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#39682 - 04/20/05 11:05 PM I told my secret
Dan01 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/21/02
Posts: 18
Loc: S. California
Today I finally got the courage to tell the truth. I told the unspeakable secret,to my boss and a co-worker why I've been missing so much work lateley. I told them I was going through depression and anxiety attacks lateley. I told them it was due to severe childhood abuse. Physical,emotional and yes sexual abuse. I didn't tell them every detail but now they know They were very supportive and understanding my Boss said she was worried about me latelty and was glad I told her. She shared some of her own struggles and said she hopes to see me back soon.
I am so tired of hidding it takes to much energy to pretend everything is o.k all the time pretending Im happy and so in control. Its terrifing to think What will they think of me, will I be less of a man, will they think I'm weird, will they think im less than human, or gay (even though Im married) or who knows what? I'm finally to the point where I had to say f**ck it this is me take it or leave it, to damn bad if you dont understand. I cant expect everyone to understand. I was sexually abused by my stepfather from age 3-14 had a venerial desease at about 7, I can still remember the burning pain. I was beat up by bullies who saw me as weak and scared (which I was, scared off my ass) who wouldn't be? I was being violated and used as his sexual toy it was a living hell. So I guess I'm entitled to be a little depressed at times,. I'm sick of worring about what others will think of me all the time. This is my reality and I'm finally ready to deal with it. More honestly than ever before. I was a victim, now I'm a survivor and thats life in my world. I still love my wife and kids, I make sure their safe and secure. Yes I will have some ups and down but over all I will be ok. I told the truth and the truth has set me free, I do feel so much more free, I dont have to make up excuses or lies or pretend that life is purfect because it's not, at least not mine. This is part of my life, this is my reality, an I will survive whith Gods help. I have been in thearapy, groups and counseling and it has all helped,and today I finally had the ba**s to admitt that I am not superman and I have flaws and weaknesses. And its ok.
Thanks for being their guys,
Dan


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#39683 - 04/20/05 11:37 PM Re: I told my secret
healing_inside Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/28/05
Posts: 2005
Dan,

What courage it took you to tell your secret. I am proud to read your post. You went from a victim to a survivor. Good for you.

I did the same thing 4 months ago and I nkow how you are feeling.

Like you I got tired of pretending everything was OK in my world and it was killing me inside. Pretending was hurting worse than the CSA at that time

Yes, this is our reality and it hard some days but we manage to keep going with the support of guys here.

I said to myself good another survivor onboard and not a victim anymore

_________________________
I can't come to the phone right now, I am out living my life

*** WoR Retreat Alumni - Alta 2005 ***

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#39684 - 04/21/05 12:10 AM Re: I told my secret
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Dan
Quote:
I was a victim, now I'm a survivor and thats life in my world.
The sun's coming up in your part of the world.

It's a wonderful experience to tell people why we're like we are, and be treated with respect.

Dave \:\)

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#39685 - 04/21/05 01:12 PM Re: I told my secret
phoster Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/21/03
Posts: 758
Loc: ohio
you know i told my boss a while back, because i was struggling. i kind of had to because in the trucking industry we all get tested for drugs and i was afraid one of my>
_________________________
compassion is a light even to the darkest soul

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#39686 - 04/21/05 02:22 PM Re: I told my secret
markw Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/27/04
Posts: 52
Loc: chicago
Dan,

I told my boss and wife in January. They were and still are very supportive and understanding. But I must confess that I am not sure if I am glad that I did so. Part of me wishes that I never did. I do not want to be defined by what happened to me. Now, I am always wondering what they are thinking about me. It has made me feel very exposed. I did not think I would feel this way after telling. All it did was make me even more nervous.

Mark


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#39687 - 04/21/05 03:12 PM Re: I told my secret
bkeithb Offline
Member

Registered: 03/23/05
Posts: 63
Loc: Milwaukee
Dan,

As someone who has only been dealing with my SA history for a few weeks, sharing it with anyone is extremely scary - especially sharing it with my wife!

So, I thank you for your post. Knowing that it was for you, a freeing experience, helps me believe that it will be the same for me. Thanks!

I hope your courage rubs off on me (ha)

_________________________
bkeithb

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