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#393945 - 04/18/12 05:11 PM confused in a huge mess
dragon Offline


Registered: 04/17/12
Posts: 355
Loc: on the river between Hades n V...
**
_________________________
I don't want to look back;I just want to start again;Somebody save me--- Pop Evil: Broken and Betrayed

I want justice I want you overthrown;I want courage I want to stand alone;I want your arrogance and I want your pain;I want your everything and I want you dead--- Rev Theory: Justice

Top
#394007 - 04/19/12 02:34 AM * [Re: dragon]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/28/13 05:20 PM)

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#394129 - 04/19/12 09:29 PM Re: confused in a huge mess [Re: dragon]
dragon Offline


Registered: 04/17/12
Posts: 355
Loc: on the river between Hades n V...
**
_________________________
I don't want to look back;I just want to start again;Somebody save me--- Pop Evil: Broken and Betrayed

I want justice I want you overthrown;I want courage I want to stand alone;I want your arrogance and I want your pain;I want your everything and I want you dead--- Rev Theory: Justice

Top
#394172 - 04/20/12 12:59 AM * [Re: dragon]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/28/13 05:22 PM)

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#394175 - 04/20/12 01:08 AM Re: confused in a huge mess [Re: dragon]
Anomalous Offline
Greeter Coordinator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 03/07/10
Posts: 1355
Hi WoundedDragon,

I am sorry for all of the terrible things you were forced to endure.

Your therapist is absolutely correct, sexual abuse doens't "make" you gay or bi. Sexual abuse, however, can create a "same sex attraction."

Whether you are attracted to males, females or both as potential partners for a long term, emotionally satisfying and committed relationship can be answered at a later date. You may need to explore yourself in therapy for a while and perhaps explore having a relationship with a male and a female before you truly know where your heart lies.

I am concerned with a few things you said.

First, I want to make it perfectly clear that I am NOT judging you.

The friend with whom you are living is in a relationship with a woman. He has expressed love for you, and has encouraged you to be sexual with him. For whatever reasons (fear, anxiety, etc.) things didn't go as planned, so the following night you tried to be sexual with his girlfriend....

This situation is only going to result in you being hurt. One of the two is going to get jealous if you are in a relationship with the other. It is human nature. It is also coercing you to be sexual, which is very detrimental to you.

While they may be trying to help you find yourself by letting you experiment with them (if that is what is actually happening), that situation is still fraught with difficulties.

Loving your friend because he is showing you kindness and acceptance and he is giving you and your son a place to live does NOT mean you have to "pay" for that with your body. Please read the thread Sex As Currency.

I suggest you speak to your therapist about this. Obviously you have a lot of trauma and confusion from the abuses you endured. Right now might not be the time to be sexual, with anyone, other than yourself.

And when the time feels right for you to be sexual, it would be in your best interest to find someone to whom you do not feel you are obligated to pay with your very being.

Abuse, in all of it's forms, damages our abilities to recognize relationships that may or may not be healthy.

If you want to show your friend you appreciate the things he is doing for you and your son, find non-sexual ways to express your appreciation.

It is not up to your friend to tell you who or how you love, nor is it his right to make you figure it out.

Check your local area for groups/ associations that are GBTQ focused and get involved in activities. This will give you the opportunity to socialize. GBTQ centers typically run a variety of groups and social functions. They are also great resources for support.

You were forced to be sexual at a very young age, and the natural exploration and curiosity was taken from you. It is understandable that you have questions and confusion.

NO ONE has the right to force you to be sexual now, nor tell you to whom you are supposed to be attracted.

Despite the fact you love your friend, you cannot say "I Love You." The love you have for him may not be the same as being in love with him. Perhaps saying those words are just too terrifying. Whatever the reason, you are not obligated to tell anyone you are in love with them, either.

I am sorry that your friend got angry with you.

It sounds like he has unfulfilled needs. But he cannot demand that you fill them, at your expense.

What you need now is a friend who will give you the opportunity to heal from what was forced on you and the time to discover your choices.



