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#397231 - 05/15/12 12:15 PM Disturbing Thoughts (triggers)
Letourski Offline


Registered: 03/15/08
Posts: 302
Loc: Canada
I just need a place to put this all down. I have struggled with my sexual identity for 4 plus years. The thoughts I have regarding both sexes trouble me deeply. I have been reducing people to body parts for a long time. I really want to put an end to this.

I was exposed to pornography at a very young age. Magazines, videos, and language we all a part of the abuse. I have used pornography compulsively ever since, and masturbation as well. My fantasies as a kid growing up involved women. I entered a highly sexualized relationship at 15 and stayed with her for 6 years. During that span I got into drugs and continued to use porn heavily. The relationship was all about sex. I stuffed the abuse so deep down that even I forgot it was there. The bubble eventually burst wide open and I had to end the relationship or die trying.

I moved back in with my parents and began inner work. I remember lifting weights in the basement when the thought of two men being sexual with one another entered my mind. It was the first time I had any thoughts like this. I was distraught, went upstairs, and explained to my parents that it was a possibility I was gay. They were very supportive. The next two months were the worst of my young life. I couldn't be in public without comparing men and women. Asking myself if I was attracted to either or. The thoughts would not stop, and seemed automatic. I told my mom that I would take my own life if the thoughts didn't go away.

I explored the topic in therapy, but never really delving into it from an abuse perspective. I wasn't talking about the abuse much then. During this time, I developed an aversion to female genitals. They simply repulsed me, and yet I continued to view heterosexual porn. I am still confused how something can be arousing and repulsive at the same time. Even now the thought can both arouse me and repulse me at the same time. That is really confusing.

I entered yet another relationship. Only this time I was always anxious about sex with her. I also suffer from tremendous performance anxiety, and have always struggled with involuntary ejaculation. Add this to my growing disgust of female genitals and it was a disaster. I stayed with her and enjoyed moments of physical intimacy that were liberating, but the ongoing pressure and anxiety was going to kill me had I not ended it. Again, I continued to use hetero porn. I have viewed gay porn on occasion as well.

I am just so lost in this. My entire life, I have crushed on girls. I have had fantasies of women and have used hetero porn. And suddenly after revealing the details of the abuse everything I knew started to change. Is it possible that I repressed not only the sexual abuse, but my sexual orientation as well?

I know for sure that my brain is highly sexualized. There are aspects of both men and women that I find attractive. I just don't know which part is real and which part is conditioning. I am nervous to say this, but I really have to. Some times when I see a woman, I think of her vagina and I am repulsed. Other times I see a woman eating something unhealthy and wonder how it is affecting her intimate parts. I know that women are not their vaginas, but my mind gravitates toward that. I have no effing clue where all of this came from. It just developed into an obsession. I hate it, and I hate myself for it.

Thanks for listening.
_________________________
I am the warrior.

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#397342 - 05/16/12 05:47 AM Re: Disturbing Thoughts (triggers) [Re: Letourski]
1lifenow Offline


Registered: 03/07/11
Posts: 412
Loc: west coast
Originally Posted By: Letourski
enjoyed moments of physical intimacy that were liberating, but the ongoing pressure and anxiety was going to kill me had I not ended it. Is it possible that I repressed not only the sexual abuse, but my sexual orientation as well?

I know for sure that my brain is highly sexualized. There are aspects of both men and women that I find attractive. I just don't know which part is real and which part is conditioning.

I hate it, and I hate myself for it.

Thanks for listening.


Bro, Your honesty with yourself and to your parents is commendable. You are entitled to give yourself some credit.
But you just touched on something very important and then skimmed over. PARTS OF THE PHYSICAL INTIMACY were liberating. What parts. was it the closeness, the holding, kissing, smelling her hair. Just her physical presence. Thats the part perhaps you can focus on, what about that was so great. Forget the performance, think of the presence, just being in the moment.

Thats where the confussion may become clearer. Its not easy sometimes and especially when the abuse issues are thrown into the mix. It does not really matter what is conditioning, it matters what is real in the here now. Can you find the small victories in the little moments. The curve of her neck, the lilt in her voice, soft demeanor, delicate touch. There is where your heart lies.

Yes you can be attracted sexually to both, it can be a source of great pleasure or consternation , its about your perspective - for some it truly is not big deal.

Whether its being with either sex, you dont talk about being with a man so i am going to assume your attraction has been limited to fantasies and porn, its more about the other time you spend with them. Not only the time you are making love. That is important for sure, but you have already put so much presure on yourself as the performer. Don't, you just have to ask yourself if its fullfilling to be with someone you care about. Nothing more.

When you are attracted to both sexes the glass is both half full AND half empty. So you dont have to ask yourself to see it as EITHER a half full kind of guy or a half empty kind of guy, cuz both are true. You just have to ask yourself are you thirsty or is your thirst already slaked. Only you know the answer. Just listen.

Be kind to yourself, its not as tough as it seems.
_________________________
The need for love lies at the very foundation of human existence. Dalai Lama

WoR Barrie 2011

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#397363 - 05/16/12 12:10 PM Re: Disturbing Thoughts (triggers) [Re: Letourski]
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5780
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
Quote:
I developed an aversion to female genitals. They simply repulsed me, and yet I continued to view heterosexual porn. I am still confused how something can be arousing and repulsive at the same time. Even now the thought can both arouse me and repulse me at the same time. That is really confusing.


When you view(ed) heterosexual porn, did you get aroused to the males in the videos? If female genitalia repulse you, were you focusing on the female (perhaps playing the male role to the sex act), or were you viewing the female perhaps giving oral sex to the man and putting yourself in the place of the man getting "head"?

If you are not doing either of these, can you look at a Lesbian video and become aroused? The arousal patterns of people are usually not just one sided (hetero or gay) but people have the capacity to become aroused to either gender.

Researchers/clinicians usually are in agreement that the "romantic" connection generally indicates the truer identity of orientation. So, if female genitalia turn you off, but your romantic attraction is towards females, your orientation is likely heterosexual.

There is another factor which male survivors often have. The re-creation of the abuse scenario affects some survivors. They either get involved in the victim role and re-enact the abuse dynamics (for example, the boy who is abused by the older male and then in adulthood, seeks out older partners as sort of force of habit, or in his mind, perhaps unconsciously, places himself in the more powerful position with an older man thus changing the dynamics of the earlier abuse.)

Another possibility is the "penis" factor. A child experiencing the confusing pleasurable encounter with a male's penis, focuses on that and seeks to revisit the powerful and arousing feeling. In non-abused boys, if the sexual development is not premature, he can discover his sexuality via more "normal" means such as masturbation in non-coercive methods and take his time with the new experiences.

For more info, you can check out my book, "Evicting the Perpetrator: a male survivor's guide to recovery from childhood sexual abuse". This goes into more detail than I can write here.

Or you can write to Joe Kort, Ph.D "Ask the Sex Doc"who has been writing on these issues of sexuality (though Joe hasn't posted any questions for a few months.)

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