I have never been on a forum before. I'm not sure how this works. I need help and I don't know where to turn. My husband is a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. It has really impacted our family in some devastating ways. I don't know how to go on. I don't know how much information is too much to share. I don't want to offend anyone. I am desperate for help. My husband acts out sexually as a result of the abuse. He is addicted to pornography, he has already had one affair but has been inappropriate with other women our entire marriage. He is also addicted to marijuana which wouldn't be so bad if we didn't have three children. He is incredibly angry all the time with all of us. I've tried to be supportive and forgiving and as understanding as I possible can be, but after I learned about the affair I became incredibly depressed. He was very mean to me about the affair in the beginning. I honestly want to die most of the time. What can I do? Why is he like this? Will it get better?
I know this is confusing and probably sounds stupid. I could write a book telling everything, I just don't have room here.

Thanks to all who can help!

Hi Sadspouse,

Welcome to MS. I am glad you have found this place of healing.

As long as you don't post anything offensive or intentionally hurtful, you may post what you like. If you think information you post might trigger others, just put "trigger warning" at the top or your post.

I don't know your situation, but if you can afford it, you need a therapist as well as your husband. Each of you need to have your own therapists, and you each need one who is trained to work with trauma and/ or sexual abuse. You do NOT want a marriage therapist. Using the Consumers Guide to Therapist Shopping will help you ask the questions you need to find a therapist who will meet your (and your husbands) needs. Not all of those questions will apply to your situation. It is meant as a guide and not as a complete instuction manual.

Whether or not your husband goes to therapy, you need to go. This is independent of whether or not you want to stay with him. You need to heal from his past and his behavior, as much as he needs to heal from the abuse he endured. You have every right to heal, and you need to be healthy for yourself and your kids.

As much as you love your husband, you cannot do this for him. No one can do this work for him. He has to decide that he no longer wants to live with the pain and that he wants to find a way of feeling better, in a healthy sense, not by numbing himself with drugs, pornography and sex.

There are many books that you might find helpful. Some are written for the significant others of those who have been abused, and some are written for the person who has been abused. I am certain that those who post in this forum will be more than happy to share the titles of the books they found helpful. You can find the link to the bookstore on the homepage here.

To be blunt, you need to set limits with your husband about the behavior you find acceptable and that which is unacceptable. There are consequences for unacceptable behavior. But only set limits and consequences if you are prepared to follow through with them.

These are not punishments, nor are they forms of blackmail. You are drawing a line in the sand. You have to be healthy and you have to maintain a healthy environment for your kids.

He has every right to be angry, depressed, and rageful. But taking it out on you and others is not an option.

Loving him means setting limits which, hopefully, will get him to see that therapy is the way to deal with his pain. If he chooses not to deal with this in a healthy manner, he will be suffering alone. This is not an act of cruelty or selfishness, it is an act of love.

You may want to leave information about this site for him. Sometimes it takes people a long time before they join the site. Some will read without ever joining, and some find what is here to be too triggering.

Whether or not your husband chooses to take positive steps toward healing from his experiences, you need to heal from them, and from him. Hopefully he will choose to grow with you, rather than apart from you. But it has to be his choice.

Dealing with this stuff is not easy, not for the survivor, and certainly not for the person who loves him. But it can and does get better. A lot of energy and committment is required to achieve the desired results.

Your husband is using substances to keep from feeling. That is very common. None of us wants to feel the pain from the memories. His rages and arguments are also defenses against the pain he feels.

The truth is, he survived the worst part of this. And while the memories and feelings may be painful and unpleasant, they are just that -- memories and feelings, and they cannot harm him.

This is not to say they do not hurt, they most certainly do. But numbing himself and trying to suppress everything isn't working. The only way to get the pain to stop is to do the work in therapy.

It will be a rough road for each of you, but the rewards are immeasurable.

One of the things you need to do is self care. You need to eat well, exercise and do things that are not trauma related. You need to have a support system that does not focus on the issues. You also need to have activities that you can do independent of your partner.

You have all of us here. If you have not found it yet, there is also a chat room (aka: the lounge) which includes a room just for friends and family.

The best way to support him is to get yourself help and to be healthy.




Anomalous

Ditto ditto ditto

You will find many women here in your same position, and many men with invaluable insight.