Be gentle and kind to yourself.






Anomalous
_________________________
Acceptance on someone else's terms is worse than rejection.

Top
#394180 - 04/20/12 01:24 AM Re: confused in a huge mess [Re: Smalltown80sBoy]
dragon Offline


Registered: 04/17/12
Posts: 355
Loc: on the river between Hades n V...
**
_________________________
I don't want to look back;I just want to start again;Somebody save me--- Pop Evil: Broken and Betrayed

I want justice I want you overthrown;I want courage I want to stand alone;I want your arrogance and I want your pain;I want your everything and I want you dead--- Rev Theory: Justice

Top
#394194 - 04/20/12 02:38 AM Re: confused in a huge mess [Re: Anomalous]
dragon Offline


Registered: 04/17/12
Posts: 355
Loc: on the river between Hades n V...
**
_________________________
I don't want to look back;I just want to start again;Somebody save me--- Pop Evil: Broken and Betrayed

I want justice I want you overthrown;I want courage I want to stand alone;I want your arrogance and I want your pain;I want your everything and I want you dead--- Rev Theory: Justice

Top
#394198 - 04/20/12 03:22 AM Re: confused in a huge mess [Re: dragon]
dragon Offline


Registered: 04/17/12
Posts: 355
Loc: on the river between Hades n V...
**
_________________________
I don't want to look back;I just want to start again;Somebody save me--- Pop Evil: Broken and Betrayed

I want justice I want you overthrown;I want courage I want to stand alone;I want your arrogance and I want your pain;I want your everything and I want you dead--- Rev Theory: Justice

Top
#394308 - 04/21/12 01:43 AM * [Re: dragon]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/28/13 05:23 PM)

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#394327 - 04/21/12 04:44 AM Re: confused in a huge mess [Re: Smalltown80sBoy]
dragon Offline


Registered: 04/17/12
Posts: 355
Loc: on the river between Hades n V...
**
_________________________
I don't want to look back;I just want to start again;Somebody save me--- Pop Evil: Broken and Betrayed

I want justice I want you overthrown;I want courage I want to stand alone;I want your arrogance and I want your pain;I want your everything and I want you dead--- Rev Theory: Justice

Top
#394388 - 04/22/12 12:55 AM * [Re: dragon]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/28/13 05:24 PM)

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#394663 - 04/23/12 09:50 PM Re: confused in a huge mess [Re: dragon]
HunterH777 Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/02/08
Posts: 1
Loc: St Louis
As an adult learning healthy relationship boundaries was extremely difficult growing up in an incestuous household. Many times I recreated this same 'no boundary' situation because I knew of no other way. Enmeshment equated to love back in those days.

Now at 56 (seems ancient but it's not) I understand and relish having healthy boundaries because it allows me to have intimacy with others. And allows me to love and be loved.

This is a far cry from where I began my journey.

My hats off to you for taking the leap of faith to tell your story and began your journey of truth finding and healing.

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#394672 - 04/23/12 10:53 PM Re: confused in a huge mess [Re: HunterH777]
dragon Offline


Registered: 04/17/12
Posts: 355
Loc: on the river between Hades n V...
TY...
alot has gone on i think its time to update

Jayy
_________________________
I don't want to look back;I just want to start again;Somebody save me--- Pop Evil: Broken and Betrayed

I want justice I want you overthrown;I want courage I want to stand alone;I want your arrogance and I want your pain;I want your everything and I want you dead--- Rev Theory: Justice

Top
#394673 - 04/23/12 10:59 PM Re: confused in a huge mess [Re: dragon]
dragon Offline


Registered: 04/17/12
Posts: 355
Loc: on the river between Hades n V...
**
_________________________
I don't want to look back;I just want to start again;Somebody save me--- Pop Evil: Broken and Betrayed

I want justice I want you overthrown;I want courage I want to stand alone;I want your arrogance and I want your pain;I want your everything and I want you dead--- Rev Theory: Justice

