When I was 11yo, a surgeon did extensive research into my anus, rectum and colon. Horrid barium enimas, digital exams, specula exams and LOTS of in-patient psych-exams trying to pry the news out of me. They never got it.

The surgeon back then said I had ample injuries, colonic ulsers and wart-like polyps in and around the anus. (I can actually remember when I felt them form)

Since turning 40, I've been getting the prostate exam digitally. Been avoiding it for the past year. They have also want to do a scope...refused it for years now.

Feeling pain and mass back there now.

Making this appointment will feel like walking into that basement under my own power. And my MD is an eye-roller regarding CSA.

Robbie - praying for no bad news.
lee

Robbie,
Hang in there. I have had polyps and my paternal grandmother died from colon cancer. I have to go for colonoscopies and sigmoidoscopies alternating every two years. The colonoscopies are no problem as I am sedated. I got up the nerve to tell my doctor that I wanted sedation for the sigmoidoscopy since I was sexually abused as a boy. He totally understood and agreed. I just had to have the nerve to speak up. As for the prostate issue, I have to go every year as I have had some issues there. I even had to have a prostate biopsy a few years ago which was as bad as the rape when I was six. If I ever have to have one again, I will ask for sedation there as well.
Please take care of yourself and hang in there. You are too important a person to not deal with health issues. I, and I am sure others here, value you greatly!

Seeing the MD tomorrow. This is more than regular polyps though. Its all scar-tissue related.

I was supposed to schedule it about 6 months ago I guess, but there's no way to advise the scope doc of my past without putting it through the receptionist/scheduler/assistant/beautician/gum-chewer. And I simply will not do that. I'm so done being looked at "like that."

Hang on Rob, I hope that your doc would be as sensitive as possible.
I'm keeping my fingers crossed that everything will be fine! Keep informing us...

UPDATE:

The Gen Prac MD has passed me off to the scope guy. Initial consult will be May 17.

Nothing like urgency in healthcare.

I am rooting for you Rob, this is as difficult as exams can get fellow survivor. Uhm, nope, I have been through airport security, I stand.., bend and cough corrected. Look 'em in the eye Rob, this is not the abuse, it is what is carried because of it. Like battle scars or road rashes, we need to declare it to no one except those we choose.

Tell them what you need but remember please the relief of safe, appropriate sharing for your emotional recovery, and think of what they could mean for your physical needs as well me friend.

Sam

I have the consult with the Colon Doc today at 2:20pm. I'm sweating buckets as if I wear in actual shock and feeling like I'm 11 again...and scared shitless "they'll all find-out." A surgeon did a rectal exam when i was 11, and he discovered a lot. From then on, it was barium enemas and phsych exams. The totally neglected the appendicitis I actually had. (confirmed by the surgeon at age 32 when I went septic from a melted appendix.)

How am I gonna tell this doc? I can tell on global TV, but not one medical professional? Maybe its because he brings all the evidence, reality and consequence up to current-day. I can't even take my own advise given-out to many and "write it out for the doc," cuz then he'd be sitting there reading it and looking at me like a weird fk.

Anyway, want this panic-shock to stop. I'm balancing on a pin-head here...sweating like a pig, shaking . I feel a melt-down coming as well.

I'm really ready to be done with all of this.

praying for you...

Thoughts are with you and hoping for a successful outcome

It went badly, so I disapeared. I apparently posted bout Donna Summer though. I LOVE her. (Loved) And BTW: I'm fkg sick of my people dyeing.

meaning ... what?

dissociation episode?

was it the triggering circumstances of the appt or the med results that were bad?

can you remember?

are you gonna be OK?

Lee

Having to tell one non-med professional "the sitch." Having to go into WHY things are bloody and hurt to the non-pro and the blank-stare doctor.

I went on auto-pilot like many times in life and ignored what was happening in real life.

Didn't disappear enough apparently cuz I cry at the drop of a hat thinking about having to have this done (June 4).

But according to the many sheets of custom instruction in my car, I will be put-out with propophal (sp).

Robbie,

I'm also due to be scoped out in about 2 weeks. I've put it off too long. I told them to knock me out well because I was abused as a child and I don't like being messed around with down there. The hardest part is the pre-cleaning that has to be done the day before. A long time ago my doc found a calcified (turned to stone) scar on my anus.

Puffer

I think there are very very few incidents in a life that will cause a child and adult to feel ANY more vulnerable than with sexual assault. Even in lock-up situations, I've felt vulnerable, but nothing like in childhood.

This sense of vulnerability is a massive element of my stress with the scope. Being knocked-out, being messed with there, not knowing what will and did happen.

I'm truly trying to develop a positive attitude, without panic and without fear eating me up. June 4 is a LONG way away when yer chest is aching from anxiety and hands shaking in panic.

I'm also hoping the Doc will find the car keys I swallowed at 3yrs-old. My father keeps asking for them back. (see???? Gallos humor)

Robbie & Puffer -

i had a colonoscopy a couple years ago.

i was put under completely.

it wasn't as bad as i feared.

they gave me a nifty CD video of the procedure so i can really get into myself!!! that was the part that really creeped me out.

i don't know if that procedure is anything like what you are facing.

for me the more traumatic procedure was a vasectomy - cuz one of my perps (step-father) had threatened me with castration. 1 was so stupid - i didn't even make the connection til i was on the operating table and about to go under. i flipped out.

so i think i get the level of anxiety - but in a different area...

i'll be hopefully awaiting good results (please -!)

Lee

It all went well...cept now my asthma has gone all category-10 on me. Literally stopped breathing the other day. Doc was pissed I never even went to the ER...but I have my own nebulizer (which is all the hosp uses). LOL...seems nothing will kill me though.

Rob -

glad the procedure went well.

now just keep breathing! is that an effect of the anxiety, maybe?

Lee

Another small victory for one of us is a victory for us all.

Congrats on getting through it, Rob. You're stronger now.