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#394422 - 04/22/12 08:31 AM Re: need to take a serious look [Re: Chase Eric]
Obi Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1276
Loc: kansas
Originally Posted By: Chase Eric
Worth reviewing, directly from the site guidelines (emphasis is mine)...

Quote:
First and foremost, adults (age 18 and up) who use the MS website must realize that this is a place that wishes to promote healing and not chaos. It is not a substitute for therapy and should not be used as a place to vent unprocessed emotions without regard to the effect doing so would have on others. It is a place where questions can be asked and stories shared for the benefit of all rather than reactions that serve to confuse, scare and rob the site of its safety. It is a place where people can take risks to explore issues that require the understanding and support of other brother survivors.

It seems pretty clear to me that indulging in arguments is neither in the interests of survivor participants nor compatible with site guidelines. We all implicitly agree to this whenever we post.

There are ways to phrase disagreements along these lines so that they become productive and enlightening discussions rather than personal attacks that serve to upset the poster and the readers. It takes some style but it can be done.

I would suggest that we never forget the often tremendous courage it takes to put ourselves and our feelings up here for all to see. In my opinion, each and every reader - before they respond - should consider that fragility and vulnerability of the person they are responding to, and if that reader cannot respond along the guidelines here, then they should either express their concerns in a PM (to the poster or to a moderator) - or not at all.

Seems simple enough to me, at least.



agreed...

but for some reason it happens regardless....

why?



since i've started this thread i've had several people tell me that they hardly come here anymore because of a lot of the hostility on here...

*shakes head*.....

that's not good...

i know that we all have our own personalities... our own way of looking at things...

i just feel that there are ways of stating our views without putting others down.... we all need to be more supportive....
_________________________
live another day. climb a little higher.

my story

my vlog

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#394426 - 04/22/12 09:03 AM Re: need to take a serious look [Re: Obi]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Obi, think about it. Most, if not all, are emotional cripples that come here. Some of us, like me, are at the end of our ropes. I personally was suicidal in December through a bunch of February to be completely honest. A few people on here certainly did help matters being downright assholes to me on top of it. One thing I've noticed on here, which is ridiculous, is this--if you disagree or offer a different perspective (to certain users or a hot button issue), don't even post or you'll get pounced on. I used to post a lot, now I post very little. If I had a good T, I probably wouldn't spend any time here period. In fact, go to my first few days/posts here (10/31/2011-11-1-2011), and you'll find nobody even noticed I was alive. I'm about ready to dump MS altogether for the 3rd time.
_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

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#394431 - 04/22/12 09:34 AM Re: need to take a serious look [Re: Obi]
EdfromNYC Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/18/10
Posts: 233
Loc: New York City
I put my trust in the moderators to deal with issues that come up among posters.

People come on here in all states of being - some very angry, some very scared and all ranges in between. We are not all the same, we don't all share the same experience, we don't all share the same points of view. There are republicans, democrats, independents, US residents, European residents, S. African residents (and probably other countries represented as well), old, young, in-between, gay, straight, bi, questioning, incredibly sensitive, incredibly insensitive, etc. Those are just SOME examples of differences. There are so many more and even within each man there can be those conflicts.

That makes for A LOT, A LOT of potential confusion and disagreement amongst people. I look at it this way - its surprising how little disagreement there is considering how many different men with different experiences and different backgrounds come on here to share their feelings and to get and give help.

I, myself, have learned to move away from the computer when I, me, not the other guy(s), get agitated and to move on. I've had disagreements on here and then had the opportunity to work through it and find a new way of looking at things.

Personal attacks are a separate matter. If someone is attacking personally, get a moderator. If there is disagreement and it lacks civility, get a moderator. If there is simply heated disagreement, that's okay by me. We're all grown men and will disagree.

Personally, I don't like anyone telling me how this site is supposed to be beyond what the organizers tell me. I also don't agree that this is some incredibly safe place. I think its safe but only up to a point. Its still cyberspace with a lot of room for misinterpretation and that weird sort of latent internet hostility that can arise unlike in person.

Safety is more one on one, pm'ing maybe or personal connections. I know that I'm not the same person I was since I came on here; I've mellowed, I'm not "addicted" to reading posts and I allow for newcomers to come on here as fully scared, traumatized, angry men who are seeking an outlet for their confusion and isolation and it will be messy. I accept it.


