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#39384 - 01/19/06 01:33 PM Re: and just when things were going so well...
Peter 1950 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/29/05
Posts: 51
Loc: Atlanta
Guys,

It's a new day, and after a (somewhat) better nights sleep, things look a little brighter and more clear.

I believe that I was "hardwired" to be gay (or somewhere near that end of the spectrum). Maybe that made me more of a target for my perp. Anyway, I hated the SA and never wanted any part of it. I think I formed some very negative feelings about sex with men as a result. But that left me really confused, because I've always been attracted to other guys. My "solution" came from meeting the woman who has been my wife for 33 years, someone who showed me love and opened the door to a life I never thought I'd have.

I'm at a point where I think I should accept that and move on. The place where I'm at right now is just too damned painful. I know I'm attracted to men. I've never acted on that attraction. I'm lucky to have the wife and family that I have, and I should be thankful for that. I just need to accept that I've been leading a life, and that I will continue to lead a life, that's different than that for which I've been "hardwired".

I think I can do that, and I think it will be a lot less painful than this. I'm going to kick that around with my T today.

Jason, your words are a comfort. And I think you're right about orientation being a spectrum. I have lots of fears about whether I'll still be loved by the people who matter to me once they learn who I am.

Morning Star, maybe all my fantasizing about men is my way of acting out. I just don't know. And, I don't really understand that aspect of our common set of issues. Can you clarify, and help me?

Delta, some days it seems to hurt so bad that it's hard to see that I've come as far as I could for the day, as you put it. Wise advice. Thanks.

Seeker2, welcome. I'm sorry that you have a history that we all share and that you need the help that's available here, but I'm glad for you that you've found this site and this incredible collection of brothers. We share a tragic past, but we support one another in an incredibly powerful way as we work toward what we all hope will be a better future. Any time I can be of help, in any way, please let me know.

George, thanks for your wisdom. I think you're right that there are different answers for each of us, and the struggle is all about finding what's right. Tough work, huh?

Guys, you all have my deep appreciation. Your support means more to me than words can express.

Peter


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#39385 - 01/19/06 03:20 PM Re: and just when things were going so well...
george of kent Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/05
Posts: 305
Loc: delaware
Nice summarizing of this very powerful thread up to this point, Brother Peter.
One of my mantras that I use daily is "take it one day at a time" which is intended to remind me to curb my impatience and frustration and self critical mind fuck games. I am always my own worst critic. Thanks for reminding me that it's a real positive result when I realize "I've come as far as I could for the day"
Love, etc.,
p.s. Just keep in touch; we're all cheering for you.

_________________________
"We are only two and yet our howling can encircle the world's end.
Frightened, you are my only friend.
And frightened we are, every one.
Someone must take a stand -- Coward, take my coward's hand"
Arthur Laurents

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#39386 - 01/19/06 03:46 PM Re: and just when things were going so well...
Morning Star Offline
Member

Registered: 12/21/04
Posts: 1124
Loc: Home
Peter,

I think you Act-Out when you replay your abuse, as that becomes your mechanism for seeking love or power whatever that you seek.

When I was so conviced that I was gay, because my sexual attraction to gay men was all too powerful, my guide said, "Why dont you explore those feelings, instead of assuming or pointificating, or staying in limbo or the 'What-if' zone.

So I went ahead and had sex with a man who 'loved' me, and it was awful, I hated it, it brought back memories of my childhood molestation and felt demeaning. That shocked me as for 20 years I was pining for it!

Seems I just liked the idea of a man loving me, but when it happened for real, I realized it wasn't what I was looking for.

My sexual fantasies about men, were just an extension of my abuse replay or a living nightmare, a nightmare that I lived thru everyday.

I literally had to push myself to snap out of this dream. As it felt so real.

Eventually this saved my life, as well as my dignity, helped me reclaim my sex life, my authentic sex life to be precise.

And yes I feel I am beginning to respect myself more.

