sorry guys but I wasn't sure where to put this post.

I guess the main Male Survivors area would be a good place but i just was not sure.
If the mods want to move it, then it is fine by me.

So anyway, has anyone ever thought of, or used sex as a way to 'pay' someone back for a favor or for that someone being kind to them. In my mind it was like: "if this person is nice to me and kind and shows some interest in me, then i could have sex with them if they wanted me to."

Up until my late 20's, this was the way that i thought about sex. i now think that it is a very distorted view of sexual relations with someone else, but I saw it that way for example:
I remember when I was 23 and interviewing for this job and there was this elderly woman there that was very kind to me. She gave me a lot of complements and she said that I was too talented for the position, although if i still wanted to pursue it, then I could have it. Well, before i got up to shake her hand and leave, I kept thinking in my mind that if she wanted me to have sex with her, then i would--sorta to pay her back for her kindness (and maybe please her?). I wasn't fantasizing about having sex with her or at all attracted physically to her in any way- she was obese and probably in her 60's, but she was very sweet and gentile, not to mention very complementary towards me.

I think that I have felt this way on and off again with sex, especially when I don't want to engage in it with someone but feel as though I really should or kind of have to because of their generosity.

I know now that my view of sex between ppl was extremely distorted to the point were it was never an expression of Equality with Love, but rather a grotesque and perverted way of pleasing somebody else.

Does this make any sense to anyone?

I realize now how crazy that this all sounds like, but for a long time and still occasionally I will think this way.

Any thoughts on the subject may be very helpful to me.

Thank you in advance and for reading my post.

Logan

I just re read my post and want to add that I guess the kindness that whom ever was giving me, well I guess i felt as though I didn't deserve it at the time.

Hi Logan,

I don't believe I am responding to this ....

Due to years of abuse and being told that I was worthless and that I was only good for sex, yes, I have thought about having to "pay" someone by being sexual with them.

However, the thoughts of what I would do are predominantly one sided, with me just pleasuring the other person.

When I know people are upset with me, or if I have caused them some kind of hardship, I feel I "owe" it to them to make them feel better, if only momentarily.

Then I think about how they would perceive that.

Would they feel abused?

Would I then become "obligated" to a lifetime of sexual servitude?

Would I again be nothing more than a recepticale for someone else's wants and needs?

A lot of the feelings related to being "obligated" in making someone feel good in that way are also intertwined with SSA, and that makes things very confusing.

While I do not act on these feelings, I can't say they have gone away, either. The more depressed and worthless I feel, the more I feel that I have to somehow "pay" those who are being very generous and kind to me.

I guess all of this is to say, "I understand."






Anomalous

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I also Unfortunately Have many other examples, Gary.

Try not to be too hard on yourself because of this.

I tell myself every day that I cannot go back, I can only go forward.

I don't think that all of my acting out was due to this, but I am sure that some of it was and it makes me so Unbelievably ashamed of myself for having done such things with both older women an men.

I try to see it as something that was conditioned into me, and therefore not the natural way i would have behaved otherwise.

Anomalous- Thank you so much for your reply. You sorta hit the 'nail on the head' so to speak with as to what i was trying to say and getting at!!!

I agree with the mood factor as well. The more depressed i feel, the more I feel that I "owe" other's just for being humane to me.

Thank you all for replying to a some what difficult to discuss subject.

Sincerely,
Logan

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