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#395420 - 04/29/12 05:25 AM Hi
lynnemarie Offline


Registered: 04/29/12
Posts: 22
Hi
I'm a female partner of a CSA victim/survivour? I can't say for sure which as he is in denial mode at the moment. I have recently ended things as it was getting impossible and I was hurting him. We had been together for 18 Mths. He told me of his abuse a year ago, all in one session in detail(by text) and then has never mentioned it again. I understand that it must have been extremely hard for him to tell me what happened. He told me that it has made him the way he is. Our relationship has been very difficult. He has very low self esteem and major trust issues. I have tried to be understanding but my patience has been wearing thin. He won't talk to me about anything, what he wants, how he feels and I want him to so badly.I'm supposed to understand and accept his behaviour because of the things that have happened to him, but I can't if he won't talk. It has all been getting to much for me and I feel I'm to emotional unstable to be any good to him. But I've hurt him and don't want to. I don't understand what is going on for him.
I'm sorry, not sure why I'm here, just want a better understanding.


Edited by lynnemarie (04/29/12 06:39 AM)
Edit Reason: Not enough detail

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#395425 - 04/29/12 07:37 AM Re: Hi [Re: lynnemarie]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6365
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
Hi Lynnemarie,

You are clearly in pain from that bus that just ran you over. Quite understandable. And BTW...no one prepared you for this sort of thing, so please don't beat yourself up too badly over what's happened to date.

I'm impressed that you want to help him. Its not anything near a cake-walk to deal with survivors in crisis, but if you truly do care about him and his well-being, you'll want to learn much, find ample Q&A information and stand-by him.

As I see it, you are not married to him, and thus have no commitment to stick it out. But any support for him and of him is fully admirable. You can also be a supporter with or without a serious relationship.

________________

First, he is likely communicating the very best he can. Texting you was the best he could muster.
Quote:
He won't talk to me about anything, what he wants, how he feels and I want him to so badly.
Remember the Man are from Mars and Women are from Venus dynamic. Men are rarely the talkers you want us to be. Talking about CSA is even less likely to happen. Its nothing short of astounding that he told you the way he did. He does trust you. He just had to tell you using that particular texting method. And yes, you want him to talk more about it, but consider it his own holocaust. And holocaust survivors talk about 'it' with great difficulty and horrid pain.

There is so much to all of this to learn. But you have to realize that you cannot drag him out into the 'talking circle.'

At this point, I would assess whether or not you want to do this, and if you do, take things slowly and at his pace. If you do take this on, realize that you are both dealing with a box-full of active and sleeping rattlesnakes.

I would suggest you do plenty of reading here, web-articles and certainly take a good look in our bookstore. Find one book that speaks to you and read it before you make any final, commitment decision. LINK Here
_________________________
Jesus Loves The Hell Outta Me!

Still's Globs

New Video

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#395433 - 04/29/12 08:53 AM Re: Hi [Re: Still]
lynnemarie Offline


Registered: 04/29/12
Posts: 22
Hi Rob
Thanks so much for your reply. I have been coming to this site for about 3 months now to try and gain abit more understanding. I did join another forum but it was all getting a bit to negative ( I understand people mostly post on forums when they are in pain) people telling me he would cheat on me sooner or later etc. I have read some but there isn't much about abuse against males (I'm in the UK) and absolutely nothing about female abusers. After he first told me, he did open up abit more, telling me of his fantasies, but something happened and he stopped, I don't know what it was. He has no confidence and believes no one loves or cares about him. He has always used texting as his way of expressing himself, he can't seem to do it face to face, kind of makes sense.
I know he is having issues with someone who is texting him abuse but won't give me anymore detail and has been withdrawing from me for a couple of months now.
I understand that anymore talk of what happened has to come from him I don't ask anything unless he says something. But the not talking about other things that are upsetting him is what I have been struggling to understand. He wants something from me but have absolutely no idea what it is, it's all guess work. It's brought me to this point now.
No we are not married, he told me pretty early on in our relationship what happened, I knew it wouldn't be easy but was probably still deluding myself to how difficult things could be.

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#395475 - 04/29/12 01:05 PM Re: Hi [Re: lynnemarie]
mmfan Offline


Registered: 09/25/11
Posts: 114
It sounds like a very hard situation for you both. frown The trust issues, lack of communication, withdrawing all sound very familiar, and painful.

A male survivor brings special gifts to a relationship and can be an amazing partner when on the active path to healing. But functioning in any type of intimate relationship as a survivor is an advanced skill, it's like skiing the black diamond run, there's lots of tumbling down the bunny slopes that happens first.

