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#392090 - 04/03/12 08:39 PM Re: Moving ahead [Re: Thebo]
traveler Online   confused
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3460
Loc: somewhere in Africa
i know the feeling. every time we teachers have to sit through another "child protection" seminar...
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#392504 - 04/06/12 03:36 PM Re: Moving ahead [Re: traveler]
Thebo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/11
Posts: 328
Loc: NYC
Glad to know you are a teacher and understand. Do you ever suspect that a student is struggling with csa? What, if anything, do you do? How does it effect you?

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#392588 - 04/07/12 01:10 AM Re: Moving ahead [Re: Thebo]
traveler Online   confused
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3460
Loc: somewhere in Africa
yes, I've had several - even more at risk of suicide - also cutters, and other serious situations - LOTS of depression and just had a bout with bullying.

I have been able to intervene in a number of cases and refer kids for counseling - several success stories there. but the worst are the suspected CSA - i've posted about one kid - i asked him point blank once after class - he denies there is anything going on, but lots of symptoms that sure point that way. i can't help if he doesn't want it. but i drop lots of good info in lit class as we are studyinging books and poems and plays with related themes. i met with his parents and they are aware of the problem and have him in therapy so that is good.

another family that totally neglected their 3 kids. girl turned everywhere else for affection and acted out in very provocative ways - scared me. boy ran away at 15 and is still missing a year and a half later. youngest boy just trying to be "good" but often hungry and sad. mom left and dad holes up in his room all the time or goes to the gym. parents have been reported - nothing changes.

yeh - i get triggered by kids frequently - but glad i can be a "catcher in the rye" for a few of them.

Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#392591 - 04/07/12 02:18 AM * [Re: traveler]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/28/13 05:09 PM)

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#392592 - 04/07/12 02:36 AM Re: Moving ahead [Re: Smalltown80sBoy]
traveler Online   confused
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3460
Loc: somewhere in Africa
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!GARY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

&

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!THEBO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#392715 - 04/08/12 04:53 AM Re: Moving ahead [Re: traveler]
Thebo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/11
Posts: 328
Loc: NYC
& !!!!!!!!!!LEE!!!!!!!!!

Lee, what age group do you teach?

I used to mentor kids from group homes here in NYC. Don't get me started on child services. Is it any wonder our society is so messed up when we can't even take care of our at risk children?

Gary,

You felt weird in your forties image this 58 year old man. I jumped in the deep end with the Understanding and Treatment of Victims of Abuse. The bulk of the work is child abuse. I am praying to God it is the most challenging course I will ever take and that the rest of my coarses will go smoother. This Thursday's topic is adult survivors. Think good thoughts, light a candle, say a prayer, but send out any vibe that will help me get through.

In the textbook, whuch isn't all that great, the author matches certain symptoms of csa that can be traced to specific activity within the abusive situation. Guys, i got to tell you, there is an obsession I have that my T and I have not been figuring out (even thugh I suspect he knows but he wants me to discover on my own.) The author lists it to be associated with specific circumstances but not with any other. I will tell you, it is more horrible than I could imagine. I won't say what it is. I can't. My T said once that what happened wasa really bad, that I was tortured. I recall very, very little, but more now that i am skipping down the bloodied primrose path of recovery. It has to do with blood. Anyway, Thursday's class will be interested. Maybe i should take a bottle of valium before I go.

Gary, I know the feelings you've shared. I feel stupid all the time, but the teachers love me because the class can discuss the Stonewall riots in NYC because I remember them firsthand. Or famous abuse cases from the '60's. Eeerg!

However, I use my intellect, wit, etc. to create smoke screens. If they like my class work, they will noit want to know me. I don't understand when some of the studdents want to talk to me or make friends. Gsry, at this time in my life I know i am a dirty glob of flesh with holes for abusive fucking. That's the person i wake up with every day and the person who reacts and responds to others. It took a while for my T to absorb that. He went all cheerleader on me when I started doing well in classes until I finally told him to not talk to me that way as I did not like him making fun of me. Compliments, recognizing good connected with me, does nothing but threaten. He finally said, "Oliver, this is like a minefield to you, isn't it?"