_________________________
~ It's over!...Let go of Thy Past, Remember Thy Self ~

Why Don't People Heal, by Caroline Myss; 30 days to clean up your vibrations - Abraham-Hicks

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#39387 - 01/19/06 07:10 PM Re: and just when things were going so well...
Dewey Offline
Member

Registered: 11/13/02
Posts: 137
Loc: the sunshine state
For me I think my feelings of same-sex attractedness come from a sense of lack of my own true masculinity. It's more of a feeling of just wanting to be held, comforted, told everything's going to be fine, I'm strong, I'm going to make it , I have what it takes... ect. Or you know what...? Telling another male the same things that I feel I need to hear would somehow produce the desired results in me too. Really, just wanting to be genuinely loved. Somehow it gets eroticzied [sp?]. It's like, and maybe I'm oversimplifying here,that a man needs a burger [sex] and a woman needs a seven course meal,all those things mentioned above, and because true male-female intimacy was never modeled for me, I don't see myself as that great a cook. Just kinda rambling here D.

_________________________
I refuse to use my past as an excuse to not have a future.
My hero Dad; Trigger warning- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oi3Hyxuf5AE

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#39388 - 01/19/06 08:32 PM Re: and just when things were going so well...
Morning Star Offline
Member

Registered: 12/21/04
Posts: 1124
Loc: Home
Wow, Dewey you have nailed it quite well, sexual prefernces are rooted in our sense of sexuality, our masculinity or feminity. What we lack within or what we think we lack, we seek on the outside. That is unless we learn to deny what we are out of fear. Or when someone denies that in ourselves, as it happens during sexual abuse.

Since as a child responding like a man got me into trouble, I concluded that it is safe only to be like a woman. While sex with men was my only way to express my love, it also became my only outlet of my sexuality, and sex with women was unimaginable.

When abused by a man, our own sexuality got denied and repressed, and we learnt we behave the same way ourselves, thinking that is the right way, becuase that made us feel love.
Soon you start feeling like what you are not. But inside you know it is not all true. This repression of sexuality gives rise to insidious self hate and anger.

Part of my recovery has been to connect with my own masculinity, and realising that it is safe to be myself and respond like a man. I have learnt to focus on that, the rest of the issues of attraction have automatically healed. Because I have found it within.
My recovery was delayed when I tried to repress and deny my attraction for masculinity, once I allowed it to be expressed, I realised it wasn't the true thing and I was just acting out. So even stopping acting out was also repressive just because I didn't want to called gay, that kept me stuck in my attraction for masculinity.
Little did I know then, that it was only, body's auto recovery mechanism of sexual balance. So when I allowed the natural flow of sexual energies to happen without blocking it out of fear of society I allow it get balanced gradually. I realised this wasn't I was looking for!

It is like focusing on the darkness too much never makes it go away, infact only increases it many folds, it was when I started focussing on the light the darkness dissolves in it. I became what I was within. It was my true 'coming out'!


And you right that ultimately we are all looking for love. Yes I too just wanted to be held and comforted by a man, once that happened I didnt want to go ahead, once I felt loved enough.
Sadly, I didnt do that for myself as a child, I got scared, I tuned out, I ran away from myself,that is why I felt unloved. Because I stopped bothering about myself, I hated myself quietly for not doing any thing for me, for not coming for my rescue.I didnt like it, but I still did it because there was no other way I knew to get love, I kept quiet during abuse, that is why a part of me that knew the truth started hating myself, it was only I began to forgive myself that I learned to love myself again, and part of my healing has been learning to tune in to myself, listen to what I am feeling, for they always tell the truth, not what my mind says.Imagine, all my life I was looking for attention, today I know I looking for my own attention, my own love and my own respect. I had to change first for the world to change around me. I am the creator of my destiny, my reality dictates my outer truth.

But now I am learning to do all that for myself, to comfort myself when I am hurt, to defend myself when I am attacked or hurt, to stand up for what I want and need, to demand love and whatever I need, in short to love myself just the way I wanted all those men to do. To be the man that I was looking for, the man I always was.

_________________________
~ It's over!...Let go of Thy Past, Remember Thy Self ~

Why Don't People Heal, by Caroline Myss; 30 days to clean up your vibrations - Abraham-Hicks

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#39389 - 01/20/06 07:20 AM Re: and just when things were going so well...
Morning Star Offline
Member

Registered: 12/21/04
Posts: 1124
Loc: Home
Our growing up years are crucial in forming our sense of self, as much our sexual self. When we get signals from our peer regarding our male sexual behaviour, but sometimes when we donít have good role in our home, or when there is an abuse from our role models as in the case of abuse, we tend to believe in the image that has been given to us. As children we rely too much on external approvals of our sense self or for our sexual identity, our sexuality is formed by what we learn or see reflected in our peers, so when we get confused or unhealthy signals as during childhood abuse, we get confused. This dependency makes us vulnerable to abuse of influences and power of control.
Part of getting back our sexual identity is getting our sense of self back; that is when we stop relying on others and external symptoms for our sexual self.
Then it does matter how masculine or feminine we are or what the world thinks about our sexuality, we are what we are. Until we remain true to our selves, the rest doesnít matter. Proving our sexuality to the world can be an exhaustive exercise if we not convinced our selves or sure, but once we know the truth we are free.

