At 4 I was shamed by 3 older sisters for wanting to place my genitals on the pix of naked pygmies in Nat'l Geographic. They started calling me "sex maniac" and saying how they were going to tell EVERYONE that I was a pervert. Later that year, I was raped the first time by a male neighbor, and again by him near his house. All the while, another sister was abusively teasing and torturing me when she was "babysitting" me. And when I'd freak out and want to beat on her after she'd pushed me too far, she'd call my mom and convince her I was the one to blame. And so it went.

We moved to a remote part of Northern CA where there were no kids my age, so I became a bit of a hermit, despite being social and gregarious. I became friends w/ other boys nearby that I didn't really even LIKE, but b/c they were there, so it went. My folks are 41 yrs older, so they were checked out and done w/ parenting after raising 7, of which I'm the youngest. My dad was vacant, physically there but not one to teach me anything, like how to fight or stick up for myself, or how to use the chain saw. He'd just act totally disappointed if I don't already know how to do things. So I went internal. Lonely as all get-out.

Memories of the abuse came up after being dormant for 33 yrs. I'm 47 now and have been involved in therapy and the like for a # of years, including 22 yrs sober in AA. 23 come May. Here's something I wrote recently that sums up where I"m at:

Been reading “Iron John” and it’s hitting me at the masculine core. A few things in particular that are striking include the last thing I read before I went off to sleep and man-related dreams, “We can rise above the shame of having an alcoholic father by adding fuel secretly to our grandiose rocket, pulling away from the family, riding it upward on that fuel. Or we can sink down into the shamed child, become him, be no one else, live in our secret unworthiness, lose our king, and become a slave. There is a pleasure in becoming a slave. Then we can turn into an addict, and never be in charge of our own life, and shame ourselves further.” I am a fatherless man who took the internal, depressed path. A victim-child at 47.

I’m learning that amnesia, forgetfulness, oblivion, an ocean of oblivion sweeps over a child when he is shamed. There is no blame for that kind of oblivion. It means we’ve been entranced, living for years in a trance. And THAT is what it feels like when I’m looking at porn, playing solitaire on the computer for hours on end: I’m in a trance, not really there. My father’s absence, maybe even his cowardice, combined w/ my mother’s running of the household “culture” and the sexual abuse left me completely entranced. And I had no strong older male looking out for me, looking up to me, holding me up, displaying any concern. So I became convinced that they didn’t care. About ME, making it somehow personal and “about” me. When it was their own trance, their own cowardice, their own distance from what was going on. It was easier to stay entranced.

As a result I was orphaned, in a way. I didn’t feel connected to the people I was around at all, so I decided to go into the darkness inside alone, terrified. And I’ve never emerged. Until now.

thanks for reading

Welcome to MS dear Phineas
Sorry that we meet here because obviously you have had some terrible experience which left some scars and brought you here...
Anyway your introduction is wonderful testimony of some your fight. I have to congratulate you for 23 years of sobriety, that is great accomplishment, just go further with same attitude !
Take some time and learn what resources are available here to us survivors. There are couple ways to make connection to brothers here, from posting and sharing to chat. We also have moderated chats called Healing Circles. They meet on Sunday and Wednesday evenings at 9pm eastern time and one on Tuesday at 19:00 UTC (European and African time zone).
Please feel completely at home and share as much as possible with us!
Be well!
Pero

Welcome, Phineas!

There is lots of wisdom and understanding in your intro. You are well on the way...

the parts i quoted above speak to me personally especially - but this is not about me - just wanted you to know that there are others here who can relate to your struggle.

good to have you among us. not so good that you need to be with us. but keep joining in - it will help with your healing - and ours.

thanks for posting.
Lee

Hi Phineas,

Welcome out of the darkness.

As you can see, you are not alone.

I am happy you have found this place of healing.




Anomalous

Welcome my friend. I am grateful for you sharing your heart with us.

Jim

Welcome Phineas.
I am glad that you found a place here at Male Survivor. I am sorry that you had been abused, however I am glad that you reached out and found support here.

Dennis

Thx much, Pero. I appreciate the welcome and look forward to connecting here.

P

thanks for the welcome, Jim. Look forward to connecting here

P

Welcome Phineas, you're awesome and I can't thank you enough for the helpful advice you gave me in the chat room. That thanks also goes out to all of the guys here. Everyone has been a great big huge help. Thanks!