Newest Members
DougieB, sethpeterson, R Ellis, SailingAway, Kitty6
12320 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
Healer (53), Kilo (21), sdsjr (40), surfdude (57)
Who's Online
9 registered (Jude, don64, ac9, Obi, petercorbett, pufferfish, 1 invisible), 29 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12320 Members
74 Forums
63372 Topics
443136 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3 >
Topic Options
#396978 - 05/13/12 05:16 PM Whats up? NO POSTS
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
There has been a terrible decline in posts on the F&F forum, I mean there have been no new posts here since I posted my birthday on MS.
Were are all the insights from the wonderful ladies on this forum?
WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING?
I hope that there is no bad blood, come on all, lets get active and help each other again

Hope to hear from you all SOON

Heal well
Martin
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

Top
#396979 - 05/13/12 05:19 PM Re: Whats up? NO POSTS [Re: whome]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5942
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Maybe Easter, Mother's day and the beginning of summer have gotten in the way of MaleSurvivor. I know, I know, perish the thought M, but these ladies can give us a life lesson here. Getting involved in life helps the perspective of recovery re-connection. I applaud the supporter's on their careful use of precious time, and thank them for their support for our fellow survivors.

Sam
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

Top
#397011 - 05/13/12 09:04 PM Re: Whats up? NO POSTS [Re: whome]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 678
Loc: NJ
Ah Martin - do you miss us?

Top
#397015 - 05/13/12 09:25 PM Re: Whats up? NO POSTS [Re: whome]
mmfan Offline


Registered: 09/25/11
Posts: 114
Not posting lately because things are going pretty well with us. I guess no news is good news. smile I do check in frequently to read posts and will respond if I strongly identify with something.

Top
#397061 - 05/14/12 03:26 AM Re: Whats up? NO POSTS [Re: whome]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Absolutely I miss you guys.
Actually Maybe I just have a burning desire to help someone. Need to examine my motives. But it does trouble me when I see that no one is posting. I know there were a couple of issues online a while ago.




Edited by whome (05/14/12 03:28 AM)
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

Top
#397073 - 05/14/12 06:53 AM Re: Whats up? NO POSTS [Re: whome]
G1psy Offline


Registered: 04/19/10
Posts: 13
Loc: Netherlands
Hi Martin,

I read this (F&F) board a few times a week and im not a real big poster, but i get a lot of helpfull information from just being here and reading stuff from the partners point of view.

Some ladies here sometimes comment in a very emotional and sometimes pissed of way.
I have no problem with that what so ever because it reflects my feelings and trauma as a suporter perfectly and most of the time i just sit here nodding like a idiot when reading this board. The questions that are posted here by suporters are great, they are mind provoking for me. I hope this does not change, after all this is a F&F forum.

Next to this, i must say that i am sometimes triggered by some stories here, and i don't know how that works for the other suporters.
Mostly stories written by survivors about their relations with their partners. The story about the man who was unable to love his senior wife, i felt sick for a week after reading that. And i get just so angry and sad and i just cry for all those suporters and the fall out of all this CSA crap. I hate it. And i just feel like an open wound. I am traumatised, healing, but long gone over it.

The lack (or unabilaty) to love, the ignoring, the whole PTSD circus, it just taps into my biggest fears i guess, about ending up the same way. I also wonder sometimes about the purpose of some posts. And the purpose of this forum. Ofcourse the post with resolutions, helpfull info, that help the suporters help, are the best for F&F.

So my guess is Martin, that there some "partner triggering" going on, although i can only speak for myself in this matter.
Just a my 2 ct's smile

Ciao,
Gipsy

Top
#397083 - 05/14/12 08:55 AM Re: Whats up? NO POSTS [Re: whome]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6400
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
Well, I also thank you all for bringing the female and/or not-victim perspective to me at least. Its dramatically encouraging to see spouses and sig-others in "support and discovery" mode....like our child-self never actually died as kids because someone will listen and actually learn from us. Someone will actually hear our stories and care.

