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#395667 - 05/01/12 12:05 AM Should I Tell My Mother?
jls Offline


Registered: 03/06/09
Posts: 1142
I ask because I think she knows something's wrong. I go thru periods of not returning e-mails or phone calls when I'm having a hard time dealing with the abuse and she gets worried, asking me what's the matter, etc, etc but I won't tell her, in large part because of her reaction many years ago in my early adulthood when I tried to disclose the csa to her. Her response then was that she couldn't hear about it due to difficult stuff going on in her life at the time but ever since then I've kept the abuse to myself. I admit that I am still angry about this, and even more angry when she bugs me to tell her what's wrong now. Can't she do the math and figure it out for herself? In many ways I just wish to be left alone already but if she keeps calling and insisting to know what's going on I may just blurt it out and hang up. I know this sounds immature but I don't feel I owe her anything more than this.
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Love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world.


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#395678 - 05/01/12 04:33 AM Re: Should I Tell My Mother? [Re: jls]
Human Offline


Registered: 03/14/12
Posts: 62
Loc: private
I don't know the finer details, but she is family and sounds like she does care. You only have one mom and perhaps giving her a break and telling her yourself, well seems better than her digging it out of you. Telling her would allow some healing to begin. Transparency, best way to communicate aye?

I tried to tell my mother when I was 8 and the first abuse occured, she wasn't in a good head space at the time and yea, it pisses me off big time, but since telling my mom again and then again as an adult (long strange story about having to tell her TWICE in my adult years!)it has changed our relationship and she's is still in shock & denial but it's been the right thing to do for me. We are much closer, dealing with it and I'm hoping she can forgive herself for making some very stupid mistakes. That'll be interesting and a good thing.

I'm 49 now and just found ms.org(Thank You MS!) I barely have seen a therapist so I am learning a lot here at a fast rate of speed but all of it is helping me and my family. Try not to blurt it out and hang up, she'll only call and call and btw I think you'd be doing this mostly for yourself. Be brave and read your own signature line jls...I like it a LOT and that is not B.S.

Also, if you need some on the spot pre telling and post telling advice & support don't be shy and come hash it out in chat. My gut tells me during chat rush hour there will be many experienced guys there capable of giving primo adivcie and support. Just don't become addicted to chat like some of us (open 24/7). *looks over shoulder in the mirror* So many questions and so many opinions and answers in chat smile and if you have trouble sleeping we even have a hypnotizer emoticon.

Be brave jls...

Kurt

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#395680 - 05/01/12 05:04 AM Re: Should I Tell My Mother? [Re: jls]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Originally Posted By: jls
I ask because I think she knows something's wrong. I go thru periods of not returning e-mails or phone calls when I'm having a hard time dealing with the abuse and she gets worried, asking me what's the matter, etc, etc but I won't tell her, in large part because of her reaction many years ago in my early adulthood when I tried to disclose the csa to her. Her response then was that she couldn't hear about it due to difficult stuff going on in her life at the time but ever since then I've kept the abuse to myself. I admit that I am still angry about this, and even more angry when she bugs me to tell her what's wrong now. Can't she do the math and figure it out for herself? In many ways I just wish to be left alone already but if she keeps calling and insisting to know what's going on I may just blurt it out and hang up. I know this sounds immature but I don't feel I owe her anything more than this.


Tell her. Maybe she couldn't talk about it before. None of my family believed me. Trust me, you want family that cares (or not in my case) to know. If you can't tell her, can you tell anyone? I wish I had a mom that believed me and cared about the csa. She just doesn't. I think because she believes she failed. Staying with my sperm donor, abusive prick, was a failure. Of course, in her mind, she takes absolutely no responsibility then told me God (she's religious as hell) told her to apologize for staying with him henceforth terrorizing me and my brother. Did she apologize? Nope. Still trying to figure out why she didn't. Maybe she wanted me to forgive her without her asking. Fat chance. She may hate my sperm donor but became him in many respects. You have a mom that cares, JLS, and she's trying to help unlike my mom who didn't give a shit and just tries to soothe her conscience just like my sperm donor tried to buy me off after abuse. I wonder if deep down my mom hated me being born. Shitty to say but she chose my sperm donor over protecting me from his evil. Talk to you mom. Tell her, this may take a few minutes, I need to know you have the time to talk about it. Make it on your terms. Maybe she'll apologize for not listening long ago. Keep in mind this is a horrible thing for a mother to learn.
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A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

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#395698 - 05/01/12 09:33 AM Re: Should I Tell My Mother? [Re: jls]
Valkyrie Offline


Registered: 04/27/12
Posts: 167
My husband recently told his parents of the abuse he suffered at the hands of an older male cousin who used to babysit him as a child. Needless to say, they were devastated. Not only that their child was abused but also because at the time, they had been trying to reach out and help the cousin who abused their son.

These are middle class blue collar people who are not comfortable speaking about these things. It took months, but they went into therapy for themselves to deal with this and feel better for it.

Things have been strange between my husband and his parents for a few months now. His parents are concerned, they want to help however they can, but my husband feels as though he has ruined their lives.

His parents however, are glad they know so that I don't have to go through this alone. I cannot imagine any parent wanting to live a life not knowing about what has happened to their child, no matter how awful the details.

Tell her and encourage her to seek help after. You need the support and cannot hope she will just figure it out on her own.

Good luck. Be well.

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#395748 - 05/01/12 07:38 PM Re: Should I Tell My Mother? [Re: jls]
eyesforward Offline


Registered: 03/13/11
Posts: 92
Loc: Ontario
jls
My bottom line: your need to be safe and healthy overrides her desire to express her motherhood.

