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#395134 - 04/27/12 12:35 AM Growing up not knowing what normal is.
little big man Offline

Registered: 06/19/10
Posts: 106
Loc: nevada
I was raised by the people who had raped me early in childhood. It was a violent, verbally abusive and highly critical envirnment. I had little support; or anyone to mentor me. I had to figure things out myself alot. In short I had no one to tell me if I was normal or not. Now I am working hard at seeing the reality of myself; that I am normal.

#395147 - 04/27/12 01:01 AM Re: Growing up not knowing what normal is. [Re: little big man]
Human Offline

Registered: 03/14/12
Posts: 62
Loc: private
Hola little big man, you sure seem normal to me when we chat.
I hope we can chat more, who knows maybe attend a WoR together sometime.

Little Big Man is one of my favorite movies, it is epic!

#395198 - 04/27/12 12:58 PM Re: Growing up not knowing what normal is. [Re: little big man]
Gmone Offline

Registered: 03/14/12
Posts: 23
Loc: NC
I know just how you feel and exactly what you mean. My childhood was also very abusive and invalidating; constant criticism. There was no such thing as love - it was a foreign concept to me. Mothers didn't nurture or consul or protect. Instead, they abandoned! I quickly learned that foster homes were no better - one strike and you were out! That was my "normal".

Like you, I had no one to mentor me; it was all I knew so I bought into it. When I was molested, although I was confused and frightened, I also craved the attention! It isn't any wonder, the times I wasn't chosen I was jealous.

It wasn't until my first daughter was born and I felt true, unconditional Love that I realized it had all been a lie! Love was natural; hate had to be worked at.

My world would never be the same. I was able to love, nurture and raise two wonderful, wholly functional human beings, but I was a total mess!

For the past twenty-one years I have suffered depression, self-abuse, two hospitalizations and too many "professionals" that just didn't want to hear about CSA.

Now I have a wonderful T that listened and helped me identify the CSA for what it was. I am trying hard to beat this "rap"!

So, it's not unusual to be ignorant. How could we have known any better? We were innocent children raised by wolves! We have to learn to stop beating ourselves up. It wasn't our fault!
Working hard towards change. first positive, personal affirmation in 52 years!

#395245 - 04/27/12 11:05 PM * [Re: little big man]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217

Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/28/13 05:36 PM)

#395254 - 04/28/12 01:48 AM Re: Growing up not knowing what normal is. [Re: little big man]
chambers Offline

Registered: 04/17/12
Posts: 118
Loc: VA
I feel much the same way. Even though my home wasn't horrible my CSA forced me to figure things out for myself at an early age. I've never felt normal, but I suppose these feelings we have are normal for survivors.

#395393 - 04/29/12 12:07 AM Re: Growing up not knowing what normal is. [Re: little big man]
little big man Offline

Registered: 06/19/10
Posts: 106
Loc: nevada
Thanks you guys for the comments and I am really sorry and understand the pain you have been through. The job I have now is to learn to love myself, have tolerance for myself, and be gentile when I make mistakes. I tried to have/thought I could control the abuse by being as perfect as I can be. So making mistakes is still scary for me. I have to talk to myself and see where my fear comes from and realize I am safe now and its ok to make mistakes.


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