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#394249 - 04/20/12 02:42 PM Survivor? * Possible Triggers*
LouLou Offline


Registered: 04/20/12
Posts: 37
Hi I'm new here and don't know where to begin.

My husband and i have been together 9 years, married for 5. I've always felt he has been emotionally disconnected from me. He has always been reluctant to talk about feelings or anything 'deep'. This has lead to me asking him many questions...
After we were married, i discovered he was addicted to porn. There was denial, lies etc but eventually i found out he would spend hours sometimes on a daily basis to view it. He would even skip meals! This lead to more questions and more lies.
To cut a long story short, I found out last year that he had a problem with compulsive masturbation. It could happen multiple times a day where ever he was. The habit got so bad, he did it at work while risking getting caught. He's masturbated whilst driving home from work on several occasions. Of course these admissions were horrifying to me because of the risks he was taking.

The final admissions from my husband have come out only in the last few months. In 'fantasy mode', he has sexually thought of his sister, his aunts, my little sister, my mother, all of my friends. On a day to day basis he says that he views ALL women as sex objects. Those at work, those when we go out ANYWHERE in public. When not in public, and when masturbating, he says that he thinks of ANYONE that comes to mind. This is devastating to me as he has never been able to initiate sex with me. When it happens, my husband seems very cold and 'mechanical' and tries to get it over with as quickly as possible. And i'm really not a bad-looking girl!! Of course i understand this is not because of me, but there are SERIOUS issues here. It may sound strange, but if i didn't want to hear the honest truth then i would not have asked so many questions! He has sought help for sex addiction but no one has been able to help tackle this yet.

I have recently started to wonder whether he could have been abused. He says he doesn't remember any abuse but also doesn't remember large chunks of his childhood.

I just think this sexually-based mental degradation of ALL women doesn't just come from nowhere. Is he trying to bring women down in his mind as a control thing? To feel more powerful somehow?

Thank God i found this site. I just wonder if any of you could give me some advise as to what you think?

Kind regards to you all.

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#394272 - 04/20/12 07:47 PM Re: Survivor? * Possible Triggers* [Re: LouLou]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
Welcome to MS, LouLou-

Wow. Pretty much everything you've described in your husband describes mine. That's sad new for you and me, but the good news is that we have plenty of company! wink

Many, I daresay MOST, survivors develop dysfunction surrounding sexuality. The ways the dysfunction manifests are multiple and varied, but like with all addictions, they demonstrate a pattern of progression. I'm no therapist, but a porn addiction that escalates into a masturbation addiction that morphs into an increasing fixation on sexualizing all women- even those in roles that would make them sexually taboo, indicate a progression of the addiction.

I would actually be surprised if your husband does not have CSA in his past. Furthermore, I would not be surprised to learn that he has either blocked out the abuse, or can not bring himself to disclose it.

Many of the good survivors here can suggest methods for uncovering the abuse, but your beloved would, of course, have to be 100% on board with the process. I hope those good men will jump in with suggestions and advice because I think it might be almost futile to treat a sexual addiction without getting to whatever triggered/triggers the compulsions.

Godspeed, sweet soul! I wish you peace and wisdom!

herowannabe
_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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#394315 - 04/21/12 02:42 AM Re: Survivor? * Possible Triggers* [Re: LouLou]
LouLou Offline


Registered: 04/20/12
Posts: 37
Thanks herowannabe for your reply,

I forgot to mention that my husband has been a compulsive masturbator since he was a young teen. He said he would sometimes do it on the top deck of busses if no one else was up there at around age 13.

Also i noticed, that the only female he said he has not thought of in a sexual manner, is his mother...I found that thought-provoking, but maybe i'm reading too much into that one.


Thanks again for your support. It's great to talk with people who share my experiences!

LL

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#394318 - 04/21/12 03:15 AM Re: Survivor? * Possible Triggers* [Re: LouLou]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1736
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Wow LOULOU

There are so many questions here.
Firstly welcome to the site, and sorry that you need to be here.
My first advice to the new ladies is to Work on the things that you can control, in other words YOU. Work on building yourself up, and make sure that you are not in a Co-Dependant relationship. From the sounds of things you Probably are. There is a Book that you need to get yourself and that is "Co-Dependant" no more, Im sure that the ladies here are able to give you more reading material.

