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#396177 - 05/05/12 05:20 AM Re: Hi [Re: herowannabe]
lynnemarie Offline


Registered: 04/29/12
Posts: 22
Hi herowannabe thank you

No you are not misunderstanding the situation unfortunately.
We have got into the habit and can't seem to break it, we say everything by text even argue by text. At first it made sense, we couldn't speak to each other because both of us worked ( I work days, he worked nights) It was our way of keeping in touch with each other as the other was in work, but it's all got out of hand. Face to face we talk about trivial things, weather, tv, etc. Sometimes he will make a comment that I'm not sure how to take and when he gets no response he'll change the subject.
Ask for keeping me secret, I don't know why!! It drives me mad and it is what we argue about the most. We both have children and he says he doesn't want to confuse or upset them, but it's not just that.
He appears completely frightened of commitment, we take a tiny step closer to being a couple and then he bolts and I don't know what to do. A few times we have been close and then he tells me he is moving to another part of the country!
It's all a very unfortunate situation, I accept my own part in it that I have allowed it to continue the way it has done.

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#396315 - 05/06/12 04:39 PM Re: Hi [Re: lynnemarie]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
Hmmmm....

Well, I don't know how you both could verbally discuss significant things like his abuse when you have only verbally discussed insignificant things. It sounds like you have more intimate, deeper, meaningful communication with ME, a complete stranger, than you do with him!

Something tells me you already know what the score is. I think you already know that you two don't have a relationship. I suspect your frustration comes more from being treated with the same regard as a magazine in a doctor's waiting room than from his failure to discuss his past abuse.

I also think you are a beautiful soul, and that someone is out there looking for you. That someone will not only talk with you, but he will be so happy to have your presence in his life. That guy won't hide you, but will be grateful for every memory you both make together, face-to-face. But he can't find you if you are available to him.

Move on! Go find your soul mate!!!

I send you early congratulations on your new relationship, which will begin as soon as you're ready!

herowannabe
_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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#396482 - 05/08/12 01:46 AM Re: Hi [Re: herowannabe]
lynnemarie Offline


Registered: 04/29/12
Posts: 22
I've had to read this several times before I could come back to it and reply. I know you are right and my frustration does stem from the fact that I have spent the last 8 months believing in something that was not there.
I know the best thing to do is to move on, but I don't want to hurt him and comfirm his belief that every one walks away from him because he is no good. He is a good man deep down but he can't give me the things that I want at this time.
That is how I have ended things, told him I love and care for him but it is not the right time for us.
Thanks Herowannabe, although I know in my heart what to do, sometimes you need to see it in black and white.

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#396500 - 05/08/12 10:15 AM Re: Hi [Re: lynnemarie]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6317
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
Originally Posted By: lynnemarie
He wants something from me but have absolutely no idea what it is...


Just taking a wild-shot here...but based upon MY stuff, I would say this:

He wants you there. You are his anchor to windward and a potential reason to face-this and find healing.

Where he has to find healing is a scary and pain-filled place. Facing your own demons can be flat-awful. Doing it alone IS flat-out horror.
_________________________
Jesus Loves The Hell Outta Me!

Still's Globs

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#396514 - 05/08/12 01:25 PM Re: Hi [Re: lynnemarie]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
(((lynnemarie)))
_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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#396800 - 05/11/12 01:50 AM Re: Hi [Re: Still]
lynnemarie Offline


Registered: 04/29/12
Posts: 22
Hi Rob

Yes he does want me there, he is scared to get close, but is also scared to lose me. I want to be there for him as long as he needs me to be but I have no idea what to do. I know that I can't do it from within a relationship at the moment, it is doing more damage than good.
I feel like I am crazy for wanting to support this man, we are not married, have no children together, no reason for me to stick around. He has hurt me, made me question myself and made my head ache trying to figure out his moods, but I believe in him, and that he wants to be better.

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#396801 - 05/11/12 01:51 AM Re: Hi [Re: herowannabe]
lynnemarie Offline


Registered: 04/29/12
Posts: 22
Thanks herowannabe, very much needed smile

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#396832 - 05/11/12 06:01 PM Re: Hi [Re: lynnemarie]
Sailor John Offline


Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 307
Loc: Newfoundland & Labrador
Hi lynnemarie

"I want to be there for him as long as he needs me to be but I have no idea what to do."

Your telling him that you love and will be there for him is a big boost for him, (even when he hides his true feelings) but you must reinforce it every chance you get. Just being there for him when he wants to talk or as a shoulder to cry on is a big relief for him. He will definately need support and preferably several trusted people to just listen him and help however he wants you to when the going gets bad. The bad WILL GET GOOD again. It's just a detour in the road.

Unfortunatly, as several others have said, all his fears and emotions have their own time-line and nobody or no thing can change that, not even him.

You have to make sure that you look after yourself. If you don't, there will be 2 victims; you and him and then neither of you will be able to help either him or your self. Make sure you take time to look after yourself even if it's just to go for a walk or a coffee with the "girls."

I was diagnosed with depression a while after I had to get my dog put to sleep. My doctor said that my dog meant more to me than I knew. He was there to greet me after work, sit with me and I could talk to him with no fear of him talking or yelling back at me or humilating me, he just listened to whatever I had to say to him.

If you may want to consider a dog, you both must think EVERYTHING through including your ability to look after him, train him, take him for at least one hour or 2x30 minute walks every day of the year, the cost of food, vet bills and all the other stuff, including how your boyfriend feels about all this. If it comes out good, it will probably help your boyfriend and yourself a world of good with his antics and tricks and give you something to chat about. As well, you can both have something living to talk to all by yourself.

Good luck with everything and remember what you are going through will be a long and bumpy road. Perhaps even more important, all detours will lead back to the main road but definately not as fast as we would hope.Again Good luck on your journey.
_________________________
I will mourn the teenager I never was and strive to make that dot of light way out in the far reaches of the end of the tunnel turn into a bright sun.

WE ARE NOT VICTIMS. WE ARE THE SURVIVORS!!!

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