yes- how well i know - it's always difficult to deal with change - even totally good change causes all kinds of re-adjustments and previously un-required flexibility and uncertainty. And when the change means lauching out into unknown waters... it's even more scary.

the important thing right now is for you to find a place of safety and have the time and space to start healing - even resting and recovering from all the trauma and drama is a form of healing. the fact that YOU are the one making the decisions and bringing about the change means you have a degree of control. you'll never be able to control every circumstance or situation anyway.

i wish you all the best, and keep us in the loop on your progress!
lee

P.S. I read parts of your story to my wife and whe was very moved. She said - "don't you wish you could have them come and live with us?" i love that! no way it could happen - we don't even live in the U.S. but i want you to know that there are those who will open their hearts to you... just praying that you cross paths with the right and safe ones!

TY Gary I really appreciate it

TY Lee.. i appreciate it..

i agree that if i can make them then i have some control in it.
I was very moved by what your wife had said, i actually began to cry.. I was soo moved... it still surprises me to the very core.. TY

Jayy

So Jeremy (my second oldest brother) left today to return to his family. I miss him dearly already but he has to go back...

Matt (my oldest) is still currently here for me and it looks like he will be joining me for quite some time.. He and his wife have come to some agreement that he stays here for a while before returning home. this way he can work things out with her (still dunno what she did yet) and it gives me time to adjust to the change and new place... i am grateful for it..

still many new things have happened.. despite being dragged kicking and screaming into the doctors office for a damned check up I was due for.. Being screamed at by the doctors for my low weight and other things... I am now required to go for weekly weigh ins, i start therapy next week and work monday if weather permitting. I still have to change schools for my son though i don't mind driving the hour to take him or get him its i ran into Hayden today and he wouldn't stop bugging me about talking. I am reading i will talk but he don't get it so oh well for him.
I know Matt and his wife are still up to something by how they are being very sneaky around me and i love her to death but ARGH, she gets annoying sometimes like she is trying to be my mother. Honestly, i am going on 19 does she think she can parent me at her being 28 and me 19?? Matt has a better chance only bc he is my brother... anyways this is so far... post more in a bit.. kiddo just woke up screaming TROLLS again

JAYY

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Hi Jayy,

I am happy to hear that you moved into a place of your own.

Reading that the person who says he "loves" you has resorted to physical violence made me angry, and afraid for you.

Good for you for getting yourself into your own place and for creating a healthy and safe environment for yourself and for your son.

Things can seem "out of control" as you try to get control of your life. You are making a lot of major changes, and change can be scarey, even when the changes are desired.

I hope that guy respects your boundaries and that he leaves you alone, or that he is at least not physically harming you if he does see you. If he doesn't respect your boundaries or if he hits you again, you will need to take measures to protect yourself, which might include a restraining order. Hopefully things won't come to that.

Please attend to your physical and medical needs, not only for your own well being, but so you can be there for your son. You deserve to be healthy, physically and emotionally. Working with a therapist will help you set healthy boundaries as well as heal from all you have endured.

You are a great guy, and a great father.

Now it's time to learn how to show that love and compassion to yourself.





Anomalous

ahh my weight... well i suffer from an eating disorder, i've been struggling for a couple of years... Not really eating n if i eat i get sick... I will start work with that on monday as well as sessions with my oldest brother...
Jayy

TY very much...
It is hard to try to show love and compassion to myself when i am to blame, at fault etc. even with being told i am not i still feel this way. I sure do hope that i can get over that. and yes i am changing my number to the cell phone andif he does show up i still got matt here and i will press charges if need be even though i dun want to and my feelings are still confused but i know it'd be needed and i am sure matt would MAKE sure i did it too.
ty again
Jayy

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