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#39498 - 07/11/02 07:09 AM I feel better, but still am having hard time with memories
Broken Offline
Member

Registered: 03/25/01
Posts: 273
Loc: Huntingtun Beach, CA, US
I am doing a lot better. I managed to stop my cumpulsive fantasies for a night, and will not do it again tonight. There are so many things that trigger this, stress even indirectely related ot my abuse comes out this way. Whe i relax it is not so bad.

Memories have been coming, but they are really slow. I dont have flashbacks really, its more like i just feel really bad, so bad a i cant think straight, then i think, "oh yeah, i remember that happening," all the sudden and i feel like a weight is lifted. But i dont really remember how i felt, which is confusing. Im pretty sure i have a lot of sysmtoms of ptsd, and i got a couple of books lately about male survivors. I know that my relationship with my mother involved more severe abuse than a lack of boundries. My symptoms are that of someone who has been through extreme trauma. I dont mean in any way to minimize the pain caused by lack of boundries, but we must recognize that different types of abuse affect people differently. I read through this one section where they were describing specific effects and strange actions that children go through and i highlighted half the entire list, which was long. A few were sleeping with a bat under the bed, blocking off the door with furniture, hiding under the bed and in closets, and hypervigilence.

I still get really paranoid today a lot of the time. I read about how this one guy always thought about violent things happening to him or to those around him, and seeing his head getting shot, and sometimes about lashing out at others. I felt all that before. Even every once in a while while having a panic attack, minor halucinations where peoples faces distort, or thinking people or objects just darted past you. Luckily, as a former drug user, i recognize these as my own thoughts. Who knew doing hallaucinigenics could keep you rational while having traumatic episodes?

I always felt i would rather go through hell all at once than have to spread it out over eternity. But the memories come when they come. This is my most recent.

My dad, when he got out of his longest prison term, about 7 years, had a trailer in costa mesa. I guess i wanted somebody in my life so bad that i was really willing to believe he might put aside drug use, that he might clean up and get his shit together. But i kind of knew that wasnt going to happen too. I hung around him anyways, and spent the night at his trailer. He had found a prostitute girlfriend. the first thing i remember was when i had just turned 14 i was reading his penthouse and taking it to bed while he was sleeping. I masturbated like i had since i was five, but this time i felt all tingly, and i was so nervous that when i finnally did come, it felt like a mouse squeak. I felt humiliated and ashamed, and not really knowing what to do, i wiped it on the bedcovers. the next part was really strange. I had to piss really bad, but i was scared to get up because i had an erection. I might have been scared for something else, because i felt so afraid to expose myself that i pee'd off the side of the bed onto the floor.

I remember around that time my dad would fool around with this chick right in front of me, touch her breasts and put his hand under her skirt. She would just giggle. He offered her to me while whe was out of earshot. I declined, but i get the feeling she would have if i hadnt said no.

The next time i saw my dad he had been thrown in jail for some stupid little thing, and since he was a repeat offender, didnt get out until 6 months. He had found another girlfriend hooker, and again, offered her to me. He was living iwth my oldest brother jimmies old friend mark, and i spent the night at his house. He showed me pictures of her in langeria.

I am thinking of calling my brother, see if he at least can acknowledge what my mother did. If he cant, then i cant have him in my life. I know he is trying the best he can, he has gotten help, but sometimes i wonder. He might have been or still is, abusive to his children. Id like to think its out of my hands, that his therapist will get to the bottom of it if it is happening. But i guess i will see if he has reached a point where he can call what my mother did to me abuse, and have faith in what i cant remember.

I am thinking of doing two things. The first is calling up my uncle and seeing if he is still with me on this. If he is, i was thinking maybe i could go to park, have a picnic, play chest, maybe bring my accustic guitar. He could bring his wife and his kids, but then we could talk, and maybe i could get some stuff off my chest and really relax for once.

The second might be do the same with my brother if he is still with me as well. Only i think he is more of a checkers player.

Well i will keep my fingfers crossed, and try to keep up morale. Its higher than you might think among the forsaken :rolleyes:

Acktually, i feel like i am getting stonger everytime i hit such a bad funk. Like i can finnally be who i want to be.

Tommorow im hoping ill go shopping and get the chili-peppers cd. Its out finnally. I really dont mind paying for that cd, because im sure they use thier money for good things. They donate to charities for music schools. I am also thinking about joining mensa. the pretest they give over the intenet said i had a very good chance of passing. And if not, hell, ill just take the iq test until i do pass.My intelligence is the one thing ive learned not to deny about myself. I know i can pass it.


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#39499 - 07/11/02 06:42 PM Re: I feel better, but still am having hard time with memories
SoCalJohn Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 05/18/01
Posts: 510
Loc: Los Angeles, California
Kevin,

I am glad you had a night off, for lack of a better way to say it. That is progress.

One thing that helped me a lot with my memories of the events was to start a journal and record each memory that i had and fill in the details as they came to me, at first it was just non feeling like reporting of the events, later i was able to add the feelings and get a better picture of things. It helped having it down on paper too, i found that once i wrote it down that my mind stopped replaying it over and over, like it somehow was trying to make sure i did not forget and once i wrote it down it could relax a bit cus it somehow knew that those times would not be forgotten. hmm, did that make sense?

Its a slow road we travel sometimes, just keep moving, ok?

John

_________________________
I asked him about this law he spoke of, he said,,, *watch* he then asked the others to share about their lives,,, the others talked of how things were for them, how things worked in their lives,,, and as they believed, it was so.

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#39500 - 07/11/02 08:29 PM Re: I feel better, but still am having hard time with memories
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Broken
Relish the small victories, enjoy the up days, learn from them.
Someday soon they'll outnumber the defeats and down days.

Make every good day last a little bit longer.

Lloydy \:D

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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