Top
#394692 - 04/24/12 12:17 AM * [Re: HunterH777]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/28/13 05:30 PM)

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#394694 - 04/24/12 12:20 AM * [Re: dragon]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/28/13 05:30 PM)

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#394699 - 04/24/12 01:01 AM Re: confused in a huge mess [Re: Smalltown80sBoy]
dragon Offline


Registered: 04/17/12
Posts: 355
Loc: on the river between Hades n V...
**
_________________________
I don't want to look back;I just want to start again;Somebody save me--- Pop Evil: Broken and Betrayed

I want justice I want you overthrown;I want courage I want to stand alone;I want your arrogance and I want your pain;I want your everything and I want you dead--- Rev Theory: Justice

Top
#394702 - 04/24/12 01:07 AM Re: confused in a huge mess [Re: dragon]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3515
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Jayy - brave step you took. i think you did the right thing. i wanted to suggest it but was afraid you were so dependent upon the living situation that it would either be impossible for you to do - or that you would find it too traumatic to leave one of the few sources of (admittedly mixed!) emotional support.

you are taking control of your life. that is such a good thing.
keep growing!
Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#394709 - 04/24/12 01:35 AM Re: confused in a huge mess [Re: traveler]
dragon Offline


Registered: 04/17/12
Posts: 355
Loc: on the river between Hades n V...
**
_________________________
I don't want to look back;I just want to start again;Somebody save me--- Pop Evil: Broken and Betrayed

I want justice I want you overthrown;I want courage I want to stand alone;I want your arrogance and I want your pain;I want your everything and I want you dead--- Rev Theory: Justice

Top
#394856 - 04/25/12 12:35 AM * [Re: dragon]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/28/13 05:32 PM)

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#394860 - 04/25/12 01:00 AM Re: confused in a huge mess [Re: dragon]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3515
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Originally Posted By: woundeddragon
i feel like i am loosing control though as i try to gain control ya know?..


yes- how well i know - it's always difficult to deal with change - even totally good change causes all kinds of re-adjustments and previously un-required flexibility and uncertainty. And when the change means lauching out into unknown waters... it's even more scary.

the important thing right now is for you to find a place of safety and have the time and space to start healing - even resting and recovering from all the trauma and drama is a form of healing. the fact that YOU are the one making the decisions and bringing about the change means you have a degree of control. you'll never be able to control every circumstance or situation anyway.

i wish you all the best, and keep us in the loop on your progress!
lee

P.S. I read parts of your story to my wife and whe was very moved. She said - "don't you wish you could have them come and live with us?" i love that! no way it could happen - we don't even live in the U.S. but i want you to know that there are those who will open their hearts to you... just praying that you cross paths with the right and safe ones!
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#394868 - 04/25/12 01:23 AM Re: confused in a huge mess [Re: Smalltown80sBoy]
dragon Offline


Registered: 04/17/12
Posts: 355
Loc: on the river between Hades n V...
**
_________________________
I don't want to look back;I just want to start again;Somebody save me--- Pop Evil: Broken and Betrayed

I want justice I want you overthrown;I want courage I want to stand alone;I want your arrogance and I want your pain;I want your everything and I want you dead--- Rev Theory: Justice

Top
#394869 - 04/25/12 01:27 AM Re: confused in a huge mess [Re: traveler]
dragon Offline


Registered: 04/17/12
Posts: 355
Loc: on the river between Hades n V...
**
_________________________
I don't want to look back;I just want to start again;Somebody save me--- Pop Evil: Broken and Betrayed

I want justice I want you overthrown;I want courage I want to stand alone;I want your arrogance and I want your pain;I want your everything and I want you dead--- Rev Theory: Justice

Top
#394875 - 04/25/12 01:36 AM Re: confused in a huge mess [Re: dragon]
dragon Offline


Registered: 04/17/12
Posts: 355
Loc: on the river between Hades n V...
**
_________________________
I don't want to look back;I just want to start again;Somebody save me--- Pop Evil: Broken and Betrayed

