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#394741 - 04/24/12 09:10 AM ouch
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
my wife told me last night that she really wants me to stop all this therapy and stuff around the CSA because it just perpetuates my being a victim.

a victim frown
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#394742 - 04/24/12 10:01 AM Re: ouch [Re: MarkK]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6376
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
Oh sht Mark! I meant to send your wife a congratulations letter for graduating from UC's Clinical Pych program.

Or was it 'water cooler wisdom' that brought that kick in the nards?

I/we/many guys fall victim to the armchair Ts among the nermals. In my world, once the ex spread all the news bout Rob, everyone became an armchair T. Course, they would never speak to me directly. twas always by proxy...so leaving me with no chance to ask about "how did you come to that conclusion that I need to just get over it?"

That's effectively what yer wife told you; "just stop T" = Just get over it Mark!

Wow...just typing that rushed the blood out of my face.

I'm sorry I have to 'go there,' but I would show your wife the movie "Mysterious Skin."

Need to stop now cuz this triggered some serious rage and grief in me. Just wanted to reply to you soon as I know how much this hurts you.
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#394743 - 04/24/12 10:08 AM Re: ouch [Re: MarkK]
Lavinia Offline


Registered: 12/02/09
Posts: 60
Mark, I'm so sorry to hear that your wife not only called you a victim instead of survivor, but also suggested you stop therapy! I'm not sure if this is going to help, but I want you to know that what she said wasn't a reflection of your healing process, but her own frustrations. She's probably wondering when you'll "get over it" or whatever, and sees the therapy as unhelpful because you're talking about your abuse during the sessions. Of course, you realize that therapy is exactly what you need in order to heal. Perhaps you could say something like, "I know it seems like I've been in recovery for a long time, but it's a very long process and I'd appreciate your patience and understanding and compassion." I'd also suggest she pick up a self-help book like Allies in Healing to better understand what you're going through and why therapy is so important. Best wishes to you.

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#394744 - 04/24/12 10:09 AM Re: ouch [Re: MarkK]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Wow Sorry amn.

In had the same thing, Problem is that while we are working on our healing, we are ignoring them or not giving them the support they need.

Please be careful, this is when the supporters get what we call supporter fatigue. They get really tired, and also need a little love.
It is a catch 22, because you need the healing or else you feel like you are going to go crazy, you also feel that you cant take a break at this point.

My Advice, give her some attention, take a break from the healing and let yourself catch your breath. If you don't then you will end up in the same boat as I am in, separated and insanely unhappy.

Heal well
Martin
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#394745 - 04/24/12 10:13 AM Re: ouch [Re: MarkK]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3601
Loc: South-East Europe
Hang on there MarkK!
Please don't fall for that destructive message frown
Your therapy certainly did good to you as well as all that you've learned about CSA.
You are not victim but rather contrary, you are real fighter!
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#394747 - 04/24/12 10:23 AM Re: ouch [Re: whome]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6376
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
Originally Posted By: whome

My Advice, give her some attention, take a break from the healing and let yourself catch your breath. If you don't then you will end up in the same boat as I am in, separated and insanely unhappy.


Yeah. He's right here. Now you can see why I lost everything.
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#394756 - 04/24/12 11:12 AM Re: ouch [Re: MarkK]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
The kicker is she is also a survivor. And I stood by her side as she went through her therapy and confronted her perp's and had them lie about it but finally come out and admit what they had done. She truly is a survivor on that score and I have always been proud of her on it.

I don't remember enough to be able to point out with any certainty my perps or what exactly was done. Current therapy has me on strong anti-anxiety meds to go with the anti-dperessives because almost every night is a sever panic attack.

As for "taking a break from healing" - that's out of the question; for my sanity I need to continue healing. Anyone who can't stand by my side in this is going to find themselves standing on the outside. Permanently. Stop healing cuz she can't handle it? Not hardly. I was there for her. If she can't support me, she can keep her mouth shut. And if she can't stay quiet - well, she knows where the door is.


Edited by MarkK (04/24/12 11:17 AM)

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#394758 - 04/24/12 11:39 AM Re: ouch [Re: MarkK]
Pie Offline


Registered: 05/27/11
Posts: 61
Dearest Mark

As the wife of a survivor I understand your anger at this point. She is possibly thinking that the therapy you are undergoing is not effective or its keeping you in a defunked state. No woman likes to see her husband, knight in shining armour, broken.

I can almost assure you that she is requesting this from a place of love and concern. My first suggestion is that you take a moment to sit with her and listen to her reasons. You don't need to comment or give your side immediatly. It would be better if you tell her that you will come back to her with your thoughts. Think about what she is really saying and even post her reasons on the forum, you may get real insight into her.

At this stage you have nothing to loose and everything to gain.

With empathy anything is possible
Pie

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#394770 - 04/24/12 01:05 PM Re: ouch [Re: MarkK]
Lavinia Offline


Registered: 12/02/09
Posts: 60
Mark, as someone in a survivor-survivor relationship, the best advice I can give you at this point is to "lighten up" with your wife. Let me explain: when two survivors get into a relationship, they often get caught up in healing themselves and trying to help one another so much that they forget to do fun things together, like going to the movies or just going for a walk or anything they enjoy doing together. My Zack and I have had to remind each other that we have to laugh as often or more often than we cry. You and your wife both sound "burnt out" from the abuse recovery stuff, so why not try something fun and light for a day or two? I don't mean that you shouldn't talk about abuse-related stuff if something important comes up, but try to maintain a balance. See if that helps and feel free to PM me if you need to talk - I'm online a lot so I'll respond as quickly as possible.

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#394778 - 04/24/12 02:15 PM Re: ouch [Re: MarkK]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
i'm going to skip tons of history i'm just tired of rehashing and leave it at agreeing yes - we are most certainly "burnt out" - but i personally doubt there is much left to sift out of the ashes, and maybe it's time for a change of venue
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    https://1in6.org/men/bristlecone/mark-krueger/

Kirkridge - October 2008
Alta - September 2012
Alta - September 2013

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