Welcome to MS. I am happy you have found this place of healing.
The fact that your husband cannot "remember" a lot of his childhood coupled with his compulsive behaviors and his objectfication of women, strongly suggests that there was sexual abuse in his life.
You commented that he doens't initiate sex with you. In his mind, you are "pure, unblemished" and he wants to keep you that way. He objectifies those with whom he doesn't have a close emotional connection (if any) and, therefore, when he fantasizes about them, the fact that they are equated with the "dirtiness" of sex doesn't bother him.
But his love for you keeps him from wanting you to be touched by that "dirtiness." In his own way, he is protecting you from the abuse he endured, and from the terrible way he feels about himself.
The compulsive masturbation and watching of pornography are to numb himself from the pain he feels. In some ways, he might even be re-creating the abuse he endured without realizing it.
If you are not yet in therapy you need to do so. Your husband also needs his own therapist. A therapist trained in trauma and/ or sexual abuse will best suit your needs. You might find the Consumers Guide to Therapist Shopping
useful. It gives you a list of questions to ask of a potential therapist. Not all of the questions might apply to your situation, but it is a good guide. It helps take some of the anxiety and fear out of the first phone contact with a therapist so you don't forget what it is you wanted to ask.
Whether or not your husband goes to therapy, you need to go. You need to heal from his past and his behavior, as much as he needs to heal from the abuse he endured. You have every right to heal.
As much as you love your husband, you cannot do this for him. No one can do this work for him. He has to decide that he no longer wants to live with the pain and that he wants to find a way of feeling better, in a healthy sense, not by numbing himself with pornography and sexual fantasy.
There are many books that you might find helpful. Some are written for the significant others of those who have been abused, and some are written for the person who has been abused. I am certain that those who post in this forum will be more than happy to share the titles of the books they found helpful. You can find the link to the bookstore on the homepage here.
To put it bluntly, you need to set limits with your husband about the behavior you consider to be unacceptable, ie. his risk taking behavior while driving or piloting. There are consequences for unacceptable behavior. These are not punishments, nor are they forms of blackmail. It is unacceptable for him to jeopardize his job, his life, or the lives of others. But only set limits and consequences if you are prepared to follow through with them.
Loving him means setting limits which, hopefully, will get him to see that therapy is the way to deal with his pain. If he chooses not to deal with this in a healthy manner, he will be suffering alone. This is not an act of cruelty or selfishness, it is an act of love.
You may want to leave information about this site for him. Sometimes it takes people a long time before they join the site. Some will read without ever joining, and some find what is here to be too triggering.
Whether or not your husband chooses to take positive steps toward healing from his experiences, you need to heal from them, and from him. Hopefully he will choose to grow with you, rather than apart from you. But it has to be his choice.
Dealing with this stuff is not easy, not for the survivor, and certainly not for the person who loves him. But it can and does get better. A lot of energy and committment is required to achieve the desired results.
Your husband is using pornography to keep from feeling. That is very common. None of us wants to feel the pain from the memories.
The truth is, he survived the worst part of this. And while the memories and feelings may be painful and unpleasant, they are just that -- memories and feelings, and they cannot harm him.
This is not to say they do not hurt, they most certainly do. But numbing himself and trying to suppress everything isn't working. The only way to get the pain to stop is to do the work in therapy.
It will be a rough road for each of you, but the rewards are immeasurable.
One of the things you need to do is self care.
. You need to eat well, exercise and do things that are not trauma related. You need to have a support system that does not focus on the issues. You also need to have activities that you can do independent of your partner.
You have all of us here. If you have not found it yet, there is also a chat room (aka: the lounge) which includes a room just for friends and family.
The best way to support him is to get yourself help and to be healthy.