I want justice I want you overthrown;I want courage I want to stand alone;I want your arrogance and I want your pain;I want your everything and I want you dead--- Rev Theory: Justice

Top
#394984 - 04/26/12 12:40 AM * [Re: dragon]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/28/13 05:34 PM)

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#394985 - 04/26/12 12:43 AM * [Re: dragon]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/28/13 05:34 PM)

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#394990 - 04/26/12 01:19 AM Re: confused in a huge mess [Re: dragon]
Anomalous Offline
Greeter Coordinator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 03/07/10
Posts: 1355
Hi Jayy,

I am happy to hear that you moved into a place of your own.

Reading that the person who says he "loves" you has resorted to physical violence made me angry, and afraid for you.

Good for you for getting yourself into your own place and for creating a healthy and safe environment for yourself and for your son.

Things can seem "out of control" as you try to get control of your life. You are making a lot of major changes, and change can be scarey, even when the changes are desired.

I hope that guy respects your boundaries and that he leaves you alone, or that he is at least not physically harming you if he does see you. If he doesn't respect your boundaries or if he hits you again, you will need to take measures to protect yourself, which might include a restraining order. Hopefully things won't come to that.

Please attend to your physical and medical needs, not only for your own well being, but so you can be there for your son. You deserve to be healthy, physically and emotionally. Working with a therapist will help you set healthy boundaries as well as heal from all you have endured.

You are a great guy, and a great father.

Now it's time to learn how to show that love and compassion to yourself.





Anomalous
_________________________
Acceptance on someone else's terms is worse than rejection.

Top
#394997 - 04/26/12 02:34 AM Re: confused in a huge mess [Re: Smalltown80sBoy]
dragon Offline


Registered: 04/17/12
Posts: 355
Loc: on the river between Hades n V...
**
_________________________
I don't want to look back;I just want to start again;Somebody save me--- Pop Evil: Broken and Betrayed

I want justice I want you overthrown;I want courage I want to stand alone;I want your arrogance and I want your pain;I want your everything and I want you dead--- Rev Theory: Justice

Top
#394998 - 04/26/12 02:37 AM Re: confused in a huge mess [Re: Anomalous]
dragon Offline


Registered: 04/17/12
Posts: 355
Loc: on the river between Hades n V...
**
_________________________
I don't want to look back;I just want to start again;Somebody save me--- Pop Evil: Broken and Betrayed

I want justice I want you overthrown;I want courage I want to stand alone;I want your arrogance and I want your pain;I want your everything and I want you dead--- Rev Theory: Justice

Top
#395133 - 04/27/12 12:34 AM * [Re: dragon]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/28/13 05:36 PM)

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#395144 - 04/27/12 12:54 AM Re: confused in a huge mess [Re: Smalltown80sBoy]
dragon Offline


Registered: 04/17/12
Posts: 355
Loc: on the river between Hades n V...
**
_________________________
I don't want to look back;I just want to start again;Somebody save me--- Pop Evil: Broken and Betrayed

I want justice I want you overthrown;I want courage I want to stand alone;I want your arrogance and I want your pain;I want your everything and I want you dead--- Rev Theory: Justice

Top
#395225 - 04/27/12 07:47 PM Re: confused in a huge mess [Re: dragon]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1250
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/17/13 08:41 PM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#395229 - 04/27/12 08:29 PM Re: confused in a huge mess [Re: dragon]
dragon Offline


Registered: 04/17/12
Posts: 355
Loc: on the river between Hades n V...
**
_________________________
I don't want to look back;I just want to start again;Somebody save me--- Pop Evil: Broken and Betrayed

I want justice I want you overthrown;I want courage I want to stand alone;I want your arrogance and I want your pain;I want your everything and I want you dead--- Rev Theory: Justice

