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#396447 - 05/07/12 06:20 PM Re: do we go after them [Re: skylar777]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3599
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey Skylar,
well I'm aware that as Christians we have to be grateful and forgivable in our lives. However in case of sexual abuse there is exception sometimes. Abuse is so morally and psychologically complex issue that is on some other level needing to be viewed not just and only as religious matter.
We survivors have in first place to do huge amount of work related to our own well being and recovery from so devastating thing like abuse. To be able to forgive our abuser - work that should be done to understand overall picture is even greater and task more complicated. Please try to put more energy in understanding your abuser, his actions and all about devastating scars that abuse left on you. Be aware that there are many situations when it is not healthy and not possible to forgive. And nobody would go to hell because of that.
Goal of confrontation to perpetrator doesn't have to be to send him to jail (even institutional dealing with some of them should be priority; many abusers are repeating abuse and we have to fight so terrible crime). We as Christians have to think always and in first place on safety of innocent children and people - this includes also closest abuser's family members who also could be abused and in great pain.
Some other reasons for confrontation perpetrator are:
"Some survivors have requested money to pay for their therapy as a means of restitution for the abuse. Others have used the letter to establish boundaries with the abuser. This may mean the abuser is told not call or contact the survivor without the survivor's request. The survivor may insist on an apology or have the abuser confirm to other family members that the abuse did indeed take place."
Thirdly we have to be responsible and protective to ourselves. Nobody has rights to use us to his own selfish wishes and needs. Our responsibility and compassion to ourselves as innocent victims has to lead us to some actions. Passivity is in any case totally wrong and irresponsible to victims (ourselves), put it in religious colors or not that is the fact. So please think more on all this and see what suites you the best.
Here is one thread about confrontating abuser with aim to find some details about abuse, nevertheless maybe reading it could give you broader perspective on all this:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=394707&page=1
And here is one book that some brother survivor recommended it, it is about how forgiveness often proves very destructive for victims of parental abuse: http://www.amazon.com/The-Body-Never-Lie...4552&sr=8-1
I hope that this will be helpfull to you.
Be well!
Pero
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#396457 - 05/07/12 09:38 PM Re: do we go after them [Re: skylar777]
skylar777 Offline


Registered: 11/15/11
Posts: 30
Loc: ohio
but one thing is i was 12 he was 15 and did it to me for 3 years so he was a minor as well so nothing will happen to him.
_________________________
the scares run deep within our bodies,mind and soul. Only the help from God and others like us can get us thru to the understanding we will over come.

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#396476 - 05/08/12 12:05 AM * [Re: skylar777]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/28/13 02:07 PM)

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#396484 - 05/08/12 03:02 AM Re: do we go after them [Re: skylar777]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3599
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey Skylar, I just wanted to say that issue of forgiving to abuser is somehow very complex and difficult. Please slow down a little bit, every each of us has to find own way to deal with this issue. There is no general rule that is applicable to all of us on same terms.
Please share more whit us. You are not alone in all this!
Pero
_________________________
My story

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#396554 - 05/08/12 11:26 PM Re: do we go after them [Re: skylar777]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1274
Skylar, those were the approximate ages in my situation as well. I am considering talking to my molester now and will probably make a move to do so within the next few weeks.

I'm not as bound by the religious precept of forgiveness. But my natural constitution is to forgive or - barring that - strive for the next best thing - to understand.

In my situation, my younger sister was also molested. Anger issues with me are very convoluted - I actually feel more anger for what he did to her than to me, and it took a lot of therapy for me to sort that stuff out (and it's still not fully sorted - but at least I understand better where I am coming from).

Being a minor is no excuse, of course. Did you feel an uncontrolled compulsion to molest a 12-year-old when you were 15? Note the two words - uncontrolled and compulsion - both are required to commit the crime. So for someone to do what our abusers did to us, there has to exist profound intent and liberty with which to act. Are you are giving him a bit of a "pass" because he was a minor? Could that in turn dilute the anger you would otherwise feel?

Even ascribing full responsibility to him may not resolve the hesitancy you feel about confrontation. In that case, I would suggest following what your heart tells you to do. Ultimately, this is a very deep and personal decision. We can all tell you what we would do. But the one thing that has really come home to me here on the boards is how many variables there are in everyone's experience with CSA. How one person deals with the situation may be totally different than another person's approach.

