- Getting as present to the present moment as possible - Living in the NOW, being present to my feelings and learning about what these feelings are. This is a challenge to undertake, but well worth it. The more present I am with my feelings and with others, the more able I am to relate to others and to trust myself. If I'm numbing myself out with substances or behaviors (you know what they are), I need to work on letting these go. As long as I'm numbing myself, I'm not present to the moment.

- Learning how to love myself - This means following my heart, doing what I've always dreamed of doing. Accepting all of me, my foibles, my character flaws (which are survival mechanisms), and learning to love the good that is within me. Honoring the values I have. I have integrity, strength, perseverance, insight, wisdom, compassion, empathy. If I don't know how to love myself, I will seek guidance and look for ways to Learn How. This is SO incredibly important.


- Letting go of the need to be RIGHT - This means that whenever I struggle with someone else who might be being an asshole, I need to check in with myself emotionally. The need to be RIGHT is driven by ego and driven by the need to feel safe. I *am* safe. I don't NEED to be right. Letting go of the need to be RIGHT allows me to let go of pursuing conflicts, or trying to correct other people's behaviors. This will give me a more peaceful coexistance with those I am around.

- Opening up and sharing what is inside - Only in the sharing what is in my heart and in my head will I know how to start building relationships with trust and intimacy. I can't do this by reading books or just doing therapy. I have to take risks and start talking to people about whats inside me. I will make mistakes and take risks with the wrong people. I am human. But I will never learn if I don't try. I *have* to open up. Jesus said "The truth shall set you free." THIS is what he meant - OPEN UP and LET OTHERS IN.

- Reconnecting to the inner child - This isn't a bunch of psycho new age gobbly goop. I used to think so. But I've had the experience of reconnecting with the child within. By doing things that I love, and reconnecting with things I loved as a child. I got a dog. I've signed up for taking hang gliding lessons. I've always fancied myself flying in the skies. I loved Superman as a child. Doing these things connects me to my heart, and connects me to inspiration, to hope, to dream. To take risks. This is who we are as human beings. We're dreamers, and we take risks. This is how we grow. It comes from that natural spark we all were born with - curiosity and risk taking to pursue our curiosity.

- Seeking professional help from a qualified therapist/support group - This means pursuing therapists who specialize in male survivors of sexual abuse. This means connecting with 12 step (or whatever program) support groups and embedding myself with others who are also struggling to overcome their CSA issues. ASCA is one such group. Alanon 12 step (with a focus on adult survivors) is another group.

- Choosing to act and think differently - This is challenging. I spent most of my life beating myself up. Hating myself. Thinking I was retarded. A friend in 12 step program helped me to see that I can develop a relationship with the "inner critic" inside, and to know the purpose of the inner critic. He suggested that I give my inner critic a cartoon personification based on its function. After much thinking and asking questions of my inner critic, I realized its function is to try to provoke and evoke PITY. So I named my inner critic EEYORE (from winnie the pooh). And ever since then, the inner critic in my head has all but disappeared. And any time EEYORE makes his presence known in my thoughts, I remind him who he is, thank him for doing what he's done, and let him know he's not needed right now. I haven't spiraled into a horrible depression in months.


Healing is possible!

D

Good stuff, Magellan!
shows really profound understanding and growth
gonna print this out and keep it handy for an easily accessible reminder.
Thank you for writing this and sharing it with us.
Lee

Magellen

I sense real growth and a real basis in alanon. Its great to read and I am going now on a regular basis and finding it to be of great assistance. Thanks for you post and your recent support for my attendance in that group.

.

This is so great and powerful D, it goes directly to "save as"!
Thanks man !
Healing is possible!!!!
Pero

*

I really can't let go of the need to be right. I don't know if I would call it a feeling of sexual violation, but it does feel like I'm being violated which would trigger me to react strongly, so it's hard for me as well.

I love this thread, its so positive, your voyage has come so far. Your easing down the road is so inspirational to the rest of us.

The having to be right all the time, wow that was so me. My father even told my wife that before we were married. He warned her it always has to be my way. He was wrong of course,lol.

When my wife and I separated, there was an issue with my son, she had her idea and then i told her what i was going to do. She said i could but then offerred why she wouldnt. I thought for a second, and said " ya your right, your's is a better idea". She just about dropped the phone. It was a first.

Only after lots of T, group and the WoR was I able to breath and really hear others without being so defensive I just didnt/ couldn't listen.

Great post

cheers
grant

Thanks, everyone!

Yes "the need to be RIGHT" is a very difficult one for me, still. But someone broke it down during a share in an Alanon meeting.

He said "I feel like I need to be right because I feel like I am not safe. But the truth is, I *AM* safe. My NEED is to be safe, not to be right. Once I realize that I *AM* safe, I don't NEED to be right."

It's so true. We NEED to be safe, not right. If ever I feel like I need to be RIGHT, I check in with myself and see if I'm safe. If I'm safe, then I work on letting go of the need to be right.

"It's better to be happy, than right" is a popular 12 step slogan. Following this allows me to have better interactions with people, even people who are total assholes. Makes MY life more pleasurable to know that I am being more mature than they are.

D

How ironic the truth that being right can sometimes be wrong.