hello all,

thank you in advance for listening & offering any words of wisdom. i am new here & this is my 1st post but i found this site last yr. here is my story (the short version):
last summer i met a wonderful man. (i am 58, he is 55) we were both immediately & intensely drawn to each other. we spent 15 hrs together walking, talking, getting to know each other. the following day we also got together. he told me that he wanted me in his life, we were both on cloud 9. that evening he told me (from nowhere it seemed) that he had been abused as a young teen for 1 yr by a man (in a position of 'trust'). my stomach flipped in pain for him. i felt hesitant to ask questions because i didn't want to pry. he told me he was falling in love with me. i felt likewise. we spent the night together without full intimacy (just kissing & holding - at his initiation). he was quite distraught the whole evening, & the following morning when he left (we had plans to meet again in a few days) he said 'should anything happen, it's not you'. i understood intuitively he was backing away.

he ignored my calls & a few days later called & said we needed to talk. on the phone he told me i was not right for him (for totally ridiculous reasons: i don't eat a certain food, i like to dress, i wasn't 'as passionate' about a certain music as he was. i was broken hearted.

i tried to forget him (saw & met other men) but cannot. i know love. & i know the immediate connection between us is real. i stopped writing/calling.

fast forward 10 months: i called him. he called back with such happiness & excitement in his voice. when we spoke he apologized for 'last year'. he said he was 'confused' & did only what he knew what to do - go away. he said he had so much to say to me. he said he missed me & could not, not think of me. he invited me to see him. we met & spent the whole day together. glorious. when we said goodbye he kissed me & held me close & tightly. we made plans to meet again. he called a few days later & has now done another vanishing act. if i could just forget him & walk away i would. but i do know how i feel about him (yes, yes, i know we did not spend much time together, but i do believe in the strength of feelings).

i have continued to drop him light emails, inviting him to events or just telling him about my day. no response. i believe that love is a rare & precious commodity not to be squandered. we enjoy each other so much & are so very much drawn to each other.

i know this is a silly question, but from all you out there. should i just walk away? i don't want to. i will try to encourage him to continue to see for as long as i can. i have shed many a tear, but not yet have they all flown.

please offer suggestions, opinions, reasons for his behavior, etc. i, myself, am confused & very sad. thank you.

He is not young, so it is reasonable to assme he is mature and not about to change. Sorry, I have no suggestions.

Protect your heart. But if you love him keep trying. Do it for yourself and know you may not be able to break through.

thanks jim

Hi Eos17 and welcome to MS!

I shall preface this with a bit about me, so you will know that my words come from a peer who's logged about as many miles as you: I am a 51 year old married woman, whose husband is a survivor. I am a mother and step-mother of seven grown children, grandmother of six, and with great shame admit to having two failed marriages before marrying my beloved at the age of 39.

Been there. Done that.

Sweet soul, there is nothing in your post that indicates an iota of sincerity on this man's part. His past abuse is relevant to where you are with him only because his disclosure is so off-the-charts atypical.

It takes the vast majority of survivors AGES and therapy to disclose abuse to those who love them most- if they ever do! The rest of that population is usually "forced" to disclosure after having wreaked destruction in their own lives and in the lives of those around them with addictive and compulsive behaviors, depression and suicide attempts, mental disorders such as multiple personalities (DID), etc. Disclosure isn't something a healthy and recovered survivor pops off with on a first date. This is a warning sign. Heed it!

He is not demonstrating healthy boundaries. Giving it all up on a silver platter immediately following, "Hello. Nice to meet you", is not healthy behavior. Falling off of the face of the earth immediately thereafter has red flags flapping in the breeze.

You, too, demonstrate unhealthy boundaries in continuing to reengage someone who does not take the initiative to continue a relationship with you. He does not take the initiative because he is unavailable. Believe what he is telling you!!! I am alarmed that he complied with your attempts to reengage him then repeated the same behaviors and disappeared again.

Warning Will Robinson! Warning!

Please believe what your head is telling you: FLEE! You don't love a real person; you love what you want this person to be. He is not available to you for a reason. Accept that disappointment, try to ascertain what in you needs filled, then go fill that need with healthy people who are available to enhance your life- not drain it.

I might suggest you Google "sex and love addiction". You may find some insight in any of the very good books available on this topic.

I am sorry for your heavy heart.

Wishing you peace, wisdom and true, healthy love-
herowannabe

hello herowannabe,

thank you VERY MUCH for your note. i did wonder if it was unusual that i was told about his abuse. i wondered if he just told everyone? but i am not sure i understand what you wrote - do you mean to say that perhaps he has not had the abuse?

well, i think that writing on this site was a big step for me to help clarify my thoughts & my emotions. my brain agrees with you (i have had many internal discussions with myself) that i didn't fall in love with a 'real person'. i see more of the wonderment of who he is than the whole picture. i think my mind is coming to terms with the dichotomy. i grew up a happy kid in a loving family & just felt such pain when he told me because i simply couldn't imagine what it was like. as a result, i know i made excuses for his behavior.
but the distance of 10 months & now reaching out to this forum is helping me. strangely enough, somehow just the fact that i wrote to you all here, has helped clarify certain issues within myself.
this is all new to me. & in fact, before i received your response, my mind was made up that it was time to move on. from what i know about life - one must help oneself. this goes for both me & for him.
thank you herowannabe, thank you very much for what you wrote to me.

hi eos17

Welcome to the site. My first response to you would be to run like hell and not look back.
So many people feel that they are strong enough to help survivors but it is a very very difficult road to help someone along.
Just read some of the heart breaking stories posted by some of the wives on this site, even my wife is a broken shell at this point of our lives. We were married for 20 years.
Eos. if you think that you are able to help this man and not get hurt in the process then do so, but if you cant NOT get involved emotionally then rather try and help from a distance.

Now to help from a distance then I would send him subtle links to sites like MS or AMSOSA and perhaps he might follow the link and start his healing. Right now you aren't together, so you have nothing to loose.
A thought just occurred to me. This man feels that he is damaged goods and although his heart is drawing him to you he feels that he needs to protect you. He probably doesn't want you to get hurt and this is why he disappears.

Feel fee to Pm me anytime I will try and help based on my experience.

Mainly look after yourself.

Heal well
Martin

No, I'm not necessarily saying that. But really, how would either of us, you or me, know for sure?

I agree with Whome, that you could help from a distance. Once. Don't make it your life's work! Just throw a life preserver out to him and let the professional rescuers pull him in. I know that sounds heartless, but the truth is that you don't have the training or equipment required to rescue him; you will only be pulled under by him and then there are two souls in need of saving.

There is no harm in assuming he was sexually abused IF you are maintaining healthy boundaries. Suggesting this site or even sending him the gift of a book on CSA, is not only a compassionate thing to do, but it will help satisfy what appears to be your need to help him. However, you would be well-advised to stop right there and move on with your life for all of the reasons you already know in your heart and head.

Hang in there, Eos!
herowannabe

hello herowannabe & whome,

thank you again for your thoughts & advise. after much thought i have decided to heed my head & not my heart. i had tried because i do believe in the power of love & whereas i know that 'one can lead a horse to water but not make it drink', i have also seen how true love can help people with their emotional problems. i needed to try.
you are right in saying that he is 'unavailable'.

i will consider whether or not i should send him a link to this site or book as mentioned. i wouldn't want to hurt / upset him...

well, thank you again & be well