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#393945 - 04/18/12 05:11 PM confused in a huge mess
dragon Offline


Registered: 04/17/12
Posts: 354
Loc: on the river between Hades n V...
hi everyone as some may know i am new here... not quite sure of myself yet at this point in life.. I am gay well least i think i might be that or maybe bi not quite sure. I am a "survivor" as some say and yes i put the quotations around it because i don't even feel as though i am one. I lived in hell for years.. I and my two older brothers were sexually abused by our father for years.. I was also abused 1x by my stepmom though she was forced to do so by my father..that encounter at such a young age for me totally confused me and it resulted in my young sons birth... (its a long story)
i escaped eventually only after she returned handing my son over to me which again is another long story within the story..
So here i am right now, a single father as young as me... the best thing i think that ever happened to me at this point..
I live with my bestfriend currently and away from the town this all happened in. I am still very scared but with him here it somewhat helps.. now the confusing part:
He has admitted that he is Bi and that he loves me and always has. He's told me many times how much he loves me but i can't seem to say that to him. I generally have feelings for him and i do truly love him but its hard to even say it. I knew no love only pain. The only love i know is the unconditional love i have for my own child, the product of a rape that happened to me frown (i hate having to admit it but i know its true) My son adores my friend to the very core and i find myself smiling sometimes when i watch them together swimming or watching a cartoon or even fishing...and then the love for my bestfriend creeps in and yet i just don't know.... I landed up trying to have sex with him but i couldn't do it and landed up breaking down, thankfully he understood and kept assuring me it was okay and that he'd just take it slower... Then the next day comes and his girlfriend was over and needless to say i tried with her but couldn't either and again i broke down... now its confusing..
I have feelings for both of them. I truly do love my bestfriend whom my son and i are living with. I also love his girlfriend and he knows this and is accepting to this as so is she. Its a huge mess. We landed in a fight over a major issue dealing with me (i swear its always me causing problems for everyone n my fault all the time) but it led to him screaming at me saying i just didn't want to admit i was gay/bi bc of what happened to me. I don't think this is true. I don't know though. My therapist says i've always been this way but i just don't know bc of what happened. I don't know anything... My friend left and screamed he loved me but all i could seem to scream was "I hate you" and that wasn't what i intended to say...
will i be able to admit my feelings for him at all? its soo hard for me to even accept he loves me... I can admit here i have feelings for him, i love him and am grateful for everything he has done to help me and my son...i can admit i have feelings for his girlfriend but i do have more feelings for him than her. its still so confusing for me and honestly i am scared to even admit to him anything of my true feeling for him and its hard to say to him that i do love him. I am scared of what might happen... I'm already a single father and that is what makes this confusing and hard... I'm only almost 19 with an almost 6yr old and i get comments and people judging me all the time being i am his ONLY parent (upon her handing him over to me days later she took her own life)... I don't want to hurt either of them bc as i have said my son truly adores him and loves him. But i also don't want to hurt him by having him judged because of me and everything. I honestly still don't understand how he can even love me knowing what happened (for the most part)...
Am i just being scared to admit my own feelings normal? could i be bi or am i truly gay? this is all so new to me and i guess this is just another baby step for me.. i hope i haven't confused you's... thanks for even taking the time to read this

Jayy
_________________________
I don't want to look back;I just want to start again;Somebody save me--- Pop Evil: Broken and Betrayed

I want justice I want you overthrown;I want courage I want to stand alone;I want your arrogance and I want your pain;I want your everything and I want you dead--- Rev Theory: Justice

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#394007 - 04/19/12 02:34 AM * [Re: dragon]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/28/13 05:20 PM)

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#394129 - 04/19/12 09:29 PM Re: confused in a huge mess [Re: dragon]
dragon Offline


Registered: 04/17/12
Posts: 354
Loc: on the river between Hades n V...
thank you..

talking does help some... i never know what to say most times as i don't want to trigger anyone.. I've tried talking to my brothers but they don't understand even though they're a part of it too. I want to safely say i've come to the conclusion as Bi for right now and i guess i can change that in time as i come to understand things more.. I don't know if its right or not... I now have to admit to him that i love him truly and thats a huge issue since i've never said it cept to my son.. frown i know i am horrible... Sometimes i don't even think its possible for me to truly be happy yet.