Sadspouse, welcome. I hope you find healing and hope here.

Thank you all! I went to bed last night after my post and cried myself to sleep- I felt so alone. It was honestly amazing to wake up to find people who care! Thank you again!

(((sadspouse)))

You're surrounded by more sad spouses than you could have ever imagined!

Anomolous gave you some great stuff. I would include a suggestion that you read some posts from the f&f spouses. You may feel just a tad less overwhelmed knowing we share your unique and unenviable position, yet we are still breathing- in spite of wishing for our own hearts to cut us a break and quit beating already. We are making progress, as are our husbands.

Personally, I have a better, stronger, healthier marriage now than I've ever had. Having said that, I was suicidal just last wwek! It's soul-crushing stuff you've been dealt, but there is support and insight here for you.

Dump your anguish on us. We'll do our best to help you carry it.

Bless you, sweet soul!
herowannabe

hi sadspouse,

i am a wife of a survivor and if you have any importance for him, he will also change his behaviour. the thing is, it is very difficult for survivors to even really feel what is important and what not (sometimes, not all of them of course). there is this book: allies in healing from laura davis, which i found very helpful to even understand properly how a survivor feels/ thinks. in this book she also writes about boundries, about what is ok and what is not ok anymore for us (the wives).
if he is angry, you can tell him that you are not at fault, you didnt make him angry. he should direct his anger at the right person/ people who gave him all this anger. there are a lot of other things in that book which sort of help.
what i can also tell you is that MY survivor has pushed his luck very much to the edge and it seems to be sort of common that a survivor would keep on destroying himself and the people around him as people destroyed him in the past. he needs to heal. without healing he will keep on destroying.
my survivor has changed a lot (he had to) and during his change he started being honest. this hurts A LOT! but then again, its better than a fake shit life all the time. during one of his very honest times he told me, if i had left him, he would have seen the need of change earlier. he needed to lose first and he did. we are back and he has changed. he needed that shock, but you have to mean it if you want to do it like this. thats at least my experience. i dont know what works for you and him.
buy him a boxing sack for his anger and send him there if he gets angry. tell him to beat that sack up instead of freaking out on you (i hope with words "only"). show him that you care for him and support him, but that does not mean you dont have any boundries. keep your boundries safe. his abuse does not excuse him for hurting you all the time - you are also worth something!
if you push him to the edge, he has to do something, he has to react. he has to start his healing somehow. maybe you can make him come to this site or make him read "victims no longer". that is some great book, has changed a lot in my survivor. make him deal with his abuse instead of acting out and instead of hurting others. its funny, but he will be thankful to you for all the support you are giving him in the end.
i hope it all works out for you and if you want to talk, come on chat.

take care,
ela

Hi SadSpouse,

It is entirely within your right to refuse to accept private messages. But you might want to reconsider.

Often people here, whether they are survivors or those who love them, develop a support network with a few people "behind the scenes," so to speak. People might not have time to read a post, but will check their PMs. Also, some people find it more comfortable to say things in private rather than say them in public.

The point I am making, and I would have preferred to have said all of this privately, is that by blocking private messages, you are closing off an avenue of support for yourself.

Whether they are messages of support, further discussion of a topic, or a "let's get together in chat" type message, you are closing a door.

I know you are hurting.

Actually, last night I was hoping that you had wandered into chat looking for support.

Just a thought. You are under no obligation to do anything that you do not want to do.





Anomalous

Hi confusion4life,

Thank you for all of your help. I will look for allies in healing- it sounds just like what I need! I keep hearing about boundaries, but I have no idea how to set them, so maybe this will give me a good idea. I have the book victims no longer and have read it. I thought it was written with such love and understanding- it really helped me a lot. My husband is not ready to read it yet, but I occasionally will read to him from it, or tell him something that I learned that is applicable to what we are discussing. I am so glad things are better for you and your husband! Thanks again!

Hi herowannabe,

It's interesting, when I first registered to this site I read several times (and now I can't remember exactly how it was worded!) people talking about cyber hugs. It sounded a little foreign to me, but after reading your post (and all the others that have responded) I know exactly what they are talking about, and it was really nice! Thank you for your kind words of encouragement! It's amazing how much better I feel now after another horrible day!!
Thanks again!