Top
#395255 - 04/28/12 01:49 AM Re: confused in a huge mess [Re: dragon]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3621
Loc: South-East Europe
Hang on there dear Jayy!
I've been reading your story these days. I hope that you are feeling much batter lately. I'm happy to hear that you have huge support from your brother. It was very touching for me to learn about you and your son. I have both of you in my prayers!
I'm sending you hug ((((Jayy))))
Pero
_________________________
My story

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#395259 - 04/28/12 01:59 AM Re: confused in a huge mess [Re: peroperic2009]
dragon Offline


Registered: 04/17/12
Posts: 355
Loc: on the river between Hades n V...
**
_________________________
I don't want to look back;I just want to start again;Somebody save me--- Pop Evil: Broken and Betrayed

I want justice I want you overthrown;I want courage I want to stand alone;I want your arrogance and I want your pain;I want your everything and I want you dead--- Rev Theory: Justice

Top
#395366 - 04/28/12 10:39 PM Re: confused in a huge mess [Re: dragon]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1250
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/17/13 08:41 PM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#395373 - 04/28/12 10:52 PM * [Re: dragon]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/28/13 05:37 PM)

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#395396 - 04/29/12 12:39 AM Re: confused in a huge mess [Re: dragon]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1250
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/17/13 08:44 PM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#395401 - 04/29/12 01:32 AM Re: confused in a huge mess [Re: lapchinj]
dragon Offline


Registered: 04/17/12
Posts: 355
Loc: on the river between Hades n V...
***
_________________________
I don't want to look back;I just want to start again;Somebody save me--- Pop Evil: Broken and Betrayed

I want justice I want you overthrown;I want courage I want to stand alone;I want your arrogance and I want your pain;I want your everything and I want you dead--- Rev Theory: Justice

Top
#395402 - 04/29/12 01:34 AM Re: confused in a huge mess [Re: Smalltown80sBoy]
dragon Offline


Registered: 04/17/12
Posts: 355
Loc: on the river between Hades n V...
**
_________________________
I don't want to look back;I just want to start again;Somebody save me--- Pop Evil: Broken and Betrayed

I want justice I want you overthrown;I want courage I want to stand alone;I want your arrogance and I want your pain;I want your everything and I want you dead--- Rev Theory: Justice

Top
#395404 - 04/29/12 01:40 AM Re: confused in a huge mess [Re: lapchinj]
dragon Offline


Registered: 04/17/12
Posts: 355
Loc: on the river between Hades n V...
********
_________________________
I don't want to look back;I just want to start again;Somebody save me--- Pop Evil: Broken and Betrayed

I want justice I want you overthrown;I want courage I want to stand alone;I want your arrogance and I want your pain;I want your everything and I want you dead--- Rev Theory: Justice

Top
#395523 - 04/29/12 09:25 PM Re: confused in a huge mess [Re: dragon]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1250
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/17/13 08:42 PM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#395542 - 04/30/12 12:11 AM Re: confused in a huge mess [Re: lapchinj]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3621
Loc: South-East Europe
Wow Jeff,
congratulation on your success with your grand children smile
Your comment could be separate thread about progress with recovery. I've found it very inspiring!Keep us informed wink!

Dear Dragon, I hope that you'll go smoothly trough this stressful part of life, I'm sure that better days are coming!
Like Jeff has said, it is wonderful to read how you share your love to your kid, it is hearth braking smile
_________________________
My story

Top
#395551 - 04/30/12 12:59 AM * [Re: lapchinj]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/28/13 05:39 PM)

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#395557 - 04/30/12 01:37 AM Re: confused in a huge mess [Re: dragon]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1250
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/17/13 08:42 PM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#395782 - 05/02/12 03:04 AM Re: confused in a huge mess [Re: dragon]
dragon Offline


Registered: 04/17/12
Posts: 355
Loc: on the river between Hades n V...
***
_________________________
I don't want to look back;I just want to start again;Somebody save me--- Pop Evil: Broken and Betrayed

I want justice I want you overthrown;I want courage I want to stand alone;I want your arrogance and I want your pain;I want your everything and I want you dead--- Rev Theory: Justice

Top
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