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#395871 - 05/03/12 12:02 AM Fiance
Yellowbird Offline


Registered: 04/21/12
Posts: 27

It has been almost a month since my fiancé was sexually assaulted by a former coworker. The first assault was oral, we both thought the assailant left town only to find out that he returned 4 days later, this time with a friend. They found where he lived and needless to say what was inconceivable to happen to anyone, happened. Being a former victim of domestic abuse, sexual, verbal and physical, I can completely relate to the first emotions that are encountered. It has brought on a few triggers and has taking myself back to therapy. As for my fiancé, he has had the strength to tell me right away after both incidences happened. I let him know how much courage that took to let me know. It took me years before I faced it. I have let him know it’s not his fault. I have sent him this site as a helping tool without discussion. I have sent him rape/victim abuse hotline phone numbers without discussion. I have taken a big step back and given him his space.

His work is very stressful and has always put him in life and death situations. His work is in the top 20 of the most dangerous jobs. He has always let me know in the past what he is doing for the day and has told me when he is done. He doesn’t do that anymore. He snapped at me one day and told me that he doesn’t have to answer to where he is always at. I know that it was his way of wanting control back of his life. So I concede and let him have his way. He has also said that he is perfectly happy just going to work, working his long days and not interacting with anyone. I know this too, the withdrawal to cope. I did this when I was going through my bad experience. I keep telling him that it will get better and that he is not to blame, and of course he has that negative thinking response that I am all too familiar with.
Our last conversation was about a crew member that had died that was employed with another company and he said to me "I don’t want to make the commitment now because I don’t want you to get the phone call". That conversation was on Sunday, today is Wednesday. He is working out of town and I have not heard from him since. I have sent him 2 text messages on 2 separate days wishing that his day goes well and I hear nothing back. In the past, well, let’s just say thank goodness for unlimited text and talk for persons on the same plan.

I know first had the destruction that this does to an individual, I just want to know how I can help. And I know that I can’t help.

Just feeling hopeless and fear that I am going to lose the man that it took me so long to let my guard down with, while he fought so hard to tear down the walls that I had.
_________________________
Without faith nothing is possible, with it everything is possible. You just have to believe.

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#395959 - 05/03/12 02:03 PM Re: Fiance [Re: Yellowbird]
Anomalous Offline
Greeter Coordinator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 03/07/10
Posts: 1346
Hi Yellowbird,

I hear the pain and the concern in your voice.

You have done what you can for your fiance'- you have told him that you love and support him, you have given him information about this site, rape crisis centers and therapists.

It is now up to him to take the next step and use the information you gave him. How long that will take is up to him.

He has to get tired of hurting and he has to want to feel better before he can take any action. He has to come to the realization that as horrible as those experiences were, he can once again find joy in life, but he needs help to do it.

Your fiance might be coming to this site, silently reading, without saying anything to you or without creating an account. Some come here for months and just read. Some never create an account.

I know this is very painful for you. Painful that you know this horror first hand. Painful to watch the man you love suffer in silence, and painful that you can't take away his pain.

The only thing you can do now is take the steps you need to take care of yourself. As much as you hurt for him, you cannot let this destroy your life. You have to get healthy from this whether or not your fiance chooses to deal with this.

Hopefully he will choose to get help and grow with you, rather than apart from you. But only he can make that choice.

Your love and your patience are invaluable to him. But how long you want to be patient is only something you can decide.

Be gentle and kind to yourself. You have given him all of the information he needs.

It is now up to him to decide what to do with that information.





Anomalous
_________________________
Acceptance on someone else's terms is worse than rejection.

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#396034 - 05/04/12 01:59 AM Re: Fiance [Re: Yellowbird]
mmfan Offline


Registered: 09/25/11
Posts: 114
I can only imagine how worried you must be and how powerless you must feel to help. Its very painful watching someone we love suffer. frown As a survivor yourself, your understanding and compassion are powerful gifts that will help him, even if you can't "do" anything more for him.

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#396214 - 05/05/12 03:10 PM Re: Fiance [Re: Yellowbird]
Yellowbird Offline


Registered: 04/21/12
Posts: 27
I would like to know what I can do. I fianlly heard from him Friday night (he is working out of town again). I sent him a text as follows: "Are you Ok? Been concerned about you, since I havent heard from you this week". He did text back "Yeah, I'm fine". Can I text him that I love and care for him, I am just afraid to text or call him at all, because I feel that he has put it out there that he wants to be left alone. I know this is not healthy thinking. I just dont want to push right now. Any thoughts are welcome.
_________________________
Without faith nothing is possible, with it everything is possible. You just have to believe.

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#396235 - 05/05/12 10:00 PM Re: Fiance [Re: Yellowbird]
Sailor John Offline


Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 310
Loc: Newfoundland & Labrador
Hi Yellowbird,

As the other guys said, you have to look after yourself to be able to help your fiance. Do not beat your head over this; you've done all you can do so far.

He knows you love him and by all means tell him so on your texts that you do love him (positive reinforcement for him); he knows deep down you are there for him. You may want to look at getting information on support groups for people that have been sexually assaulted/abused if there are any near where you live.

