I was violently gang raped 29 years ago while on active duty.

During the 70's and 80's South Africa had compulsory military training (conscription) for all white males, if you refused you would go to jail for between 10 and 15 years. At the age of 18yrs I was sent to the Air Force for two years and was trained as a radar operator, as I was based close to home and was doing work as an assistant air traffic controller, it was tolerable. I know you should not talk poltics on this forum, but in this case I need to explain the situation in our country. Everybody knew I belonged to a very small liberal polical party, most white South Africans supported the government with their policy of apartheid. I got used to been ridiculed, on a number of occasions the officers would call everybody for a talk and they would say " watch out, anybody could be a spy... even ......then they would mention me by my rank and name".

It was in my nature to take up leadership roles (now I know why, for my safety I had to have control). I became the spokesman for the conscripts, I discovered fraud taking place on our base, the head of the kitchen was selling our rations, when this was pointed out he was transferred from the base and that week I was "selected " to go on active duty on to the South West Africa/ ( the name of the country when our government occupied it. - now called Nambia) / Angola border, everybody thought we were fighting the communist onslaught, I knew better they were trying to keep the status quo - apartheid.

Active duty was stressful anybody in the military will know, people get killed while on active duty. South Africa was at war, as conscripts we were in forced into this war, if we believed in it or not. The stresses got to me one night and I got drunk in the bar, I stumbled back to my quarters on the other side of the runway, as I passed the mess (canteen) I was grabbed by some guys (not from the airforce, the base also housed the special forces, army and medics) pulled into a room and was violently raped by three males, I was drunk and they were bigger and stronger than me, I tried to fight then off but I was overpowered. It was violent, today I can still remember the smell of their sweat, I was too drunk to remember their faces.

That was the last time I have been drunk. I was abused at the age of 13 when I got drunk on a sports tour and was groomed by another teacher, then abused at 17. My trust for males disappeared, so did my tolerance for people who were tipsy or drunk. I felt uncomfortable in an all male environment.

When it was over I was in shock and dumped like a dead animal. I got back to my quarters and showered for hours, the bleeding finally stopped. I felt as if I was no longer a man, I was damaged goods. I was in pain for weeks. The next day I pretended nothing had happened.

I was raised in a very sexist household, men are tough, cowboys do not cry, feelings are for girls, etc. Looking back I was always told to respect authority, that is why I could be groomed by a teacher.

The next 6 weeks I felt so lonely, nobody to talk to. I had a loving family at home and a girlfriend, my childhood sweetheart that I was madly in love with (now my wife) waiting for my return - that is what got me thru the nightmare. Everybody knew I was against apartheid and they all thought I was a "commie ". I have always wondered was the rape random or was it because I was perceived to be so liberal. I never hid by liberal political thinking.

I needed stitches in my head, but I said it was an accident. I could not let them know my other injuries, fortunately they healed. I could not report the incident, I would have been court marshaled for trying to put the military in disrepute or sent to DB (detention barracks) as a deviant - I would not be believed - no member of the military would do such a thing (the only law was military law) remember this was still in a country where you could be detained for 6 months, if you were perceived to be a threat to the state.

I had flashbacks for years from both the rape and what I witnessed while on active duty. The flashbacks were incomplete, blurred, as I had blocked the rape out of my mind, I knew what happened but was in denial. I used to wake up paralyzed, my eyes were open and I could see everything in the room, I could not move, my wife would hear me mumble for help, she would wake me up. I still did not join the dots. I did some internet research, it could have been anything from evil spirits trying to take over my soul, to brain tumours (sometimes the net is full of bullshit).

I kept my mind busy, ensuring it was in overdrive, I lived for work, became a serial entrepreneur and workaholic, got involved in organizations, took on leadership roles, did everything to ensure my mind was active. Gave my family all the material things, but little time. I was emotionless, no highs, no lows. You can't spend your life on a roller caster, something will eventually give. I never drank or did drugs I had to be in control to protect myself. Only if people knew I was a time bomb waiting to explode.

At 39 everything came to ahead, I spent 18 months in therapy, was fortunate I could afford one and hit the luck the first time, she was the leading expert in this field. The anti depressants worked while I started to put the puzzle together. It started like a had a 1000 piece puzzle, but did not have the picture, so I did not know the outcome, the edges were not there and pieces were missing. I thought it would be an impossible task, but finally I got a few pieces together, then it got easier as I went along. I became a survivor.

My wife stuck with me. I told my wife and later my daughters when they were 18 about being sexually abused as a child and they know I was raped. Only my therapist and now you, if you have read this far know the details (more than this I will never tell anybody).

