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#396095 - 05/04/12 05:29 PM please help!
1luckyman Offline


Registered: 04/05/12
Posts: 9
I don't really know how to start this, I have trouble getting my thoughts onto words but here it goes. While dealing with my abuse I have put more effort into getting close to God than I ever have before. I don't drink I don't watch any movies or TV shows that are sexual. I gave up cussing, something I was very good at. I only listen to Christian radio. I have almost run off the road to avoid looking at pretty women jogging! I have done everything I can think of. It's not working, in fact I feel farther from God than I ever have. My job has went to crap to the point that I'm getting up at 3am and some nights not getting home until 9-10 pm. I know I need to read and study the bible more but I need sleep too. It just seems like the harder I try the more things go wrong. Im having a horrible time trying to get into therapy because of work. I can't talk to my pastor because it's a relative and I don't want them knowing my past. I've had a streak of bad luck that just wont end. Even as I type this I'm setting on the side of the road for the second Friday in a row with a blown tire. (I drive a truck ) I think I'm going nuts! It's gotten to the point I have even questioned God and say the heck with it all but them and only then I feel him pull me back in. I know some of the problems I have brought on myself by bad choices, some are just life, but man sometimes it feels like he's pushing me away. I just feel so dang helpless. I need some inspiring words of hope. Even if you think your going to make me mad please someone. Unusually is the comments that sting a little that help. Am I just being a baby? Do I need to just suck it up and stop crying? Do you think God is testing me?

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#396104 - 05/04/12 09:06 PM Re: please help! [Re: 1luckyman]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2568
Somestimes during difficult times remembering God's promises is a big help. I'm not one who usually just quotes, but I thought perhaps it might help as you are trying to draw near to God.

Feel free to PM me anytime as well.

I will never leave you nor forsake you. - Hebrews 13:5

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. - Jer. 29: 11-13

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. - Romans 8:28

Those who plant in tears will harvest with shouts of joy. - Psalm 126: 5

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#396109 - 05/04/12 10:04 PM Re: please help! [Re: 1luckyman]
traveler Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3204
Loc: back in the USA
Matthew 11:28 Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.”

if the burden you are carrying is too heavy for you - then maybe it didn't come from God. maybe others have made you feel guilty or unworthy. maybe you are taking too much upon yourself. maybe you are try to DO too much yourself. maybe you need to trust God and rest in Him for awhile and let HIM do something in your life. i know i always feel like i have to do it all myself - live up to expectations, become better, change myself to qualify for His love and acceptance. trusting anyone - even God - especially God - is hard for me - but i think it is needed.

i'm sure you've heard of "mustardseed faith" - the tiniest amount - that is still supposed to be effective. i prefer to call it "white-knuckle faith" or "hanging on by my fingernails faith" - it may not be much but it is all i've got and i think God knows that and honors that. it is totally acknowledging my completely desperate dependence on Him because i can't do anything for myself.

i applaud your efforts at change and growth and improvement. don't give up. but don't blame yourself - or God - for all the bad stuff. ask God for a rest like Jesus promised.

Praying that you find some peace in the midst of the storm.
Lee
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#396179 - 05/05/12 06:06 AM Re: please help! [Re: 1luckyman]
mike13 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/02/11
Posts: 419
Loc: California USA
Lucky please remember some people maynot be too happy with you that you are turning more towards God. I think you know who I am talking about. No matter what he tries to hit you with just stay strong and God will rescue you in the end. You just have to wait it out. Remember it is the challenges in life that we beat that make us stronger. Mike

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#396203 - 05/05/12 12:22 PM Re: please help! [Re: 1luckyman]
1luckyman Offline


Registered: 04/05/12
Posts: 9
Thanks Guys, I think a lot of it may be growing pains. I would still consider myself a "baby" in my walk. I have always believed in God, just never tried to live it like I should until recently.
What scares me is sometimes I find myself getting bitter toward God. I know I shouldn't question him, but I wonder out of all his wonderful creations that seem so perfect.... how did I get so messed up? I don't know how to trust him, to put everything in his hands. Lee, I do feel like I have to do it all. I feel like he didn't help me when I was being abused, how can I trust him now? I also feel like its my fault, I can't be closer to him because of my sin. I feel like I have no right to ask him for help so I try to fix my life myself. I think , well its your fault you caused this so just deal with it. I pray to him to help me change, its been painful for me and my wife but I do believe I have, but I still don't feel closer to him. By closer I mean I don't feel like I can trust him. I know we have free will and he won't intervene with it, but there are areas in my life I don't want free will I want his will but it just seems like he doesn't break thru. Maybe Im not letting him because I don't fully trust him like I should I don't. I just don't know.