Its IS important though, that you just drive-past MS, and don't even look when you feel as if yer done here. No 'curiosity looks!' I've seen what that can do and the trouble it causes.
_________________________
Wishing You Were Here!

The Aftermath Video

The Water Buffalo Song

Top
#397086 - 05/14/12 09:13 AM Re: Whats up? NO POSTS [Re: whome]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 359
Hi guys,

I personally have stopped posting because I was confused as to why my post was deleted by the moderators.

As the spouse of a survivor, I have very, very strong emotions and this felt like the only place to vent them but it also feels like it is offensive to some people. Like maybe we should just discuss "safe" topics that won't offend people like maybe the weather. Not all my emotions are nice and I don't feel like some people want to hear my pain. Present company, excluded. wink These are the emotins that I have and sometimes they aren't pretty but when I feel like I have to tread so lightly so as not to offend anyone, the board loses it's ability to help me heal.

I sometimes feel that people aren't ready to hear the pain we spouses go through. Maybe it is too much and maybe it isn't helpful to hear for a man in recovery. I don't know but I would definitely understand that. I feel like it is triggering to a man in the early stages of recovery and reinforces the shame they feel but it is real, this pain we feel.

This board is the only place many of us can ask questions. When we are sworn to secrecy by our spouses, who are we to talk to? I luckily am in a program so I havew wondeerful people there but they are just spouses and this is the only way to gain any insight into husband by men who have been there and that I miss.

Top
#397094 - 05/14/12 09:51 AM Re: Whats up? NO POSTS [Re: whome]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3603
Loc: South-East Europe
Hi to all, must say that I'm happy because this thread looks like come back to life smile!
I really missed some discussions here in F&F part of board even I didn't post much.
We have to stay positive no matter on some "actions" taken against some our writings. Some mistakes are happening all time long and we shouldn't take it too personally (that is easier to say frown ).
Please if you see that someone is hurt by such activities send her/him PM with couple of supportive words. That is at least something that we all can do.
We are here to hear all painful emotions as well as positive ones. Please share as much as possible, no matter on some bad experience, we all should learn and understand each other more, that is only that matters...
_________________________
My story

Top
#397127 - 05/14/12 04:26 PM Re: Whats up? NO POSTS [Re: whome]
Anniemy4sons Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/29/11
Posts: 98
Loc: NJ
and the snarky nasty comments from "some" .. (not you Martin.) We decided to go off the grid for a spell.

Personally, I have my pain marginalized enough at home.

Well said Lucy!

as you can see we still check in and have a look see. :-D Hey there Martin...
_________________________
God is my teacher, Jesus my comfort and the Holy Spirit my protector.
I AM Listening...

Thank you Mother Mary.
Pray the Rosary every day. http://www.comepraytherosary.org/

I BELIEVE IN HER PROMISE.

Top
#397128 - 05/14/12 04:28 PM Re: Whats up? NO POSTS [Re: whome]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi Lucy

I was afraid of this and this is why I felt the need to post this topic.

[Content removed due to going again site guidelines. Please direct all discussion of moderator actions to the moderators in private.]

As you say, where else will the spouses get info about survivors. Please keep coming back.

Martin


Edited by ModTeam (05/18/12 11:44 PM)
Edit Reason: Violation of site guildelines.
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

Top
#397129 - 05/14/12 04:34 PM Re: Whats up? NO POSTS [Re: whome]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
HI Annie.

I am really sorry that you guys felt the need to go off the grid.

I plead to you ladies to please come back. (I need some interesting chats here) Dont let the narrow mindedness of certain posters put you of healing and finding help.

Guys, you need to understand that the effects of CSA are just as dramatic on the spouses as it is on the survivors.
If it were not for my wife, I believe that I would be dead by now. But odd thing is that she also needs to heal now, now it is time for me to give back to that beautiful person that I caused so much pain to for so many years.
Please allow them the space to heal too.

