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#394964 - 04/25/12 10:54 PM Sex Problems
Bewlayb1 Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 241
Loc: NYC
I was sexually abused for about two years starting at eight. From eight to eighteen, I couldn't even say the word sex without stuttering. As a child, my too-lenient parents allowed us to watch R rated movies. I covered my eyes during the sex scenes. I cried when I had to undress in front of doctors. At thirty, that bashfulness/squeamishness is still with me. Yet, it calms me to write my issues here, and I need to. I warn you in advance, I may erase this post, but hopefully not before I receive good advice.

It's not suprising I've always had trouble getting an erection. The first time I looked at gay porn my whole body trembled and I felt nauseous. Porn still makes me tremble. I tremble in bed with my boyfriend. Years ago, mostly to spare myself the humiliation, I started taking Viagra. It worked, not that I used it much.

Yet, now I am in love. We've been together for five months. He is kind, intelligent, wonderful. I've told him about the abuse. I know he doesn't understand exactly how it's devastated me, how no part of me has not been formed by it. But he is sweet, tells me not to be afraid of him. Still, I lie to him about these pills. I don't want to seem pathetic to him, and I do feel pathetic because of this: impotent, at thirty. Thinking love would make a difference, I tried without a pill. It didn't work. It was humiliating. In my mind's eye, I saw myself as a scarred, broken man, as if the persona he knew slipped off like a mask. Even if he is not angry, I know he won't look at me the same way.

And there is also that, we don't have penetration. He asked to, without a condom. I said no. I told him I never liked it because of the abuse, but would try with a condom. He said I could be a top if it made me more comfortable. He's from another country. He said he's never used a condom before. He's only been with three men, in long term relationships. He said he would use one for me, or get tested, but us both being sheepish and kind of asexual, we've let the issue drop. I worry he's not satisfied with me sexually. I am in love, but first and foremost, I'm a survivor. I won't risk my life to please anyone. Yet, at present, he is the most important thing in my life, and I want to keep him as long as I can.

I don't know if these are really big issues. I realize I'm lucky. For ten years, I had almost no social skills. I suffered gory, grotesque nightmares every night. But I have this nagging dread that I'll lose everything, like I did when I was eight. I've never been happier than I am now, and the better things get, the more I worry. Can these problems be worked out? I know it's time I stop avoiding it.

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#394970 - 04/25/12 11:27 PM Re: Sex Problems [Re: Bewlayb1]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1308
Welcome, Bewlayb1 -

I'm really sorry to hear of your problems. One thing I think you are correct about is not risking your health. Your partner following your wish to wear a condom - to me - would indicate the most fundamental respect. Stick to your guns on that one. If he will not, it begs a lot of questions. You may be hanging your health on his word. And maybe you trust him. And maybe he IS trustworthy. Then again he trusts you, yet you haven't disclosed the pills. Of course he probably didn't ask, but something tells me there isn't the level of candor yet in your relationship to "bet it all" on a promise. He knows you are very shaky and nervous. I don't know why he wouldn't respect a simple wish of yours that would obviously put you at ease. Something there seems to be missing - but I'm only getting it from a post....

In your entire post, there is not even an oblique mention of a therapist. This site is about shared experience, but I would certainly not expect anyone to give you much beyond that. Please - if that kind of professional guidance is available to you, use it. We are here for support and comfort and help in volleying thoughts.

In that spirit, I can share that I trembled every time I had sex with my abuser - my teeth would chatter. He'd tell me to relax and I know he felt me tremble all throughout. That wasn't good, but the issue wasn't my trembling, it was him. I sometimes still tremble and my teeth still chatter, but the situation is very different. My partner thinks it's sort of cute and I don't see it as being terribly significant beyond just anxious anticipation. So - in my case - I just see it as a personality/character quirk. Your situation may be more profound and significant, however.

