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#394635 - 04/23/12 04:43 PM Hello to all (possible triggers)
spacewolfie Offline


Registered: 11/29/10
Posts: 2
Loc: Arizona
Hello, I am a male survivor of incest, from before age one to after age four, and sexual trauma at age five. I am a little nervous posting this, as I went through what was supposed to be treatment and therapy when I was younger for it, but was more akin to what felt like torture. I will explain what I mean by sexual trauma, and what passed as treatment in Texas, circa 1987-1998.

I don't really remember what my real mother did to me while I was with her, my dad was on business when it was happening, but I hear stories of what I did as a child, that were a sign of what was happening. My dad tells me that, at age four, what started the whole thing in motion, was I was caught on the playground, "experimenting" with what I learned from my mother, which was how to do fellatio. I was caught by that child's mother, and my dad took me to the DA's Psychologist, who monitored my reaction to two dolls, which is when they found out it was caused by my mother. He divorced her, and started treatment at something he thinks was called Center for Incest and Abuse in Dallas, TX. While being treated, he still had to work, so he left me in the care of his co-worker's wife. There, I met with another sexual abuse victim, this one had not been discovered, and wasn't discovered until she reached 13. We began to "experiment" with each other, and one day, we were caught be the grandmother, who pointed her finger at me, and said I was the culprit. I was 5 years old. The image is burned into my mind, of that lady as she picked my up off the floor by my neck, and shook me, telling me it was my fault, my mother did this to me, and now I was doing it to her grand-daughter. Her Grand-daughter, it turns out, was being trained to be a child prostitute by the mother, and I guess I was just the perfect child to use in the situation. But that was years after the incident, after years of ridicule, and scorn in the "Behavioral Heath" system. While I was underage, I was long term hospitalized over 8 times, I spent more time in hospitals than in my own home, which I should add had a physical abuser in it, my first step mother, so I guess it's not as bad as I thought at the time. They tried every form of therapy they could think of for the physical abuse, but the sexual abuse was never touched, it was taboo. Meanwhile, I was on 1000 mg of Seroquil (antipsychotic, of which that is 2 times more than max dosage for adults, even at that time), 10 mg Risperdal (another antipsychotic, this time at 2 1/2 times the max dosage for adults at the time), Cylert Ritalin and Dexadrine,(all anti ADHD stimulants), 3 different antidepressants, 2 different mood stabilizers, and at least 3 different meds to treat the side effects of the massive amount of drugs being pumped into a 12 year old's bloodstream. That was their solution to the sexual abuse, ignore the problem, and treat the issues as they reared their ugly head. This was 1993 at the time, and I was showing signs to them of having Psychotic Behaviors, so overreaction was the name of the game. I know this, because my dad saved many of the drug guides that came with the medicines, and they had the dosages, and the times I should take them. He saved them so he could remember all the mads I had been taking all my life. I was diagnosed with the first stages of Cirrhosis of the liver, of which a reduction of medicines was done, and I no longer show signs of it, but may still be a factor later in life. I also have endocrine system issues, and I cannot convert sunlight into vitamin D, so I have to take a supplement. All this, because nobody knew what to do for early childhood sexual trauma.

I wanted to share this story, because I appreciate what this site does. I feel so alone in my little world, behind my computer, and I can't help, but wonder if things are different in this day and age, if children get the treatment they need for the problem, and not just the symptoms. If there is another potential adult, who struggles with life, all because nobody wants to face the facts, and say "This child is not going to be a product of his abusers, and we will make sure that he becomes a productive member of society, despite what he has been through", and never once gets the blame for the abuse, or causing such abuse. All my life, I have been told I will become the abuser as well, that ones that are abused at such an early age are destined to become pedophiles, and are not fit for society. I may have not had mental illness before this all happened, but now I must stay on medications just to walk out the door to check the mail, or go shopping for food, without feeling like I'm being stared at. I feel alone in this world, an island of me among men, because I now suffer from one of the most debilitating mental illnesses you can imagine, one that does not have a named diagnosis. It leaves me with many symptoms, one of with is Developmental Arrest. I will probably never have a wife, never have a place to call my own, and probably, if things keep going the way they are going, will also end up losing my freedom. I can cook for myself, clean for myself, and do what is necessary to survive, but all that will change if they eliminate S.S.I., and Medicaid. What happens to us who have to live on it, who live disabled, because of the failures of our prior generation? We are the ones who suffer for the sins of our fathers, and so does our children. My hope is one day to get past my issues, and be able to work. But, as of now, all I am good at is playing World of Warcraft, and daydreaming of a better life, since the nightmares make it hard to actually dream of one.