Thanks all
Heal well ALL
Martin
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

Top
#397131 - 05/14/12 04:55 PM Re: Whats up? NO POSTS [Re: whome]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 678
Loc: NJ
Thank you Martin.

Top
#397171 - 05/14/12 10:22 PM Re: Whats up? NO POSTS [Re: whome]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 415
I mainly check in and read a few posts on F & F and my private messages. I developed a support group away from MS where I could be honest and raw. Believe me, no wife wants this to be a clean and easy fix more than I do, but it isn't. And intertwined in all his pain is my own pain at what he did to me, to us, to our family. And I know for me that at times it seemed like I wasn't supportive of him based on the posts I made here, but if I wasn't I would have split, which I never did. It would have been easier, but it wouldn't have been right. I think Lucy and Annie pretty much speak for me as well. There was a spell where it felt like wives who couldn't post "sunshine and roses" were attacked. At some point, this was a fabulous place to get a more balanced view of what we face, and almost the only place. Even the books I was reading, like Cecil Murphey's When a man you love was abused, requires that I not be dealing with any pain of my own, to concentrate only on supporting my husband. If only I had that luxury. When I first joined here, my accomplishments for the day were measured in how long I could go between crying jags. I hate to back away from here. This place saved me. Saved us. Martin, you were INSTRUMENTAL in facilitating the healing that would be the scab that protected the original wound until it too could heal. I will NEVER forget you. I'll be ETERNALLY grateful. I wish I didn't feel like I had to leave, and I hope I can come back and be a good resource for other friends and family members, like Martin was for me.
_________________________
Wife of a survivor

Top
#397174 - 05/14/12 10:27 PM Re: Whats up? NO POSTS [Re: whome]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6400
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
well this sucks for all. this place ought never be a source of pain for the F&F of our lives.
_________________________
Wishing You Were Here!

The Aftermath Video

The Water Buffalo Song

Top
#397201 - 05/15/12 03:52 AM Re: Whats up? NO POSTS [Re: whome]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
Ditto, ladies! Too often I've felt marginalized and flat out unsafe here. Not all survivors go on to abuse, yet many here can't understand that sexually acting out against a spouse IS abuse for reasons I can't stomach repeating again. This site is for the men and I chose to not be a mouse in this laboratory. I feel safe, supported, understood and encouraged at the place some of us have gone. There, we have a break from the rainbows and unicorns world of stifling our own trauma to hold up another, who just happens to be OUR abuser.
_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


Top
#397202 - 05/15/12 04:11 AM Re: Whats up? NO POSTS [Re: whome]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
Gipsy, You're spot on about being triggered! The post that triggered you damn well almost sent me running over a cliff. But what was worse was the encouragement that poster got for being...fill in the blank, ladies. And we are supposed to support THAT? I'm all for supporting survivors, but those who elect to remain in victimhood where they go on to perpetuate selfishness and hurt won't get applause from me. Nope. I'm no longer programmed to overlook such atrocities.
_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


Top
#397206 - 05/15/12 04:59 AM Re: Whats up? NO POSTS [Re: whome]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
I See that there is a need to start a forum for the ladies of survivors, where only ladies and selected survivors can interact and help each other heal.
I have access to a forum, only problem is that it is a free forum that has adverts on it. If you are keen then let me know.
Supporting the wonderful woman that have also been abused through no fault of their own is a subject that is very close to my heart.

I really feel that there is a desperate need for a forum dedicated to you all, somewhere that you can talk to survivors and get constructive feedback. It can be a world wide forum so woman from all over can get together and chat and ask questions.

Think about it.
Heal well ALL
Martin
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

Top
#397211 - 05/15/12 07:07 AM Re: Whats up? NO POSTS [Re: whome]
Thulas Offline


Registered: 07/13/11
Posts: 42
Loc: Johannesburg, South Africa
Most of u ladies have spoken to my wounds. I have been looking through this window each day. The posts brought me anger, tears , laughter, pain, encouragement, envy, discouragement, salt in wounds, dispair, hope and courage. I am here at the moment having logged in twice today and yes! so down and out but with my face in the wind trying to find my footing again. I have so stopped my T a month back and living in pretence and without anything to say.

