Ok so not exactly sure how to say this. I was abused from 8-17, and I got really good at repressing it untill recently. I managed to get a job and get married and have a beautiful baby girl. But here lately I find more hate and fire (for lack of a better term) in my gut then ever before. I feel like the last 18-19yrs have all been a lie, I'm not who I am. I have tried to speak to my wife but she doesnt get it, I went to therapy in fact 4 different one all told me the same thing (your just burned out and overworked). So I took vacation I even changed jobs it hasn't helped. I dont know what else to do, I dont like the person trying to come out he's so full of hatred.

I talked to my sister (despite her paternity she's still my sister) she seems to understand but she saw it she kinda grew up with it. Even if it didn't happen to her. She thinks I'm hiding the me that the hurt made me but how do I deal with him, He's getting stronger and I'm afraid he's gonna hurt someone and I wont be able to stop him.

Is it possible this alter ego is the real me? Is it possible I've been lying to myself all this time? I swear why is this happening now? Everyone says God will help you just let him in. Well I'm sorry where was god 27yrs ago when I needed him?
Makes it real hard to believe in such a being for me, if he allowed it to happen to me and all of the people I have met and keep meeting who have been abused.

I'm not trying to offend anyone this is just my personal feelings, I guess i might be a little bitter.

the protective armor you wear is hard to shed.

takes time and healing to find the "you" in there.

He is there though, hes jsut protecting himself.

breathe and go gentle dude. This is not easy stuff.

The god stuff, I'll skip, but there is a spirituality forum to look at those questions.

The way I'm reading your post, suggests Incest to me, but you havent saud and if thats your boundry please stick to it. We cant control how others readct ( your "sister" ).

"hes" getting stronger is interesting to me, and if your able and its safe for you, please write more about this.

You have the power, he wil be scared of you...I know this is hard to believe or even imagine. YOU have the true power, the truth. "HE" will not want others to know this and will put on his own armor to fake out the world.


I believe you and thank you for being brave and sharing this with us.


heal well.

hi Louis. The most important thing I think I can tell you is to breathe. Now, if you're like me - you already think I'm crazy because of course you breathe - you're alive, you must be breathing, right? Well - I say breathe because that's one of the best suggestions I got from a therapist. The "real me" is still hidden, wanting to surface... I find when I'm dealing with him I hold my breath a lot - or breathe unevenly - either way hard to think clearly when the brain isn't getting steady flow of oxygen.
For me - I'm scared to death I may not like the "real me". And the fear of "what if my life has been a lie up till now" is a very real, very valid fear.
I used to think the 'guy inside' was also full of hate and anger (not all that surprising - abuse can cause that so I hear) ... sometimes now I think he's just battling to get free - to breathe, to be able to exist. I've hid him so long - buried him kinda ... no wonder he's outa breath, right??
Anyhoo - breathe. And if you can, give him avenues to communicate. write maybe? from his vantage point. it may sound wierd, feels wierd when you start - but I have a feeling if you give him a way to be heard without being violent he may use it. : shrug : I know it works mostly for me.
You're not alone here. I may not know all you're going through but I think I understand some of where you are. And understand the uncertainty of "where you're going".
Breathe.
Let him communicate - at least with you.
Breathe.

and know you have friends and peers here.

I'm sorry for being confussing I'm really trying this is all new to me it seems much harder to write it then speak it I guess, It's because you have to think about how to say it and not be too "graphic" I guess for lack of a better term. When it comes back it doesnt hit you in PC form as you all are aware I'm sure.

It was very much a case of incest with my mother for 9yrs.

I call my sister "my sister" because I can't bring myself to think of her as my daughter which is what she actually is, this revelation was very hard for me once I got old enough to figure it out.

I suppose either I didn't know or understand at the time or choose not to when she was born, that she was my daughter I was just about to be 10. I will admit though I think it rose some red flags at the hospital when I was the only one able to give her blood right after she was born but noone ever followed up. When I was preparing to leave at 17 I found a way to get CPS involved by taking her to a dr and having her paternity tested without mom's knowledge. Once I figured it out, I never wanted her to have to deal with what I did everyday. I must admit it was really hard being a father so young when you shouldn't have to be but it was either that or she went to the state (right like I was gonna let that happen) I will admit the state was really good to help us find some cheap housing till I could get on my feet for real. And to protect us, When I left at first I had no idea what I was gonna do. I left and the state was working on the case and had removed her so it was safe for me to leave I felt. They didn't waste much time though I was suprised because of all the horror stories I had heard about them being so slow in such matters. I spend about a month with a friend and had gotten a job already and then they had made their decision they declared me a full legal adult and gave me custody of her and helped us find a house (it wasnt much but we didnt care) and daycare after school. We were always brother and sister in her eyes I didnt want to change that. she was my "sissy" to this day she wont let anyone else call her that but me lol.