Jayy
_________________________
I don't want to look back;I just want to start again;Somebody save me--- Pop Evil: Broken and Betrayed

I want justice I want you overthrown;I want courage I want to stand alone;I want your arrogance and I want your pain;I want your everything and I want you dead--- Rev Theory: Justice

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#394172 - 04/20/12 12:59 AM * [Re: dragon]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/28/13 05:22 PM)

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#394175 - 04/20/12 01:08 AM Re: confused in a huge mess [Re: dragon]
Anomalous Offline
Greeter Coordinator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 03/07/10
Posts: 1335
Hi WoundedDragon,

I am sorry for all of the terrible things you were forced to endure.

Your therapist is absolutely correct, sexual abuse doens't "make" you gay or bi. Sexual abuse, however, can create a "same sex attraction."

Whether you are attracted to males, females or both as potential partners for a long term, emotionally satisfying and committed relationship can be answered at a later date. You may need to explore yourself in therapy for a while and perhaps explore having a relationship with a male and a female before you truly know where your heart lies.

I am concerned with a few things you said.

First, I want to make it perfectly clear that I am NOT judging you.

The friend with whom you are living is in a relationship with a woman. He has expressed love for you, and has encouraged you to be sexual with him. For whatever reasons (fear, anxiety, etc.) things didn't go as planned, so the following night you tried to be sexual with his girlfriend....

This situation is only going to result in you being hurt. One of the two is going to get jealous if you are in a relationship with the other. It is human nature. It is also coercing you to be sexual, which is very detrimental to you.

While they may be trying to help you find yourself by letting you experiment with them (if that is what is actually happening), that situation is still fraught with difficulties.

Loving your friend because he is showing you kindness and acceptance and he is giving you and your son a place to live does NOT mean you have to "pay" for that with your body. Please read the thread Sex As Currency.

I suggest you speak to your therapist about this. Obviously you have a lot of trauma and confusion from the abuses you endured. Right now might not be the time to be sexual, with anyone, other than yourself.

And when the time feels right for you to be sexual, it would be in your best interest to find someone to whom you do not feel you are obligated to pay with your very being.

Abuse, in all of it's forms, damages our abilities to recognize relationships that may or may not be healthy.

If you want to show your friend you appreciate the things he is doing for you and your son, find non-sexual ways to express your appreciation.

It is not up to your friend to tell you who or how you love, nor is it his right to make you figure it out.

Check your local area for groups/ associations that are GBTQ focused and get involved in activities. This will give you the opportunity to socialize. GBTQ centers typically run a variety of groups and social functions. They are also great resources for support.

You were forced to be sexual at a very young age, and the natural exploration and curiosity was taken from you. It is understandable that you have questions and confusion.

NO ONE has the right to force you to be sexual now, nor tell you to whom you are supposed to be attracted.

Despite the fact you love your friend, you cannot say "I Love You." The love you have for him may not be the same as being in love with him. Perhaps saying those words are just too terrifying. Whatever the reason, you are not obligated to tell anyone you are in love with them, either.

I am sorry that your friend got angry with you.

It sounds like he has unfulfilled needs. But he cannot demand that you fill them, at your expense.

What you need now is a friend who will give you the opportunity to heal from what was forced on you and the time to discover your choices.



Be gentle and kind to yourself.






Anomalous
_________________________
Acceptance on someone else's terms is worse than rejection.

