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#39374 - 01/18/06 02:38 AM and just when things were going so well...
Peter 1950 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/29/05
Posts: 51
Loc: Atlanta
For the last week, I've felt better than in a long time. Even went without beer many of those days. I need to be numb whenever this stuff gets to me. For decades that's apparently been nearly every day. So cutting back to one or none from 3-5 is kind of a big deal.

Yesterday was therapy day (about our 4th) with my wife and my first impulse was to cancel. I wasn't comfortable and didn't want to go. But we went. A big issue for us is my attraction to some other men. I think it comes from the SA somehow; my wife's not so sure and does resent the fact that I didn't tell her until last year (about 30 years too late). We usually get around to that topic every time. Her take is I need to figure out "who I am" after which she'll decide whether she can cope with that. One very good thing that happened yesterday was that she said she thought we were going to be okay; that we'd stay together. I was elated.

Later I talked about how the attraction had been around "forever" (meaning since the time of my SA) and while it would certainly ease my pain and simplify my life if it just went away one day, it was hard to imagine that. I commented that I've struggled with it for decades. Our T looked me right in the eye and said, "All you have to do is decide, then the struggle is over."

I paused. My impulse was to say, "Okay, that's it. I'm gay." And it was a very strong impulse. But I couldn't do it. Not just because my wife was sitting there. But because I just don't know. I've never even kissed a man. My SA with the minister was limited to mutual masterbation (a lot for a long time) and constant entreaties from him for oral sex. He kidded that I needed "artificial respiration" if I took awhile to get hard, but always offered it with a very clear understanding that it was a two way street. His "kidding" seemed to give me an out, which I always took. So though I know the attractions are strong, much stronger than for women, I've never tested it out.

I feel like I caught...with no solution. Part of me feels those attractions so intensely that I think I must be gay. Yet another part of me loves my wife, enjoys sex with her and craves the emotional attachment we have. Seems like there's no way to confirm that I'm gay without risking (probably destroying) my marriage, and I'm not willing to do that.

Then to keep things really interesting, my wife offered the opinion that "Dr. Freud" would say that my attraction to men comes from the fact (and it is a big-time fact) that I could never win the interest, attention or approval of my father. Never thought about that before. Maybe she's right. (Did she see that on Oprah?)

Anyway, my head is spinning...

After quite a number of beers, I fell asleep around 10:30, but by 2:00 I was awake,sitting alone at the top of the stairs more depressed than I'd been in months. Today, I've been on the verge of tears all day (probably trying to deal with the world on 3 hours sleep is partly to blame), but I'm better. I'm more in control, and I'm coping.

But, what a roller coaster! I'm seeing my shrink on Thursday and I hope he can help me make sense of this.

Meanwhile, I'm really struggling. When you read this, what do you see that I'm missing? Any thoughts, guys? I could really use some help.

Peter


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#39375 - 01/18/06 03:30 AM Re: and just when things were going so well...
endlessjourney Offline
Member

Registered: 11/01/05
Posts: 518
Loc: Cincinnati Ohio
Peter, good luck with your "confusion". I used that word because that is probably the main thing you feel now. I can relate to what you are saying immensely just by the way you described your feelings. Its scary. The hardest part is facing the actual truth whether you are attracted to men or women. Sexuality should be a lot more general when referring to someone's sexual orientation. My philosophy is that here is no one that is "gay", and there is no one that is "straight". Were all somewhere in between those two and regardless where we are on that spectrum, as long as we know that it is OK and that people will still love us, we will be OK regardless. It's so easy to just say I'm gay, label it and try to deal with it. At least you know whats going on with yourself or so you think. My T gave me a what would you do survey in regards to a similar situation to yours and I promised to myself that I would be honest no matter how scary it was. (somethings, you feel you just don't want to know). The urge to say that I am gay or straight was like taking a long test and BS'ing the last 5 answers just to get the damn thing over with. That's the easy way. Taking your time and letting revelations come to you as they will, I feel, is your best bet. And the fear, if you look at how far you've came through all of this, I'm sure the fear will subside and you'll see the truth.

Good luck! Yea, I need to cut down on the beers myself.

Jason

_________________________
Truth is the very reason we strive to live. It surrounds and resides within us. Accepting the truths we already know and seeking out those we do not is a direct path to inner balance and joy. For life is not a means to an end, but a journey. Life comes and goes but the truth will always live on.

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#39376 - 01/18/06 08:18 AM Re: and just when things were going so well...
Morning Star Offline
Member

Registered: 12/21/04
Posts: 1124
Loc: Home
I lost my power as a child when I had sex with a man first, so each time I feel out of power in real life, I act out, I go back to my old mechanisms of gaining back my lost power, I imagine sex with men.

Boy that is powerful, because it is all about power. Real sex is all about love not power, having had sex with men never made me feel loved or loving, I just felt I had got my power back.

I had 'made' this man love me, as I never could as a child, felt neglected as a child by my father, so was constantly looking for the father figure I never had, you wife is right there.

Since sex with men was all about power, it was such a hard habit to kick. But then once I decided it was acting out of abuse and not love I stopped.

Now each time such a thought comes to mind I just remind myself, it is abuse, not me. And each time I do that, my heart expands. As if I am coming back to myself.

Yes, it is a gradual process, and on has to work on it everyday for it works like deaddiction. Remember, it is all about your power to choose, between your past and your future.

Alcohol might feel good, but in your heart you know it is not really good for you. For each drink you have to say learn to say NO.

Same with sex with men.