There is no right or wrong - there is only following your heart. If your heart says forgive and forget, then do it. Or maybe you have already done that for decades and - like me - found it falls short of delivering the peace and closure you really thirst for. Well, I can only share what is true for me. But in my case, I just want answers. He has them. That's my closure - not venting, not telling him to go to hell, not even locking him up - but rather simply putting him there and holding him responsible for the only thing he can really do at this point - tell me why. Besides - it was in New York State and their ridiculously short statute of limitations has run out for me to act. But I'll settle for that talk.

Interestingly, some have told me he'll bullshit me if it ever got that far. Well, I'll watch him squirm and struggle under my questions - but I can tell you that this goes so deep for me that I know I'll get the truth. I can't say how and I can't even explain it but I know it. I won't settle for less, and I will know the truth when I hear it. This stuff just goes too deep, we've had too much history, and he forced me to know him a little too well. A sexual abuse crime is a crime of intimacy - you get to know the abuser very well on a very subconscious/subliminal level even if you don't think you do. That undercurrent now serves to my advantage.
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#396555 - 05/08/12 11:27 PM Re: do we go after them [Re: skylar777]
kirby Offline


Registered: 04/23/12
Posts: 23
Well Its not easy i am attempting the same thing but the statute of limitations have run out for me so i have to contact others i think it might have happened too. my advice is put this person in jail, if not for yourself for others,

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#396584 - 05/09/12 09:11 AM Re: do we go after them [Re: skylar777]
skylar777 Offline


Registered: 11/15/11
Posts: 30
Loc: ohio
Chase eric thank you so much for your insight. I believe you have a great way of putting things into perspective. I sit constantly wondering would i have been this little boy wanting to look and touch other kids if this creep would not have forced his way onto me. Would i have been overwhelmed by these emotions to have sex with other males all my life if not for this act my perv did on me. I have struggled and gotten myself in some trouble over this happening to me. I did not believe i was raped for years i just thought this is what some boys do experiment with others growing up. Till 20 some years later i figured i was not originally gay or bi. I got married and my marrage has now been govern by my experince.30 years later i am still wondering if i am gay or bi or straight. This acts that my perv done and had me do has altered my life. I can't seem to find closure on this. Putting him in jail will only bring others into my nightmare that don't know this happen to me. The press will get hold of this and then the world will know this is not what i want. so i sit here thankful for others like you who help me with my thoughts. where do i turn........
_________________________
the scares run deep within our bodies,mind and soul. Only the help from God and others like us can get us thru to the understanding we will over come.

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#396586 - 05/09/12 09:12 AM Re: do we go after them [Re: skylar777]
skylar777 Offline


Registered: 11/15/11
Posts: 30
Loc: ohio
if i put him in jail the press will run with this and i will be exposed to others cridasizim
_________________________
the scares run deep within our bodies,mind and soul. Only the help from God and others like us can get us thru to the understanding we will over come.

Top
#396588 - 05/09/12 09:14 AM Re: do we go after them [Re: skylar777]
skylar777 Offline


Registered: 11/15/11
Posts: 30
Loc: ohio
Thank you so much i wait for the day my Lord comes for me and i will ask him if i made the right decision.
_________________________
the scares run deep within our bodies,mind and soul. Only the help from God and others like us can get us thru to the understanding we will over come.

Top
#396590 - 05/09/12 09:20 AM Re: do we go after them [Re: skylar777]
skylar777 Offline


Registered: 11/15/11
Posts: 30
Loc: ohio
I have shared some but finding the right words comes hard for me at times. I just don't understand why i keep thinking i am bi or gay it never stops. I don't want to be gay but the way i think keeps me wondering. If it was not for my strong will i would have left my marriage and been gay full time. but i find women attractive too. I keep wondering if this had not happen to me would i have been a normal kid straight. I don't hate gay people at all i care for them i feel what they are feeling, but i wonder have most gay people gone though this stuff and are hurting too. Why this happen to me i guess i will never find out. I came out and told my mother i was raped and since then her additude has changed towards me. one of discuss if feel. My wife does know but has not tried to find out the details yet. so i am not sure why but she does not trust me around young boys or men who are in here words (hot) so i live under the gun with this too.sad I do wish God would take me home . and soon
_________________________
the scares run deep within our bodies,mind and soul. Only the help from God and others like us can get us thru to the understanding we will over come.

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