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#393511 - 04/15/12 01:39 AM Re: Crazy, confused, or possibly abused- please help [Re: birdsurfer]
lapchinj Online   content
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1237
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/17/13 08:19 PM)
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#393938 - 04/18/12 01:52 PM Re: Crazy, confused, or possibly abused- please help [Re: petercorbett]
birdsurfer Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/21/06
Posts: 14
Hi Pete

Thanks for the advice and sharing. As I cannot afford therapy right now, but I will try and get the book you mention. Not putting your life on hold until you figure things out sounds very wise, but is difficult at times.

I am sorry to learn of the pain you suffered at the hands of your mom and of the tainted love from the man you speak of. Still, it sounds like you did have some love in your childhood that you can recall fondly and hopefully you have found or will find such love again. And with the promise or hope of that love find enduring solace and peace.

Thanks again, and best wishes.

Richard

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#393942 - 04/18/12 03:09 PM Re: Crazy, confused, or possibly abused- please help [Re: Smalltown80sBoy]
birdsurfer Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/21/06
Posts: 14
Hi Gary

Thanks for sharing, the advice, and the links to the posts and guidebook. I have yet to read it through, but it looks quite helpful, as you no doubt can attest to.

As for internalized homophobia, its weird, because consciously it does not seem to fit me, but behaviorly, it and/or abuse seems like the best explanation for my life and situation. Either way, somewhere along the way, via the culture or via abuse or both, I got the message that its not safe or OK to be me.

Anyway, its funny, as you and the guidebook suggest, I have been meaning to look at old photos/movies for quite some time now to look for any previously unnoticed personal and family dynamics that could help explain my situation or feelings, but have actively avoided doing so.

I think I have not done so mainly because I felt it would be depressing (lost youth, failed dreams, etc.), but perhaps there is more to the avoidance than this. There is also a faint sense of anxiety of seeing something I dont really want to see. My family has always been one to project and protect an image of success and normalcy but I have never thought that image reflected reality. And people who see things differently are apt to be thought of, or think of themselves, as a little crazy or at least confused. I mean its one thing to know something is false, it is quite another to know what is in fact the truth. And whether or not abuse is the truth or not, I really need to find out and am grateful to you and the others on this site for their courage, inspiration, and help in finding the truth.

I am sorry to hear of the pain and rekindled trauma you experienced this past holiday season. I hope it has since subsided and that it was cathartic and helpful in your journey to heal and find peace.

Thanks again and best wishes,
Richard

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#393944 - 04/18/12 05:06 PM Re: Crazy, confused, or possibly abused- please help [Re: Vadrian]
birdsurfer Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/21/06
Posts: 14
Hi and thanks again Vadrian for your comments and sharing.

Yes, I agree pedophilia must emerge from a problem in very early sexual development. Dont think the cycle of abuse explains it all though.

I also agree that my excessive shyness and isolation is more than just temperment and that is indeed why I am trying to remember what in the past could account for it.

To me the fact that I have such a poor memory for early events and occasionally have suggestive dreams and feelings may mean that dissociated memories exist in my case too. And while I certainly do not want to re-experience any trauma, I do want to be able to piece things together as not having a good understanding or explanation for things as they are is very unsettling. Any suggestions on how better to recall my childhood and what sort of things should I be looking at and thinking about?

In addition to really looking into my childhood more, I guess will have to work on my emotional fortitude and resilience somehow (not one of my strong suits) and wait and let my mind reveal to me what remains obscure.

You seem like you are now on a good path to healing. That's great! I hope it has not been too painful and that true peace of mind is at hand.

Thanks again and best wishes,

Richard

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#393950 - 04/18/12 06:18 PM Re: Crazy, confused, or possibly abused- please help [Re: lapchinj]
birdsurfer Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/21/06
Posts: 14
Thanks Jeff.

Yeah, as soon as I can afford therapy, it will be topic #1. I'll have to rely on books, self-exploration, and the kindness of folks like you and the others on this site in the meantime.