Now as for the Husband. It sounds like he possibly may have had S.A (Sexual abuse" in his past, but it is not a guarantee. One thing that I can recommend for him at this stage is Mike Lews Book LEAPING OF MOUNTAINS.
Mikes book is a collection of survivors stories, perhaps it will help to juggle some memories loose in your H. Just remember that sexual compulsions are not always the product of sexual abuse, but the probabilities are high that they are, but you need to keep and open mind.

If you are Christian and your husband is a Christian then the book By Ted Roberts Called PURE DESIRE is a good one, hell even if he is not a Christian it is a good book and may give him some insight into his behaviour. BTW it is thought that 42% of the pastors in the States are porn addicts so this is a huge problem. Teds book deal specifically with Porn addictions and Masturbation.

There are so many things that you can do to help your Husband but it is the start of a long painful process if he does begin healing, and this is where you need to be a strong person You must make sure that you are able to dissociate yourself from the healing and not take things personally. It sounds impossible, but we need to strengthen you.

Lou Lou. I hope that I was able to give you some helpful insight and information, if you need to contact me you are most welcome to PM me any time.

Look after yourself.
Heal well
Martin
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#394407 - 04/22/12 02:21 AM Re: Survivor? * Possible Triggers* [Re: LouLou]
LouLou Offline


Registered: 04/20/12
Posts: 37
Thanks for the advise Martin,

There are many other issues which i have not mentioned such as childhood memories that my husband does have. There were scenarios between he and his mother or sister that i just found strange to say the least.
I don't know whether he's blocking anything out or not. That's for the psychiatrist to work out...
Thanks for the book suggestions. I'll be sure to do some reading for myself.
Take care
LL

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#395038 - 04/26/12 08:24 AM Re: Survivor? * Possible Triggers* [Re: LouLou]
LouLou Offline


Registered: 04/20/12
Posts: 37
This is all just so frustrating!!!!
My husband refuses to believe that anyone could have done anything (because he doesn't remember) and almost infers that all blokes behave like he does! My husband is a pilot for a British airline...is it commonplace for pilots to masturbate occasionally at the controls of an airborne aircraft with 200 passengers behind you, while the other pilot has to visit the bathroom??????

This is EXTREME risky behaviour.

Anyone have any similar stories of risk-taking in order to feed compulsive masturbation???

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#395185 - 04/27/12 11:13 AM Re: Survivor? * Possible Triggers* [Re: LouLou]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
Quote:
My husband refuses to believe that anyone could have done anything (because he doesn't remember) and almost infers that all blokes behave like he does! My husband is a pilot for a British airline...is it commonplace for pilots to masturbate occasionally at the controls of an airborne aircraft with 200 passengers behind you, while the other pilot has to visit the bathroom??????

This is EXTREME risky behaviour.

Anyone have any similar stories of risk-taking in order to feed compulsive masturbation???


Oh, yeah...! The shear insanity of the act is a hallmark of sexually addictive/compulsive behavior! Actually, the utter madness of my husband's secret behaviors and actions are what convinced me that he was very sick and needed help instead of writing him off as a philanderer!

Your husband's denial and attempts to minimize and rationalize his actions is yet another hallmark of addiction. Perhaps he would prove his rationale to you by allowing you to discuss his in-flight behavior with his boss??? Yeah...I didn't think so.

You may be in a position that will demand you take extreme action to get him the professional help he needs. Will an ultimatum to leave him unless he agrees to see a counselor (trained in sexual addictive disorders) do the trick or will you have to take an even more aggressive approach? Only you, with the direction of a competent counselor, will know. But action must be taken right away IMO.

www.sexhelp.com may help you find a qualified counselor for him AND for you, too. Additionally, I found much education and support at www.recoverynation.com.

I wish you wisdom and the courage to do whatever wisdom whispers to you!

herowannabe
_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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#395196 - 04/27/12 12:25 PM Re: Survivor? * Possible Triggers* [Re: LouLou]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6596
Loc: Never Sugar Mountain
LouLou,

Without more evidence, I (personally) cannot confirm or eliminate any possibilities of CSA. All I know is that sexual dysfunction of this magnitude can come from many sources.

However, I personally know some 'compulsives' from childhood that grew into this type of behavior from early-adolescent use of pornography. Their sexual dysfunction in live-human relationships sound very much the same as what you describe.