I know this probably sounds stupid, but it's really hard to convince yourself of things no matter what you know to be fact. I didn't even tell her till she was 22 and started talking about the wierd things that went on when we were little she never questioned it till then.


I realize this probably doesnt read right and it jumps around but by no means am I a writer or do I claim to be. I'm just a man looking for answers. To questions I haven't even asked myself yet.

As far as Mr.Hyde is concerned I'm not sure I'm ready or even ale to give him a voice.

I'm an open book these days or try to be sometimes the book has it's pages glued together though is what my wife says

Hi Louis,
congratulation on your courage, openness and honesty to talk and share your issues here with us! I'm sorry to hear that you didn't have proper therapist and get needed help. What have you written about yourself is certainly something that needed being addressed. You can be burned and under stress at work but somebody with your history could have much bigger underlying long-term issue that needed to be properly treated. I can't believe that all your four therapist were so "blind", have you told them about your story with your mum?
It is great that you can talk to someone from your surrounding about your issues but thing is that some problems that survivors of sexual abuse are very specific and regularly people don't have much understanding and awareness of proportion of problems involved. Because of that it is sometimes difficult to get appropriate support from friends/family.
If you can afford it please consider to find proper therapist with some references and experience with sexual abuse like you have had it. Read this article about finding therapist:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/consumers-guide.html
Be aware that some problems that we survivors have wouldn't go away without heavy work. We have had some traumatic experience happened long time ago and the fact is that some scars are emerging many years later. Some issues connected to abuse can't be just put aside. That is the reason why many survivors have problems reemerging back on surface much later in their lives. You are at least at good place to look for some answers. There are a lot of guys who are feeling just like you and many of us have found way to tackle our problems. It is good to connect to other survivors and to exchange experience in all this.
I've seen in your introduction thread Anomalous gave you instructions about group chat sessions called Healing circles, please consider to attend it, that is one of best resources available here to us. I was four times there and I've found it very helpful - it is like virtual group meetings with other survivors and about sharing experience/problems and giving/getting support. You should also look for some groups in your area, have you ever being involved into something like that?
Please consider what else could you do and what suites you the best...
Pero

It's ok to be mad, you have a right to be. The anger/rage is normal, and for me it was there for a long time until I decided to deal w/ what happened to me. Your story is incredible and the fact that you raised and took care of your sister at such an early age is amazing and a testament to your true character. Have you done any therapy to deal w/ your CSA?

I have tried counseling I have discussed the SA through my childhood. They all said basically the same thing, of course looking back I guess I should have searched for a specialist but then I was just looking for help. To be honest it never crossed my mind to seek out a specialist in CSA. They all told me I was past that area of my life, because I had moved on. It had to be something else, you have gotten beyond that I heard.

They all said people in your place in the community just get burned out and have to slow down. Now let me explain that, I'm not a mayor or council or anything but I am well known and respected here. But I have worked my tail off to get where I am in life so if that meant 20hr work days fine, if it meant serving meals at the salvation army 3 days a week to build a reputation okay. But I find I did these things as much to bury myself in them as to try and be somebody.

I had always thought if I was a somebody I could help the people around me who really needed it, and provide for my family. When I got married it was because it was the time to do it, I mean I cared for her and have grown to love her dearly but I did things when it seemed it was the right time to do them we even had our baby girl on a time frame we knew we wanted her to be born these dates so we worked to make that happen. I still live my life based on what I or we feel we should be doing or where we should be at said age.

I have discovered in the last 10 days probably more so then any trip to therapy that I've been living a lie of my own making. I've buried myself in everything and anything to not have to deal with this. After all the thearpist told me I was just burned out I changed jobs and it still was there but I managed to repress it again finally, but now I seem to be losing control of him/me it feels like another person trying to take over and I call it him because I dont know what else to call it.

you are not alone Louis! I thought I had this all wrapped up too for a long time and then he took over I know exactly who that "he "is. it is me but sooooooooo not me and it is so hard to identify the feelings, and why is this all happening now? I thought this was long over! I have been dealing whys all this too man. I am not sure what the answer is but you are in a good place to discover some answers

I have found a teripist who specializes in sexual abuse to be very helpfull. Ive had other theripists the gp kind, but they just don't have any insight. I finally have a specialist and it has helped me greatly to understand myself. Spounds like you are asking and seeing people who don't have the insight. Like going to a hardware store for a loaf of bread.

Yea, I'd say the therapists you saw were not equipped to deal w/ CSA victims. Just from being here you can see people of all ages and backgrounds dealing w/ it. So just b/c you're a certain age, w/ family, and accomplishments doesn't mean you've already dealt w/ it. I think there is a resource/guide on here somewhere to help you find a good therapists, maybe someone who's been here longer can point you to it.