"If Peace is what you desire, prepare for war".
When I was growing up I used to start crying hysterically when I was alone and hiding from everyone. I remember my fear being so bad that I was unable to be present. I had dissassociation from my body when I was 6 and up. I would "go away" when being yelled at and disciplined physically. I was corrected violently by my father and my mother didn't protect us. My father beat us with belts, object, and whatever he could get his hand on. He beat me all the way up into adulthood. He withheld affection and emotionally abused us as well. Mom also emotionally abused us. I had my face rubbed into dog excrement, I was beaten while in the shower, I was corrected by my father while he was in various states of undress. (This was especially harmful to my gay identity, because of the sexual tension involved).
By the time I was 8 I was introduced into sex games by my twin brother. He taught me to do oral upon him. At first he did it to me too, but that was short lived. I did not have to be forced, he talked me into it, I enjoyed the sexual act which made it that much more of a violation, my twin confessed to me that he learned it from my older brother whom had taught him. As we grew older he introduced mutual showering. He eventually raped me. I was about 10 at the time. I was molested at church too. The Organist, who stayed at my parents house on weekends began by showing me gay pornography magazines. I was excited, and he asked me if I wanted a bj. I said ok. We ended very quickly with me doing it to him, because it felt funny to have him doing it to me. It went on for two years or so. I became very different during this time, wearing jackets during the summer and pacing all the time, developing figeting and isolating from every one. I wanted to die a lot. As I grew up and entered into high school I thought that everyone would find out how different my life was. How sexual everything was and how weird I was. I fantasized about death and running away. My twin began to hypothesize that I was a homoosexual because I liked having him penetrate me orally. My parents got told by a church member that the organist was molesting me, They asked me and I told them what we had been doing. They didn't really take much action. It was months or so before they began to meet with church officials about what happened, and many people said I was lying. I began to tell lies to try to make it worse than it was so that someone would admit it was really wrong. My Mother asked me one day If I was in love with the John (the organist) I told her yes and off to the first shrink. My brother and I were still having sex, up untill I was 18. He ended it one day in our freshman dorm room by exposing himself after a shower and when I tried to initiate our standard sex he slapped me. I was so ashamed. I still feel the scorn today more than 26 years later. He made me a 8 year old prostitute and finished by saying no with violence. When I was trying to date I was emotionally crippled with fear and no boundaries. I frequently was sought after because I was very good looking, but I also was incapable of feeling anything but pain. I couldn't trust, I was massively co-dependant. I got married to two different women, had a child with one, was abused physically by almost everyone I dated, did not know how to love myself or be loved. I hated how I felt and how my life looked. I have been abandoned by every member of my family of origin. I had no way to process the terribly tragic events of my boyhood, nor do I know how to feel better. I have been to counseling three different times, beginning a fourth with a new Therapist, going to my second appointment today. Feeling like it is on the wall in nine foot letters---INCEST---. I still feel like it was all my fault and I sought it out because I was dirty or gay...even though I know it wasn't my fault and it was rape. I still wonder if I will ever be "normal". I still question if it was wrong because we were the same age...I then remember my therapist telling me it was rape. I remember getting that "singsong" voice and not making eye contact when trying to talk about it. Fear takes over and I just barely get it out...and I feel like a wimp. Anyhow....you guys are amazing, hope this helps to get this out and is a help to someone else.
Love and Peace ....Geoff