I have also read in places that it is a somewhat treatable condition.
_________________________
Objects In Mirror are Less Than They Appear.

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#395212 - 04/27/12 04:18 PM Re: Survivor? * Possible Triggers* [Re: LouLou]
Anomalous Offline
Greeter Coordinator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 03/07/10
Posts: 1354
Hi LouLou,

Welcome to MS. I am happy you have found this place of healing.

The fact that your husband cannot "remember" a lot of his childhood coupled with his compulsive behaviors and his objectfication of women, strongly suggests that there was sexual abuse in his life.

You commented that he doens't initiate sex with you. In his mind, you are "pure, unblemished" and he wants to keep you that way. He objectifies those with whom he doesn't have a close emotional connection (if any) and, therefore, when he fantasizes about them, the fact that they are equated with the "dirtiness" of sex doesn't bother him.

But his love for you keeps him from wanting you to be touched by that "dirtiness." In his own way, he is protecting you from the abuse he endured, and from the terrible way he feels about himself.

The compulsive masturbation and watching of pornography are to numb himself from the pain he feels. In some ways, he might even be re-creating the abuse he endured without realizing it.

If you are not yet in therapy you need to do so. Your husband also needs his own therapist. A therapist trained in trauma and/ or sexual abuse will best suit your needs. You might find the Consumers Guide to Therapist Shopping useful. It gives you a list of questions to ask of a potential therapist. Not all of the questions might apply to your situation, but it is a good guide. It helps take some of the anxiety and fear out of the first phone contact with a therapist so you don't forget what it is you wanted to ask.

Whether or not your husband goes to therapy, you need to go. You need to heal from his past and his behavior, as much as he needs to heal from the abuse he endured. You have every right to heal.

As much as you love your husband, you cannot do this for him. No one can do this work for him. He has to decide that he no longer wants to live with the pain and that he wants to find a way of feeling better, in a healthy sense, not by numbing himself with pornography and sexual fantasy.

There are many books that you might find helpful. Some are written for the significant others of those who have been abused, and some are written for the person who has been abused. I am certain that those who post in this forum will be more than happy to share the titles of the books they found helpful. You can find the link to the bookstore on the homepage here.

To put it bluntly, you need to set limits with your husband about the behavior you consider to be unacceptable, ie. his risk taking behavior while driving or piloting. There are consequences for unacceptable behavior. These are not punishments, nor are they forms of blackmail. It is unacceptable for him to jeopardize his job, his life, or the lives of others. But only set limits and consequences if you are prepared to follow through with them.

Loving him means setting limits which, hopefully, will get him to see that therapy is the way to deal with his pain. If he chooses not to deal with this in a healthy manner, he will be suffering alone. This is not an act of cruelty or selfishness, it is an act of love.

You may want to leave information about this site for him. Sometimes it takes people a long time before they join the site. Some will read without ever joining, and some find what is here to be too triggering.

Whether or not your husband chooses to take positive steps toward healing from his experiences, you need to heal from them, and from him. Hopefully he will choose to grow with you, rather than apart from you. But it has to be his choice.

Dealing with this stuff is not easy, not for the survivor, and certainly not for the person who loves him. But it can and does get better. A lot of energy and committment is required to achieve the desired results.

Your husband is using pornography to keep from feeling. That is very common. None of us wants to feel the pain from the memories.

The truth is, he survived the worst part of this. And while the memories and feelings may be painful and unpleasant, they are just that -- memories and feelings, and they cannot harm him.

This is not to say they do not hurt, they most certainly do. But numbing himself and trying to suppress everything isn't working. The only way to get the pain to stop is to do the work in therapy.

It will be a rough road for each of you, but the rewards are immeasurable.

One of the things you need to do is self care. . You need to eat well, exercise and do things that are not trauma related. You need to have a support system that does not focus on the issues. You also need to have activities that you can do independent of your partner.

You have all of us here. If you have not found it yet, there is also a chat room (aka: the lounge) which includes a room just for friends and family.

The best way to support him is to get yourself help and to be healthy.




Anomalous
_________________________
Acceptance on someone else's terms is worse than rejection.

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#398320 - 05/24/12 04:41 PM Re: Survivor? * Possible Triggers* [Re: LouLou]
LouLou Offline


Registered: 04/20/12
Posts: 37
Thanks everyone for your responses.

