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#396594 - 05/09/12 10:17 AM Re: do we go after them [Re: skylar777]
peroperic2009 Offline

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3739
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey Skylar,
please don't be so hard to yourself. I think that many of us have been left confused about our orientation. Abuse is main reason for that, that is for sure.
If you are feeling fragile and vulnerable about all this there is no need to do something that will make things even worse. Please think what you can do to feel better.
I'm sorry that your mother and wife didn't share more acceptance and compassion to you and your terrible experience. We all need much more to accomplish trough learning and raising awareness about these issues. Insufficient knowledge and ignorance are our worst enemies. I've found some personal mission in battling those obstacles. Other thing that helps me a lot is giving support to brothers.
I hope that you are aware how much you can give us and by doing so help others, please share whit us more. There is no need to feel low about all this.
Healing is possible - those words I'm trying to repeat every day.
Be well!
My story

#396599 - 05/09/12 11:38 AM Re: do we go after them [Re: skylar777]
Chase Eric Offline

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 2188
Putting him in jail will only bring others into my nightmare that don't know this happen to me.

With the caveat that I can only say this is true for me, I don't believe that doing something negative to another person - no matter how much they deserve it - brings anything positive to me. And if it did, I would seriously search my soul about it. Isn't that essentially what our violators did to us? The only difference is we didn't deserve it.

I respect that you intone God a lot in your posts - and even though I consider myself secular, your spirit of belief in something powerful and positive rings true with me. Personally, I do not accept JC as my "savior", but he certainly sits in my conscience - so in that sense, maybe he is. If I listen carefully to that little voice in my head - that's the closest I get to God's will. WWJD - What Would Jesus Do? - that's what drives me. It seems so simple. Yet - at least from my perspective - with the heavy extravagance and politics and ritualistic sophistication of organized Christianity, it is no wonder that the simple message of just being good gets lost. I did read the Gospels once, and walked away with the paradoxical impression that JC was an amazingly simple person.

We just have way too many layers of social crap sometimes to see it. I look in my cat's eyes - he sits so comfortably and nonjudgmentally in his own skin - and I honestly think he has a more innate connection with "God" than I do.

As far as your sexual orientation, isn't it true that "God" (whatever your interpretation of him is) never gives us more than he knows we can handle? If that is true, perhaps we are all in this world to carry our particular burdens. Trying to work through issues of sexual orientation for me became an exercise of intense self-focus, yet I got nowhere. Who would I have been had I not been subject to the intense and repeated violations I endured transitioning through my pubescence? I eventually realized that none of those issues seemed to have an answer - so maybe the questions were wrong. Once I made the decision to accept myself instead of fight myself, I became a whole lot more functional, gained a lot of friends and a lot of support. More importantly - my ability to give to others - of myself - vastly improved. I don't disparage the struggle of others - I can only share what is true for me, and fully respect that it may not be true for others, or even for you. But, Skylar, I see in you a person who is struggling with a decision to lash out - and justifiably so - to your perp. And I see another struggle to embrace yourself or who you think you should be. They are both different and opposite struggles. Where do you put your energy - an act of hurt towards another, or an act of love and acceptance towards yourself? Can you do both? Maybe. I couldn't. But whatever you do, I can at least make THIS categorical statement: addressing one struggle will not resolve the other.

Originally Posted By: Skylar
I just don't understand why i keep thinking i am bi or gay it never stops. I don't want to be gay but the way i think keeps me wondering. If it was not for my strong will i would have left my marriage and been gay full time.

I think it comes down to looking deeply at who you are - regardless of whatever forces, evil or otherwise, made you grow that way. For me (and I stress for ME), fighting my sexual orientation - whether it was Gay or Bi or SSA - was really just a way for me to perpetuate my perp's abuse. He was long gone, but he set up this remarkable internal struggle within me. Accepting who I am was the way I finally kicked him out of my head. I can't undo the damage he did to me, but I can stop fighting impossible battles, pick up what is left of my life, and be as intrinsically ME as I can possibly muster. Acceptance of self is the ultimate grace. Life is short and far too many of us have battled with ourselves to the grave.

Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ...Dr. Seuss

This is what brings me here

#396608 - 05/09/12 01:19 PM Re: do we go after them [Re: skylar777]
skylar777 Offline

Registered: 11/15/11
Posts: 30
Loc: ohio
thanks peroperic i am a fighter even though physical limitation and mental limitations are weighting heavy on me. But being i am a religous person i am not going to do anything stupid that i will promise you. i am just low and tried of this race for peace. thanks again please keep in touch
the scares run deep within our bodies,mind and soul. Only the help from God and others like us can get us thru to the understanding we will over come.

#396625 - 05/09/12 04:02 PM Re: do we go after them [Re: skylar777]
Still Offline

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 7011
Loc: FEMA Region 1
Not to hi-jack the thread...I think its on-point. Plz tell me if it is.

My first T was an unmitigated terrorist of the mind. She said some very destructive things, including that I had a duty to the world to "go after them."

She went so far as to fault me for not doing so way back then...that the perpetrators all behaved as predators and likely messed up many kids after me.

I still want to puke (seriously) when I even think of what she said and did to me. Makes me feel dangerously bad about myself.

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