I was nine when I was sexual abused in a public park restroom at a park across the street from where we lived. At age 14 I was sexual abused by a stranger at a bowling alley which whom I had asked if he would buy me some beer. At 27 an Episcopalian priest my grandmother sent me to so he could help me ended up taking me out to eat then to a bar to dance, drinks and some drugs. I did not have sex with him. This was to strange. I lost faith after that, duh. Age 6 - 9 my parents drank and would fight a lot. They frightened me. I loved them both. I felt my dad always pushed me away. Age 7, 8 I all ready had odd behaviors. I played with matches, I was mean to and hurt little pets. At age 9 my dad was court ordered to move and my mom had a restraining order place on him. I did not want them to get a divorce. I did not want my dad to leave me. He said he would never leave me. The next day he died from a massive heart attack at age 43. I was devastated. My actions/behavior begin to change, and not for the best. I recall my mom getting me professional help. It did not help. It was at age 9 that I remember starting to have this awareness that I'm like an object, not a child. My mom tried various methods to help me but I was just shut down, I guess. At age 14, after having sex with the person who bought me beer, everything changed. I got drunk and i like it. This person was actually very nice to me. He told me I could make a lot of money. He told me not to tell anyone. I liked the attention immediately. He paid attention to ME! My big secrete life had started. Since I was a latch key child I had a lot of free range time. We live a few blocks from the beach. I have 2 older sisters one who moved on her own after she graduated from high school. The other her and I were on our own many many times. My mom was either working or out drinking.
Anyway, I'm 57 now. Never have been in a relationship. Never been on a job longer than 2.5 yrs. College drop out. Quit many good paying jobs. Never lived by on my own by myself. Several DUI's. In and out of county jail. Failed at trying to complete a college program. I started drinking when I was 14 and quit when I was 33. I quit cold turkey at 27 using sex and men to party and as a way to live. I got sober at age 34 and stayed sober for 15 years. Started drinking again at 48. Got sober again 2008 and still sober, doing well. I remember many times people, "professional people" asking me, "cross, what is it you like to do? what makes you happy?" I hated this question for a long time. I remember one time a counselor asked me a question like this and I started crying because I couldn't think of anything. I was in my 30's. One thing I'm grateful for is that my mom let me to play organized sports. I did well in sports and competed at national levels in bowling, swimming and xc running. Today I know what makes me happy. Being sober, running a nice trail run by myself or with fellow runners. Through it all I have come to be able to see some real great times, real fun times, real healthy times, real fond memories of my mom, and some positive things I've accomplished thus far in this journey of mine... and many times when I am out running I get grateful for my life. It does me well to tell my story and to read your stories. It keeps things real for me. Thanks.


Edited by ModTeam (04/22/12 08:42 AM)
Edit Reason: Trigger warning added.
_________________________
~ cross ~