That was 10 years ago, today I'm a thriver.

I made a mental list of all the things I had to do to get to this point and I am almost finished, I still have to tell some of those I love about the abuse and rape. This post is the 4th last thing on my list, I have openingly discussed the abuse, but the rape has been the most difficult. The next item is already happening to set up an organization to help fellow male survivors in South Africa. I plan to climb Kilimanjaro for all male survivors. The last two items will never be complete it is to love my family, ensure no harm falls apron them or my grandchildren (I don't have any yet, my daughter gets married next month) and to continue with my healing.

This post is dedicated to my wife, whom I met 35 years ago today, we have been married for 27 years. She has stuck by me and for that I will love her forever.

PS This must have been the longest thing I have ever written, as I type with one finger.

UPDATE.

I have now told all my loved ones and friends about my abuse and rape.

A non profit company has been set up "South African Male Survivors Of Sexual Abuse" and a webpage has been launched. www.samsosa.org

I have climbed Kilimanjaro for male survivors and have done a blog on the analogy of conquering a mountain and a journey to recovery. www.kilimalesurvivor.wordpress.com

My wife and I are going to NYC for the Male Survivor 13th International Conference

I will complete my counselor course by the end on December 2012.

Thanks for sharing with us your story Rees. I'm sorry that you have had such terrible experience.
It must be difficult and feeling lonely unable to share pain when you have been learned to always bee tough guy. You did great job crashing that isolation by sharing your story.
Keep sharing with us!
Pero

Hi Rees.

I have heard a lot of your story, but you have really put a lot into this post with the one finger typing. LOL

It is amazing how much we have in common. I too went to the air-force, forced to by a crazy Government. Abused as children and a lot of our journey and the desire to start a support group for men.

Difference is that the air-force was my escape from my perpetrator. I was not hurt in the air-force and actually had a great time in the air-force band for my two years.

The more I read of your life and story the more I get excited about the challenges that lay ahead for both of us.

Thanks for joining me on this journey.

Heal well
Martin

Hi Rees
Thank you for sharing your story with us. Sad as it is, I can understand how this could have happened, I was also in the SA air force and know the circumstances at that time. We have much in common, I was also to be trained as a air traffic controller, but due to an eye injury, I was taken from the course.
I don't feel that I have enough confidence and leadership qualities to be part of a support group for men, but I support your endeavors.

I have started my own journey, thanks for leading the way.
DB

Rees

Thank you for sharing. I have several of your posts--you seem to be in a good place and provide support and encouragement to many. Your ordeals were horrible as is any sexual abuse.

Keep going and sharing with us.

Kevin

This is one of the best descriptions of the beginning stages of recovery I have heard. Well done Rees!

I think I am going to have to add South Africa to my bucket list!

Jim

Your story is a lot like my own. I was in the US Army in the 1970s I was an E-2 and was befriended by an E-7 . Who got me drunk and Raped me. I found that trying to go to the chain of command was a terrable experence . When I tried to talk to any one of athurity . They acted as if I was lieing. I told them Why would any one make up such a terrable thing . I just got put in every shit detail that came along . Until I just gave up . To this day I still remember the name and rank of the Piece of Shit that did this.

Michael

These bastards hide behind the macho'ness of the armed services and take advantage of the fact that they know that the brass will not allow their unit get into disrepute. They would do anything to belittle you and ensure nodoby would believe your story.

Do you still think this attitude is in the military today?

According to some stories that I've read here and elsewhere I would say that not much has changed in military

The trauma of war creates enough stress and affects the soldiers family and community when they return. Add abuse to this and then soldiers comeback really messed up. I can't nderstand why the military just ignore sexual abuse and rape. They seem to deny it or put their heads in the sand, like an ostrich ( if you don't see it, it does not happen)

The US Military is makeing an effort to stop Military Sexual Trauma .At least on the surface. The US Veterans Admistration has councling for any Veteran that has experenced Sexual Trauma. This does not have to have happened while on duty. I believe that treating Veterans for MST is a step in the rite direction.
But I think that the Military needs to Dishonarbly Discharge the people in the ranks that are commiting thease crimes. No matter how long that they have served or there rank.
Because as long as thease people continue to cover up this. It will neaver change until the Military it self cracks down hard on this .
The problem in my opinion is that . The very people that make good combat soldgers . Are the people that do not care the harm that they do to others.