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#394180 - 04/20/12 01:24 AM Re: confused in a huge mess [Re: Smalltown80sBoy]
dragon Offline


Registered: 04/17/12
Posts: 354
Loc: on the river between Hades n V...
ty.. i guess it is a big deal if i can say that to my son.. as for my friend i love him but can't say that to him without feeling guilty.. like i'm obligated to say it or i don't deserve his love so i can't say it... or that he'll in turn after me saying that hurt me even though i know that isn't true. i am still struggling with him... i will post further

Jayy
_________________________
I don't want to look back;I just want to start again;Somebody save me--- Pop Evil: Broken and Betrayed

I want justice I want you overthrown;I want courage I want to stand alone;I want your arrogance and I want your pain;I want your everything and I want you dead--- Rev Theory: Justice

Top
#394194 - 04/20/12 02:38 AM Re: confused in a huge mess [Re: Anomalous]
dragon Offline


Registered: 04/17/12
Posts: 354
Loc: on the river between Hades n V...
ty... By the reply i would never think that you are judging me... i did check out the thread you included here.. in a way it sounds almost how i am feeling and then not how i am feeling. I feel that way more towards his girlfriend and yes i love her but most times i think do i really love her or is it just bc i have to love her confused for the help she has given me? bc she is with my bestfriend? or bc my son adores her as well? I haven't hit the point where the lightbulb comes on in my head, though i wish i have hit that spot on this...
My therapist never said it came create "same sex attraction" all he's told me when i brought this up to him was "Oh don't worry so much over it, you were either gay or bi since birth even with the stuff that happened to you...try with one n try the other n then go from there" nice advice from him huh?
i can't seem to even get close in sex at any point right now and i think you are right about it being detrimental to me right now. As it only causes me more pain to even try it at this point. Meaning more flashbacks, panic, fear and other stuff to come crashing in around n on me to the point i break away, land up crying and at times throw up...
and yes saying those words to someone other than my son is quite terrifying to me...
I've always though had a crush on him off and on so this is why its soo darned confusing... I will think of all.. n add to a post...

Jayy
_________________________
I don't want to look back;I just want to start again;Somebody save me--- Pop Evil: Broken and Betrayed

I want justice I want you overthrown;I want courage I want to stand alone;I want your arrogance and I want your pain;I want your everything and I want you dead--- Rev Theory: Justice

Top
#394198 - 04/20/12 03:22 AM Re: confused in a huge mess [Re: dragon]
dragon Offline


Registered: 04/17/12
Posts: 354
Loc: on the river between Hades n V...
as my thoughts still wonder and ponder the current situation I am left to disect this much further... as i am currently considering i am Bi...

I will start with my best friends girlfriend: I seem to love her, truly love her... but am i truly loving her because she is another best friend to me? do i have to love her for the reason she has been with my best friend? do i have to love her because my son also adores her? do i love her for her being there for me and not running away? do i love her as more of a sister type and friend type that a love lover type?? if i can't answere these than i am currently skrewed until i can figure this out.. I appreciate all the help she has given me and the support. I appreciate our "try attempt" even when she got frustrated because i couldn't finish... I know she knows why i can't finish or attempt to even initiate any contact at all but i sometimes wonder if she can fully and does fully understand.. hmm these questions plague me...wish they wouldn't

as for my best friend: I am attracted to him? why?? was it bc i suffered the abuse (god its still hard to say that word since growing up i only knew it called one thing "love")?? Well even that would be hard to answer considering i've always had this crush on him off and on but yes always attracted to him. Again was this from the abuse??? shaped from it?? I love him yes and appreciate everything he has done for my son and me. Am I obligated to love him though?? Bc he's done soo much for me and my son? Obligated to love him because my son adores him and he adores my son?? I feel obligated to say I LOVE U to him.. I feel that i don't even deserve his love.. I can't even say it to him bc the word in itself terrifies me to death. What if i do say it to him? Will he turn around and hurt me somehow even though i know this isn't true?? I am not uncapeable of saying I love you for i say it to my son but I am not scared to tell him that. I am certaintley scared to tell him though and why, why should i be? Ahh yes, i should be because everyone that ever loved me and said this to me wanted more that just love, they wanted to bring hurt and darkness upon me.. So technically i don't know if his love is true because i don't trust love. I trust him but i don't trust the "I Love You" part of him. He understands and accepts but for him to tell me i NEED to get over certain aspects and just say it kinda pains me and makes me pull backwards when i just want to step/run forward to him. But he will never truly understand will he? No maybe not but i still find i am loving him... He didn't get mad when i could finish when i tried to be intimate with him, he tried to comfort me by hugging me which stressed me further and i knew i pained him but he backed off... he didn't get upset when the next night i tried again with his girlfriend ok hell he even gave the approval (though i think yet they conspired it) but he never got angry.. Yes we fought bc i can't tell him "i love you" though if he only knew why i can't say it... hmmm