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#396472 - 05/07/12 11:51 PM Re: please help! [Re: 1luckyman]
traveler Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3204
Loc: back in the USA
1luckyman -

*** What scares me is sometimes I find myself getting bitter toward God. I know I shouldn't question him, but I wonder out of all his wonderful creations that seem so perfect.... how did I get so messed up? ***

yeah - the old "why me?" question. it doesn't help to ask it but it is impossible NOT to ask. I've had to vent to God and let him know exactly what i think - and then let it go - and ask forgiveness if i was inappropriate. i don't think i'll ever get an answer that satisfies me. so i accept the broken mess that resulted from my experiences and say - OK start with NOW and start working forward from here.

Isaiah 45:9
“Woe to those who quarrel with their Maker, those who are nothing but potsherds among the potsherds on the ground. Does the clay say to the potter, ‘What are you making?’ Does your work say, ‘The potter has no hands’?"

this sounds pretty serious - but let me say - i DO NOT believe that God is responsible for the CSA. Some one else did it to me. of course, the big question of man's free will vs. God's sovereignty is coming into play here. i can't even go there right now because it just makes me crazy.

one thing that has helped me is reading the psalms where David is venting to God. He is pretty blunt in his complaints - but he always comes around to some expression of trust or dependence in the end. I can relate to that. And he is called "a man after God's own heart." God didn't reject or judge him for being honest. He LOVED him! i hope that can be true for you and me too.

here's another reference to pots that i like better than the first one:

Jeremiah 18:4
"But the pot he was shaping from the clay was marred in his hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him."

that seems to offer a lot of hope that God can salvage what i see as damage and disaster and make something good out of it.

*** I feel like he didn't help me when I was being abused, how can I trust him now? ***

we survivors have big issues with trust - whether it is with other people or with God. i guess that is natural - given our past - i am still working on that one.

*** I also feel like its my fault, I can't be closer to him because of my sin. ***

OK - 2 different issues here -

1. ALL of us have sinned - but that kind of guilt is real and can be settled easily. if you've asked God for forgiveness for your own failings, it is done. God has not only forgiven - but also forgotten. How i wish we were able to have such perfect forgiveness and loss of memory for ourselves.

2. the abuse was NOT your fault or your sin - even though you/i feel like we are tainted and defiled by the specific sins that others perpetrated on us. those do NOT belong to us!!! we've gotta throw them back on those who they belong to - those to blame. one of the names of Satan is "the Accuser" - for good reason. don't buy that lie!

Well, i don't know if any of that was helpful - but i hope at least you realize that you are not alone in struggling to make sense of your faith and the facts of your experience. keep at it - don't give up on yourself or on God!

Grace, Hope, & Peace to you!
Lee



Edited by traveler (05/08/12 01:53 AM)
Edit Reason: sp
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#396534 - 05/08/12 08:27 PM Re: please help! [Re: 1luckyman]
1luckyman Offline


Registered: 04/05/12
Posts: 9
Lee, I can't thank you enough for the help you have given me. Everyone on here that replied has. I've done some thinking on the scripture you gave me about the potter and the pot. My Daughter sings a song in church, the potter knows the clay, how much pressure it can take, how many times behind the wheel till there's submission to his will. I'm amazed at how many times I have heard her sing that but never listened to it. I said before that out of all Gods creations how did I get so messed up. Implying he mad me that way. I no longer believe that. I think that the abuse,my sin, and just life have messed me up.
"But the pot he was shaping from the clay was marred in his hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him." That's where I'm at! I think he is cleansing me and molding me into what he intended me to be.
Thank you for helping me see that.
As for sin, I know God has forgiven me. We had a long talk about it. I'm learning my wife has forgiven me, we're still having long talks about it. I can't forgive myself. I don't know how to. I try but that " ACCUSER". You'd think I'd learn not to listen to the lies, that's what got me here in the first place. I mean in this mess. I listened to him tell me my wife didn't love me, she could do better, she's had better, your never gonna be the man she wants.... and I cheated on her. Well I tried to, couldn't go through with it. I just can't forgive my self for that. I hate myself for that. She is a wonderful beautiful women and it kills me I hurt her. I still have trouble with guilt and shame from the abuse because when it started... I liked it, I had no idea what was going on I was only 5-6. It makes me sick! Hopefully I can get that worked out in therapy.
I'm gonna have to work on the trust and the faith. I love God and I have been very blessed, much more than I could ever deserve. I just wish I could feel him more when I cry out to him. I feel so alone sometimes, but maybe that's why I was lead to this board, so I wouldn't be. Maybe I need to listen for the whisper instead of the shout.

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#396651 - 05/09/12 08:54 PM Re: please help! [Re: 1luckyman]
traveler Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3204
Loc: back in the USA
so glad it helped. smile

like the song says, "i'm just one old hungry beggar showing you where to find food."

lee
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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