Newest Members
Lumpy, squeekinby, rhyoung, Jefferson22, OxfordArms
12369 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
Avyi (49), cross29min (59), Dartel (50), ernie (70), flightmedic38 (40), jggab (42), kev (66)
Who's Online
2 registered (traveler, 1 invisible), 12 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12369 Members
74 Forums
63568 Topics
444128 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >
Topic Options
#394385 - 04/22/12 12:18 AM When do things get better?
GBWU Offline


Registered: 04/21/12
Posts: 17
I'm new to this site. I've been trying for weeks to find a place I can be open about what has happened to my family. My husband was raped by a woman and the assault resulted in a pregnancy. He made some terrible mistakes after the assault because he just could not come to grips with the assault. He couldn't believe what happened to him and he just didn't know what to do other than to pretend it didn't happen. Even when his world was falling apart all around him, he was living in denial.

The assault - my husband after a long day at work came back to his place (company paid apartment). Some of his co-workers came over to have some drinks with him and his roommate. About an hour after the group had been hanging out a lady, I'll call her Sharon, came by to hang out as well. My husband knows her. Sharon brought a friend with her; I'll call her Predator (name is fitting). About 30 minutes after the ladies were hanging out with the guys my husband excused himself because he realized he had way too much to drink. He knew he was drunk so he decided to go to bed which he did. As he was getting up to go to his bedroom, which is only a few feet away from the table were the group was sitting, the Predator offered to help him to his room. He said she took him by the wrist and helped him to his room and closed the door. At this time the whole group is leaving as well, so we know she left with the group.

At some point doing the night the Predator came back to my husband's apartment and to his bedroom and raped him. There is no easy way to say it...she raped him. He was incapacitated and she knew it and she raped him. He did not invite her in the room; she came in knowing what she intended to do. He told me he remembers snapshots of her face, but he is not able to get her off of him. He said it was like he was dreaming or something. Like he was not there. He said he remembers her saying just lie back because he was trying to get up. He knew something was wrong when he woke up the next morning and all he had on was a t-shirt. He said his heart felt pain and he felt something bad happened, but he did not know what to do. He's a man who is going to believe him. He thought it was a bad dream. He wanted to just forget about it.

Several weeks later Sharon, the lady he knows comes to his apartment and tells him the woman who raped him was pregnant. He said I told her that can't be we didn't do anything. At this point, he still is not dealing with the assault. He told Sharon my life is over. Sharon says nobody needs to know. During this time my husband is laid off and returns home to look for work. He is keeping all this from me. He receives a call from Sharon saying the Predator has had the baby. My husband made it clear to her that he did not care. At this point he still has not told a sole what has happened to him. Sharon is thinking he just had a drunken night of sex, but he does not have the strength to tell anybody, not even me. After the birth of the baby he starts to receive texts asking for money, etc. The predator starts the emotional blackmail. She is sending him pictures of this child and saying I don't want money, and then she does want money, etc. Just total control of this man and he is starting to go to a very, very dark place. The Predator then says just sign the birth certificate and you'll never hear from me again. I'll leave you alone. And guess what? He signed the birth certificate!!! He still does not have the ability to say to her you raped me. She is destroying my husband and I don't know anything about this and he is making some very bad decisions.

Because she was not getting what she wanted from my husband, she sends me pictures of the baby with a letter and copies of birth certificate, etc. My world as I knew it ended that day. Words can't describe my feelings as I opened what I thought was a birthday invitations for my kids. Yes, she went that far. The card was a take a look at me look inside type of card. My knees buckled and I called my husband. I hated every ounce of his being. I thought how you could you throw everything away. Of course I did not know the truth at that time. She provided her phone number and I called her. Something that struck me immediately was her extreme reaction. She was hysterical with crying, while I remained calm. She stated to me that GOD put us together and that it was her fault and begged me not to leave my husband. I thought something is very wrong here. This person is crazy. She was texting me for several hours that night and none of it made sense. What I did find amazing is that she never said you husband and I had been talking to each other. She never said he would come to my place or I would go to his. Nothing of that nature. My gut was telling me something was really wrong here.