OK so i wrote this and decided to talk to him... I had a hellish day and as i talked i kept thinking to myself which one do I love most... I basically to her that i love her but even though i am attracted to her slightly i just have more attraction to him. They broke up earlier in the day and i had no idea of this. I made her mad and she stormed out and came back when my friend wasn't in the room...She basically pushed me down on the couch as i tried to walk away and started screaming at me and saying stuff... Which why i never just screamed back at her i have no idea but in a way i was literally brought back to the horror of my young self. She slapped me a couple times which by then i have no idea even why... my best friend came literally running out of the room and went after her bc after the smack in my face she leaves... I heard him demand for her to say sorry to me but of course she is mad and doesn't and saying to him how she just tried she gives up... frown how i wish she just wouldn't have done this to me at this point right now. I needed her to be supportive of me and understand, hmm i think i just offended her (i tend to do this) My friend came up and of course his reaction is to try to hug me but i back away and he backs up. He says ok i will give you space.. I can't believe what he is doing though because he knelt and extended his hand opening it to me and said "I love you no matter how long it may take you to tell me you love me. I will be here for you and for your son. Friend for now is ok by me and we will work on our relationship when you are ready. I won't push you i realize now i can't. I'm sorry she did that. She had no right. I DO TRULY LOVE YOU! whether you can believe it or not it isn't horrible. I love you and whether you believe u are worthy of it or not u are and i do love you. How many times do I have to say it to you for you to accept it" and dumb founded me looked into his hand and i saw a ring he got me. smirk a skull ring confused now he knows i like stuff like that gothic n all but why a ring?? I left him put the ring on my finger, hug me and even give me a kiss on the cheek. But for now he will wait for me to tell him that i love him.. i appreciate him doing so... i still don't understand his thinking at all confused why he even still loves me.. but i do love him back i just find it hard right now to say it to him.

I am sorry this was sooo long... i needed to put this because even though i am still so damned confused, i think i truly love him with my heart (as hard as this comes to me) i just have to admit i CANNOT say i love you to him because it scares me to death to say it. i still think i am bi but i guess time will definately tell n i will know the truth... and yes i am getting another therapist because he was the one who kinda pushed me into the "experimental" situation that led to both trying to bed me down with no success.. i don't think i woulda done this if he wouldn't have told me to or even kept asking if i did. he made me feel like i had to so i did and it went soo wrong frown

Jayy
_________________________
I don't want to look back;I just want to start again;Somebody save me--- Pop Evil: Broken and Betrayed

I want justice I want you overthrown;I want courage I want to stand alone;I want your arrogance and I want your pain;I want your everything and I want you dead--- Rev Theory: Justice

Top
#394308 - 04/21/12 01:43 AM * [Re: dragon]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/28/13 05:23 PM)

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#394327 - 04/21/12 04:44 AM Re: confused in a huge mess [Re: Smalltown80sBoy]
dragon Offline


Registered: 04/17/12
Posts: 354
Loc: on the river between Hades n V...
Thank you it helps being understood and definately not judged.. I will figure it out i know, still confusing but he is willing to give me time and take it at my own pace which is what i need right now..

thats exactly how i feel too. that whoever said they loved me hurt me and stuff. It didn't really mean anything to me after a while.. so hearing it and having someone mean it confuses me and hurts me and scares me..

(((HUGS)))
Jayy
_________________________
I don't want to look back;I just want to start again;Somebody save me--- Pop Evil: Broken and Betrayed

I want justice I want you overthrown;I want courage I want to stand alone;I want your arrogance and I want your pain;I want your everything and I want you dead--- Rev Theory: Justice

Top
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