I guess I'd close by urging you again to at least look into counseling options if you haven't already done so. I've been with a good therapist and his worth to my mental health was far beyond the money I paid him.
_________________________



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#394981 - 04/26/12 12:23 AM * [Re: Bewlayb1]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/28/13 05:34 PM)

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#397400 - 05/16/12 05:19 PM Re: Sex Problems [Re: Bewlayb1]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/26/14 05:20 PM)
Edit Reason: SILENCED

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#422246 - 01/16/13 01:59 PM Re: Sex Problems [Re: Bewlayb1]
Bewlayb1 Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 241
Loc: NYC
Itís been awhile since I posted here. The reason is that Iím happy. Iíve been happy before, for short periods, though things often went south pretty quickly after. This is the first time I can say that Iím happy with my life, and honestly feel my future will be even brighter. Itís due 100% to my boyfriend of over a year, mentioned in the above post, a kind, devoted, gentle, wonderful man. Then, why am I writing now? Itís because the same problems referenced in my original post persist.

I have ED. Iíve gone to a doctor, a urologist I still regularly see, who confirmed there seems to be no physical cause. Iím on daily medication, small doses of Cialis, which works with maybe 70-80% effectiveness. Iíve quit smoking, seven months now. I work out about five hours a week. Thereís no doubt now that the cause is the frequent sexual abuse I suffered as a child of eight, nine and ten. Iíve done everything I can to try to get better. My boyfriend doesnít know, though he knows of my past. Iím afraid of his reaction, even if some part of me thinks he suspects, and is choosing to look the other way. I doubt heíll be angry, but at the least it will take some of the passion out of our sex, which will probably be counter-productive.

I may see a therapist, only because I will do anything possible not to lose this man, who means everything to me, who I canít live without. But please donít lecture me in your responses about not being in therapy now. At eight-years-old I stopped speaking almost entirely, lost almost all my social skills. At eighteen, I started again, and in a few years I was a charming, funny, sane guy. At thirty one, my life is finally pretty good. I can do a lot on my own too. I just would like to hear stories from others who have dealt with this. For the first time ever, I want to enjoy sex. This basic human pleasure was unfairly stolen from me. Please tell me that I can get it back. Thanks.

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#422294 - 01/16/13 07:17 PM * [Re: Bewlayb1]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 02:07 PM)

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#422306 - 01/16/13 09:13 PM Re: Sex Problems [Re: Bewlayb1]
Bewlayb1 Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 241
Loc: NYC
Thanks for that response, Gary. My boyfriend does know about the abuse, but not the ED, or at least not the extent of it without medication. I think he would be understanding. I think I first truly realized I loved him when I told him about the abuse, and he was very compassionate, unlike my own parents, and unlike my ex. I just feel better with him not knowing about the ED, partly out of pride, partly because I don't want him thinking about it. I'm learning to enjoy sex. My attitude towards it has changed a lot. It continues to change. Yet, there is still this immense anxiety when it comes to the act. Since anything physical has pretty much been ruled out (my testosterone's good,) maybe all I can do is hope time and love will cure me.

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#423091 - 01/24/13 06:37 AM Re: Sex Problems [Re: Bewlayb1]
sallyjoseph Offline


Registered: 01/05/13
Posts: 10
I learn your post and i think your problem will be worked out or solve everything. Stop thinking more about that.


Edited by sallyjoseph (01/24/13 06:39 AM)

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#423258 - 01/26/13 06:38 AM Re: Sex Problems [Re: Bewlayb1]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Good topic Bewlayb. imo, you've handled the raw/wrapped issue well and your thinking seems real clear on it. btw, just friggin' excellent on the social skills. A success to lean on, imo, while you tackle this.

About testing (poz over 20 years here), it's not just HIV. Syph, hep and herpes can be devistating, too. I'd suggest those tests if you haven't and Hep B vaccine, perhaps even the HPV vaccine. Then again, I'm a human guinea pig and I'm USED to having a blood letting every 2-4 weeks! shocked Well, at least I don't pass out on the doctor's floor AS MUCH any more....

Anxiety and even anxiety about the anxiety, yeah, can screw things up (pun intentional). You've likely seen the posts about staying in the moment, not leaving your body, etc. If I tell my partner - who may have no clue about how it feels - will he now start concentrating on my erection more than spontaneous sex? Aw crap! If I'm thinking about all that, how the hell am I supposed to even begin to enjoy myself? It becomes a job (another intentional pun...don't stop me, I'm on a roll).

I get it.

Basics. Start with honesty about the ED. Knock down one wall to intimacy. Research and discuss with each other. Mygawd, too, if you're able, add humor. (I recall similar at one time with the love of my life. My line, "BAD Penis!" dissolved us in laughter, complete sillines, and well....) laugh

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