Hello all

I have awakened to this new day with an awareness of a monster that has been with me as long as I can remember. I thought it was God.

Shame.

I was ready to board a plane last night to Seattle for work. I have been reeling for the past few weeks, breaking off a sick relationship, and working to get healthy. Groups, etc. And my support system is getting stronger here at home. When I travel and stay alone in hotel rooms, I have a terribly difficult time. Alone, and in pain. I hate it. So I decided literally at the last moment not to go. I said no. The ticket lady even tried to shame me about it. Ruined her night. HA

I knew I could handle the business over the phone, and I chose not to go. I called friends to tell them, and felt foolish for asking. I am 45, don't I get to choose for myself? This may be the first time I have made a decision like this one. I took care of myself. I stayed home, and I woke up to this day with the reward. I have clearer vision of what life has been like, and all that I have missed because of shame and its FALSE messages about who I am, and what I am capable of doing.

Jesus. Even alone in my thoughts, shame is always lurking, like my brother, like my father. Every time I cry or feel the pain of lonliness and confusion, I feel like I am doing something wrong, and there is an absence of cleansing. An absence of connection. Shame held me prisoner for so damn long. Separate from my daughter, from my family, from friends. From the world.

I feel like I am crawling out of a pit here. A pit of despair, with shame lined walls. No good, and never will be. While my dreams die. Wow.

Ok, so I have it. How in the f*** do I get rid of it?

Shame in every cell, and I want it out! It is a liar, and I want the truth.

Shame lined walls of my thoughts and feelings. A gift from the abuse. I think I will have a ceremony and hand it back to those who gave it to me. Those who did not appreciate or value me.

Whew. I am ashamed of how long this post is. NOT!

Ken

Shame is such a riculous reation to what we have gone through. But I think most, or all of us go through it. Even if we were molested by a 45 year old professional wrestler when we were three years old, our minds tell us that we "shoyuld have fought him off!" What a crock.
Then there is the whole thing of admitting that our bodies were used, at least some of us, for a male to use our rectum as though it were a vagina. More shame, feeling that "normal" people are repulsed by the very thought.
It seems that all we can do is to tell ourselves that it takes a terrifically courageous man to confront the fact we were innocent victims, and have had the guts to start coming out of it.
I read somewhere, or was told it is therapy, that if we imagine what happened to us happening to the kid next door, and how we would raise hell until it stopped, then we will realise what a horrible thing was done to us. We will also realise that the kid, and we, could not have prevented it.
What I keep pounding myself for is not telling anyone. But, I had been led to believe that something a lot worse than rape would happen if I told anyone. It was enough to keep me silent. But not any longer.

Shame is such a riculous reation to what we have gone through. But I think most, or all of us go through it. Even if we were molested by a 45 year old professional wrestler when we were three years old, our minds tell us that we "shoyuld have fought him off!" What a crock.
Then there is the whole thing of admitting that our bodies were used, at least some of us, for a male to use our rectum as though it were a vagina. More shame, feeling that "normal" people are repulsed by the very thought.
It seems that all we can do is to tell ourselves that it takes a terrifically courageous man to confront the fact we were innocent victims, and have had the guts to start coming out of it.
I read somewhere, or was told it is therapy, that if we imagine what happened to us happening to the kid next door, and how we would raise hell until it stopped, then we will realise what a horrible thing was done to us. We will also realise that the kid, and we, could not have prevented it.
What I keep pounding myself for is not telling anyone. But, I had been led to believe that something a lot worse than rape would happen if I told anyone. It was enough to keep me silent. But not any longer.

Ken
being alone and lonely - two different things - were my nightmare. Given these circumstances I would retreat into fantasy, disassociation and eventually acting out.
Like you, during recovery I made myself avoid these situations. Whenever possible I worked with someone else, I carried a cell phone and talked to my wife. Simple measures, but they broke the spell for me, along with therapy etc.

Now I can be alone again, it's hard but possible. Even when boredom strikes I dont fall back into fantasy or acting out any more.

I know it's there still, it nibbles away at my defence, and I can't really figure out if it's the start of the old problems or just me being aware that a few years ago I would have been carried along by my uncontrollable urges.

Whatever it is, it's better than what I went through. And recognising our vulnerable times, like you have, makes all the difference.

Lloydy

Congratulations to you on taking care of yourself...don't ask, don't tell why...

Shame is the greased pig, the changling of our recovery, if you ask me. It hides when you look for it, anesthetizes you when you confront it, is a raging animal when you are weak, and knows the nooks and crannies of our psyche better than we do.

It is trained by the guerilla warfare of abuse; we must hunt and kill shame mercilessly.

Shame is such a part of our lives that, even as I write this, I have to force myself to use such harsh language. Shame has been my companion so long I don't want to hurt it. Did you read that? I DON'T WANT TO HURT IT...how incredible is that?

Shame is my sworn enemy, the time release weapon my abuser left for me.

Again, congratulations on a battle won with a very crafty opponent.

Ken,
Shame is the biggest enemy, slow it down but it is really there all of the time...put it away and it's still there waiting to be recalled by a trigger...hang tough and just shake it off ...sometimes it takes some crying and time but it calms down with time!!! The Pdocs say that it never really leaves completly but mostly, in most people????....I asked my therapist minutes ago and that's what he said???

Eddie