As much as you want to help, he has to be able to let it in. Unfortunately his readiness has its own timeline that is impossible to control, even for the survivor himself.

It sounds like you've needed to detach for your own health and sanity, and taking care of yourself is absolutely the right thing to do. You can continue to care and support him from a safe distance that reduces the conflict and harm to each other. It sounds like a loving and healthy way forward to me.

Its similar to the situation my survivor and I are in. We care for each other deeply but we couldn't be in a romantic relationship. As friends he feels safer opening up and it brings up less of his female abuser stuff. And I feel saner and better able to "let go."

Love has many forms and is a powerful healing force, whether or not you are "together" in that sense.

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#395479 - 04/29/12 01:38 PM Re: Hi [Re: lynnemarie]
Anomalous Offline
Greeter Coordinator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 03/07/10
Posts: 1341
Hi Lynnemarie,

Welcome to MS.

Some of what I am going to say is going to be a repeat of what Rob has said.

I know you desperately want to help your partner. No one wants to see a person they love in pain.

However, you cannot make him talk about that which is so very painful to him. It is rude and disrespectful to want the details of what happened to him. He has to be free to share, or withhold, anything he chooses. Demanding details of what happened is tantamount to being a voyeur to many survivors.

Your partner told you he was abused. Regardless of how he told you, it was a HUGE expression of trust that he did tell you. Trust does no come easy, if at all. Consider his telling you a gift - he has trusted you with the most painful part of his existence. He has trusted you with with something he has probably never told anohter human being.

The best way for you to help him is to help yourself. Whether or not you get back together, I suggest you find a therapist trained in trauma and/or sexual abuse. You do not want a therapist who does couples counseling. You need to heal from your partners' abusive past and his behavior as much as he needs to heal from his abusive past. It would also be advisable to read some of the books that are written for the partners of sexually abused males. I am certain that those who post in this forum will be more than happy to share the titles of the books they found helpful. You can find the link to the bookstore on the homepage here.

Ideally, your partner should also have a therapist trained in trauma and/ or sexual abuse - but not *your* therapist.

You may want to leave the name and web address of this site on a piece of paper for your beloved. Do not ask him if he has visited the site or if he has created an account, to do so is a violation of his privacy. Sometimes it takes people a long time before they join the site. Some will read without ever joining, and some find what is here to be too triggering. If he tells you he has joined, congratulate him for taking a very big step. Do NOT as him for his screen name.

Sexual abuse incorporated a plethora of violations, and one of the things repeatedly violated were boundaries. The abuser took what was wanted, either by force, manipulation, emotional abuse, etc. The survivor had no control over any of this, nor did he have control over his own body. Having control of body and mind ripped from one is not only terrifying, it sends the message that control of the body can be taken at any time. The cries and screams of "no" meant nothing. The boundaries were violated to the point where one might feel they don't have the right to have boundaries. Others feel "what's the point? They are only going to be ignored and violated anyway."

Sexual abuse affects all aspects of a person's life. It damages self esteem, creates depression, anxiety, PTSD and many other emotional problems. Many who have been sexually abused try to numb the pain anyway they can. Some will use alcohol or other substances, some have food issues, others will exercise or work endless hours, others turn to pornography, compulsive masturbation, and other forms of sex (ie: affairs or prostitutes). We all develop coping mechanisms, though not all of them are healhty.

There is a lot you can learn about sexual abuse and the trauma it creates. This site is a good place to start, as are the many books.

Ask questions. Questions that are phrased for educational/ information gathering rather than those that seem voyeuristic will receive many positive replies.

I hope you can encourage this very strong and brave man to seek the help he so richly deserves.






Anomalous
_________________________
Acceptance on someone else's terms is worse than rejection.

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#395484 - 04/29/12 02:07 PM Re: Hi [Re: mmfan]
lynnemarie Offline


Registered: 04/29/12
Posts: 22
Thank you very much mmfan, it reassures me that I am doing the right thing for both of us at the moment. I hope I can support him from a distant. He is a beautiful person and will always have a place in my heart.