I must confess I tried to kill my husband. I bloodied his nose and I punched him several times in the face, especially when he said what do you call it when a man takes advantage of a women. Well, I went ballistic. I said yeah a woman took advantage of you. She assaulted you or something like that. I will have to live with that for the rest of my life. He was trying to tell me what happened to him, but I reacted like society does. You must have liked it and a man can't be raped by a woman. It's not possible. I was so wrong.

My husband has tried to take his life twice that I know about. We are together, but we are going through so much. Its two people living in a daze. I ask GOD to give me the strength to deal with what's happened to him and to our family and to forgive him for making so many mistakes after his assault. What I have to keep in mind is that he was in a state of shock and disbelief. He said the shame and guilt he felt was something he could not deal with. He said I wanted it to all go away. My husband was this strong man who I thought could handle anything. She took all that away from him that night. He is talking to a counselor (found a free service) twice a week and we are seeking marriage counseling. We don't have money so it's been difficult to find services to help us. He is still suicidal and often says I want it all to stop. I want it all to end. I just beg him to think about his kids and that there is hope.

This evil woman is using her child to destroy my husband. She at one point started child support proceedings but dismissed them, but recently we received child support proceedings again. This second time something clicked with my husband. He said I have to deal with this and I have to talk about what's happened to me. We have decided to find an attorney (his parents will help with the costs) and fight this. He had no choice in what happened that night. It was not consensual. He did not know this evil person. He seen her around, but that was it. He did know she liked him by the way she would act when she would see him. Sharon confirmed that as well. She said yes, she did like him. The Predator knew what she was doing and we are certain she wanted to get pregnant. She wanted my husband and that night she went for it. Her comment to me was telling. I've never done this before.

It's going to be a hard road for us in the legal system, but we are going to fight this with all we have. We are also considering civil action as well. Right now we have to deal with the child support issue, and then we will deal with civil action. I'm not going to lie, I'm struggling staying with my husband, but in my heart I know I have to hang in there and forgive him for all his mistakes. I will never understand why he didn't tell me right away. We have (had) a very strong marriage. He said the fear of losing me was too much for him. He said I didn't know what to do. He thought trying to keep it from me was the best thing to do. That decision has taken a toll on him. He cries often and is suffering with deep depression. He said I feel like everybody is after me. He tries to describe the fear and panic he was experiencing, but he can't. He does tell me often that I did not do this, why did this happen to me. He asked her why she did this to him, but she feels she did nothing wrong. She has to continue the lie that it was consensual. I know it’s a long shot in the court system, but I told him it's a HUGE step for him. No more shame and hiding. No more guilt or fear. I told him NOBODY deserves to be raped NOBODY. He feels less than a man to me and a father to his children. He struggled tremendously with knowing he was aroused, but he understands now that he could not control that. Ejaculating does not mean consent.

I know this is long and I apologize for that, but it's already helped me tremendously. We were keeping this awful secret between us, but that was not healthy. His parents know and some of my family knows. We will not tell our children. We will shoulder the pain for them.

This woman has destroyed a man's life and family and brought a child into the world under the worst circumstances imaginable. I told my husband do not feel shame at all about not wanting anything to do with this child. He said if I had messed up and cheated on you and the woman was pregnant from that encounter, he said he would have to step up and take care of the child, but he said she raped me and now wants to keep destroying me with her child.

I never knew such awful things could happen in the world, but I know now. I've never felt so helpless, depressed, or felt such pain in my life, but I have to remember what I'm feeling is tenfold for my husband.

My husband was dealing with this by himself for over a year before I got the letter and pictures from the rapist. This is not about trying to get out of child support, this is about trying to save my husband's life.

Thank you all!

Top
#394396 - 04/22/12 01:41 AM Re: When do things get better? [Re: GBWU]
Pie Offline


Registered: 05/27/11
Posts: 61
Hi Girlfriend

Iam so sorry to hear your story. The pain and desperation is evident in your words, yet by the mere fact that you are on a site like this so soon means that there is so much hope for the future.

He will get better, your marriage can be restored to its former beauty. In my experiance it came when my husband realised that his abuse is not what defines him.

Love and care for him. And you need to take care of yourself for your childern, don't let this awfull incident be what defines you.

Today is the first day of a new beginning
Pie

Top
#394410 - 04/22/12 02:56 AM Re: When do things get better? [Re: GBWU]
GBWU Offline


Registered: 04/21/12
Posts: 17
Thank you for your kind words. We have a very long road ahead of us, but I think we can make it. I never in a million years would think this could happen to my husband, but it has and now it's part of our lives. The hardest part is trying to figure out what to do and how do we survive this. I think dealing with the child situation will help my husband tremendously. It will be the first step in a long process for him to feel somewhat normal again.