Anyway, this my story, I hope it wasn't too much for my first post. I wish you all a good day.

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#394641 - 04/23/12 06:33 PM Re: Hello to all (possible triggers) [Re: spacewolfie]
MusicMan Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/23/03
Posts: 144
Loc: Elmira, NY
Well, Space, at least you made you first contact. Welcome to MS.

Even though we might seem like cyber-people, we are all real men with real issues, just like you. I hope that you will find some comfort and healing here. I think that you made a good first step of becoming involved with posting here. No one will judge you and there is a lot of support.

Keep dreaming of a better. All good things start with a dream

God bless,
John

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#394759 - 04/24/12 11:54 AM Re: Hello to all (possible triggers) [Re: spacewolfie]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3613
Loc: South-East Europe
Welcome to Male survivor Spacewolfie!
You wrote so good intro that I'm left without proper words, you were so brave to do, you have my hat off to you! I'm sorry that you have had so terrible experience. That treatment that you have had sounds terrible, and that was happening in 1993, which is practically like yesterday for me. That fact really scares and makes me angry at same time frown.
Please try to connect to brothers here, we can give support to each other!
There are couple of ways to do so, one is trough chat. The lounge-chat is open 24 hours a day but sometimes is empty. We also have moderated group chats called Healing Circles - I've found it very helpfull combined with therapy, check it, it worth it. The meetings are on Sunday and Wednesday evenings at 9 pm eastern time and one on Tuesday at 19:00 UTC (European and African time zone).
Here is link to instructions:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=381367#Post381367
And there is always possibility to post threads and make some comments.
Recovery and improvement is definitely possible!
Please share as much as possible with us, lets make together some burden lighter!
Pero
_________________________
My story

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#394978 - 04/26/12 12:12 AM Re: Hello to all (possible triggers) [Re: spacewolfie]
Anomalous Offline
Greeter Coordinator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 03/07/10
Posts: 1350
Hi Spacewolfie,

Welcome to MS. I am glad you have found this place of healing.

The abuses you endured at the hands of the "system" which was supposed to be helping you are infuriating, to say the least.

I am sorry you were subjected to so much inappropriateness in the name of "treatment." Hopefully you have a therapist who is helping you deal with everything you have endured.

You were told a cruel lie regarding the abused becoming an abuser. I wrote a post that you can read here. This post gives information regarding the original source of that myth, as well as research which debunks the original research and it's faulty conclusion.

You are no longer alone, and you no longer have to suffer in silence. We are here to listen to you and to support you.

The lounge (chat) is always open even though it might not always be in use. Drop in for support or just for company.

Again, welcome to MS.




Anomalous
_________________________
Acceptance on someone else's terms is worse than rejection.

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#395799 - 05/02/12 08:33 AM Re: Hello to all (possible triggers) [Re: spacewolfie]
Jim1104 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/16/11
Posts: 410
Loc: Louisiana, USA
Welcome. I am so sorry for your pain. We are here for you.
_________________________
Jim
Male/USA

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#395937 - 05/03/12 10:12 AM Re: Hello to all (possible triggers) [Re: spacewolfie]
Randy65 Offline


Registered: 04/14/12
Posts: 109
Loc: Jonesboro, Arkansas
Hello Spacewolfie,
Welcome to a safe place my friend. I am so sorry the system did not protect you and is still toying with you. Me and all my brothers will never harm or leave you. I was almost a victim of the system myself and witnessed many that it kept engulfing. Never give up! Never give in! We are your strength!
You are your strength!
I am so proud of you.
Randy smile
_________________________
My Story of CSA
http://youtu.be/EJIlKCRL_6M

My Story of CSA: The Day God Entered My Heart
http://youtu.be/vpCWEp6u9zM

My Story of CSA: "Flashbacks" (Trigger Caution)
http://youtu.be/xLd5Fe-MxVM



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