Wow, what an epic journey. To imagine simply being viewed as seditious within the Apartheid SA military seems to me like it would be unbearably frightening and claustrophobic, let alone compounding it with all of the trauma of CSA and then the rape itself.

Your courage and example are inspiring and your story very well written. Best wishes in building your support group from this citizen of the USA.

Thank you for sharing your story Rees

Thanks, I've discovered there is life after abuse. I have booked a flight to the United Kingdom to attend Mike Lew's programmer. It will help in the establishment of the new survivors organisation in South Africa.

Hey Jozi that is awesome news !
Must say that I was waiting for Martin to announce (I guess that same news?), he trow us just peaces and said that he will tell us at the end of this week
I wish you all best with MatrixMen project, that is already history for me !

I avoided this post , I thought it would be too extreme for me to deal with....but I am inspired by your strenght, god bless you.

Steve

Thank you for taking time to read my post, it's been a long journey, but I can now say I am a thriver.

It is. And that's all I can really make myself say right now. But yes, it is, unfortunately.

my story:

MY STORY: I was assaulted many years ago but the effects have always haunted me and I never knew where to turn for help or even bother but my life has been adversely effected ever since and I just somone to hear my story
?
I was sexually assaulted by a shipmate and very close freind (at the time) while aboard ship. I ws not a model sailor but I was far from the worse. I never committed any serious infractions or anything like that; mainly it the incidents were for being late for this or that and disobeying a direct order

The incident happened in 1983 while I was serving aboard the USS Durham LKA-114 which has since been decomissioned. while in port I was sexully assaulted by a shipmate who I knew very well. I was sleeping in an empty stateroom which is to be used by officers when fully staffed but in port the rooms are vacant.

: while sleeping I was awakened by this man performning oral sex on me; I completely froze for a few secons and my mind went blank and I can't tell you what was going through my mind at the time. I just began to kick wildy until he stopped the he ran out of the stateroom

I stayed there alone for I don't know how long; paralyzed and frightened and I did not know what to do; bear in mind that I was just 20-years old at the time. I kept the incident to myself for 2-3 days but I could keep it to myself; I felt so ashamed, violated and broken. who would believe me? everyone knew that we were freinds but as God nis my witness I never asked for or invited what happened but the sense of responsibility was crushing me and in some measure it does today.

Finally, after 2-3 days of confusion and fear I decided to tell the Master at arms abord ship about what occurred; it took everything I had to report this and I think I creid the entire time and I wanted answers and help but I was sadly mistaken. Shall I go on?

I avoided (let's call him Skip) anytime after the assault. He avoid me (I assume) and I definitley avoided him but I wanted answers; I considered him a freind and he violated every measure of trust that exists. Looking back on it now I have come to realize that this is the predator's method; get the target to trust them and let their guard down then make their move. no more than a week later while I was standing watch on the quarter deck I saw Skip being escorted off the ship by the Master at arms with all gear in hand and although we looked

straight into each others eyes we did not say a word; I reminder it all like it was yesterday. I expected to hear from the XO, Captain, divsion officer or someone after Skip was escorted away but no one in authority asked me anything afterwards but I made it crystal clear that I was assaulted. I was not offered counseling or asked how was I doing or was I alright; none of that.

Then, about a month later I was informed that I was being prosecuted or processed out of the Navy by way of and admin discharge even though I had not committed any recent offenses. I was told that my servce was unsatifatory and not fit for Naval service. By this time, I had less than 7-months to serve before my enlistment ended in which I was certain to recieve an honorable discharge

I could not believe any of this was happening to me and as I look back on the incident I have at times cursed myself for for speaking up and reporting what happened but I just could not sit back k and do nothing about it and I thought I was doing the right thing. Anyway, the admin board decidedn that I should be discharged with a general under honorable conditions. In discussions with my attorney she didn't feel that the Navy had a viable case and and she strongly felt that I would simply be allowed to complete my 7-months remaining

and be done with it. in her opinion the worse case scenario would be a general discharge and by this time I just wanted everything to be over with; it was just too much for me.

thanks. Ultimately, the board decided on a gen under honorable conditions which at that point I did not mind because it meant that I could retain benefits and keep my sense of dignity and give me some measure of validation back; keep in mind that at no time was I offered help or counseling and by this time it was clear, at least in my estimation, that the Navy just wanted me gone; this well before the "don't ask don"t tell policies and things like that