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#395486 - 04/29/12 02:25 PM Re: Hi [Re: Anomalous]
lynnemarie Offline


Registered: 04/29/12
Posts: 22
Hi Anomalous
I have never asked for details of what happened to him, he gave that up freely and I do consider it a special gift that he trusted me enough and felt safe enough to do so. He has always done so by text because maybe that is a safe enviroment for him. Most of our relationship is done by text.
I know he has read some things and visited forums but I'm not sure which. Another twist in our tale is that he keeps me secret from his friends and family, he keeps me secret from his life it makes things more difficult as far as communicating is concerned and my own mental well being.
I know at the moment he won't consider help, it happened so long ago, i think he has the feeling he should be over it by now but he is not.

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#395492 - 04/29/12 04:49 PM Re: Hi [Re: lynnemarie]
Sailor John Offline


Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 307
Loc: Newfoundland & Labrador
Hi lynnemarie,

I completely understand your friend using text message; the only way I could tell some of my family by using E-mail. Because he trusted you enough to tell you by text message, maybe you could try corresponding with him by text messages regarding the abuse. That way, he doesn't have to fear your reaction.

Right now, his mind is a turmoil of many different things. He's probably afraid of what you think of him, shame,fear, embarrassment and many other feelings.

As is often mentioned many times, you have to look after yourself before you can look after him - eat properly, exercise even if just going for a walk in the evening, "all by myself" time, time for friend, etc. Finally, he is in for a bumpier ride than you could ever imagine. Before you decide one way or the other, it may be a good idea to talk to a counsellor about this. Good luck.

John
_________________________
I will mourn the teenager I never was and strive to make that dot of light way out in the far reaches of the end of the tunnel turn into a bright sun.

WE ARE NOT VICTIMS. WE ARE THE SURVIVORS!!!

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#395780 - 05/02/12 02:03 AM Re: Hi [Re: Sailor John]
lynnemarie Offline


Registered: 04/29/12
Posts: 22
Hi John
I understand his use of text and why he would communicate in that way, it's easier and safer and he can end the conversation when things get to much. I tried to talk to him about what happened but it got to much for him and he said he regretted telling me. I haven't tried since. That was about 9/10 months ago.
Every once in a while he will say things or text me jokes and there is a very subtle hidden message in there and I've got to be honest 99 times out of 100 i miss it. It's all a learning curve, probably just as much for him also. The last month or so he hasn't even been doing that so I know something is eating away at him.
I know it will get much worse before it gets better if it gets better at all.

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#396102 - 05/04/12 08:34 PM Re: Hi [Re: lynnemarie]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
Quote:
Most of our relationship is done by text.
I know he has read some things and visited forums but I'm not sure which. Another twist in our tale is that he keeps me secret from his friends and family, he keeps me secret from his life it makes things more difficult as far as communicating is concerned and my own mental well being.


Hi Lynnemarie (pretty name!)-

Are you saying that you have been in an 18-month relationship with a man who prefers to text over face-to-face communication with you? I completely understand being more comfortable typing/writing out things that are difficult to say, like former abuse, but you said most of your relationship is done by text? Also, you are kept hidden from his life???

Am I misunderstanding the situation???

Blessings-
herowannabe
_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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#396177 - 05/05/12 05:20 AM Re: Hi [Re: herowannabe]
lynnemarie Offline


Registered: 04/29/12
Posts: 22
Hi herowannabe thank you

No you are not misunderstanding the situation unfortunately.
We have got into the habit and can't seem to break it, we say everything by text even argue by text. At first it made sense, we couldn't speak to each other because both of us worked ( I work days, he worked nights) It was our way of keeping in touch with each other as the other was in work, but it's all got out of hand. Face to face we talk about trivial things, weather, tv, etc. Sometimes he will make a comment that I'm not sure how to take and when he gets no response he'll change the subject.
Ask for keeping me secret, I don't know why!! It drives me mad and it is what we argue about the most. We both have children and he says he doesn't want to confuse or upset them, but it's not just that.
He appears completely frightened of commitment, we take a tiny step closer to being a couple and then he bolts and I don't know what to do. A few times we have been close and then he tells me he is moving to another part of the country!
It's all a very unfortunate situation, I accept my own part in it that I have allowed it to continue the way it has done.

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#396315 - 05/06/12 04:39 PM Re: Hi [Re: lynnemarie]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
Hmmmm....

Well, I don't know how you both could verbally discuss significant things like his abuse when you have only verbally discussed insignificant things. It sounds like you have more intimate, deeper, meaningful communication with ME, a complete stranger, than you do with him!

Something tells me you already know what the score is. I think you already know that you two don't have a relationship. I suspect your frustration comes more from being treated with the same regard as a magazine in a doctor's waiting room than from his failure to discuss his past abuse.

