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#397128 - 05/14/12 04:28 PM Re: Whats up? NO POSTS [Re: whome]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1736
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi Lucy

I was afraid of this and this is why I felt the need to post this topic.

[Content removed due to going again site guidelines. Please direct all discussion of moderator actions to the moderators in private.]

As you say, where else will the spouses get info about survivors. Please keep coming back.

Martin


Edited by ModTeam (05/18/12 11:44 PM)
Edit Reason: Violation of site guildelines.
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#397129 - 05/14/12 04:34 PM Re: Whats up? NO POSTS [Re: whome]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1736
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
HI Annie.

I am really sorry that you guys felt the need to go off the grid.

I plead to you ladies to please come back. (I need some interesting chats here) Dont let the narrow mindedness of certain posters put you of healing and finding help.

Guys, you need to understand that the effects of CSA are just as dramatic on the spouses as it is on the survivors.
If it were not for my wife, I believe that I would be dead by now. But odd thing is that she also needs to heal now, now it is time for me to give back to that beautiful person that I caused so much pain to for so many years.
Please allow them the space to heal too.

Thanks all
Heal well ALL
Martin
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Survivors Supporting Each other
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#397131 - 05/14/12 04:55 PM Re: Whats up? NO POSTS [Re: whome]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 728
Loc: NJ
Thank you Martin.

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#397171 - 05/14/12 10:22 PM Re: Whats up? NO POSTS [Re: whome]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 417
I mainly check in and read a few posts on F & F and my private messages. I developed a support group away from MS where I could be honest and raw. Believe me, no wife wants this to be a clean and easy fix more than I do, but it isn't. And intertwined in all his pain is my own pain at what he did to me, to us, to our family. And I know for me that at times it seemed like I wasn't supportive of him based on the posts I made here, but if I wasn't I would have split, which I never did. It would have been easier, but it wouldn't have been right. I think Lucy and Annie pretty much speak for me as well. There was a spell where it felt like wives who couldn't post "sunshine and roses" were attacked. At some point, this was a fabulous place to get a more balanced view of what we face, and almost the only place. Even the books I was reading, like Cecil Murphey's When a man you love was abused, requires that I not be dealing with any pain of my own, to concentrate only on supporting my husband. If only I had that luxury. When I first joined here, my accomplishments for the day were measured in how long I could go between crying jags. I hate to back away from here. This place saved me. Saved us. Martin, you were INSTRUMENTAL in facilitating the healing that would be the scab that protected the original wound until it too could heal. I will NEVER forget you. I'll be ETERNALLY grateful. I wish I didn't feel like I had to leave, and I hope I can come back and be a good resource for other friends and family members, like Martin was for me.
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#397174 - 05/14/12 10:27 PM Re: Whats up? NO POSTS [Re: whome]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6602
Loc: FEMA Region 1
well this sucks for all. this place ought never be a source of pain for the F&F of our lives.
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#397201 - 05/15/12 03:52 AM Re: Whats up? NO POSTS [Re: whome]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
Ditto, ladies! Too often I've felt marginalized and flat out unsafe here. Not all survivors go on to abuse, yet many here can't understand that sexually acting out against a spouse IS abuse for reasons I can't stomach repeating again. This site is for the men and I chose to not be a mouse in this laboratory. I feel safe, supported, understood and encouraged at the place some of us have gone. There, we have a break from the rainbows and unicorns world of stifling our own trauma to hold up another, who just happens to be OUR abuser.
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For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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#397202 - 05/15/12 04:11 AM Re: Whats up? NO POSTS [Re: whome]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
Gipsy, You're spot on about being triggered! The post that triggered you damn well almost sent me running over a cliff. But what was worse was the encouragement that poster got for being...fill in the blank, ladies. And we are supposed to support THAT? I'm all for supporting survivors, but those who elect to remain in victimhood where they go on to perpetuate selfishness and hurt won't get applause from me. Nope. I'm no longer programmed to overlook such atrocities.
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For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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#397206 - 05/15/12 04:59 AM Re: Whats up? NO POSTS [Re: whome]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1736
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
I See that there is a need to start a forum for the ladies of survivors, where only ladies and selected survivors can interact and help each other heal.
I have access to a forum, only problem is that it is a free forum that has adverts on it. If you are keen then let me know.
Supporting the wonderful woman that have also been abused through no fault of their own is a subject that is very close to my heart.

