Hello all,

Please forgive me if this is lengthy, but I am currently at a loss of what to do. I am seeking some advice and encouragement. The man I love is a survivor of sexual abuse. We have been dating for nearly two years now.

Before we got together, his emotional life had been pretty turbulent. He was diagnosed with manic depression after a betrayal and a bad break up- he cut himself and had thoughts of suicide. Before that, he battled drug addiction and was promiscuous.

About 3-4 months into our relationship, I tuned in to Oprah's "200 Men" program, and I was particularly moved... then suddenly I knew. I asked my boyfriend if he had ever been molested, and he told me that he had been molested by his older brother. I was overwhelmed with grief and sadness. After that, we didn't discuss it. It made him extremely uncomfortable(of course)and he would change the subject every time it got near the abuse.

As time went on in our relationship, the effects of the abuse(at least, what I'm assuming the effects are) began to take a toll on our relationship,and me. He would constantly accuse me of wrongdoing, and his lack of trust hurt me badly, but I forgave him again and again. Finally, I decided I had had enough of his insecurity, jealousy, and possessiveness and at the beginning of this year, I ended the relationship.

Although we are not currently together in name, we are together in action: we talk almost every day, and we are still intimate(intimacy has not been a problem within our relationship). I'm embarrassed to say that it's almost as if I had never broken up with him at all... I can't find the strength to leave him it seems, although sometimes I do want to move on.

Recently, however, he revealed to me(during an argument)the details of his abuse and the confusion he suffered because of it. He said it went on for years, and even told me what his predator said to him the last time he tried to abuse him. I was(and I still am) furious, disgusted, and in horrible shock and pain. I feel as if this is the reason for his behavior during our relationship- how can I leave him, when none of it is his fault?

I am the only person that knows of his abuse. Not even his mother or father knows. I told him that I'm here for him if he ever needs to talk, or some support. I told him that I was proud of him for being brave enough to look his predator in the face and still call him "brother". And I told him I respect and admire him for his strength.

My questions now are: How can I show him I support him without making him feel uncomfortable? Should he continue to go to therapy? Should we go to therapy together? He recently found faith, and believes he doesn't need a licensed therapist... Should he tell his family? Will he ever tell them? He still thinks of the predator as his "brother" and it's difficult for me to understand... I, myself want his family to know, but I don't want to cause my boyfriend more pain. I'm not sure how he can begin to heal without some sort of admittance on the part of his abuser. Will he never get an apology? Will he have to live with this awful secret forever?

And: How do I deal with my own confusion, pain,and rage?

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this.

Una

This is my first post on this forum...so here is it.

First of all I am a male survivor of abuse and rape and have been married for 26 years. Only 10 years ago did I tell my wife about it. So my advise comes from how my wife helped me thru those dark years.

Firstly your boyfriend must continue with therapy, I went every week for nearly 18 months, my wife also went for a few sessions and we had some sessions together.

Don't push him to tell anyone, both of you must take this journey together. I've told a number of family members but still I have made the decision to withhold it from some of my siblings, it is MY choice to tell who I want,when I want. Telling anybody is HIS choice, you might want to tell his father but you must not.

You need to support him don't make him feel inferior or imperfect, the journey for you will be long and the route is not known, time will only tell.

He will have triggers - things that allow the perpetrator to get back into is mind. Try to help him find these triggers by letting him know when his mood changes, without sounding like a nag.

There is no quick fix, the journey is slow, he and his therapist will determine the pace.

My wife wrote me a letter asking me all those difficult questions that she could not verbalize and told me to reply in my own time, in weeks, months or years. One question at a time I gave her the answers within weeks.

The most important thing is to show LOVE for him, he must know that whatever happened does not change that.

JoziSA-

Thank you so much for sharing and the advice. I think letters are a wonderful idea.

I feel so much better knowing that I'm not alone.

Hi Una.

I am sorry for the situation that you have found yourself in.
I am glad that you found this site, and I hope that one day your boyfriend finds MS for himself.

My first concern is always for the spouse, unfortunately the man has to come to his own conclusion.
One of the best tools in my life was the Oprah show you are talking about, and if it is possible to get a copy and get him to watch it then that would be great.
MS has also just launched a movie and it is brilliant. If you can get this for him then hopefully he will see that he is not alone, he will also learn how the abuse has affected his life.

Therapy for him, needs to be with some one that is experienced in CSA issues, not all therapist are able to deal with this effectively.

Now the next issue is you. Remember that his healing must not be your issue. It must be his choice. You can very easily end up in a codependent relationship and trust me the effects of this on your life can be devastating. You need to learn how to empathise and support without getting to involved. The big question is what if he does not start healing, what then.
You are going to be emotionally tied into a man that will become more and more emotionally and mentally abusive toward you.

Be supportive, but protect yourself, shield yourself from the potential abuse that could come from this.

Ask more questions of the wonderful ladies on this site, and they will give you more wonderful advice.
Sorry if I come across as harsh, but you need to be aware of all the dangers.

Feel free to PM me any time, or ignore me, Both are fine (LOL) But I really do have your health at heart, I know what I put my wife through, and it aint pretty.

Heal well
Martin

Martin, thanks for your response(I don't mind you telling me straight up lol).

I think our relationship was beginning to become codependent, I would accept his behavior again and again with weak threats that if he hurt me again I would leave- when we finally broke up, I freed myself from feeling obligated to please him and make sure my actions wouldn't anger or upset him in any way. Living on eggshells was so emotionally draining.

It's a really thin line but I'm trying my best.

Hi Una,

The problems he had both before you met him and as your relationship went along are very common for sexual abuse victims.

It is vital that your boyfriend continues his counselling. You may want to put a "love note" in with his lunch or somewhere else that he will see it. I would suggest one or two a week.

Because he told you about the abuse. You MUST NOT break this trust by telling anybody else. Everything to do with his abuse MUST be on his schedule as he has to be in control and go at his own pace and on his own time-table.

Your boyfriend is starting out on a long journey to healing. He will need a good support system in place to help him. It will be a long road with lots of detours but all detours lead back to the main road. There will be times when you wonder if it will, but things will get better.

Best of luck to both of you on your journey.

John

Hi Sailor John, thanks for responding. The love note sounds like a good idea. I want to make sure he feels loved and supported through all of this.

Hello Una:

As one of the 200 men on the Oprah shows, thank you for letting us know about the effect on you and your B/f.

The guys above have all given some excellent counsel. The only thing I might want you to consider at this time, is perhaps a T(herapist) or counsellor for yourself. These are rough waters you are swimming in. The waves, as you already know can be huge, and very strong. You can find yourself with a lung full of water here, unless you take steps to take care of yourself in this process. You are important to your b/f's recovery. While he takes care of himself, and you take care of him, who is looking after you?

Thanks for being there for your B/f.

Jim

Jim- thank you for responding and for the great words of encouragement.

Thank you very much Una, I'm sorry its come to this. I want to thank you for everything you've done for me. Even if I was to blind to see, note I know you always did have my best intentions in mind. I'm ashamed and embarrassed, farewell.