My husband has been seeing a Psychiatrist for about five weeks now and just yesterday, the doctor said that while he cannot say whether or not there was sexual abuse, he did state that my husband exhibits signs of PTSD from some kind of childhood trauma. He still says he doesn't remember anything but refuses to accept that some of the family behaviour that went on during his growing up, was unhealthy. I have suggested this forum to him but he is not interested as he feels he has "nothing in common" with anyone here. I have read enough to believe he has an awful lot in common! I think he just doesn't want to face this right now and is desperate for a Therapist to tell him that his current behaviours are completely normal and acceptable. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink, right?
I wanted to thank all of you for your advice and support. All of you on here are very brave and ought to be very proud of yourselves.

God Bless.

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#398372 - 05/25/12 02:44 AM Re: Survivor? * Possible Triggers* [Re: LouLou]
Anniemy4sons Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/29/11
Posts: 98
Loc: NJ
Loulou... go with your gut. your instincts don't lie. trust them and always trust yourself. That my dear is the divine talking to you for your protection and his healing. I bet my last dollar he is a victim of CSA, (you don't get to become a survivor until you do something!)

Don't let him off the hook. Think of if this way, if you are correct and he was abused. Then pressuring him can only help. Establish some boundaries, get him to agree to go to therapy. Find a therapist that know EMDR. IT WORKS.! MY H IS LIVING PROOF.
Please don't delay, the longer you wait, the longer you both wait for a better life. Just remember... buckle up. YOU R IN 4 A NASTY BUMPY RIDE!!!!!
_________________________
God is my teacher, Jesus my comfort and the Holy Spirit my protector.
I AM Listening...

Thank you Mother Mary.
Pray the Rosary every day. http://www.comepraytherosary.org/

I BELIEVE IN HER PROMISE.

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#398387 - 05/25/12 07:50 AM Re: Survivor? * Possible Triggers* [Re: LouLou]
LouLou Offline


Registered: 04/20/12
Posts: 37
It's funny that you should mention EMDR because my husband's psychiatrist has referred him to a psychotherapist who specialises in EMDR!
We'll see how that goes.
In the meantime, i just wish my husband would be willing to do some reading. He bought a few books that were recommended on this site actually, but sadly hasn't even opened any of them. I don't want to keep saying "Maybe you could do some reading". He just doesn't seem interested.

Thanks again folks.

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#398399 - 05/25/12 11:07 AM Re: Survivor? * Possible Triggers* [Re: LouLou]
eyesforward Offline


Registered: 03/13/11
Posts: 92
Loc: Ontario
LouLou I've seen "motivational interviewing" suggested as a method of supporting survivors in taking a step forward when the step seems overwhelming or fear-inducing. I think I read about it on 1in6.

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#398402 - 05/25/12 02:37 PM Re: Survivor? * Possible Triggers* [Re: LouLou]
LouLou Offline


Registered: 04/20/12
Posts: 37
eyesforward,
I have had a look at that, thanks for the recommendation.

There are still so many issues with our relationship that i haven't mentioned on here. I guess i'm wanting to vent....

His mother and sister have NEVER accepted me, never taken the time to get to know me even. Over nearly 10 years, they have both tried to find fault with anything. Examples;
I wear make up for a party (yeah, really!) I have veiny hands, I must be so insecure because i was unhappy about my husband spending so much time viewing porn, and that he should leave me, slanderous attacks at my beloved family, when they met them once at our wedding, the list goes on.
My husband's aunt accidentally nearly caused a fire on board a domestic UK flight, luckily the smouldering really took hold in the taxi on leaving the airport of disembarkation! (Acetone put in an unrinsed container of something else.) My mother in law and sister in law thought that this was so funny and perhaps they too should "take nail varnish remover on board some planes and start some fires". Why did she say this? Because I had said prior that this wasn't funny. (I used to be Cabin Crew and took my responsibility very seriously). A mad statement for sure.
This sounds all so childish to you reading this now, but it's been an enduring big deal to me. My fault was that I never defended myself. But my husband's fault, is that he never stuck up for me either, even on hearing cruel, inaccurate remarks.
My husband finds it impossible to speak up when it matters, yet instead will often sympathise with the people making the cruel remarks. He will NEVER go against his mother or sister even when it is absolutely the appropriate thing to do.
Now i am a quiet, polite, demure, decent girl, not perfect, but i have not done anything to warrant this kind of treatment by in laws and at times, so called friends. I guess that much of my husband's inability to stand up is tied in with his sexuality.
It's so hard to try and support someone who has so many issues which impact negatively on our relationship. God, i have tried. I just don't really know what to do next, other than read and educate myself...