I really feel that there is a desperate need for a forum dedicated to you all, somewhere that you can talk to survivors and get constructive feedback. It can be a world wide forum so woman from all over can get together and chat and ask questions.

Think about it.
Heal well ALL
Martin
_________________________
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Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#397211 - 05/15/12 07:07 AM Re: Whats up? NO POSTS [Re: whome]
Thulas Offline


Registered: 07/13/11
Posts: 42
Loc: Johannesburg, South Africa
Most of u ladies have spoken to my wounds. I have been looking through this window each day. The posts brought me anger, tears , laughter, pain, encouragement, envy, discouragement, salt in wounds, dispair, hope and courage. I am here at the moment having logged in twice today and yes! so down and out but with my face in the wind trying to find my footing again. I have so stopped my T a month back and living in pretence and without anything to say.

I am greatful of this website.For there are survivors like Martin who realise our strength and need to be pulled from dark pits. Only Jehovah my God knows the pain we women of survivors have to carry day in and day out while we are waiting hoping that things will change and that our partners living in denial, dishonest and hidden wounds will stop throwing tons of emotional abuse on us.

Well I have regretted, cried, hoped, prayed, the list of emotions is endeless yet I believed that as long as there are survivors who look back and take responsibility maybe I will be that lucky woman with a husband who will one day realise the pain and sadness he has brought in my life abd tht of my child and the rest of his ruined relationships.

Full stop. I support your suggestin Martin. Introduce me to it.
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If you want to accomplish the goals of your life, you have to begin with the spirit.

Surround yourself only with people who are going to lift you higher.

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#397216 - 05/15/12 08:21 AM Re: Whats up? NO POSTS [Re: whome]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1790
Someone said to me once-CSA creates a chain of victims--the abused and those around the abused. It is unfortunately a cycle started at the hands of a demented and narcissistic person. The child lost. I was asked do I blame the child or adult who committed suicide to escape the pain and trauma of their abuse--I said no but was reminded he left behind family and friends who may have felt betrayed. But they have the chance to recover through living and trying to understand how his body and mind wreaked with an unbearable pain and most importantly to accept it was not their fault. There are those who turn to drugs and alcohol and they leave victims everywhere because of their actions. But in both situations I was reminded the abused were truly alone in their mind and heart, even if there were caring people around them. There are those with significant others and the abused acts out. Despite, in many situations, a loving and compassionate environment, they still act out. They still do not feel safe from themselves or the world. Yes they too leave victims. It is such a vicious cycle of pain and hurt. I have learned I cannot judge others why they did certain things--but in their minds, at least to many, it was not to hurt others but rather to hurt themselves or numb the pain by being lost in drugs and alcohol or to some believing they needed to take control of a sexual situation to fill a void that was created when they were a child. But they learn it does not. Many are confused as to who they are, why did their bodies react and become aroused when they were abused--they ask who am I throughout life. Why do some have triggers in the 20 and 30's and others live a relatively normal life to their 50's and the triggers and emotions overtake the person. It seems the child has always been there and how one can cope with the child and his memories and pains will be different for each individual. They need to heal to stop the cycle.

Yes there are victims everywhere from the mess of CSA--wounds, hurt, violation and betrayal. It has been said we all need to heal and face our past and accept what has happened. How we decide to heal will differ for everyone, but it is important to heal. Supporters have a special place in the healing process, but they can not loose sight of their own needs, they cannot become consumed with the healing of the abused.

Yes this forum is important. I have met wonderful supporters and I know without them I would not be here today. Supporters you deserve a special place and a place to talk and vent your feelings and frustrations. Both the abused and supporters who were victims need to communicate when the time is right of their hurts and emotions. But until that time, both the abused and supporter need to focus on healing themselves first and foremost. Without healing things will not change. The past can control us and in some situations destroy our future, but to release the past is difficult but with healing it can happen.


Edited by KMCINVA (05/15/12 08:34 AM)

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