Newest Members
ffreemalesurvivo, AdvocateInOregon, Francis Xavier, JLB, MrsC
12440 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
dannyboy22 (31), ScorpioBlue (45), Wife - Survivor (70)
Who's Online
3 registered (Bardo, 2 invisible), 16 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12440 Members
74 Forums
63858 Topics
445887 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 2 of 3 < 1 2 3 >
Topic Options
#393040 - 04/10/12 08:03 PM Re: Why do some become asexual vs. hypersexual after? [Re: Life's A Dream]
WriterKeith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 951
Loc: southern California
A good question and important thread, LAD. It's a taboo subject that needs to be discussed among survivors and those in the therapy profession.

I've always found it odd that, for those of us who never talk about sex, co-workers and acquaintances press to find out what's up, usually rumoring the person to be gay if they're not sexually active. It never occurs to them that they may be confronting and/or accusing a man who was raped and tortured by his own brother or father.

Another reason why male survivors have (in the past) guarded their secret, which further enabled their predators. The more we enlighten and educate the general public, the fewer ways these predators can hide right under our noses, in our homes, churches, and communities.

It seems that survivors react in extremes to the idea of intimacy, whether it is over-attachment or detachment, asexuality or hyper-sexuality.

I had a friend in college who was the campus stud and was known to be quite the sexual conqueror among women, always hated by them because as soon as he landed one he was off to conquer the next one. Come to find out years (and a few marriages) later, he was a male survivor. I don't think it was a coincidence.
_________________________
"A burned bridge can be a gift; it prevents us from returning to a place we should have never been."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JfvAPZGjds

Top
#393059 - 04/10/12 10:48 PM Re: Why do some become asexual vs. hypersexual after? [Re: Life's A Dream]
jls Offline


Registered: 03/06/09
Posts: 1142
I am more sexual than I am comfortable with. Looking back I think this started when I was 10 and 11 as a result of being coerced into sexual activities by older children which were not age appropriate. To be honest its hard to tell how that affected me since 10/11 years old is when boys usually begin puberty so I don't know if my interest in sex grew naturally or as a result of sexual interference. Later as a teenager I was sexually abused by adults, which I know for sure affected my sex drive, escalating it I mean. I wish I wasn’t so sexual since no matter how much I have it leaves me feeling unsatisfied and wanting more.
_________________________
Love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world.


Top
#393070 - 04/10/12 11:22 PM Re: Why do some become asexual vs. hypersexual after? [Re: jls]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3464
Loc: somewhere in Africa
I'd been abused since 5 1/2 by several perps and - tho now i remember, to my shame, that there were some pleasurable physical sensations that came with the territory, i was so mortified that my body had responded - even unwillingly - that i just denied it and tried to turn it (the sex urge) off. i was an early bloomer who matured far too young for my own good - which also made me a target. but i was so freaked out by my own body and what had happened to me that i wouldn't let myself think about sex or feel any interest beyond intellectual curiosity. i totally repressed any urges i felt until about age 14.

started self-stimulation at 14 or so - really late for a boy who'd been physically ready and able for 3-4 years. And then i felt like a sex-crazed maniac. that was probly my most "normal" stage. hey - i was an adolescent and didn't remember the abuse -so not so many complications as if i had been in a relationship - and because i was still a kid - i did not have much of a chance to do anything except the solitary stuff. (i went to a school where the boys and girls were kept strictly segregated - that didn't help my self-identity issues, either!)

then i was molested by a stranger at 16 - very conflicted period until the end of hi school - wildly opposing desires to deny and forget vs. overpowering urges to indulge the sexual sensations and get the climax as much as possible.

got more under control in college and early adulthood - a new leaf, new life, will power, etc.. ironically - once married - i fell back into more of a dormant, asexual state - i could get it up and do it - but wasn't really comfortable with it - and didn't know why. that was very confusing for both me and my wife - but we didn't talk about it...

in mid-30s and 2 kids later - the dam burst and many of the memories came crashing into my carefully constructed defenses. first i became not only totally non-sexual - but totally non-communicative, non-emotional and non-everything else - a zombie... When i started to come out of the darkness - with help of therapy - i went to the other extreme. i couldn't get enough and was obsessed and felt like a hormone-driven teenager again.

settled down into moderation and then tapered off into asexuality again as middle age approached. i thought i was finshed dealing with the CSA and didn't want to think about it any more. that went on until last year when i was majorly triggered by child abuse prevention and intervention seminars that i was required to attend as a teacher. then the memories started flooding back with renewed intensity and greater detail and heightened emotions and overwhelmed me again. started "researching" with porn and feeling like that horny teenaged boy again. that was six months ago. i'm still there.

wish i could find the happy medium.

Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#393103 - 04/11/12 07:47 PM Re: Why do some become asexual vs. hypersexual after? [Re: Life's A Dream]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3464
Loc: somewhere in Africa
P.S. It's really just 2 sides of the same coin - one extreme or the other - both unsuccessful but predictable ways of dealing/not dealing with the same problem. you choose your own poison, as they say!

and the pendulum keeps swinging...
Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#393134 - 04/12/12 12:14 AM Re: Why do some become asexual vs. hypersexual after? [Re: Life's A Dream]
jls Offline


Registered: 03/06/09
Posts: 1142
I've started reading a really good book called "The Sexual Healing Journey ~ A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse". It's written by a woman but addresses both male and female survivors. The subject is all about developing a healthy approach to sex for survivors and discusses both asexual and hypersexual behaviour. One thing I really took to heart is her suggestion of taking a vacation from sex. I find comfort in this since it allows me a rest from compulsiveness, namely to do with looking at porn, which stopped feeling satisfying.
_________________________
Love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world.


Top
#393156 - 04/12/12 04:29 AM Re: Why do some become asexual vs. hypersexual after? [Re: Life's A Dream]
Nathan-Tudor Offline


Registered: 07/09/11
Posts: 10
Loc: New York, NY
My abuse ocurred when I was young, through my teens and adult life now, I have never had any form of sexual contact or act with anyone.

I find the notion of it very unsettling. It turns my stomach cold, which overtime has had me branded homosexual. I had no understanding of until recently.

For me, I figure that, since my first and subsequent experiences of sex were abuse, I cannot turn my mind into thinking it as a pleasure. That is really a far idea to me.

Nate
_________________________
“If you can't fly then run, if you can't run then walk, if you can't walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward.”

Top
#393158 - 04/12/12 05:29 AM Re: Why do some become asexual vs. hypersexual after? [Re: Life's A Dream]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3614
Loc: South-East Europe
Jls that sound like good advice - taking a vacation from sex. Please give us more smile !
I have been hyper-sexual, just recently become aware during talk to my brother, he just said something like: "but we were always too interested in sex things and always looking for porn". Just then I've released true in all that, I was young (12 or 13 if not even younger) and already seen almost all adult video tapes from one rental shop.
I also have never acted out sexually whit anyone and sex partly scars me or at least makes me very anxious. But urge and hyper-sexuality is always present in background on some other level...
I wonder what is causing survivors to be hyper-sexual or asexual on other hand ...
_________________________
My story

Top
#393165 - 04/12/12 08:09 AM Re: Why do some become asexual vs. hypersexual after? [Re: Life's A Dream]
Dan99 Offline


Registered: 06/18/07
Posts: 100
Loc: Washington DC
I think it's about what you want from sex. The addictive personality can get hooked on the chemical rush of sex. But once he figures out it doesn't help, the addictive urge stops. Trying to find a healthy sexuality is really tough. Sort of like a drunk who tries to go to moderate drinking. It's not likely to work. For me, asexuality -- I haven't had sex in years -- beats hypersexuality any day. But if I could find a way to connect to my normal libido, I'd be happy. Just don't think it's going to happen. Too much baggage.
_________________________
Work like you don't need the money;
dance like no one is watching;
sing like no one is listening;
love like you've never been hurt;
and live life every day as if it were your last.

Top
#393181 - 04/12/12 10:46 AM Re: Why do some become asexual vs. hypersexual after? [Re: Life's A Dream]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3614
Loc: South-East Europe
Just find interesting answer from Dr. Kort in one thread about similar issue in which he explained difference between sexuality and asexuality:
"The fact that you have a strong sex drive and that you masturbate regularly indicates you are not asexual. You have strong avoidance issues around having sex but you are not asexual."

Here is link to thread, it could be interesting for reading:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=383183#Post383183

I think that many of us actually have avoidance issue going on and maybe just some are asexual?
_________________________
My story

Top
#393186 - 04/12/12 11:52 AM Re: Why do some become asexual vs. hypersexual after? [Re: peroperic2009]
jls Offline


Registered: 03/06/09
Posts: 1142
The author refers to many of the sexual behaviours of survivors as "automatic reactions", whether that entails being asexual or hypersexual. As we know, many of these reactions are an indicator that deep down inside us there is a feeling that our sexuality is not our own, as if it is controlled by outside forces as it was during the abuse, which explains our loss of freedom to enjoy sexual expression in a free and healthy way that we are happy to call our own. I know for myself that as a child and an adolescent I had to adapt to meeting other people's sexual demands so as an adult it makes sense that I feel the need to be "on" sexually, given the pressure put on me as a kid to be this way. This is why the idea of consciously taking a vacation from sex appeals to me, as in it gives me a well deserved rest from the demands of others that I have internalized, if this makes any sense.


_________________________
Love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world.


Top
Page 2 of 3 < 1 2 3 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.