I am greatful of this website.For there are survivors like Martin who realise our strength and need to be pulled from dark pits. Only Jehovah my God knows the pain we women of survivors have to carry day in and day out while we are waiting hoping that things will change and that our partners living in denial, dishonest and hidden wounds will stop throwing tons of emotional abuse on us.

Well I have regretted, cried, hoped, prayed, the list of emotions is endeless yet I believed that as long as there are survivors who look back and take responsibility maybe I will be that lucky woman with a husband who will one day realise the pain and sadness he has brought in my life abd tht of my child and the rest of his ruined relationships.

Full stop. I support your suggestin Martin. Introduce me to it.
_________________________
If you want to accomplish the goals of your life, you have to begin with the spirit.

Surround yourself only with people who are going to lift you higher.

Top
#397216 - 05/15/12 08:21 AM Re: Whats up? NO POSTS [Re: whome]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1618
Someone said to me once-CSA creates a chain of victims--the abused and those around the abused. It is unfortunately a cycle started at the hands of a demented and narcissistic person. The child lost. I was asked do I blame the child or adult who committed suicide to escape the pain and trauma of their abuse--I said no but was reminded he left behind family and friends who may have felt betrayed. But they have the chance to recover through living and trying to understand how his body and mind wreaked with an unbearable pain and most importantly to accept it was not their fault. There are those who turn to drugs and alcohol and they leave victims everywhere because of their actions. But in both situations I was reminded the abused were truly alone in their mind and heart, even if there were caring people around them. There are those with significant others and the abused acts out. Despite, in many situations, a loving and compassionate environment, they still act out. They still do not feel safe from themselves or the world. Yes they too leave victims. It is such a vicious cycle of pain and hurt. I have learned I cannot judge others why they did certain things--but in their minds, at least to many, it was not to hurt others but rather to hurt themselves or numb the pain by being lost in drugs and alcohol or to some believing they needed to take control of a sexual situation to fill a void that was created when they were a child. But they learn it does not. Many are confused as to who they are, why did their bodies react and become aroused when they were abused--they ask who am I throughout life. Why do some have triggers in the 20 and 30's and others live a relatively normal life to their 50's and the triggers and emotions overtake the person. It seems the child has always been there and how one can cope with the child and his memories and pains will be different for each individual. They need to heal to stop the cycle.

Yes there are victims everywhere from the mess of CSA--wounds, hurt, violation and betrayal. It has been said we all need to heal and face our past and accept what has happened. How we decide to heal will differ for everyone, but it is important to heal. Supporters have a special place in the healing process, but they can not loose sight of their own needs, they cannot become consumed with the healing of the abused.

Yes this forum is important. I have met wonderful supporters and I know without them I would not be here today. Supporters you deserve a special place and a place to talk and vent your feelings and frustrations. Both the abused and supporters who were victims need to communicate when the time is right of their hurts and emotions. But until that time, both the abused and supporter need to focus on healing themselves first and foremost. Without healing things will not change. The past can control us and in some situations destroy our future, but to release the past is difficult but with healing it can happen.


Edited by KMCINVA (05/15/12 08:34 AM)

Top
#397222 - 05/15/12 09:44 AM Re: Whats up? NO POSTS [Re: whome]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
I've disappeared because I got busy with other things, because I felt I wasn't learning anymore than I already knew, and thought my presence was counterproductive.

My friend's progress is agonizingly slow. Glacier slow. He is dedicated to fixing the problem by ignoring it, which doesn't work. He wants to pretend all the symptoms are the problem, and the symptoms don't really matter at all.

KMCINVA's posts about the child have been SUPER helpful, though, as have Pufferfish's (a/k/a Allen). This multiple personality stuff is TOUGH.

It does seem a forum just for the ladies would be good. Because when you guys read it, I don't think that always helps you or the ladies.
_________________________
Female.

