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#396304 - 05/06/12 01:52 PM I don't know what else to do?
Angelx Offline


Registered: 10/18/09
Posts: 32
Loc: UK
Hi, I've not been on for quite a while now. Maybe I didn't feel I needed to, since my partner sought help from our GP and started on anti-depressants, things improved loads. But every now and then I get a reminder of just how disturbed and troubled he really is. We have been together about 8 years now and I do still love him but his "secret" is destroying everything we have ever had bit by bit. I have been so close to finishing with him on numerous occasions but he always begs me for another chance and I give in. He hates himself and sometimes just wants to end it. He has so much love and effection to give and everyone that knows him loves him but he can't comprehend that, why would anyone love him? He plucked up the courage to see a counsellor, despite always being adament he would never speak to anyone about it. It took alot for him to take that step, but it all got thrown back in his face. The counsellor didn't give a shit, even wasting time on her mobile whilst in a session with him. She turned round to him, after only 2 sessions, and said if he wasn't prepared to tell her anything there was no point continuing with therapy and signed him off. If only she knew the damaged she had done. Now he says he'll never speak to another counsellor but I've told him its the only way forward. Am I right, is counselling the only way he will ever have a chance of finding peace? I'm at my wits end, I don't think I can do anything else to help him, he has to do it for himself. Last night was a bad night, I've told him I can't continue to live like this. If he doesn't find a way to fight his demons, we don't have a future. I have to put my kids first. Am I wrong to give him an ultimatum?

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#396313 - 05/06/12 04:17 PM Re: I don't know what else to do? [Re: Angelx]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
IMHO, no, you are not wrong to give him an ultimatum. This is your life, too. Sometimes an ultimatum is the only way left to begin true recovery, or end true stagnation. Either way, you deserve recovery every bit as much as he does.

I'm sorry he got hold of a bad counselor. That happens and it's extremely hurtful. However, HE is master of his life, not some loser counselor. He's going to have to get up off his bruised behind and get back to it! From what you've said, he chooses to stay in victimhood rather than doing the hard work of recovery.

So his counselor burned him. She's not the only one out there. Does he know about this site? Does he visit here? Has he read any of the survivor stories? Has he asked for recommendations for counselors in the UK? Are there support groups in the UK he could join? Has he read any books on the subject?

Unfortunately for you, Angelx, your relationship hinges on him. As much as we supporters want to help the ones we love, we simply can not pull to shore someone who is intent on drowning. The longer you stay out in the water struggling to bring him to shore, the more likely you are going to go under with him. And who will save you?

I support your ultimatum and send you prayers for strength and wisdom.

Godspeed, sweet soul!
herowannabe
_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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#396325 - 05/06/12 06:05 PM Re: I don't know what else to do? [Re: Angelx]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi Angelx

Well this is just so sad, It seems to be a very British way of dealing with this problem.
I am deeply saddened that they are such a modern society, and they continue to Not deal with the victims of sexual abuse. I am sorry that he had that experience with the therapist, and this therapist should actually reported, not easy when no one seems to give a Sh*^.
The other great problem is that simply giving him drugs and saying things are better, IS NOT DEALING WITH THE PROBLEM.
Drugs inhibit the ability to feel emotions, and if a man cant feel, well then, he cant heal.

Now I am going to give you a web site that you need to go to, and there is a forum on this site. The group Is called AMSOSA, and it is based in Swindon, please contact them and ask them for a therapist that specializes in the treatment of CSA.
The web Page is www.amsosa.com

Now, as far as you are concerned, please do not take this from your man. YOU ARE NOT A DOORMAT. there is a great post on that on this forum, read it.

You are in a position to be able to TELL this man that he needs to start dealing with his past. It is for your own sanity, and for his.

I am a great believer in the health of the Spouse, if you are not well then you cannot assist him to be well. But you have also been mentally and emotionally abused so you need to find yourself and once you find that self again, then you will have the strength to assist your husband to go and heal himself.

Please contact AMSOSA, and they will be able to advise you and help you to get your husband to heal.
I hope that I have not come across to harsh, but I am rather passionate about this.

Feel free to contact me and PM me at any time if you need more info re groups etc in Britain.

Heal well
Martin
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#396412 - 05/07/12 01:02 PM Re: I don't know what else to do? [Re: Angelx]
Angelx Offline


Registered: 10/18/09
Posts: 32
Loc: UK
Thank you both for your advice. You have re-inforced what I already knew deep down but I just needed to hear it from others with similar experiences.

I have told him about this website before but he is scared that,if he starts to face what happened to him, he won't be mentally strong enough to cope with it. He has got by in life by blocking it out and putting an act on for everyone around him, including his family. He is scared it will tip him over the edge and he doesn't trust himself not to do something stupid. I've told him he doesn't really have alot to lose by trying because, without healing, he will have nothing anyway.

I have found a local support group that is lottery funded and they offer free counselling for as long as is needed but he just needs to muster the courage to take that step again and hopefully this time he won't get burnt.

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#396413 - 05/07/12 01:16 PM Re: I don't know what else to do? [Re: Angelx]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6397
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
I would strongly suggest this: If a therapist is out of the questions, try installing one in his own head. PLEASE! Get him a copy of "Victims No Longer," by Mike Lew.

It did wonders for me and about 1,000,000 others as well.

This is not the alley to walk through in the dark. Get as much knowledge as you both can. But this book will be a soul-level companion to him. It ought to be read in wee bites and reflected upon greatly before moving-on.
_________________________
Wish You Were Here!

The Aftermath Video

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#396417 - 05/07/12 02:04 PM Re: I don't know what else to do? [Re: Still]
Angelx Offline


Registered: 10/18/09
Posts: 32
Loc: UK
Thanks Rob, I've just ordered it from Ebay.

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