I was sexually abused around 4 or 5 years old in a foster home by a father and older son, I was physically abused by my alcoholic father, Molested by my older female cousin at around 10 years old.

I am married have been for around 18 years, I'm not sure how to start this but here goes.

I consider myself to be Bisexual and was upfront with my wife about this before we got married, I love my wife very much and yes I am attracted to her but I am also attracted to other guys. I find that I am more attracted to guys than I am women.

My wife had an affair with my best friend who was also a guy that I had been sexually involved with this was around 13 years ago, I guess I never really dealt with the feelings that I had inside my self and instead I dealt with the issue of us I had caught them together and the images are burned in my head for eternity though I try and push them aside occasionally they pop up. Recently my wife and I were having some issues and I at that time I had a guy approach me and wanted to be FWB at the time I guess I wanted to hurt her and inflict the pain I was going through on to her but before I actually met this guy I called it off so nothing happened other than a few emails, I think what I really wanted was the friends part more than the "benefits" but this all triggered something inside of me, I felt extreme guilt I had to tell someone exactly what I was feeling and the last person I wanted to tell was her. She knew I had been with the guy that she was with and at the point that happened he and I were only friends for some reason she believed that, that was all behind me, the actual deeds are way behind me, the encounters stopped before she and I got married but the ssa was still there.

I guess the stress of the time made acted as a trigger, I had always assumed that the sexual abuse is what had made me consider myself Bisexual because whenever I had sex with another man I felt dirty and had extreme guilt so I figured that wasn't something I could live with it wasn't something that I really wanted because of the way it felt, so I developed this feeling that I am only attracted to guys physically but could never love a guy in the way that I love my wife I hope this is all making sense.

I love my wife immensely and we have a young daughter together, I don't want to do anything to jepordize that and I guess one of the problems I am having now is that I work with the public I have lost allot of weight and I am getting flirted with by both sexes at the same time I am dealing with the stress of telling my wife that I am not sexually attracted to other women, I went out with my wife in high school, built a bond with her and then became attracted to her but I don't and didn't see her as a sexual object. My wife is blown away by all of this because like I said she had come to believe that my sexual feelings were just a passing phase.

I am looking at going to a therapist making calls tomorrow but since all this has come up I have had to deal with the emotions of being sexually abused by both men and a woman and I feel so confused and so alone and I don't know what to think or feel, I have so much anxiety over everything I have started medicating myself because if I don't I can't stop crying. My wife says it's ok, we'll work through this and has assured me of this repeatedly but I am so scared.

I hope this all makes sense, I have read some of the posts on here and it seems like some of you have been though similar situations, I am very glad that I found this place.

Hi longroad,

You are on a journey that is bumpy, emotional, confusing, but ultimately freeing, so hang in there. You are certainly making steps in the right direction.

I am bisexual as well, and one of the hardest knots to untangle was figuring out if my sexual orientation was affected by my abuse or not. Ultimately for me, it was not. Most research has demonstrated that sexual oreintation and sexual abuse are not connected, but I still think that having suffered abuse makes finding a sense of sexual identity much, much more difficult. Please utilize the Sexual Identity discussion board on this site as a tool as you move forward.

I can tell you one thing for sure: if there was any physical response (erection, some physical pleasure) to the events that happened to you as a kid--IT WAS STILL ABUSE. No adult has a right to touch a kid sexually. The fact that these episodes reside in your soul as being "unjust" shows that you were certainly abused as a boy.

Hang in there! It's a long journey, but well worth it in the end!

Welcome to MaleSurvivor- I hope u find healing and answers and inspiration here. You are not alone in your feelings about sex and Sexuality and your experiences. Abuse confuses, tangles and damages sexuality -I struggled with addictions for years in an effort to find escape and relief. My interest in sex with men was really a mirror of my abuse at the hands of several old boys when I was nine years old. It took a concentrated effort to be willing to look at all my problems honestly and find support to work thru all these issues- but there are huge rewards for finally processing all the stuff I avoided for decades.

Keep coming back and sharing!

Thanks guys, I will keep checking in. I just don't know what I should think or feel at this time in my life, all I know is I can't stop thinking it's like a long domino effect and I feel like I flipped the first one over and now I'm waiting to see what will happen..I wish I could say or believe nothing but I'm no that naive the thought of my life changing scares the hell out of me. I know that I have my wife's reassurances but what she says now and what she may say later terrifies me. She oddly enough became clingy and extremely love able after I told her about everything which leads me to believe that she is in some sort of shock and not really dealing with the truth of the matter. I know she is going to need someone else to talk to and so she should have some sort or support so I did tell my mom what was going on, My mom loves my wife like a daughter and will and did put me in my place although I think it was a shock to her as well because I do have a gay brother, That was a tough issue for her to deal with but she overcame her misunderstandings about him so I know/knew she could deal with this too.

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It sounds like you are gay from your statement of not being attracted to women, except your wife b/c of the bond you share with her. I struggled w/ my sexual identity and whether I was gay or straight from 8 or 9 to my early 20's. I was abused by one of my brothers and thought I was gay and had feelings/attraction towards men and women.

See, I don't see myself as gay, I am not completely unattracted to women but I don't look at one and think automatically that I'd like to have her, I could never see myself ever "Loving" a man for me it's purely a physical thing. I like the soft touch of a woman, The feel of a woman, I love my wife and I do enjoy being with her, I feel comfortable with her. See this one of the reasons I am looking to get help I'm trying to figure out exactly what is going on. I need answers.

Hi Longroad and welcome to Male survivor.
Your feelings are somehow very similar to my own. I could never be with man although I've felt sometimes some attraction. Anyway
it seems that a lot of us have some difficulties relate to mixed feelings about sexuality and intimacy.
I've found very helpful reading part of board Ask the Sex Doc about these issues, look there, maybe some stories would be helpful to you also:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=postlist&Board=76&page=1
It is great hat you'll look for some therapist, please read this about finding good T, here is article - A Consumers Guide To Therapist Shopping:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/ArchivedPages/singer1.html
Share with us as much as possible, we can gain a lot of trough exchange of experiences.
Be well!
Pero

Does anyone else have these extreme mood swings? One minute your fine and then the next your a mess? I can't seem to control them.
I made an appointment with a therapist but it's not until the middle of next month, that was the soonest. Going back to my Regular MD tomorrow to see if they can prescribe something that will help but not zombify me, I still have to be able to function at work.