Some questions for you:

What's your sense of her likely reaction at this stage in her life and in your life?

How could you "test" her receptivity and ability to deal with what you have to say?

If she reacts poorly (dismisses your pain, gets overwhelmed, etc.), how will that affect you? What support do you have?

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#395761 - 05/01/12 10:41 PM Re: Should I Tell My Mother? [Re: jls]
Shado Offline


Registered: 04/16/12
Posts: 6

I think you must tell your mother IF you feel it is important you tell her, regardless of how she acts.

Ultimately, if she knows 'something is wrong' or whatever, so what?

It's your life, and you are under no obligation to share a damn thing you don't want to.

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#395768 - 05/01/12 11:52 PM Re: Should I Tell My Mother? [Re: eyesforward]
jls Offline


Registered: 03/06/09
Posts: 1142
Those are good questions. I don't know what her likely reaction will be. I wonder if she will blame herself since she was partly to do with it, not being there when I needed protection I mean. Perhaps she will react with guilt, which I don't want, but as I am learning in therapy I can't be responsible for other people's feelings. The reaction I would have to it totally depends on her reaction. If the reaction is supportive it would mean a great deal to me but anything less would be devastating. I don't know how to test her response and I'm not sure if I want to go there. I'm sick of playing games to do with dealing with the abuse, as in any way that is not direct. I've been doing this within myself my entire adult life and its not helpful for me. If I did tell her and she reacted negatively I think it would put our entire relationship on hold for the foreseeable future. I'm at a place in my recovery that while I don't advertise that I was sexually abused I do expect the people who are aware to accept and support me without question or to get out of my life. I know this sounds harsh but its not something I can only be half right or half wrong about. Thankfully I haven't received a negative reaction yet but given my paranoia unfortunately I'm waiting for one.



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#395836 - 05/02/12 01:58 PM Re: Should I Tell My Mother? [Re: jls]
Anomalous Offline
Greeter Coordinator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 03/07/10
Posts: 1344
Hi JLS,

If you decide to tell your mother, one of the ways in which you can do this is to invite her to one of your therapy sessions.

Of course, you and your therapist will have worked on telling her before your mother comes to a session, unexpectedly.

T can help manage the emotions from both of you. And your mother might be more receptive to hearing that she should have her own therapist to deal with this.

Telling your mother in this manner, if you decide to tell her at all, "evens the playing field," for lack of a better expression. Your mother will be less apt to say you are making things up, or if she does, T is there to keep her focused on what you said, and not let her wallow in her stuff.

If you tell your mother in a setting that is just with you and her, the situation might go from you telling her about your expereinces and her turning it into her being the victim, you not being heard, and you being hurt by something your mother says.

Just a thought.





Anomalous
_________________________
Acceptance on someone else's terms is worse than rejection.

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#396103 - 05/04/12 08:47 PM Re: Should I Tell My Mother? [Re: jls]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
My suggestion:

If Mom asks again what is wrong, you might respond with something like, "Mom, I tried to talk to you about what's troubling me a long time ago, but you shut me down. I would like to talk with you, if you sincerely want to. However, I need your undivided attention. Are you in a place to give me that?"

Your recovery seems to be protracted(?), so perhaps allowing your Mom to know your story will help you?

Just a thought... God bless you in this!

herowannabe
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For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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#396239 - 05/05/12 10:34 PM Re: Should I Tell My Mother? [Re: jls]
Sailor John Offline


Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 307
Loc: Newfoundland & Labrador
Hi JLS,

Because my sperm provider was one of those who abused at least 3 of us (me and at least one of my sisters by priests and that thing called a father in our church), I feel that she at the very least suspected and probably knew.

I couldn't go to her and refused to go to anybody else or get treatment for over 40 years. She would have had to get a welfare appartment and live off "the public" purse. Shame at marrying a pervert, shame for living off welfare, fear that us kids would be bullied, etc.

When I looked at the way things were back then (even the cops wouldn't arrest church workers); she wouldn't be believed because the church was involved. It was this reason that made me forgive my Mom was that I think she probably had good intentions. I know now that she made a really bad decision for us kids but I understand why she did it.

Just my story and how I handled it. And yes, I'm comfortable with my decision.
_________________________
I will mourn the teenager I never was and strive to make that dot of light way out in the far reaches of the end of the tunnel turn into a bright sun.

WE ARE NOT VICTIMS. WE ARE THE SURVIVORS!!!

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#396609 - 05/09/12 01:33 PM Re: Should I Tell My Mother? [Re: jls]
sherefe Offline


Registered: 03/30/12
Posts: 24
I am a mother whose son told me a year ago about the abuse he had experienced. I think you need to consider the questions that have been posed--especially how you will react if your mother doesn't take it well. (I think people sometimes try to disassociate from such shocking news and it takes time for the real reaction.) I didn't react much at first. I was too stunned. Eventually, my son and I started having conversations about what had happened and how he felt. My biggest concern since then has been "What can I do to help him heal?" Your mom sounds as if she might feel the same way. And I think it's important to tell her since you are obviously thinking about it. Keeping it inside may just add to your stress.

Good luck!

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#396627 - 05/09/12 04:07 PM Re: Should I Tell My Mother? [Re: jls]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6401
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
For me, familial disclosure did nothing good for anyone. ALL it did was destroy and damage. All THAT was a function of the nature of my family dynamics and the individuals they are.

You know your people. If being loving and supportive are of their nature, then disclose.
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