Thanks for reading.

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#398993 - 05/31/12 10:28 AM Re: Survivor? * Possible Triggers* [Re: LouLou]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
LouLou-

Just checking in on you! How is everything going?

herowannabe
_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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#399394 - 06/04/12 08:03 PM Re: Survivor? * Possible Triggers* [Re: LouLou]
LouLou Offline


Registered: 04/20/12
Posts: 37
Thanks herowannabe!

I'm fine, just taking good care of myself at the moment. My husband has his first session of EMDR around the 20th, so we'll see how it goes.

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#399440 - 06/05/12 07:45 AM Re: Survivor? * Possible Triggers* [Re: LouLou]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
Excellent!

I hope the EMDR will be productive! Please keep us posted!
_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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#399449 - 06/05/12 08:51 AM Re: Survivor? * Possible Triggers* [Re: LouLou]
colours Offline


Registered: 06/05/12
Posts: 23
Loc: Australia
Just know Lou Lou i thought you were almost speaking directly to me over coffee at my kitchen table here. Heres hoping there is light for us and our partners in the end. It helps to know I am not the only one coping with these worries of what if's and maybes, thanks for being brave enough to share it helped me.

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#399451 - 06/05/12 08:58 AM Re: Survivor? * Possible Triggers* [Re: LouLou]
colours Offline


Registered: 06/05/12
Posts: 23
Loc: Australia
Excuse my lack of knowledge what is EMDR - what does it stand for? what kind of therapy is it?

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#399494 - 06/05/12 02:00 PM Re: Survivor? * Possible Triggers* [Re: LouLou]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3620
Loc: South-East Europe
Hi Colours,
EMDR is abbreviation from Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing, it is treatment for some traumatic disorders:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eye_movement_desensitization_and_reprocessig
_________________________
My story

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#400410 - 06/14/12 10:13 AM Re: Survivor? * Possible Triggers* [Re: LouLou]
LouLou Offline


Registered: 04/20/12
Posts: 37
It feels so alien airing my laundry here but it's the only site where i feel some may understand.
My husband has got an EMDR session booked for the 20th of this month. He has only just admitted to me that his psychiatrist has recommended that I, yes, I point out women in the street , who are dressed like hookers (my hubbies favourites!) and state how beautiful they are and how he must look and get aroused!!!!! This seems like a made up story but i am telling the truth. I am in bits. How on earth can i as a beautiful, respectable woman, encourage my husband to 'perve' when, with his condition, is one of the very things that is destroying us???? Yes maybe he has encouraged the psych to say these things, but come on?? Shouldn't a professional know better??
My husband has told ME he sexualises women in the street. What good will being told to do it and that i should be encouraging him do? Surely this will only fuel his addiction. HELP....

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#400411 - 06/14/12 10:17 AM Re: Survivor? * Possible Triggers* [Re: LouLou]
LouLou Offline


Registered: 04/20/12
Posts: 37
Can someone please explain how this will help my husband's self esteem, never mind my self esteem. I'm angry and hurt. I'm bloody angry and hurt.

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#400420 - 06/14/12 11:52 AM Re: Survivor? * Possible Triggers* [Re: LouLou]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 367
WHATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT? His therapist said that? Are you sure????????? He sounds like a quack or your husband is lying to you. I am sorry if I sound harsh and like a know it all but that is INSANE!

How could a therapist suggest that you objectifying women too would me helpful? Did you hear the therapist say that???????

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#400427 - 06/14/12 02:45 PM Re: Survivor? * Possible Triggers* [Re: LouLou]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
???????

I have never heard of such a thing. The directive flies in the face of everything I have read AND everything I know to be good, honorable, honest and respectful! This isn't even an exercise two males would be encouraged in, MUCH, MUCH less a husband and wife!

The only thing I have ever read that even comes close to this is that the sexually addicted man who "scans" (looks at women as sexual objects only and uses their image for their own sexual fantasy, masturbation, etc.) is encouraged to catch himself looking at a woman and to immediately focus on her eyes while reminding himself that she is someone's daughter, mother, wife, sister. That she has lost people she's desperately loved. That she has suffered illness. That she is a creation of the same God who created him. It's an exercise designed to move the man from objectifying and into respecting. The exercise you've describe would have the polar opposite effect.