_________________________
~ It's over!...Let go of Thy Past, Remember Thy Self ~

Why Don't People Heal, by Caroline Myss; 30 days to clean up your vibrations - Abraham-Hicks

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#39377 - 01/18/06 01:03 PM Re: and just when things were going so well...
delta.tetra Offline
Member

Registered: 04/17/05
Posts: 108
Loc: Netherlands
Peter I don't have any advice I just feel your struggle and your strength as you search for all your truth. You are doing OK! I think, because you are paying attention to your beers and working at your therapy and not destroying yourself and your relationships, you have got as far as you possibly could today, and tomorrow you will go further again towards healing. bless


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#39378 - 01/18/06 03:03 PM Re: and just when things were going so well...
seeker2 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 01/11/06
Posts: 4
Loc: Salt Lake City, Ut
I have been reading the posts on this site for several months now. I finally got the courage to register so I can interact with you guys. Peter, I am struggling with the same issue, am I gay, or am I straight? I am married to a wonderful parnter and feel so guilty when I act out with men.
I have to go to work, so the first post is short, yet it already ready feels right just seeing,(in print), the fact that I do not know who I am adds some clarity. seeker2


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#39379 - 01/18/06 03:04 PM Re: and just when things were going so well...
seeker2 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 01/11/06
Posts: 4
Loc: Salt Lake City, Ut
I have been reading the posts on this site for several months now. I finally got the courage to register so I can interact with you guys. Peter, I am struggling with the same issue, am I gay, or am I straight? I am married to a wonderful parnter and feel so guilty when I act out with men.
I have to go to work, so the first post is short, yet it already ready feels right just seeing,(in print), the fact that I do not know who I am adds some clarity. seeker2


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#39380 - 01/18/06 03:32 PM Re: and just when things were going so well...
george of kent Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/05
Posts: 305
Loc: delaware
ok, guys,
i think we're all more than a little too obsessed with labels here.
The human psyche is way too complex and too flexible for those neat little boxes we try to put them all into.
This 67 yo survivor considers himself "gay" (living in a stable same sex relationship for 26+ years) who was married and fathered three children. Despite being attracted to men, I'd probably still be (more or less) contentedly married to the mother of my kids if we had not had major clashes in parenting philosophies and some serious alcohol abuse problems (Navy careerist, officers' club happy hour, etc.,)
Peter, maybe I'm kidding myself here, but i think my point is that there is no one "right" answer for all CSA survivors. We're all different, we may each have slightly different needs.
The only thing in this arena that I think I know for sure is that, while I may have been abused because I was gay (????), I was queer long before I was abused.
Best of luck, Peter. And remember, deciding not to decide IS also a decision. Please stay in touch.
Love, etc.,

_________________________
"We are only two and yet our howling can encircle the world's end.
Frightened, you are my only friend.
And frightened we are, every one.
Someone must take a stand -- Coward, take my coward's hand"
Arthur Laurents

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#39381 - 01/18/06 06:42 PM Re: and just when things were going so well...
Morning Star Offline
Member

Registered: 12/21/04
Posts: 1124
Loc: Home
I dont think hanging in limbo regarding sexuality is the best of ideas, because if it was so Peter would not be seeking counselling, .

I believe question here is about deciding our sexual preference, amongst various possibilities. So each one of us have the right to decide where do we stand and why. Limbo or lasting confusion is not the solution for lasting peace. Sooner or later, you have to take a call.

_________________________
~ It's over!...Let go of Thy Past, Remember Thy Self ~

Why Don't People Heal, by Caroline Myss; 30 days to clean up your vibrations - Abraham-Hicks

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#39382 - 01/18/06 11:17 PM Re: and just when things were going so well...
george of kent Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/05
Posts: 305
Loc: delaware
Lasting confusion is not the solution for anything, to be sure. For a few of us, however, being in limbo as to sexual "preference" is not only possible but is also desirable. I guess I'm thinking mostly of the few (really few) gay men that I know personally who do remain married to women out of choice, convenience or comfortable habit -- or "for the sake of the children."
I don't know (or want to know) details of their sex lives, but these men (mostly 55+) seem to be quite content (and so do their wives as far as I can tell) to remain in between the gay and straight worlds.
This kind of arrangement would not have worked for me, nor for most of the gay guys I know; but for a few this is what they say works best for them.
True, each one of us has the right to decide for oneself.
Peter, hope this thread has been helpful to you and not too far off topic.
Love, etc.,

_________________________
"We are only two and yet our howling can encircle the world's end.
Frightened, you are my only friend.
And frightened we are, every one.
Someone must take a stand -- Coward, take my coward's hand"
Arthur Laurents

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#39383 - 01/19/06 02:07 AM Re: and just when things were going so well...
Peter 1950 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/29/05
Posts: 51
Loc: Atlanta
Guys, every one of you,

Thanks to all of you for your support. These past couple of days have been awfully dark. Maybe I'm getting very close to what will be some pretty painful decisions. The idea of ending the struggle is pretty appealing, but the idea of ending my marriage is terrifying. I already fear that I've made my life worse, not better, by disclosing my attractions to my wife.

She's said many times that she is saddened by the SA and wishes it never happened, but she can accept that news in a way that she cannot accept my attractions. Now some things have changed that make it worse. We have sex less, making me hornier and more tempted. Some aspects of our sex life have disappeared altogether since my disclosure. I can't even bring myself to talk with her about it, but it just seems to escalate and get worse and worse.

We've been married for 33 years. In many respects our marriage has been very good. We have two grown married daughters, and two grandchildren. I'm afraid to lose all that.

Then, on the other hand, I read a review of Brokeback Mountain. In one scene, one of the wives is described as witnessing a kiss between the guys and seeing passion in her husband that she'd never seen before. And I wonder am I missing out on the life I was supposed to lead.

So confusing, such a mess and so depressing. I see my T tomorrow, and I hope he can help.

You guys are great. Thanks for all your support your wisdom and your love.

Peter


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