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#39492 - 09/12/05 12:28 AM was thinking
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
I was thinking so much about recent events.
My mind just does not operate the way it happens with some guys here.

My mind reacts to situations that go out of control, or have the potential to do the same.

I know that I am just hurting myself just to involve myself in issues which will ultimately hurt me and others here.

I just think that my mind was so sick of being in the middle of fights all my life, with my parents not really thinking that he is their son, but rather something of the devil.

I think that I sound like I am moaning here, but I am not, I am just thinking what I thoughr as a kid.

I was thinking things like, why was I so freaked out, why did I soil the bed, why did I keep my parents up every night of the week.

I was thinking about whether I get through tomorrow, or the next week, or whether it gets better in time.

I thought so much about how the future should be so good, and yes, he was a boy who could still have trust with the right people.

I wish that the people who want to hurt just dont do it, I wish that they knew that I am only one person.

I wish maybe that they accept me, and not think I am some form of differing characters, because it hurts real bad, but its not my fault whatever you see.

I cannot even be one person at once, never mind some plethora of other people, so WTF, who cares, wrong again, dont be there,

nah, dont be there, no way, I have to with no invites,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#39493 - 09/12/05 12:55 PM Re: was thinking
Grunty1967b Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/28/05
Posts: 825
Loc: Australia
Hang in there ste. I feel your pain.

I hope you can have a nicer day tomorrow.


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#39494 - 09/12/05 05:08 PM Re: was thinking
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Ste,

I keep marvelling at the integrity and courage with which you post about your own feelings and issues, even those that are very painful and private.

You are not moaning, and no, you are not alone. When things go in flames for me, here or anywhere, I am immediately 11 again and back in my room trembling, lost and afraid. I relive the whole wretched mess and run through all the answerless questions for the millionth time.

As for multiple Stes, we should be so lucky. I trusted you 100% before all the recent fuss, and please believe me when I say not a thing has changed since then.

Do things get better? Yes, I do believe so. I cannot confirm it so much from my own experience yet, but I believe in the other guys here and in the community we have. This one I am prepared to take on board, not because I have no other option, but as a matter of trust. A lot of that trust is something I have learned to give here because of the contribution by people like yourself.

Take care,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#39495 - 09/13/05 12:26 AM Re: was thinking
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Ste

Quote:
I just think that my mind was so sick of being in the middle of fights all my life, with my parents not really thinking that he is their son, but rather something of the devil.
What we learn as kids stays with us, and then throw some abuse into the equation and the other issues, that other people SOMETIMES get over naturally, get amplified.

My family wasn't angry or violent, and none of them abused me or my brother in any way at all.
But there was no emotion or passion in our lives, and my brother ( not a CSA survivor ) also feels the same way I do about our parents. We haven't got that loving relationship that I envy so much in others.
In our 4x4 club we have about 7 or 8 father and sons who drive, and they all behave like 'mates' on a day out, two of them were having a huge mud fight last weekend and ended up soaked and filthy, and collapsed laughing in the end.
I was loved and cared for, but never got to experience anything like this, never will either.
So I make up for it with a few close friends, and I was lucky enough to have this kind of relationship with my parents in law, both sadly dead now. I cherish those memories though.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#39496 - 09/13/05 01:36 AM Re: was thinking
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Dave,

not huert no more

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

Top
#39497 - 09/13/05 01:48 AM Re: was thinking
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
I was only thinking stuff,it is not so bad bout you. k.

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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