Welcome to MS. I am glad you have found this place of healing.
As long as you don't post anything offensive or intentionally hurtful, you may post what you like. If you think information you post might trigger others, just put "trigger warning" at the top or your post.
I don't know your situation, but if you can afford it, you need a therapist as well as your husband. Each of you need to have your own therapists, and you each need one who is trained to work with trauma and/ or sexual abuse. You do NOT want a marriage therapist. Using the Consumers Guide to Therapist Shopping
will help you ask the questions you need to find a therapist who will meet your (and your husbands) needs. Not all of those questions will apply to your situation. It is meant as a guide and not as a complete instuction manual.
Whether or not your husband goes to therapy, you need to go. This is independent of whether or not you want to stay with him. You need to heal from his past and his behavior, as much as he needs to heal from the abuse he endured. You have every right to heal, and you need to be healthy for yourself and your kids.
As much as you love your husband, you cannot do this for him. No one can do this work for him. He has to decide that he no longer wants to live with the pain and that he wants to find a way of feeling better, in a healthy sense, not by numbing himself with drugs, pornography and sex.
There are many books that you might find helpful. Some are written for the significant others of those who have been abused, and some are written for the person who has been abused. I am certain that those who post in this forum will be more than happy to share the titles of the books they found helpful. You can find the link to the bookstore on the homepage here.
To be blunt, you need to set limits with your husband about the behavior you find acceptable and that which is unacceptable. There are consequences for unacceptable behavior. But only set limits and consequences if you are prepared to follow through with them.
These are not punishments, nor are they forms of blackmail. You are drawing a line in the sand. You have to be healthy and you have to maintain a healthy environment for your kids.
He has every right to be angry, depressed, and rageful. But taking it out on you and others is not an option.
Loving him means setting limits which, hopefully, will get him to see that therapy is the way to deal with his pain. If he chooses not to deal with this in a healthy manner, he will be suffering alone. This is not an act of cruelty or selfishness, it is an act of love.
You may want to leave information about this site for him. Sometimes it takes people a long time before they join the site. Some will read without ever joining, and some find what is here to be too triggering.
Whether or not your husband chooses to take positive steps toward healing from his experiences, you need to heal from them, and from him. Hopefully he will choose to grow with you, rather than apart from you. But it has to be his choice.
Dealing with this stuff is not easy, not for the survivor, and certainly not for the person who loves him. But it can and does get better. A lot of energy and committment is required to achieve the desired results.
Your husband is using substances to keep from feeling. That is very common. None of us wants to feel the pain from the memories. His rages and arguments are also defenses against the pain he feels.
The truth is, he survived the worst part of this. And while the memories and feelings may be painful and unpleasant, they are just that -- memories and feelings, and they cannot harm him.
This is not to say they do not hurt, they most certainly do. But numbing himself and trying to suppress everything isn't working. The only way to get the pain to stop is to do the work in therapy.
It will be a rough road for each of you, but the rewards are immeasurable.
One of the things you need to do is self care.
You need to eat well, exercise and do things that are not trauma related. You need to have a support system that does not focus on the issues. You also need to have activities that you can do independent of your partner.
You have all of us here. If you have not found it yet, there is also a chat room (aka: the lounge) which includes a room just for friends and family.
The best way to support him is to get yourself help and to be healthy.