My fellow brothers,

It's been a couple weeks since I've posted. Been working my 12 step program and with my therapist and writing a lot on the topic of FEAR. My last post discussed my efforts at struggling with this.

In the interim, I discovered that while I was aware of the anxiety and anger that comes from the FEAR, I was not aware of the actual fear itself. It was afterthoughts, and intellectual connections I was making as a result of the self awareness that I"ve grown over the years. But I haven't been able to get in touch with the FEAR.

I've been working very hard to access this fear so that I can process it and let it go.

I think I've found a way to access the fear, but it was a very terrifying experience, and I don't recommend it for most people. It took me a lot of preparation and lots of work (years of work) working at self awareness and working towards a healthier me before I could instigate this event that totally immersed me in TERROR.

Therapists and the general rule of psychology seems to keep proclaiming that the only way to have true delivery from our traumas are to feel them, embrace them, work through the feelings so we can let them go, and finally move forward. But the ego works so hard to protect itself from threat and fear, and masks its own weakness in a cloak of anger/depression/sadness.

My personal path has me thinking the same thing. The nature of PTSD, as I understand it, is that the fear response is locked in the body, conditioned into the body. That is the nature of trauma - that once the trauma is induced, the body is conditioned to respond with fear. (Think pavlov's dogs). Then our ego takes this fear and attempts to mask it with anger or sadness (or numbing). I chose anger and numbing, and depression.

Since I've been working with a most excellent therapist (he's an expert at PTSD), I've been digging very deep while affirming the more valuable things in me, and learning how to love myself. And because of this work, I was finally able to access the fear that resides deep in me and FEEL it. It was TERRIFYING!

This happened on Saturday. I felt the fear, and chose to feel the fear again. I exposed myself to it and thought about my experiences. To be able to access and feel the terror again was in itself horrible, but in hindsight, a blessing. Because of this, since 3 days ago, I feel much calmer about my day to day experiences. Triggers are less triggering. I'm watching my behavior and my responses to what my body has considered threats before, and I don't feel the same tension or anxiety that I've walked around with my entire life.

Could it be? I think I've finally found a way OUT. And its the age old addage - the only way OUT is THROUGH. But my task was to understand that my anger was masking fear. Then my task became to locate the fear and FEEL IT. FIND IT, and EMBRACE IT.

I'll be working more in this regard over the coming weeks, because I am liking the sense of presence and calm that I'm walking with now. Life can be so much more liberating and beautiful this way.

Onwards towards healing!

D

Awesome!

Way to go!

You've been doing a LOT of heavy lifting in your recovery and self reflection- I applaud you and look up to you for your work.

Keep sharing your experience, strength and hope!!!

Great news, Magellan -

a major accomplishment for you in your progress!

inspiring and motivating for us...

Thanks!
Lee

Magellan

I applaud you for taking the road less traveled, you have embraced your recovery and I'm sure you I'll reach becoming a thriver.

It is not easy facing fear, as you said " the only way outis thought "

Quiet offer I know how I feel or felt, but it is others who manage to put it into words. Thank you for that.

Thanks for the support, guys!

I was telling a program friend of my progress, pursuing fear, and seeking it out, and she reminded me of one of the ancient mythologies that have been with humanity since the dawn of time.

She said it with 3 words:

"Pursue the dragon."

Whoa. Dumbfounded. Yes, indeed. The mythologies all indicate that the hero doesn't avoid the dragon, he has to pursue the dragon and slay it. This means - find the fear that doesn't want to be found, stare it in the face, and slay it. Aren't the dragons of our mythologies hard to find and frightening when seen?

My fear behaves the same way. It was hard to find (it was hidden by anger and depression and my own behaviors to numb the depression/anxiety). Once I realized that fear was driving most of my "issues" in life forward, I started looking for the fear. I found it difficult to even begin knowing how to look for it. How does one search out unconscious feelings that were stuffed away as a child? I think, for me, the key to finding it was the willingness to feel it again. Being humble to accept my fragility, and choosing to let go of my right to be angry.

I found a way. I found the fear. I felt it. And I'll choose to feel it again.

I will conquer and slay the dragon. I am the hero of my life.

D

Nice work, very reassuring MagD. Anger is not it's own emotion, but it is fear, magnified. Getting below the anger is about humility, choosing to experience the fear and not cowering from it. This is a process I have experienced, and the tears flowed! It is a rewarding experience.

Thanks for the update,
Sam

"pursue the dragon."

"the only way out is through."

"taking the road less traveled"

sounds like a few more poetic ways of saying what my T told me today:

"sooner or later you are going to have to trip those triggers intentionally in order to move on and get past them and what is holding you back."

not looking forward to that!

Lee

Well done man! I hope I can make as much progress as you have in the coming months and years! : )