Thanks again for your support. My husband is not aware of this site. I'll bring it to his attention tomorrow. I think the male survivor forums might help him. I know his counselor has done a lot. I still fear coming home one day and finding him. All I can do is pray about it and try and find a way to save our marriage.

To this woman it was just sex, but she has no idea what she has done to another human being. This has opened my eyes. I will never see the world the same again.

Take care.

Top
#394468 - 04/22/12 03:24 PM Re: When do things get better? [Re: GBWU]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
HI GBWU

I am so sorry for you and your husband. It is a truly traumatic incident in your life.

This lady sounds a little crazy, but as Pie says don't let this define your life.
Your husband has to deal with a lot, firstly there is the belief that men cant be raped, then there is the feeling of disbelief that this happened to him, as well as the fear that you wont believe him, although you say you do there is always that nagging fear at the back of ones mind that you wont be believed. This fear is also evident in the fact that you don't want to tell anyone.
I don't know of any men on the site that have been raped as adults by a woman, I MAY be wrong, it is possible.
I pray that this has happened to someone here to make life easier for your husband.
Troll the history and search for people that have experienced this on the site, and then tell your husband about it, I fear that you will entrench the fears if there is no one else that has experienced this. I am not saying it hasn't happened to someone.

I pray that you find help, and peace in all this turmoil.

Heal well
Martin
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

Top
#394477 - 04/22/12 05:09 PM Re: When do things get better? [Re: whome]
GBWU Offline


Registered: 04/21/12
Posts: 17
Whome,

Thank you so much for your support. I told him about this site today, but I can tell he is hesitant and not sure he can discuss what happened to him. I think whenever we can discuss this with people who believe an adult male can in fact be raped, it will make his long struggle to gain a normal life easier. He did tell his brother who is in law enforcement. That took so much courage, but he knew he had to do it. He has come a long way and now knows people who love him believe him and will be with him every step of the way. And to your point of always fearing that nobody believes him, especially me, that is something he struggles with daily. Sometimes out of nowhere he'll say I didn't do this. Why has this happened to me? All I can do is comfort him and let him know that I believe him. My sister and brother-in law call him and tell him the same thing. My sister knows my husband is telling the truth and she also understands the fear that took over his life and that fear lead him to make some awful decisions. My husband signed the birth certificate without proof of paternity. The rapist contacted him and said just sign it and you'll never hear from me again. Well, a normal thinking person would know not to sign anything, but he was scared and in denial and took this crazy person's word for it. You asked him now why did he do that and he just shakes his head and says I can't believe I did that. I just wanted it to stop.

I would be fooling myself to say our marriage is not in shambles because it is, but for some reason I know things are going to get better. Once you stop hiding and living in fear, it gives you some sort of power to keep pushing forward. It might seem crazy for some on this site, but he is ready to face this woman in court regarding this child. He said it might not go in his favor and odds are it won't, but he can tell the truth about that night. One attorney we spoke to said are you really ready to discuss this in a court room and my husband said yes, for his sake and for his family’s sake. He said no more hiding in shame as if I deserved what happened to me. Remember he kept this from me for over a year.

I hope he changes his mind and takes a look at this site and tells his story. I think it will help him. Oh, great news, we found a family therapist!!! I'm so excited. Sounds odd that I'm excited, but I am. I'm ready to start the process of getting our lives back. It's going to be a long, long, long, struggle, but we have a beautiful family and my husband is a very good man and he deserves to be happy in spite of all that's happened to him. I want the day again where he is not thinking about taking his life, but enjoying his life. No more anger, fear, or self-hatred.

Top
#394480 - 04/22/12 05:31 PM Re: When do things get better? [Re: GBWU]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 415
There is at least one man raped by a woman as an adult--see adult sex assault section. Has your husband had a paternity test? In my state it used to be that if you signed the birth cert paternity didn't matter-you are the father but they just changed the law and you now have a short period of time to contest paternity. I only bring it up because from your description predator seemed intent on that and with just one encounter (a rape) it makes me suspicious.