Top
#397229 - 05/15/12 11:02 AM Re: Whats up? NO POSTS [Re: whome]
Pie Offline


Registered: 05/27/11
Posts: 61
I have to say ditto to all.

My husband and I have drawn closer than ever over the past six months and his healing has been mind blowing. Some days I ask if its real. This is the reason I return on occasion, but recently I have found that the girls are getting "abused" in a so called safe place. Personally I have tried to add posts that have helped my H and myself in our healing. It just seems that they are not appreciated or wanted.

I would like to maintain my healing and learn as much as possible and unfortunatly I'm not sure if this is the right place anymore. I hope we can all move towards the ultimate goal in peace and understanding.

Keep the healing happening
Pie

Top
#397235 - 05/15/12 12:56 PM Re: Whats up? NO POSTS [Re: whome]
iambubba Offline


Registered: 04/24/12
Posts: 31
Loc: Canada
I don't post often still kinda new but when I found this site this forum really helped me.
Its nice to know that women, mothers, patrners really do care and want to be supportive.
Great to read posts about how you feel as well cause I know I get wrapped up in myself and forget about others.
One of the posts I read the other day made me stop and think about my mom..... I went to her house after work just for a hug... I'm 36 ....but felt 12 again.. sometimes I forget the impact it has on people around us ...thanks for the reminders and kind words.
You need a place to vent just like us.
Please post.
Bub

Top
#397277 - 05/15/12 04:59 PM Re: Whats up? NO POSTS [Re: whome]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3603
Loc: South-East Europe
I'm really sorry hearing that some survivors made our ladies and friends here feeling unsafe, that fact really sucks and hurts me very much frown
If we survivors don't know how to show some compassion, understanding and support, things that we need the most, I can't see how we expect to get all that by our spouses, wives, partners and families?
Understanding and appreciation are at least things that we can give/show to our friends from F&F part of board.
One more time I'm sorry and my apology for bad behavior of some our survivors to all of you here.
I wish that I have some magic wand to remove some bad feelings left to your souls, we all have enough problems beside this...
I guess that we survivors need to learn making some constructive conversations (not destructive) here. Different view can't be excuse for some inappropriate behavior.
If some survivor would attack you or have some inappropriate talk please notify it to mods without any hesitation and further discussion, keep your energy for some good stuff.
Please don't leave us and keep sharing your thoughts openly, we need badly to hear your voices here.
Pero

_________________________
My story

Top
#397282 - 05/15/12 05:16 PM Re: Whats up? NO POSTS [Re: whome]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi Pero

I think that we had a bit of a problem with the Mods editing and deleting some of the F&F posts. So in a sense the survivors can say what they want but the F&F cant.
It was in my opinion a little unfair and I noticed a steady decline in the posts after this happened.

Lets be honest, I personally would not have made it through my healing without my wife, and I wish that she were on this board.
These partners are victims too and they also need a safe place to heal.

Martin
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

Top
#397288 - 05/15/12 06:05 PM Re: Whats up? NO POSTS [Re: whome]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3603
Loc: South-East Europe
Hi Martin,
I can just say that there are moments like this one when some dialogue is needed even that could be against some policies set here.
In any case couple of supportive and encouraging words to our friends here can't hurt no one.

And I'll be honest too, if I've had wife I would like very much if she could be part of this board...

PS. Thank you for opening this thread!
_________________________
My story

Top
#397313 - 05/15/12 09:41 PM Re: Whats up? NO POSTS [Re: whome]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2574
There are some survivors here who feel they can't say what they want either.

For better or worse there are rules and guidelines in place to protect everyone and sometimes that means posts may be edited or removed altogether. The person whose post is effected always feels wronged or slighted in some fashion no matter the reason. It's even happened to me in the past.

The best course of action is to PM a mod and ask about the issue. Although this does not guarantee that you are going to like the answer, but hopefully it will clear up any confusion.

Top
#397332 - 05/16/12 03:53 AM . [Re: whome]
lady123 Offline


Registered: 09/14/11
Posts: 28
.

Top
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.