While talking with a friend of mine who is a nurse, he made a statement that hit me pretty hard. If you can't love yourself, how are you to love others?

It makes sense in my mind. I asked the question... well, what does that say about my relationship with you since I have said that I loved you but incapable of loving myself? He avoided the question. He did say it implicates me as a hypocrite, but then he pointed out that we all are hypocrites in some way.

So what are your guys opinion on this?

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Something that helps me is to take action first and put the emotions in the rear of train. The caboose may bring up the rear, but it still follows the engine.

Going to the gym, eating healthy, not overeating, getting enough sleep, exercising, grooming, overriding self-deprecating thoughts, talking back to negative thoughts with positive and encouraging self-assessments, and speaking to my self in my thoughts as if I were a loving parent nurturing myself...the way I should have been nurtured and protected as a child.

Next thing I know, I'm feeling better about the day and myself. I may have to repeat the process every single day, or twice a day, or 10 times a day, but it's no different than lifting weights. After some clumsy lifting, some sore muscles, and some challenge, the growth begins to show. Thing is, we don't see the growth from the inside out. It's an unexpected observation that comes from a friend that makes me realize, "Wow, I must be doing something right."

I must admit I don't agree with your friend I'm afraid.

I can only really talk about myself here. I always find it so much easier to value, love, and see good in others than myself and would much rather care for other people or indeed animals than me. i don't however think that in any sense invalidates the feelings I have for others or whatgood I can do for them, indeed if someone ever asks me for help or assistance I feel a great sense of pride, not in myself, but that I am able to do something for someone else.

For me, "worthless" is pretty much a physical measurement. Five foot nine, dark brown to black hair, tenor singing voice, worthless, it is in with the description really and I don't feel I can change it at all.

what however helped me considderably was realizing that just because! it was in my description as an intrinsic part of myself, didn't mean that I had to actually give it any force in my life.

yes I'm worthless, so what? it's the experience of life that counts, not how I might evaluate it to myself.

If I enjoy writing or singing or whatever, I do it, and just recognize that I am always the worst crytic of my own work, and never take my own opinions of anything I do at face value.
whether it's singing, writing, or doing something for others, I know I! will always think what I do is bad simply because I did it, ---- well I just ignore that, the same way I'd ignore the opinion of any unqualified or biased person in favour of a more reasonable one.

it's a bit of a modern trend in writing and media thus far, that someone who is a complete git towards others is only doing it because of something bad they feel about themselves. like a lot of these sterriotypes though, to me it just strikes me as far too simplistic and easy, and thought up by people who prefer pat plot twists over thinking how people really work.

I can think of lots of people who love themselves and don't! love others in the least, or people who are pretty incapable of actually loving or valuing others, but work by a sort of in graned moral code, which is again independent of what they feel about themselves.

then there are people who love perhaps a very few others, and regard anyone outside that circle with suspicion, which again is totally independent of what they think of themselves.

Then! there are some people who might say! they love! others, in a great emotive bussel, but have no actually practical or experiencial way of dealing with it or being of help to others, people who constantly go on about "feelings" without really understanding what they mean.

These are all things people do, and quite convoluted in their relations to others and themselves, so just on a basic level trying to simplify anything down to "love yourself, love others" just seems unrealistic to me.

i think it's more accurate to say that if you don't love yourself it is mmore difficult to accept love from others. you don't really believe it when someone tries to demonstrate or express love for you because you see yourself as not worthy or as undeserving or as disqualified. in the same way it is hard to accept compliments or others' positive evaluations because you don't think you are worthy.

for me it is harder to express love for others - but not to feel it. it's just all bottled up inside because i don't love myself so i don't understand how anyone else could and therefore i'm afraid to express my love in case it is not returned and then it feels worse than remaining silent and uninvolved.

lee

I think it is so true--how could we love our-self? We felt betrayed, violated and destroyed in many ways. We hated part of our-self. The part that we buried the abuse but that part buried was always with us, lurking and making us feel worthless and not worthy of praise or love. Mh kmYes learning to love our-self is most important--I am learning to love myself now. I have accepted the abuse and can now say it was not my fault, I ignore those that try to push me down and hurt me and listen to the words and actions of those that prop me up and helped me to accept the abuse-these people are heroes to me--they look beyond the shallowness of people who can only laugh at the expense of others and spent hours telling everyone how wonderful they are--but it is the silent heroes who give from the heart and soul and do not give or need to boast of helping others because they have helped for the right reasons. These people give unspiration to healing.

So love yourself, find people who love you and support you and most importantly accept what happened as not your fault but the fault of a demented individual.

I struggle with this as well. I was supposed to compile a list of "positive" things about myself.

One each day between sessions. So 14 in all. Today I meet with the counselor again and I have 6 words. The first 3 I wrote (but struggle to even believe or accept) and the other 3 came from someone else.

I struggle with anything good about me. It's just flat out hard to believe it and accept any of it.

Yet I love my wife and I love my kids. I've been described as compassionate by others, yet I have no compassion for myself.

Wish I had the answers.

Thank you all for the comments. It makes sense to me that this might be true in the sense of what Lee said.

I'm beginning to think that I can love others, and it may just not be in its fullest.

I also struggle with the positive but I'm hoping to change that.

Cam

Off course that you are capable of loving others It is great that you are aware of some your problems Sage, I hope that you know how to tackle them.
We survivors are sometimes confused with our feelings just same as all other people, it is not hard to lost ourselves there, it is common human trait.
I find hard sometimes accepting and loving myself just as I'm and not some artificial mask made for public appearance. Thinking positive is huge task that I would I guess trying to learn all my life.
I hope that we all are on path of discovering some love to ourselves and others as well. We need that desperately!
Please keep sharing with us!
Be well!
Pero

If you can't love yourself, you can't receive love (trust) and can't totally give love. It all starts there.