I also think you are a beautiful soul, and that someone is out there looking for you. That someone will not only talk with you, but he will be so happy to have your presence in his life. That guy won't hide you, but will be grateful for every memory you both make together, face-to-face. But he can't find you if you are available to him.

Move on! Go find your soul mate!!!

I send you early congratulations on your new relationship, which will begin as soon as you're ready!

herowannabe
_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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#396482 - 05/08/12 01:46 AM Re: Hi [Re: herowannabe]
lynnemarie Offline


Registered: 04/29/12
Posts: 22
I've had to read this several times before I could come back to it and reply. I know you are right and my frustration does stem from the fact that I have spent the last 8 months believing in something that was not there.
I know the best thing to do is to move on, but I don't want to hurt him and comfirm his belief that every one walks away from him because he is no good. He is a good man deep down but he can't give me the things that I want at this time.
That is how I have ended things, told him I love and care for him but it is not the right time for us.
Thanks Herowannabe, although I know in my heart what to do, sometimes you need to see it in black and white.

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#396500 - 05/08/12 10:15 AM Re: Hi [Re: lynnemarie]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6365
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
Originally Posted By: lynnemarie
He wants something from me but have absolutely no idea what it is...


Just taking a wild-shot here...but based upon MY stuff, I would say this:

He wants you there. You are his anchor to windward and a potential reason to face-this and find healing.

Where he has to find healing is a scary and pain-filled place. Facing your own demons can be flat-awful. Doing it alone IS flat-out horror.
_________________________
Jesus Loves The Hell Outta Me!

Still's Globs

New Video

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#396514 - 05/08/12 01:25 PM Re: Hi [Re: lynnemarie]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
(((lynnemarie)))
_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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#396800 - 05/11/12 01:50 AM Re: Hi [Re: Still]
lynnemarie Offline


Registered: 04/29/12
Posts: 22
Hi Rob

Yes he does want me there, he is scared to get close, but is also scared to lose me. I want to be there for him as long as he needs me to be but I have no idea what to do. I know that I can't do it from within a relationship at the moment, it is doing more damage than good.
I feel like I am crazy for wanting to support this man, we are not married, have no children together, no reason for me to stick around. He has hurt me, made me question myself and made my head ache trying to figure out his moods, but I believe in him, and that he wants to be better.

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#396801 - 05/11/12 01:51 AM Re: Hi [Re: herowannabe]
lynnemarie Offline


Registered: 04/29/12
Posts: 22
Thanks herowannabe, very much needed smile

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#396832 - 05/11/12 06:01 PM Re: Hi [Re: lynnemarie]
Sailor John Offline


Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 307
Loc: Newfoundland & Labrador
Hi lynnemarie

"I want to be there for him as long as he needs me to be but I have no idea what to do."

Your telling him that you love and will be there for him is a big boost for him, (even when he hides his true feelings) but you must reinforce it every chance you get. Just being there for him when he wants to talk or as a shoulder to cry on is a big relief for him. He will definately need support and preferably several trusted people to just listen him and help however he wants you to when the going gets bad. The bad WILL GET GOOD again. It's just a detour in the road.

Unfortunatly, as several others have said, all his fears and emotions have their own time-line and nobody or no thing can change that, not even him.

You have to make sure that you look after yourself. If you don't, there will be 2 victims; you and him and then neither of you will be able to help either him or your self. Make sure you take time to look after yourself even if it's just to go for a walk or a coffee with the "girls."

I was diagnosed with depression a while after I had to get my dog put to sleep. My doctor said that my dog meant more to me than I knew. He was there to greet me after work, sit with me and I could talk to him with no fear of him talking or yelling back at me or humilating me, he just listened to whatever I had to say to him.

If you may want to consider a dog, you both must think EVERYTHING through including your ability to look after him, train him, take him for at least one hour or 2x30 minute walks every day of the year, the cost of food, vet bills and all the other stuff, including how your boyfriend feels about all this. If it comes out good, it will probably help your boyfriend and yourself a world of good with his antics and tricks and give you something to chat about. As well, you can both have something living to talk to all by yourself.

Good luck with everything and remember what you are going through will be a long and bumpy road. Perhaps even more important, all detours will lead back to the main road but definately not as fast as we would hope.Again Good luck on your journey.
_________________________
I will mourn the teenager I never was and strive to make that dot of light way out in the far reaches of the end of the tunnel turn into a bright sun.

WE ARE NOT VICTIMS. WE ARE THE SURVIVORS!!!

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