Something's simply not right here. Have you met the counselor? Can you attend a session with your husband? Can you call the counselor for clarification?

Lucy is right: this is INSANE!!!

(((LouLou)))
_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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#400470 - 06/15/12 12:03 AM Re: Survivor? * Possible Triggers* [Re: LouLou]
LouLou Offline


Registered: 04/20/12
Posts: 37
Seriously, this is what my husband told me the 'therapist' said. Apparently, my husband is displaying signs of OCD so in order to correct this, he should look "10 times, 20 times, 100 times". As for the compulsive masturbation, if he does it 10 times in a day, the psych said he should do it 20 times a day. I don't get the logic. Isn't it like telling an alcoholic who drinks a bottle of vodka a night, to increase it to two bottles??? I don't understand how this will cure an addiction.
And surely OCD doesn't make your husband have childish anger tantrums and want to get sex with you over as quickly as possible?
I'm not a psychiatrist but with all my husband's behaviours, i don't personally believe that it's OCD. If it is, i totally believe it's come about due to some kind of trauma. Even the other therapist who my husband will be seeing on the 20th has said there are signs of PTSD.
Thank you folks for your care and advice. This site is invaluable!

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#400482 - 06/15/12 04:02 AM Re: Survivor? * Possible Triggers* [Re: LouLou]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1736
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi LOU LOU

I read this and I think "this is crap"
It sounds to me that your H is making up stories. It sounds to me that he wants the best of both worlds and that is not going to work. You either heal or you stay the same.
It really sounds like you need to start getting tough and stating what it is that YOU want out of this relationship.
You cannot force him to heal if he does not want to, but you can make your life better.
This all seriously sounds like a load of croc, please don't be gullible and Co-dependent any-more.
Being a survivor does not give that person the right to walk all over the ones that love him, YOU are not a doormat and you deserve better.

Remember there is a huge difference between Sympathy and Empathy, you are allowed to feel empathy but get rid of the sympathy.

Heal well
Martin
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#400651 - 06/17/12 01:27 AM Re: Survivor? * Possible Triggers* [Re: LouLou]
LouLou Offline


Registered: 04/20/12
Posts: 37
Guys, i believe the therapist has indeed said this. I have told my husband that i would like to see this guy and hear it straight from his mouth. My husband hasn't tried to stop me at all.
These forms of advice seem ludicrous i know but if you think that's unbelievable, then you certainly wouldn't believe what the 1st psych said. A crazy Karl Jung fanatic, who said my husband "didn't have a problem", and that he should start lying to me and sleeping around!!!! My husband terminated the sessions, and i went with him for the last one. Yes, the Pig said this in front of me. You can imagine how shocked i was. He said my role as a wife was simply to child bear and rear. Not to have a sexual relationship with my husband! My husband will "naturally" go elsewhere for that...prostitutes, crew at work, anyone. How i wanted to slap that German moron and walk out.
My husband has had a run of bad luck with loonies so i just hope now, that this American guy who specialises in EMDR will help.

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#400993 - 06/20/12 06:31 AM Re: Survivor? * Possible Triggers* [Re: LouLou]
LouLou Offline


Registered: 04/20/12
Posts: 37
Well, the session today with the psychotherapist went well. I went along.
He basically said all the things i have been so desperately trying to get my husband to see.
He said my husband "is not even here right now, he's somewhere else."
I felt that this guy was spot on with his first impressions.
The psychotherapist said that my husband needs to learn to be in his own body first before tackling any trauma that may have occurred. This sounds logical to me.
I know my husband is very scared now because since the session, he has got very defensive, trying to justify recent past behaviours (e.g. "I was right to view that porn film because i proved i was strong enough not to wank off". I said, " but you were still degrading women, paying their wages and hurting me by viewing it.")
Like the psychotherapist said, my husband is at the very beginning of the very beginning. The guy is quite encouraging of me attending future sessions so we have another one booked for Saturday. Here's hoping this guy is onto something...
Once again, i'd like to thank you all and re iterate just how brave each and every one of you is. Supporters included. Remember this; by speaking out about your abuse, even if only on here, means the perps no longer have power to silence you. YOU HAVE ALREADY WON. xxx

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#400999 - 06/20/12 07:20 AM . [Re: LouLou]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
.