Edited by EdfromNYC (04/22/12 09:38 AM)
_________________________
And more, much more, the heart may feel,
Than the pen may write or the lip reveal.
Winthrop Mackworth Praed

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#394434 - 04/22/12 09:49 AM Re: need to take a serious look [Re: Obi]
Obi Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1276
Loc: kansas
phoenix,

i have thought about it...

and as i've stated a few times now... everyone is entitled to their own opinions, views and so on.... everyone is entitled to share them as well...

but there are ways to disagree with others views without putting them down...

i quote the dalai lama:

"our prime purpose in this life is to help others. and if you can't help them, at least don't hurt them."





wise words spoken.

i've been speaking to a person on fb that flat out refuses to post here, and hasn't for a long time now, because he's tired of all the attacks that have been happening. he's seen one of his fellow survivor brothers here get ripped to shreds, in a now deleted thread, that took place in another section of this board. he couldn't believe the hostility this survivor was getting from others. thankfully, the mods got rid of that thread quickly..

but why?

i saw that thread he was referring to... this older gentleman survivor, got ripped up one side and down another for only sharing his story...

he didn't deserve that kind of treatment. he wasn't replying to anyone else... he started a thread and shared some of his story.. then got blasted for it.... he was only looking for support and to not feel so alone... instead he got shredded....

you say that there have been some people that have treated you badly on here... shouldn't have happened to you either... i don't want you to leave ms... i want you to stay and get the help and support you need and, hopefully, help in making ms a place that is safe for all.

i ask that you please stay...
_________________________
live another day. climb a little higher.

my story

my vlog

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#394475 - 04/22/12 04:25 PM Re: need to take a serious look [Re: Obi]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 741
Loc: michigan
hi
I just felt I need to share something here. I know that haven't been here that long, but I have found this site to be a great place for healing and everyone has been so kind to me here. That being said I think that sometimes as I find myself somewhat freed to open and share in this place, I can find myself over extended. kinda outside my comfort zone. It is possible for me to begin to forget that anything can look like a threat. I guess as I listen and read the horrors that have taken place in so many lives that I am not alone. perhaps as we share with one another, we may look to our own fears and insecurities as triggers for these conflicts. though it has yet to happen to me,personally I know that each of us here is hear with a drive to heal. that is a HUGE challenge and I know that my brothers have strength for the task. just a thought
Jeff
_________________________
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville

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#394479 - 04/22/12 05:17 PM Re: need to take a serious look [Re: Smalltown80sBoy]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1540
"I can actually come here and talk about my abuse and nobody asks me "why didn't you fight back" or "maybe you asked for it" or some other blame the victim stuff that I hear everywhere else. People don't tell me here that I should snap out of it or any of that other nonsense.

I come here because I am accepted as I am and my recovery is moving a little better and faster because of it. Today somebody sent me a text complimenting me and I actually felt that he meant it. I don't know if this is a permanent thing but I think this may be the first time someone paid me a compliment and I didn't question their sincerity."


These words hit me--you are so right--this is why we come here, to be heard and not judged. We all have suffered the unthinkable, and many outside of this forum will utter those words-why did you allow it, why don't you sue and get money, get over it, abuse does not make you want to do things, you are a liar and so on. I can hear that from others who have not experienced the brutality of the rape or the fear of speaking about what was done. Here we can speak, not to be judged because we all had our childhood robbed from us and how we coped with the act is different for each of us--we hurt ourselves, we hurt others, we were confused about who we are and the list goes on. But to speak and feel safe without judgment allows us to get the poison out and heal and be who we are meant to be--valued human beings who deserve happiness, joy and trust. I agree with Smalltown89sBoy, let's keep this place safe and free from making anyone feel unwelcome--we should listen and provide support as so many of you have done for me. I too, am forever grateful for this forum--I would not be here if it was not for this place and all the people with hearts and minds so open to help the wounded heal. I know where to find the closed minded and hearted so let us continue to support each other.

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#394510 - 04/22/12 10:48 PM Re: need to take a serious look [Re: Obi]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Sent PM.


Edited by phoenix321 (04/22/12 10:49 PM)
Edit Reason: edit
_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

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#394517 - 04/22/12 11:39 PM * [Re: phoenix321]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/28/13 05:25 PM)

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#394519 - 04/22/12 11:48 PM * [Re: EdfromNYC]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/28/13 05:25 PM)

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#394520 - 04/22/12 11:49 PM * [Re: phoenix321]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/28/13 05:27 PM)

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