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#397470 - 05/17/12 03:08 AM Why did he do this to me???
fonzi Offline

Registered: 05/17/12
Posts: 3
I don't know how to even start so I'm just going to say it, I was sexually abused by my older brother when I was a child. I've kept it locked away for so long I suppose I've just grown numb to it. It's something that's never been talked about by anyone in my family, although I feel someone besides me has to know what happened. I've been too ashamed to say anything about it. How can I say anything about it?

What if me bringing it up tears my family apart? What if I never speak to him ever again? Why did he make me do things I didn't want to do? Why was no one there to protect me? What did I do to deserve the constant internal battles with my sexual identity? It makes me sick just thinking about it now. What really hurts the most, whenever he comes to visit I'm always so happy to see him. I love him so much and I know he loves me. But if he did love me, why did he hurt me so badly? I'm sick and tired of running from this dark hole that's consumed my life for the last 19 years. So anyone, please tell me what I am to do...

#397476 - 05/17/12 07:23 AM Re: Why did he do this to me??? [Re: fonzi]
Mountainous Buck Offline

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1626
Loc: Minnesota
First of all


This is a good place to share, express yourself safely, and search our answers for yourself and rebuild the life you were born for before the abuse.

Take full advantage of the resources all Over this site-not only the forums with other male survivors.

I haven't disclosed the abuse my brother's friends dealt out- it was repressed for years and I have been walking thru thru that process of grieving and anger and feeling the feelings I refused to feel back then. The good. News is we are strong enough to recover- so long as we don't weaken ourselves with escapist behavior and attitudes and choices. I stopped thr alcohol and sex binges and have to daily take good. Care of me.

You have made a good start- keep moving forward!

Your brother in recovery,

We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

#397496 - 05/17/12 10:34 AM Re: Why did he do this to me??? [Re: fonzi]
fonzi Offline

Registered: 05/17/12
Posts: 3
Thank you for those words, I'll try to keep ask that in mind as I go on.

#397507 - 05/17/12 11:28 AM Re: Why did he do this to me??? [Re: fonzi]
whome Offline

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1736
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa

First thing, sorry for your pain. It is truly a gut wrenching situation and you are now able to talk about it. Welcome to the forum, you are amongst friends now.

Now for the next step. Step one is to talk about it, step two is to deal with it, and later, MUCH later, when you are strong and have healed, well then you can start to think about confronting your brother.

Focus on yourself for now, your own healing and your own mental well being.
Take a deep breath and be glad that you have joined MS.ORG so that your healing journey can begin.

Work it one day at a time, ask a lot of questions and read a lot on the site and you will find a lot of similarities with other men here.

Just as a aside, perhaps you should post this in the male survivor forum and not the F&F, but its cool, well answer you anyway's, no stress.

Heal well

Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

#397514 - 05/17/12 11:46 AM Re: Why did he do this to me??? [Re: fonzi]
SamV Offline

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5954
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Hello Fonzi,

Discovery is the process that overwhelms a survivor by creating awareness to the abuse. This awareness, the struggle of what happened in the past and a realization that it has been a large part of the dysfunction you have experienced for the last 19 years is taking over your thoughts and feelings. The present, the time you spend in your daily life is consumed by the thoughts and memories, the fear and the anger, shame and guilt surrounding these events. This is just the first part Fonzi, the discovery leads to emotional turmoil AND reason. You will begin to create healthy responses to these memories and begin to assert yourself as a good person, understanding that what happened to you was a product of someone else's perpetration, and that you were/are innocent.
This path eventually leads to breakthrough, a time when the answers are calming and a relief, the questions that were hiding and pushed down get resolved. This is a very healthy and affirming time.

This will come in stages Fonzi. You have made good progress by sharing your story and the questions that rage in your mind and heart. You will not always get the order of recovery right, there is no one who can direct you to your own personal recovery better than you, but what we and professionals can do is offer experience and knowledge. We can show you our path, and you pick what is right for you. Do not talk about it, do rest and reassure yourself, talk about it a bit, scream in rage and confrontation, hug yourself. This path will give you the self confidence to be able to listen.., to you.
Until then, know we struggle with you, and within ourselves. We are not an idyllic community, but we are as safe as we can be here in these virtual walls. Read, chat, reply, share and apply what you can. You are doing your best and it IS good enough.

MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014


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