hi iam dealing with ssa while Iam married with my wife!! anybody havin any suggestions on how to handle this to make it stop?????

As we do the work of recovery, we will untangle discover and reclaim the damaged and abused parts of us-including our sexuality, intimacy with self and others, and ability to understand and express our feelings safely.

My SSA was more related to the sexual abuse i experienced from older males and lack of nonsexualized bonding with men in my family-those wounds need attention and healing and not denying they exist.

Once I stopped feeding the abusive sexuality by acting out with porn and other males, I got a lot more clarity about my innate sexuality-but I needed several months of not triggering myself and of intense introspection.

It's hard work-but reclaiming what we lost isn't easy. It is worth it.

I have strong and healthy connection and intimacy in most of my relationships today- that is amazing given where I started out from.

Hello 73,

I am saddened that you are experiencing this difficulty in your life, and thankful that you found us. It is frustrating when you love someone and want to be exclusively faithful to that person, but there are overwhelming sexual feelings for another.

First, it is not as simple as stopping. SSA is, as Mountainous Buck mentions, not just about sex, or gender attraction, but it is about the abuse we suffered and the lack of real connections with those who should have loved and cared for us.
Second, we feel ashamed and unfaithful with these thoughts, and that feels bad in our minds and hearts.

We need to feel good about ourselves, you are doing the best you can with the feelings and the struggle you are dealing with in your life. You have reached out for support and information, well done! You are seeking the help you need for the things you want in your life.

The lessons, exercises and teaching will come, but make sure you are ready, by telling yourself and listening to those who know the burden you carry, that you are a good person, and you want to do what you feel is right.

Please be kind to yourself, the answers are coming.
Sam

thanks Buck and sasuva ive read wat ya had to say and it does make sense but im still strugglin and i wont give up tryin get thru this
again thanks much

Keep coming back 73,

Your determination is clear, and you sound strong. Keep asking, and the answers will come.

Sam

iwill sasuva in the name of Jesus i will stay strong

I had SSA while married to a woman, and sought therapy. Over time I divorced and accepted my orientation as gay. Not everyone overcomes SSA, I did not. I realize everyone is different, and the road we take is different for us all. I suggest you discuss your successes -- having interpersonal relationships with your wife even during onset of ssa thoughts -- often with your therapist if you have one. Our Choices make us who we are, our fears don't define us.

I know for me and this is hard to say but I have to deal with it daily almost constantly during normal times, not right now with this PTSD going on at the moment I'm not attracted to anyone..lol

But I guess what normally makes it hard is the urges and I'm afraid to find out that I am gay, I'm afraid that my wife will never be able to completely satisfy me. I have always accepted that I am bi because of the abuse I was to young to have a sexual identity when the abuse started.

I don't know who the "Real" me is. I'm not completely unattracted to women as I stated before but they have to be pretty damn hot..lol or I have to get to know them first. but there have been allot of average Joe's that I have been attracted to oddly enough they are manly men..lol I know I have said on here that I have never had feelings "Love" for a guy or know if I even could but thinking honestly about it there have been a coupe of guys that I could have imagined myself in a LTR with.

But whenever I have been with a guy I felt so dirty and guilty, But then I am reading that the guilt and stuff is from the SA, so I don't think I could ever live that life.

The idea of being in a LTR with a guys scares the hell out of me, The guilt and dirty feeling and the stigma. I am married and have been for nearly 18 years and I have a daughter, I couldn't do that to my wife and I know if I mentioned it it would destroy her.

My wife has been completely supportive of me through all of this, all that I have told her but I cannot be completely 100% honest with her about everything because I know it would hurt her and I love her very much, with all that I am, There are times that the urges get so strong especially is it is someone that I feel really attracted to that flirts or tries to make eye contact..I know I can't give into these feeling's because I love my wife and daughter not that I wouldn't like to.

Just more confusion I guess.

I used to wonder if I would survive the revalation that I was gay. I am you know...but it turned out ok. I also realized along the way that I confused sexual attraction with the "excitement" that comes from meeting and getting to know people. I was familiar with sex, it being a major component of my childhood, and I felt that sex was how you showed love. If I got naked it meant I love you. Now I am trying to learn how to be relaxed about my desire, my love, and my sexuality. I try to be ok with boundaries. I try to say I love you without using my body. All of these challenges are difficult.
Geoffrey