Edited by Life's A Dream (01/12/13 09:55 PM)

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#401003 - 06/20/12 07:43 AM Re: Survivor? * Possible Triggers* [Re: LouLou]
LouLou Offline


Registered: 04/20/12
Posts: 37
LAD,
You're absolutely right but this new therapist is not excusing my husband's behaviour now. He appears to be seeing things the way I do.
The previous two drongos were completely out of order and in my opinion are begging to lose their licences.
I know my husband is not lying because my husband and i even told the new therapist what the shrink in his own clinic said.
Again i must clarify, my husband claims he has no recollection of having been abused. ( He views seeing his mother naked on several occasions in the bath or his being naked in front of his mother during puberty, asking questions about his penis quite normal...Oh yeah and her staring through the gap in the door at me topless once i'd come out of the shower, as just a "lack of privacy problem.")
I'm just trying to give the most accurate account of what i have observed and what i have been told. Maybe my husband has not been abused. He hasn't cheated on me with another women either. However his behaviours ARE extreme and UNHEALTHY. Could this be the by product of simply seeing your mum naked in the bath and vice-versa during puberty?

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#401017 - 06/20/12 10:09 AM Re: Survivor? * Possible Triggers* [Re: LouLou]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1736
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
HI Lou Lou

Im glad that you have gotten some clarity on the T's ideas and that you now know this is what is being said. So of the stuff sounded pretty crazy.
It is also a sign that your husband is getting a little better because he let you speak to his T.
I agree, just having a mother with Privacy issues does not a survivor make.
A lot more must of happened.
I blocked out certain experiences in my life that came to light when I started reading other peoples stories online.

Get your husband to join MS.org.
But I must tell you to please do a bit of homework on the Co-Dependency issues in your life.
PLEASE DONT NEGLECT YOURSELF, and dont think that you can handle it. Get help from CODA or AL ANON you need the support and the courage to draw up healthy boundries.

Heal well
Martin
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#401018 - 06/20/12 10:21 AM Re: Survivor? * Possible Triggers* [Re: LouLou]
LouLou Offline


Registered: 04/20/12
Posts: 37
Hey Martin,
Thanks for the response and the advice.
I don't believe that i am a 'typical' Co dependent. I have done quite a bit of research. The only thing that can point to co dependency, is the fact that i have said i will leave my husband if things don't change. I have done NOTHING to support his bad habits. I have stated clearly, if you want to be on your own, let me go because these behaviours are not helping my self esteem. I don't want to come across as arrogant, but i feel like i am strong within myself. This shit has nothing to do with me. i run every day, i have a healthy diet. I do take care of myself...
Do i need to leave him in order not to be Co dependent? I don't understand.

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#401019 - 06/20/12 10:22 AM Re: Survivor? * Possible Triggers* [Re: LouLou]
LouLou Offline


Registered: 04/20/12
Posts: 37
I don't believe i can save my husband either. Only he can do that.

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#401024 - 06/20/12 10:38 AM Re: Survivor? * Possible Triggers* [Re: LouLou]
LouLou Offline


Registered: 04/20/12
Posts: 37
I 've gone on to the wiki checklist of co dependency symptoms. I answered, honestly, "no" to the majority of them. I am guilty of being in a relationship where my husband is doing things that are detrimental to our marriage, but seeing as though he can't even be in his own body yet, does that make me co dependent by believing that maybe he can seek help???

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#401047 - 06/20/12 01:54 PM Re: Survivor? * Possible Triggers* [Re: LouLou]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3620
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey LouLou,
must say that you are doing great for your husband and your relationship. Co dependency is related to having focus not on self but on someone else - on his/her needs, emotions, problems and all other "important" issues. It is very tricky situation and not so visible and it doesn't happen overnight but rather during some time. It is great that you are feeling strong, have some healthy habits an so on -that is really good. Additionally please take care to feel yourself, what do you feel deep inside, have you been connected to inner self, what are your current issues/interests that are not related to your partner's problems and his current issues, are there any? Being in your own body is nice explanation for having focus on self. We all are easily lost if our partners have some serious issues and we in that process need to take care of ourselves as well, it sounds easy when saying but hard to regularly do it.
Be well!
Pero
_________________________
My story

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