Guys, for the first time this week I have admitted to myself that I am a very emotionally and psycholgically sick man. I know I'm not pathological or psychotic, but I know I am sick. It hurts, but for some reason I am actually relieved.

Anyway, thanks for reaching out to me
O

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#392718 - 04/08/12 05:23 AM Re: Moving ahead [Re: Thebo]
traveler Online   confused
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3460
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Originally Posted By: Thebo

Lee, what age group do you teach?

High school in an international K-12 school. I teach English and several electives - so i get nearly all the kids sooner or later in one or more of my courses. the troubled ones seem to gravitate to the arts electives. Though it is supposed to be kids of the "priviledged" you'd be surprised - or maybe not! - at how much hurt and neglect there is...
Originally Posted By: Thebo

You felt weird in your forties image this 58 year old man.

me too! this is a 3rd career for me - went back to univ. at over 50 to get education courses to teach what i'd been doing professionally forever. very surreal...
Originally Posted By: Thebo

This Thursday's topic is adult survivors. Think good thoughts, light a candle, say a prayer, but send out any vibe that will help me get through.

i will be doing (E) All of the above - on your behalf!
Originally Posted By: Thebo

I feel stupid all the time, but the teachers love me because the class can discuss ...
However, I use my intellect, wit, etc. to create smoke screens.

right - i discovered that they were all interested to talk with someone who'd been in the real world - not just the ivy-covered ivory towers - and had "war stories" to tell. did a lot for my self-esteem.
Originally Posted By: Thebo

Guys, for the first time this week I have admitted to myself that I am a very emotionally and psycholgically sick man. I know I'm not pathological or psychotic, but I know I am sick. It hurts, but for some reason I am actually relieved.

GOOD - i've discovered the importance of "naming" the truth in order to overcome it. not fun - but valueable and strengthening!keep at it.

with you in the journey...
Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#392766 - 04/08/12 05:08 PM Re: Moving ahead [Re: traveler]
Thebo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/11
Posts: 328
Loc: NYC
Thanks, Lee. Your words make me cry. I called my mom to say Happy Easter and she was waxing about how good i was at school as a kid. I enjoyed the conversation but the thought of, how could she not know was in my head constantly. I almost told/asked her, but chose not to. Felt what if i made this all up. Then i came here and I recall that the symptoms are there, I've been recalling stuff and that, yes, even as a child I knew how to hide it from myself and everyone.

That's Lee
T

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#395308 - 04/28/12 04:20 PM Re: Moving ahead [Re: Thebo]
Thebo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/11
Posts: 328
Loc: NYC
The floor is falling out form under me! I am writing an essay for a scholarship, extolling my virtues. I have a bunch of stuff down but I feel like i've walked through an emotional mine field. I am not that guy inside. Everything verifies, but i can't be that guy. i can't. If i am then it means who i think I am is all wrong. God this hurts.

Can't stop crying.

I want to drink until I pass out. I am not going to at least not at the moment. I'll take a walk. Maybe someone can write soething that will make me feel better. You can lie to me, just help this pain calm down.

I don't think I can do this.

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#395311 - 04/28/12 04:45 PM Re: Moving ahead [Re: Thebo]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3613
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey Thebo,
don't be so hard to yourself. You are very nice and sensitive guy, please try to calm yourself and to take some slow breathing.
It is easy to get lost in that emotional mine filed, try not to ketch every mine that is buried along your path.
You are not alone in all this Thebo. I know that is difficult sometimes, life is complicated and it is easy to lost focus. Can you do something that will calm you? Something like your art or some other thing?
I think that your story is more than inspiring. I've been thrilled when I've discovered this thread couple months ago. Put me to think about my dreams bringing questions would I dare to dream and even to try to fulfill some. Let say that your story gave me some additional strength.
Thank you for your honesty, willing to share and courage!
I'm sending you love and hug (((((Thebo))))
pero
_________________________
My story

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