That is when we realize that it doesnít matter which category we fall into, unless we learn to respect what we are and rejoice in it, no one else can make us happy, but if we are not happy with what we are, we will try hard to make others happy and expect them to make us happy. It is a futile race and often leads to disasters.

We are what we are at this moment, because we are meant to explore the world and our self thru that tiny window into our self, that viewpoint will make us aware of that part of our reality. And once we have done that we are ready to move on and we do.

A boy gets his reference of male sexuality thru his father, or later in life thru peers. But when that is missing or when something goes during growing up, as in abuse you tend to take wrong or mixed signals regarding your sexual identity, just as your self worth.

The only way to get back to our sexual identity or sexuality is to not depend on others to give you proofs of our sexuality.

_________________________
~ It's over!...Let go of Thy Past, Remember Thy Self ~

Why Don't People Heal, by Caroline Myss; 30 days to clean up your vibrations - Abraham-Hicks

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#39390 - 01/20/06 01:04 PM Re: and just when things were going so well...
Peter 1950 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/29/05
Posts: 51
Loc: Atlanta
George, Morning Star, Dewey,

Thanks to you all. You've given me lots to think about. Doing better today than this time yesterday. Saw my T and felt more centered afterwards. Had a pretty good discussion with my wife before dinner (the first meal I could eat yesterday), but she said something pretty disturbing. She wants me to take anything having to do with same sex attraction and "send it away." She wants me to get over the obsession with what happend. She says she hates watching me in agony.

A lot of that feels right, except that for years I've repressed the part of me that's attracted to guys. Now she wants me to discard that part altogether. I'm not sure that's right, or fair, or for the best. Then I read what you wrote, Morning Star, and question the wisdom of giving up all I've had and all I value for sex with a man, only to discover that I don't like it at all. I think that's a very real possibility, despite the erotic appeal.

My T has a small wooden box on the table next to his chair, and he suggested (not the first time) that we leave all of this "in the box" for a few days until I see him again on Tuesday. He thinks I've let this get too intense, and that I need a break. I think he's right.

I'm going to stay away from the site for a few days, I think...maybe until Tuesday or Wednesday. That's unless I drop into the hole again and need y'alls help getting out.

Thanks to all of you for the help and support.

Take care, guys.

Peter


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#39391 - 01/20/06 02:43 PM Re: and just when things were going so well...
Morning Star Offline
Member

Registered: 12/21/04
Posts: 1124
Loc: Home
\:\)

_________________________
~ It's over!...Let go of Thy Past, Remember Thy Self ~

Why Don't People Heal, by Caroline Myss; 30 days to clean up your vibrations - Abraham-Hicks

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#39392 - 01/20/06 05:31 PM Re: and just when things were going so well...
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Peter,

A lot has been said above above sexuality and labels, and here I can only add that so far as I am concerned our main task is to be true to ourselves, not to the labels of Hollywood or Madison Avenue. Gay? Straight? What about all the territory in between and all around? Why should we limit the range of our own options and possibilities for happiness and fulfillment to suit stereotypes and empty cliches?

I think the real questions are things like this: What do I want and need? Can I be faithful to anyone assuming I love that person enough? What else in a relationship do I value apart from sex? Is a drastic change worth the loss of what I already have? It is possible for anyone ever to feel 100% sexually fulfilled? And so on.

I suggest this as a way of asking you whether, for you, the essential question is really so simple as "am I gay?".

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#39393 - 01/20/06 11:43 PM Re: and just when things were going so well...
seeker2 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 01/11/06
Posts: 4
Loc: Salt Lake City, Ut
Peter and Morning Star,

After reading the posts, I feel as though I have found what may be the last of the onion layers I have been discovering about myself. What you guys wrote really hit home, and I have been dancing around the issue for some time. I actually feel as though a weight has been taken off my chest.
My sincere thanks to all the guys that make the effort to write into this great tool,MS.
I do not feel comfortable writing much yet, I will be reading. Thanks


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