There is increasing understanding of male rape by women although it is slow in coming. If u are in a major metro area, try the rape crisis center. I'm so sorry for you and your family.
_________________________
Wife of a survivor

Top
#394525 - 04/23/12 12:18 AM Re: When do things get better? [Re: GBWU]
GBWU Offline


Registered: 04/21/12
Posts: 17
GoodHope,

Thank you for the information. No, paternity test has not been taken yet. Are attorney will handle that and we have been told that legally, my husband is considered the father, but with the circumstances (did not consent to sex) we can fight. It's a long shot, but we have to do this to deal with it and start to heal. I think you are correct about predator wanting him to sign BC. He held it and that's when he got the text message. She knows how to use the system and I will not be surprised at all what comes out about this woman's background. My discussions with her I knew almost immediately that she was crazy and capable of doing anything.

We are in contact with the other female that was there that night and is willing to testify on what she saw. She called me and said yes, your husband realized he had too much to drink and he was drunk and he went to his room. She said he did nothing else other than go to his room. The predator she considered a friend. I told her she needs to consider who she is hanging around with. I would not have someone like that around my family. She told me the predator probably already thinks she has won and she might have, but the most important thing is that my husband heals from this. Yes, he put himself in a bad situation by getting drunk, but that's where it stops. He left the group and went to his room. Getting drunk does not mean come in apartment uninvited then my room and sexually assault me.

As we continue to talk about this we realize she knew she did something wrong that's why she didn't stick around after the assault. That's why she didn't personally tell him she was pregnant. That's why she didn't personally tell him she had the baby. I tried to trip her up when she was harassing me with her constant texts. I said others know what you did and her response was telling. She was quite concerned, but she had no idea I was just saying that, but my gut was saying something is very wrong here, especially my husband's response. Never, ever, seen him so distraught in my life. I can't explain how this has changed him. He was trying to deal with this on his own and she was simply blackmailing him and when I found out, he just lost it. I remember over a year ago he just started crying and I thought a family member had died or something or he was just depressed about being laid off, but it was the secret he was keeping from me. He almost told me then, but he just couldn't deal with it. Honestly, I don't know how he did it for that long. All that time he was blaming himself and giving her the power.

In case you are wondering how the predator could get in my husband’s apartment, his roommate would leave the door unlocked or sometimes even open. My husband would get on him constantly about it, but he didn’t care. The other female confirmed this to me as well that the door would often be unlocked or left open. Roommate also had a drug problem. The roommate also wanted to “get with” the predator—he liked her a lot. My sister told my husband not to rule out someone putting something in his drink that night or the predator giving him something to make him even more incapacitated when she came in the room. The way he described how he only remembers snap shots of her face and not being able to react does sound troubling. He was racking his brain trying to remember, especially for me, but it was too much.

Thanks again for the information. I will pass it along to my husband.

Top
#394562 - 04/23/12 04:30 AM Re: When do things get better? [Re: GBWU]
Jim1104 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/16/11
Posts: 409
Loc: Louisiana, USA
Hang in there. If it helps you and your husband, I totally believe he was raped. Tell him to come, read, hang out AND we do care. No question about it, he has friends in this place...and so do you. Hugs.
_________________________
Jim
Male/USA

Top
#394849 - 04/25/12 12:10 AM Re: When do things get better? [Re: GBWU]
GBWU Offline


Registered: 04/21/12
Posts: 17
Jim -- your support means a great deal to us. I would not come to this site and post my husband's story if it were not true. I'm not a niave wife. I didn't wake up one day and say to myself oh he was raped by this woman and that was that. Didn't happen. Hell, I don't like to admit to this, but I didn't think a man could be raped but they can and it happends. Unfortunately, society still thinks differently and how depressing that must be for survivors.

Top
#394874 - 04/25/12 01:34 AM Re: When do things get better? [Re: GBWU]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
GBWU.

I read in your one post about openness and honesty.

The thing with this Black mail, (which is what this crazy loon is trying) is that it thrives because of the secrecy.
You are so right when you say that it becomes more manageable once the secret is out.

Dis-empower her by being honest and open.

I know it is tough, but admirable that you are sticking with your husband. Make sure that you are also getting attention, surround yourself with people that care and understand, so that you can sometimes escape to a place of peace and get away from the madness.

Heal well
Martin
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

Top
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.