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#394752 - 04/24/12 10:52 AM what's the point
Obi Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1314
Loc: kansas
?


frown
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#394754 - 04/24/12 11:04 AM Re: what's the point [Re: Obi]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1965
Loc: durham, north england
At the point you, ---- or at least I, asked that question, it had no possible answer other than continuing because I was too stubborn to quit.

At the point that question has an answer, I found I no longer needed to ask it, but getting there took nothing but a lot of persistance and walking through shit.

It's like swimming through a sewer pipe. It's cold, it stinks, it's filthy, it makes you feel like death, but if you stop you'll sink, so you keep going even though you have no idea how long the pipe is, and eventually you'll find enough light, hope, and fresh air to make you believe you'll get out.

this was my own experience, hope is a luxury I just didn't have, and the only thing that really kept me going was bloody minded persistance.

i'm not sure if things are the same for you obi, but I hope this is vaguely helpful.

Thinking of you,

Luke.

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#394766 - 04/24/12 12:42 PM Re: what's the point [Re: Obi]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1402
Loc: California
What I've learned ...

The point is to discover who we really are. The point is to learn how valuable we are to ourselves and to the world. The point is to recover and share the healing with the planet. The point is to learn and then to teach. The point is to heal and then to heal others. The point is to become beacons of light and strength of an ailing world.

Our destiny is to reclaim our lives, and it takes tremendous courage and strength and tenacity. But once we're "there", we discover how much power and strength we have, and it becomes incumbent on us to start sharing and spreading the light. The world needs us.

D
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#394769 - 04/24/12 01:03 PM Re: what's the point [Re: Obi]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1308
I don't believe we ever heal. I think we can find some grace of acceptance. We escape the torment of our own demons by focusing on the greater pain beyond us. Our inner turmoil doesn't go away, but it can be harnessed as an engine for a greater good.

For me at least it has come down to three words: look outside myself. That is where I have found my greatest measure of peace.
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#394773 - 04/24/12 01:21 PM Re: what's the point [Re: Obi]
Magellan Offline
Member
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Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1402
Loc: California
Hi Chase,

I'm having a very different recovery than what you're describing. I find much of my day is spent in exploring who I am, discovering joy, and happiness and contentment. This is what healing had always looked like to me when I imagined coming to my life.

I'm also finding an authentic self emerging, one that I can see developing healthy relationships with other people. I find that I can trust my feelings and instincts and act accordingly. I find that I can value and honor myself and love myself. This is what healing looks like to me.

I'm not FULLY healed. How much healing I'll find will only be known the day that I die.

But I've made my own personal guide post on what makes for a satisfactory statement about being "healed" for myself - the day I realize that I can make friends without feeling powerless to do so. That day is approaching. 2 years ago, I didn't think it was possible. Now I know it to be true. That defines healing in my book. smile

D


Edited by Magellan (04/24/12 02:17 PM)
Edit Reason: clarity
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#394792 - 04/24/12 05:09 PM Re: what's the point [Re: Obi]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1629
Hello Chase

I, like Magellan, am having a different recovery. I am finding who I am, understanding more what I want and need and most importantly feeling good about myself--the extreme sense of guilt and shame is lifting. The child in me is healing and we no longer have the internal battles, he no longer feels abuse is love and love is abuse. The confusion as to my identity is gone. I know who I am, I no longer need the pain of abuse by acting out or recreating the scenes. The child feels part of me and I have accepted the child part of me that I long ago fragmented into an abyss of pain and abuse. I understand why, when this part of me took over he acted in a way contra to who I was. I had abandoned him, left that part me to relive and relive the abuse emotionally and physically. So I am healing, feel great about life and what tomorrow will bring. I also now understand I will not accept abuse, torment or being treated subpar to others. I am good and I am empowering myself. I have great support and have found through people who have been on my healing journey with me love, joy, happiness and the hope of brighter tomorrows.

I believe healing is never truly 100% complete, but having the feelings of happiness, joy, hope and understanding who I can trust and rely on is phenomenal. When I began I never believed I could feel this way, was I ever wrong. I hope you learn you can control and learn to accept the the inner turmoil which allows you to be free of the control the perp left us with.

But we all heal differently and our outcomes will never be the same for all of us. As long as you find some peace you are healing.


Edited by KMCINVA (04/24/12 06:34 PM)

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#394807 - 04/24/12 08:45 PM Re: what's the point [Re: Magellan]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6401
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
Originally Posted By: Magellan
What I've learned ...

The point is to discover who we really are.


Its funny. I've been thinking about this all day. I'ne been looking at all of my pictures of me as a kid. I have no idea who he is, what he's supposed to be...anything. He's a complete stranger in so many ways.

But at the same time, I have to deny the idea that there was ever a prior plan for my life...that anything was derailed. I only see the life that actually existed...makes me ill.
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#394814 - 04/24/12 09:39 PM Re: what's the point [Re: Obi]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1308
Magellan, KMC -

Perhaps I should add that I did indeed do a LOT of work on myself under the guidance of a wonderful therapist. It was a journey of discovery. I seem to remember Woody Allen once said that if he sold the rights to his story, it would make a better board game than a book. Similarly, my life has been a wild assortment of pretty zany adventures, of which the abuses I endured were a significant underlayment.

I was fortunate to have that opportunity to get to know myself pretty well - something I suspect a lot of less affected people never do. I may not be able to totally heal - there are still a lot of dysfunctions and psychic scarring, but I can at least understand that now.

So I totally agree with you guys on that, even though I find my greatest happiness is in that outward focus.
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#394818 - 04/24/12 09:47 PM Re: what's the point [Re: Obi]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1402
Loc: California
Chase Eric,

Everyone's path and what they discover is indeed different. I hope that you find more healing as you continue your journey. smile

I was concerned when you said "I don't believe we ever heal", but maybe I misunderstood your intent with that statement.

D
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#394828 - 04/24/12 10:35 PM Re: what's the point [Re: Magellan]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1308
Quote:
I was concerned when you said "I don't believe we ever heal", but maybe I misunderstood your intent with that statement.

It was indeed a rather blunt statement. I think it comes from the frustrations I went through before therapy. I did some pretty crazy stuff trying to "scare the SSA" out of me - trying to prove I wasn't the victim I actually was. I mean REALLY crazy stuff, enough to justify extra pay for the hazards I took. I was like Jonah who ran into the belly of a whale and went to the bottom of the sea trying to run away from - in a sense - himself.

I saw therapists and counselors in the past - when I shared with them, it was awful. They had no idea where to go with the things I shared, and my hopes of "healing" remained elusive.

It was a hell of a journey for me to come to the realization that a lot of the "healing" I thought I needed was really just acceptance. Acceptance of who I am, who I had to become to survive. When I pursued "healing", I did so much running around and got nowhere. I literally almost killed myself doing it - and I still hated the person who looked back at me in the mirror every day. When I chose acceptance, the peace and happiness finally started to flow.

So I bristle a little when I hear "healing". It's just me. I'm not saying that true healing doesn't exist for some. I'm just saying I don't believe it does. The difference between the two statements is in the caveat: there are a lot of things I've believed in the past that were wrong, and I have no reason to think my sense of believing has gotten any better. There's humility for you (I believe) smile

I've used in other discussions the metaphor of the big sycamore tree that has grown twisted and distorted around sidewalk blocks in our town. It can't be fixed. But it's green flora of leaves are exuberant, and it stands there as proud as any other tree that did not have to grow around the abusive demands of inflexible cement. That's a simple and beautiful truth - it took me a long time to learn what that tree always knew.
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