It is vital that he knows he is not alone in this struggle he is facing. He needs a support network to help him when he needs somebody to talk to.

Personally, I have excellent family support. Just knowing it's only a phone call away if I need it is very important for me.

Have you talked to him about the possibility of laying criminal charges against these people?

The next move has to be up to him and everything has to be on his schedule. He has been traumatized twice in a very short time. This will make it even harder for him and his problems are probably even more deeper. He doesn't trust anybody right now except you. It took even more courage than he ever than he thought has to even tell you about these incidents.

Everything will start to improve when he starts to get counselling. Even if it doesn't seem like it is, he will be processing information through his mind to try and figure everything out.
_________________________
I will mourn the teenager I never was and strive to make that dot of light way out in the far reaches of the end of the tunnel turn into a bright sun.

WE ARE NOT VICTIMS. WE ARE THE SURVIVORS!!!

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#396262 - 05/06/12 08:20 AM Re: Fiance [Re: Yellowbird]
JoziSA Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/05/12
Posts: 144
Loc: Johannesburg, South Africa
Hi Yellowbird,

Text him to tell him how much you love and care for him.

Knowing my wife was always there for me was SO IMPORTANT, knowing that she was and will always be there for me made things easier for me, I did not have to worry about my relationship but could concentrate on surviving.

I only told her about my abuse as a child and my rape as an adult 15 years into our marriage, that was 10 years ago......and we are still married.

Like it or not you will both have to o thru this journey together, a journey with many twists and turns, a journey with no timetable BUT it is a journey with a destination.

I hope you both get to your destination, together, stronger and more in Love. It IS possible.
_________________________
Rees (JoziSA)
My Story and Blog www.kilimalesurvivor.wordpress.com

South African MALE SURVIVORS of Sexual Abuse
www.samsosa.org
If your mind can perceive it and your heart can believe it, YOU can achieve it.

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#397162 - 05/14/12 09:35 PM Re: Fiancé [Re: JoziSA]
Yellowbird Offline


Registered: 04/21/12
Posts: 27
Thank you all for the encouraging words. They have reinforced what I have been doing for him. I haven't heard from him since last Sunday, 8 days. Every morning I text and wish him well, or tell him I love him, I get no response back. For myself I had to take off his ring, it was becoming too painful to wear. Not knowing, and him pushing me away, is not a good feeling. I have been going to therapy for myself to deal with my past and not to confuse it with what is currently happening now. I know that this is just a moment in time and it wont last forever. I have been reading so much that I am fearful that he will let this relationship go as some ASA men do. I do keep giving my self encouragement when I do hear from him, kinda like hanging on to little signs of hope.
_________________________
Without faith nothing is possible, with it everything is possible. You just have to believe.

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#397727 - 05/19/12 12:52 AM Re: Fiancé [Re: Yellowbird]
Yellowbird Offline


Registered: 04/21/12
Posts: 27
Day 3 of protecting myself and not texting him his "i love you". I get a text three days later of me not texting and no other contact of "how are you doing?" Told him good and that my therapy going well and it had been 10 days since my last panic attack. We made small talk mostly, but he told me where he was going to be working for the month. As recently he has not let me know of his future and what town or state he is going to be in. That was a sign of hope to me, and I am going to hold on to that. I have my boundaries set. I will not be treated with avoidance. I will only be treated with human consideration, that is my standard. This is my road, alone, I am the journeyman. I will not let him treat me with avoidance no matter what the pain and the love that I feel for him. I will always respond to his messages and calls right away, even though he does not do that to me anymore. I am there for him. And at the same time, I have to take care of myself, no matter the battle that I have in my brain that he doesn't care, I know that it isn't so.
_________________________
Without faith nothing is possible, with it everything is possible. You just have to believe.

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#397783 - 05/19/12 07:30 PM Re: Fiancé [Re: Yellowbird]
mmfan Offline


Registered: 09/25/11
Posts: 114
I hear how much his shutting down is hurting you. frown I'm guessing that feeling pushed away and rejected could be pushing some old buttons for you (I'm guessing it would me, in your shoes, as I'm a female survivor myself). You are doing the right thing finding support for yourself and seeing a therapist.

For his part, his brain is probably totally overwhelmed with processing it all. It's only been a few short weeks since his trauma. If he's shutting you out, it's because he's not capable of letting you in right now. Unfortunately no one can share his burden or help him carry his pain right now. frown

What you CAN do is offer a stable, unwavering source of gentle safety, love and acceptance, so that he doesn't have to worry about his relationship and he can concentrate on himself and getting through this crisis stage. Short texts saying I love you and I'm here for you, communicate that you'll be there waiting when he's ready.