Richard

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#394026 - 04/19/12 08:59 AM Re: Crazy, confused, or possibly abused- please help [Re: birdsurfer]
lapchinj Online   content
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1237
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/17/13 08:20 PM)
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#394032 - 04/19/12 09:15 AM Re: Crazy, confused, or possibly abused- please help [Re: birdsurfer]
lapchinj Online   content
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1237
Loc: New York
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Edited by lapchinj (03/17/13 08:20 PM)
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#394039 - 04/19/12 10:20 AM Re: Crazy, confused, or possibly abused- please help [Re: birdsurfer]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3493
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Richard -

I just wanted to respond to your question:

*** And while I certainly do not want to re-experience any trauma, I do want to be able to piece things together as not having a good understanding or explanation for things as they are is very unsettling. Any suggestions on how better to recall my childhood and what sort of things should I be looking at and thinking about? ***

Like Jeff said, reading books and others' stories is very helpful. I've had several "new" but really old memories after being triggered by something i read that was similar in some way to my experience.

I would add - writing has been an amazing prompter for me. first thing my T did was ask me to write my life story from the earliest memories - all the details of anything that i thought was important. and he said to do it longhand because it would get my brain working differently than keyboarding. and give me more time to think about it. as i wrote, i discovered that more details would emerge and that i would make connections and fill in gaps that i hadn't realized till then.

Once some new stuff started to surface, it happened more frequently. I wasn't consciously or intentionally trying to remember things because i didn't know there was more than what i already knew. But there was a significant amount. sometimes if you are trying too hard you sort of block yourself. that was what happened to me earlier - years back when i tried unsuccessfully to dig up everything.

is there anyone around who you can talk over old times with - who is safe - and would remember things you might have forgotten? if so you could just go back and see what they might know that you might have forgotten. even if it is not the repressed events, it might trigger some memory of lead to something else. If you try this, i;d suggest leaving it open-ended - rather than fishing for something specific. like ask - what can you tell me about what i was like when i was 3 or 5 or what was life like for our family when i was little - or whatever...

so i'd say learn as much as you can wherever you can, ask lots of questions of other survivors and people who know your childhood and you'll be in more of the right state of mind to let it out.

hope that helps a little,
Lee
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As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#394196 - 04/20/12 03:03 AM Re: Crazy, confused, or possibly abused- please help [Re: birdsurfer]
1lifenow Offline


Registered: 03/07/11
Posts: 411
Loc: west coast
Originally Posted By: birdsurfer
Or was it the pot? I am so confused and distressed.
So I dont understand why then if I was abused, I cant remember it.

Any advice or comments would be greatly appreciated.


Birdsurfer, you ask some great questions and your confusion is understandable. First off, the easy one is, It's NOT the pot.

On a recent course I attended on severe psychological trauma, these memories that are vague and unclear were addressed. When things happen b4 age 5, the "memory" is experienced by the body and early nervous system but there is no real clear picture cuz b4 this age there rarely is. These traumatic memories are preconceptual, subpsychological and non verbal. There are no words. Yet the early nervous system can respond to these triggers the same way. It may account for irrational fear, your panic , your confusion. All things a child this age would experience.

So your shrink was right, most do remember cuz the abuse most often continues past this age, yours may not have. Your vague memory about a male nude from the waist down matches that pre 5 perspective both psycholically and literally from a child looking up.

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showthreaded&Number=393358#Post393358

this is a thread I wrote about relating to a recently published study about a possible explanation for the internalized homophobia you related.

Originally Posted By: birdsurfer
I have always told myself it was shame over appearance (which I've been told is just fine), fear of HIV, and presumably internalized homophobia.


This may also explain some of the aversions you also experience now. Touch, intimacy, fear of but desire for sex, etc. One of the things recommended was a qualified sex therapist, they may be able to help by slowly releasing the attachment of touch and sex to this early experience. The two will be forever linked unless our nervous system can relearn they dont go together. This can happen. As well therapists who practice somatic experiencing or trauma re-patterning can help you with this as well. If you cant pay right now, sometimes there are community resources especially through lgbt places and universities have therapists in training that can often help.

It can make a huge difference. Just because you cant remember does not mean it did not happen.
_________________________
The need for love lies at the very foundation of human existence. Dalai Lama

WoR Barrie 2011

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#394232 - 04/20/12 12:11 PM Re: Crazy, confused, or possibly abused- please help [Re: birdsurfer]
lapchinj Online   content
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1237
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/17/13 08:20 PM)
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