: 4-6 weeks passed and the final paperwork came back so I could be discharge I was shockeing board d to find out that the covenening admin board was invalid because the senior officer on the board was a reservist rather than a full time Naval officer! Really? Robert-you can't make this kind of stuff up! At this point my attorney assumed that the case would be dropped because of the time and resources to re-try or convene another board and I had so little time yet to serve out my obligation but that was not the case

a new admin board was in fact reconvenned and this time I was given an OTH (other than honorable discharge) and because admin boards are considered non-judicial punishment there's no appeal process. if that's not justice the what is! I cannot even begin to express how this entire ordeal has effected my life; it won't go away and I still struggle with self esteem and trust and the entire myriad of symptoms victims of sexual assault suffer

I don't if anyone cares about what happened since it was so long ago; the Navy discarded me like an piece of scap iron or less; truthfully, this ordeal still continues to haunt me; the assault was bad enough but the ensuing OTH discharge; That's just too much for me and if my service records could be reviewed by the proper authority it's all there

so, why am I here now telling my story? well, I have overwhelming feelings of inadeqaucey, fear of rejection, self esteem and all the other symptoms; I read like a book in this regard and it interferes with my personal relationships;especially intimate ones; especially when it comes to trust admittedly I am a broken man and in low times my sense of personal self worth is trashed and personally no I don't feel that anything will change


what made this situation even worse is that I was molested on at least 3-ocassions as a boy so I didn't know or realize at that time but I was traumitized before any of this crap ever happened

Jozi,

your are a remarkable individual and more power to you; I have been feeling alone and sort of existing in a vacum emotionally and I took failed to connect the dots; but I notice that it's difficult for me to form nadn keep those close relationships because I have also struggled to feel like a man at times; your uplifting story and the other replys have really helped me;thank u all!

Hey sandiego, welcome to MaleSurvivor. I'm sorry that you have to be here, and I'm sorry to hear about your story, must be difficult for you since than
At least this is good place to share your story and give/get some support by other survivors.
Please consider to make post into introduction part of this board where many brothers could greet you more easily:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=postlist&Board=72&page=1
Be well brother!

Pero

I think I should give some feedback on my journey to recovery. It has been a while since I have been here. I recently summitted Kilimanjaro, Africa's highest point and the worlds tallest stand alone mountain. This was part of my healing process as I climbed for all male suvivors. The journey as now been posted on a blog with pictures.
www.kilimalesurvivor.wordpress.com
Please post some comments for other male survivors.

Hey JoziSA, it is good to see you after some time
You were on top of Kilimanjaro, wow, I will read all that you wrote about this challenge. I truly believe that there is one mountain for everyone of us waiting to be conquered! It must be some great healing experience?
Your blog is AWESOME!

I hope to see you more around

Pero

Thanks Pero.

The one thing a did learn on that journey, is that the reward for your own healing, is to help others heal. Just as you and the others are doing here.

All i can say is sorry. Its not your fault never was. You have an amazing story and you are the first case of a man in the military in South Africa to come forth. I were only a cadet on a cadet camp and i withnessed some serious male abuse as well. Being fifteen at the time and being a survivor myself i am just glad it werent happening to me. There were some older guys hitting on younger guys and i managed to stay away from them the entire time. I am sorry this happened to you. I am sorry that it took you so long to feel the comfort to come forth but i for one am so glad you did. Please keep me posted - you have my emial and cell number by now.

Sandiego

I took on a challenge this year to climb the tallest stand alone mountain in the world and the highest point in Africa, it was part my own healing for me to feel like a real man and to climb for other male survivors. Please visit the blog and I hope it helps you. www.kilimalesurvivor.wordpress.com

I had a very similar experience as described in this post(in college). I fell asleep and woke up when a guy tried to give me oral. I hand drank quite a bit of alcohol. I did not know the guy very well at all. I chased him out of the room and told a couple of my friends what he had done. We all agreed that this guy was letcherous. I offer this because I don't remember feeling any emotional repercussions other than being a little shocked. I must have been 19 at the time. Therefore, I'm wondering if part of what you are feeling is more about how your military superiors dealt with the issue. I'm not trying to marginalize your expereince but wonder if you need to tease out what the issues actually are and why they have had this effect on you.

JoziSA,
You are my new role model.
-Keith

Keith

I'm sorry I missed this. Thank You.

I'm very excited, Mike Lew's air tickets have been booked and he is coming to a South Africa. He will doing a series of training for professionals and weekend for survivors.

Those are some great news Rees
Keep us informed!

Pero

Keith

I got my inspiration from all the men on this forum and the survivors I met in the UK during a weekend of healing and in USA at the MS international conference. I think it is knowing "we are not alone" and that there are millions out there that have not yet found that out.