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#398141 - 05/23/12 12:14 AM Re: Fiancé [Re: Yellowbird]
Yellowbird Offline


Registered: 04/21/12
Posts: 27
During my therapy I have now been over 2 weeks without panic attacks. I found that my attacks were caused by fear of abandonment that was instilled in me from my previous ex-husband that was my abuser. Prior to my fiance attack is when I started to have these mixed up feelings. We have had a long distance relationship for so long (going on four years now) that I was starting to feel that we would never come together. Hence the whirlwind of bad thoughts came streaming in, that there is no way that he wants this to happen. The primary reasons that it wasn't happening is that I have had my son through drug and alcohol treatment centers, residential and outpatient for two years now. The other is that my fiance has had his house for sale for two years now and no nibbles. My son has been released from the court system and I have kicked him out, he has reverted back to his old ways and I cannot help him anymore because I know that he doesn't want the help.

And yes, the shutting down and the assault he encountered has pushed a lot of buttons for me, all while I am still dealing with my son. I know where he is at I was there too. The confusion, the feelings of low self worth. I am guilty, I shut everyone out around me too. I still reason with myself though, my bad brain tells me that I deserve to be shut out because I did it to others and now I am getting it back 10 fold. The other part of my brain the healthy part is saying, its not about you, you were through this, you know how much confusion there is and how less of a person you feel like and don't know what to do about it. It like you have lost yourself and blame yourself for letting that person who did it to you take it away.

Anyway sorry for thinking out loud. My intentions are not to cause triggers in anyone. Just wanted to express how I felt coming from survivor to a supporter. I really did not think that it was possible to be a survivor and then join the ranks of supporter of an assault. I am trying my best. At this point I am trying my best for myself and not him. I love him, but I love me too and have to get me back first.

I actually did not hear from him for a good 7 days and he shared with me the work he had been doing. After that I let it rest. Four days later he ask in a text out of the blue " so what do you want to do about us?" "are you OK with the way things are?" I simply responded, "No I am not OK with the way things are. But I an always going to be here for you and I am always going to love you. And I cant force you if you don't feel the same right now. A lot has happened and I am just giving you the time that you want. And I know that you are busy with work. I have come to terms with what is happening, and I am OK with it. Because I have been understanding more everyday. I have chosen not to worry about us. Just want you to know that I am always there."

So I did not get a response back, but what I got was him inquiring what I have been up too. He hasn't asked for a good month. So I filled him in. This is my little sign of hope and faith. I know its still a long road. I am willing, my commitment to him was made when I said yes to his proposal. And I'm forever sticking to it.
_________________________
Without faith nothing is possible, with it everything is possible. You just have to believe.

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#398142 - 05/23/12 12:16 AM Re: Fiancé [Re: Yellowbird]
Yellowbird Offline


Registered: 04/21/12
Posts: 27
Thank you mmfan for the encouraging words. Reading some of your previous post, you are a strong woman!!! Stay strong and know you faith will guide you.
_________________________
Without faith nothing is possible, with it everything is possible. You just have to believe.

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#398143 - 05/23/12 12:17 AM Re: Fiancé [Re: Yellowbird]
Yellowbird Offline


Registered: 04/21/12
Posts: 27
Thank you mmfan for the encouraging words. Reading some of your previous post, you are a strong woman!!! Stay strong and know you faith will guide you.
_________________________
Without faith nothing is possible, with it everything is possible. You just have to believe.

Top
#398209 - 05/23/12 05:35 PM Re: Fiancé [Re: Yellowbird]
mmfan Offline


Registered: 09/25/11
Posts: 114
Thanks Yellowbird. You are incredibly strong also -I just read your last post about all you have been through, such as with your son, and your ex husband and not to mention the fact you are a survivor too -that is a VERY full plate. It's hard work being both a survivor and a supporter of a survivor! Sometimes its like being lost in a storm at sea, without solid ground or anchor!

I can totally relate to the abandonment feelings as I deal with similar issues, and when my survivor shuts me out when he's struggling, I have a hard time de-personalizing it, it activates my old fears of being rejected and abandoned. frown

It's extremely difficult to let go and trust that love will prevail, but I really do believe based on what you've said that this is a temporary dark period and that you will find your way back to each other.
What you said in your text about not being ok with the situation but that you will always love him and be there for him, I had to smile at -because it's both emotionally honest, and so loving - that unconditional support will help guide him back to his safe harbor.

And yes his response inquiring about you, sounds very hopeful to me.
Keep fighting the good fight Yellowbird, everything will be ok in the end.

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#398303 - 05/24/12 12:24 PM Re: Fiance [Re: Yellowbird]
Sailor John Offline


Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 310
Loc: Newfoundland & Labrador
Hi Yellowbird,

Right now, as you know, your fiance is trying to process what happened to him. This will in all probability take some time, especially since the 2 events are so close together.

If he hasn't started counselling, the quicker he starts the better, Maybe a friendly nudge about counselling will help him.

You are doing everything you can in the circumstances - telling him you are going to be there for him whenever he needs you. He definately trusts you 110% or he would never have told you.

Your setting boundaries for yourself is also a good idea. You have to take care of yourself before you can help him, whether that is just going for a coffee or a walk.


Edited by Sailor John (05/24/12 12:27 PM)
Edit Reason: moving a comment to another paragraph
_________________________
I will mourn the teenager I never was and strive to make that dot of light way out in the far reaches of the end of the tunnel turn into a bright sun.

WE ARE NOT VICTIMS. WE ARE THE SURVIVORS!!!

Top
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