I have been hypersexual since the abuse took place at age seven. I have been addicted to porn for just as long. Porn was a big part o the abuse. He first showed me a porn magazine in our next door neighbor's shed. I can still vividly remember those images. I grew up self stimulating regularly with whatever "material" I had available. Then I got into a relationship at the age of 15 and it was all about sex. Sex all the time. I was still repressing the abuse at the time. That entire relationship (6 years) was based on sex, and I still consumed porn during those years as well. I couldn't get enough.

The dam eventually burst and I ended the relationship. The hyper-sexuality calmed down a little bit, but not for very long. Wasn't long until I started viewing porn and self stimulating regularly. Then came the confusion about my sexuality, and I started sexualizing everyone. Men and women, didn't matter. Attractive or not, I sexualized. Very obsessive thinking. Never really acted out, but continued to consume porn heavily.

Entered another relationship just a year after the first one, and I could not bring myself to have sex comfortably. I was very anxious, and I felt worthless. Had to end that relationship because it was clear that it wasn't working. Always remained hyper-sexual. Always trying to relate sexually. I feel like relationships have to turn sexual. And if they don't I suspect something is wrong with me. Like they don't like me, like I am worthless or something.

I am still trying to learn what a healthy sexuality is, but so far I have no idea how I am supposed to express myself sexually in a healthy. All I have ever known is dysfunction. And it's all tied up in my self esteem. It's a mess really. I have resolved to be consciously asexual, even though the desire is there. But porn has turned into an addiction, and when I starve the addiction I turn to real people, and mistake that for attraction. So I have no clue what genuine attraction is, and what healthy sexual expression looks like. For now, it's something I read about in books.

The first bolded section is me. No idea there was a "genuine attraction." Is there one? I don't sexualize everyone I meet though. Healthy sexual expression I have no idea what that means. Hope you meet someone as horny as you. That's what I looked for. Lot of women out there like that. I doubt I could be with an asexual person. Not wired for it. I may not have a clue what "healthy sexuality" is, but I know an asexual person in a sexual relationship doesn't work for long. People end up having affairs like that. If both are asexual, sure. If you let CSA steal your sex life, kinda let them win, right? Glad I met women that wanted it all the time. Casual sex not love.

I remember asking my Ts about hypersexuality and they didn't want to discuss it. Gee, I really got screwed with these losers. Not any good at Bipolar/anxiety either. Trying to think, what the fuck did I see them for? I mean, really? Now I want a fat refund check from all of them. hehe

If normal is once a month, I don't wanna know what "healthy" is and casual sex sounds great to me. I personally see casual sex as no big deal and neither is porn. Perhaps society should stop being hypocritical and get of other people's bedrooms. -Phoenix, xoxo

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I suppose many of us could relate with all this Life.
The question for me is what to do next? Would I found some courage to put all that aside and to go in look for my fulfillment and normal sex life?
I don't know but I'll definitely try to accomplish something more.
It must be hard trying to change some patterns that I've been established for let say some safety reasons and for long time.
I just don't want to live all my life as half live person...

Wow, Nate, I sure can relate with that one, and I'm sure many others here do too.

It helps to hear this from others. I'm really glad you brought that point up and into the open. It's a painful one, and it's not something we share very often with anyone.